♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: carlos santana. nice job. thank you. that was great. that was really above and beyond. thank you, man. that was great. i want to thank my guests

wanda sykes, andy cohen and the incredible carlos santana. tomorrow, i have joel mchale, but "jimmy fallon's" happening right now. jimmy take it! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪

[ cheers and applause ] jimmy: that's what i'm talking about. i feel the love. thank you very much. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. [ cheers and applause ] welcome to the show, you guys. here's an election update. according to a campaign insider, mitt romney is looking to pick a, quote, "incredibly boring, white guy for his running mate." [ laughter ] which explains why, today, mitt romney announced his support for cloning. [ laughter and applause ] he's on board. you see this? in a new interview, jay-z said that president obama should get credit for turning the economy around. it's true. back when obama took office, jay-z actually had 100 problems. [ laughter and applause ] now, it's gone down. speaking of president obama, he just raised $1 million at a fund-raiser hosted by ricky martin.

obama thanked martin for his contribution to the campaign, while joe biden thanked him for his contribution to menudo. [ laughter ] big fan of menudo. check this out. officials in london plan to use high-pitched and painful sounds to disperse large crowds at the olympics this summer. or as the cast of "the view" put it, "looks like we're going to olympics, you guys! this is exciting!" [ laughter and applause ] "we're gonna go to london!" this is interesting. i just read about a new 24-hour day care that's opening in india. yeah, it's pretty cute. instead of playing telephone, the kids will just play tech support. and it's just -- [ laughter ] it's cute when they -- >> steve: that's so cute. >> jimmy: did you guys read about this? on sunday, officials in south korea finished building the world's largest lego tower. which explains why, today, north korea shot it with the world's largest nerf blaster. [ laughter ] the whole thing is childish and ridiculous. listen to this.

a man was arrested at jfk airport with cocaine hidden inside bottles of nail polish and sticks of deodorant. the man might have gotten away with it if he hadn't hidden the drugs inside two other things you can't bring through airport security. [ laughter ] "i'll just put this cocaine in my gun, and then they'll never find it in this handgun." [ light laughter ] get this. police in california just burned 34,000 marijuana plants that were growing in a state park. [ audience boos ] the police were very angry about finding all that weed, until the wind changed direction. [ laughter ] "hey, man, we got a 4-20 in progress right now." [ laughter ] and finally tonight, charles barkley and shaquille o'neal took their shirts off on tnt to see who was in worse shape. [ light laughter ] yeah, even the mom from "time" magazine was like, "put away your boobs. this is a --"

[ laughter ] we have a great show tonight! give it up for the roots! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: tonight, we got a big show! i want to remind you "thank you notes 2" comes out may 22nd, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] preorder it on something.com and somethingelse.com. >> steve: the deuce. >> jimmy: the deuce. we got a great show tonight, you guys. she's the star of nbc's hit drama, "law & order: svu." the lovely, the talented mariska hargitay is here tonight! [ cheers and applause ] people love her. i love her. also joining us tonight, a funny, funny dude. he co-hosts "the nick and artie show" with artie lange. nick dipaolo is on the show tonight! [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: funny guy. >> steve: funny man. >> jimmy: great comedian. and we got a performance. they're back, you guys.

tenacious d is here! [ cheers and applause ] "rize of the fenix"! it's good. k.g., j.b. >> steve: yep. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. they're so funny. it's really good tonight. hey, guys, it's time to take a look at the stories making headlines today and weigh the good with the bad. it's time for "pros and cons." here we go. ♪ pros and cons and pros cons and pros ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: tonight, we'll be taking a look at the "pros and cons" of "time's" breastfeeding cover. [ light laughter ] it shows a mom, jamie lynne grumet, breastfeeding her 3-year-old son. can we see that quickly? that's it right there. and just everyone's talking about it. it's causing a lot of controversy. [ light laughter ] so let's take a look at the "pros and cons" of the "time's" breastfeeding cover. here we go. pro, the mom was courteous and professional during the photo shoot. con, the kid sucked. >> steve: not good. [ laughter ]

>> jimmy: pro, "time" editors admit the cover is 98% shock value. con, and 2% milk. >> steve: there you go. [ laughter ] you know -- >> jimmy: they're just being honest. >> steve: yeah, just being honest. about the news. >> jimmy: pro, the mom gets to see her name in the headlines. con, the son gets to see his face in her headlights. okay, see, everyone -- [ laughter ] >> steve: no, that's not all good. >> jimmy: pro, the mom got the idea to breastfeed from those who preach attachment parenting. con, "time" magazine got the idea for the cover from an old issue of "juggs." [ laughter ] whatever works. >> steve: whatever works. >> jimmy: pro, during the shoot, the mom read her son his favorite bedtime story. con, "oedipus." [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> steve: i thought it was "good night boob." >> jimmy: it's not "good night boob." no, that was not it. >> steve: are you sure? >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. >> steve: was it "nippy long stocking"? >> jimmy: not "nippy long stocking" either, no.

"horton hears a hooter." >> steve: was it "titty titty bang bang"? >> jimmy: it was not. no, no. [ laughter ] ♪ think that's the name of it. >> steve: those are two softballs. you know what i mean? >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] pro, attachment parenting is a method of child-rearing that is growing in popularity and, even though the idea of nursing until the age of 6 or 7 may seem strange, its proven benefits to the development of a child should not be minimized or ridiculed through cheap breastfeeding jokes and immature puns. con, boy, what a mouthful. yeah. [ laughter ] [ applause ] pro, inside the magazine, you'll actually find an even more shocking image. con, an ad for this. that's our comedy album. [ cheers and applause ] kind of gross. and finally, pro, she admits the

scene depicted on the cover is not what a normal breastfeeding session looks like. con, usually the kid is high-fiving his dad. there you go. that is "pros and cons." [ laughter and applause ] we will be right back with "wax on, wax off." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ male announcer ] applebee's new sizzling entrees aren't just a "show." [ sizzling ] there's a reason that sound instantly starts up the waterworks in your mouth. [ sizzling ] it's the sound of flavor erupting, as freshly prepared ingredients sear, simmer, and caramelize, right there at your table. but, hey...it is a pretty good show. i'll have that. [ male announcer ] try our new sizzling entrees! like the double barrel whisky sirloin, the new sizzling n'awlins skillet, and more. starting at just $9.99. only at applebee's. with dana all night. wow. lost my mio energy, hired this guy to keep me awake. here, have some of mine. ♪ mmmmm. you're fired!

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] jimmy: thank you. welcome back to our show, and thank you so much for tuning in. now, before we move on, there's something i think you should all see. ♪ moving on. it's time to play one of my favorite games, "wax on, wax off." ♪ ohh don't you know i'm gonna wax you, girl ♪ >> jimmy: welcome to "wax on, wax off," the trivia game where,

for every correct answer, you get $100, and for every incorrect answer, you get a portion of your chest hair waxed off. [ light laughter ] tonight is a very special celebrity edition of "wax on, wax off." let's meet tonight's lucky contestant. two-time pro bowl center from the new york jets, nick mangold, everybody! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, my god. nick, how are you doing, buddy? >> decent. >> jimmy: okay. no, very good. thank you for doing this, buddy. i know you're in training right now, getting ready. but, you know the rules here. i'm going to ask you a series of questions. if you get it wrong, courtney here will apply hot wax to your chest, and then violently rip out a strip of your hair. now, there is one twist. you don't get the answer the questions. you're going to have to rely on the kindness of strangers. that's right. a random audience member will be answering your questions for you. let's bring him out. come on over here. hey! ♪

[ cheers and applause ] nice to meet you. >> nice to meet you. >> jimmy: nice to see you, buddy. what is your name, and where are you from? >> may name is matt. i'm from new jersey. garwood, new jersey. >> jimmy: hey, good man, matt. nice to see you, buddy. welcome. are you a jets fan? >> i am a giants fan. don't kill me. >> jimmy: okay, that's not gonna be -- [ light laughter ] >> i thought it was ken jennings. >> jimmy: i see a lot of wax -- yeah, you did. we didn't get ken jennings, here. all right. best of luck. remember, it's very, very easy here, okay? just answer correctly and nick doesn't have to get his chest waxed. simple enough, right? all right, we'll take a look at tonight's categories. we have "lithuanian prime ministers." [ laughter ] "advanced particle physics." [ laughter ] "lions and tigers and 'nanotechnology,' oh my!" [ laughter ] now, you'll notice that nanotechnology is in quotes. [ light laughter ] "homes of the 14th century." "other, lesser-known lithuanian prime ministers." [ laughter ] and, of course, "potpourri." [ laughter ] feeling good about these categories? >> i actually majored in lithuanian prime ministers. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. this is -- this is unbelievable. nick, are you psyched about

that? [ applause ] >> no. >> jimmy: all right, let's get started. as per the rules of the game, i will be choosing the categories for you. [ light laughter ] let's start off with your major, "lithuanian prime ministers." >> all right. >> jimmy: directly preceding the reign of mykolas slezevicius -- [ light laughter ] slezevicius -- slezevicius, this vulcan native became the first prime minister of lithuania in 1918. [ ticking clock ] shh. audience, no helping. [ light laughter ] >> i am -- i'm pretty sure that was teddy roosevelt. >> jimmy: judges? [ buzzer ] sorry, we were looking for augustinas voldemaras. [ light laughter ] augustinas voldemaras. >> how'd you not get that one? [ light laughter ] are you serious? >> jimmy: yeah, you were very close, though. you know what that means. courtney, wax that chest. ♪ [ laughter ] ♪

come on, buddy. come on, you can do it. ♪ [ applause ] >> i'm up! >> jimmy: all right -- i'm up. he's awake. all right, rocky start. rocky start, but you can make up for it on this next question. let's see. i'm going to chose "homes of the 14th century." let's take a look at the question, here. "complete this couplet from chaucer's 'the canterbury tales.'" [ laughter ] don't over think it. here's a hint. it rhymes. [ laughter ] >> "the woman and her cow right about now." [ buzzer ] >> jimmy: so sorry. we were looking for "the ides of march being the time of year. phoebus, the sun was jolly, shining clear." obviously. [ laughter ] >> obviously. >> jimmy: okay, courtney. i'm sorry. let's wax that chest. ♪ ah. oh, that's right down the middle. right down the middle.

this one's -- yeah, this one's -- yeah. hot wax. ♪ [ talking over each other ] come on. you can do it. bite down. there ya go. ♪ [ applause ] look at that, over -- can you get a shot of that, over on the table, there? [ audience groans ] so far you're 0-2. [ slide whistle ] [ boing ] uh oh. you know what that sound means. it's time for "double trouble." [ laughter ] i'm gonna ask you a question. answer correctly, you win a whopping 200 bucks. but answer incorrectly and nick gets two strips of chest hair waxed off. [ light laughter ] >> let's just stick with the regular -- >> jimmy: all right? hey, this is all right. this category's an easy one. ready? "numbers." okay? [ light laughter ] here's the question. i'm thinking of a number between 1 and 1,000. [ laughter ] what is it? [ ticking clock ] >> three. >> jimmy: all right. there it is. your answer is locked in. however, since this is "double trouble," you may be having

second thoughts. so i'm gonna offer you a second chance -- the chance to change your answer if you want. it's a once in a lifetime opportunity, and i strongly suggest you take it. what will you be changing your answer to? >> four. [ laughter ] [ buzzer ] >> jimmy: nick, i'm so sorry. it was actually three. you were right the first time. [ audience ohs ] should have stuck with your gut. should have stuck with your gut. it was three. courtney, wax that chest twice! ♪ >> jimmy: you're shaking. you're shaking. oh, my gosh. >> i'm so sorry. >> jimmy: yeah, sorry, buddy. yeah, let the wax cool off a little bit, there. yeah, get it right down the middle, there. there you go. perfect. yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah, that's a good one, there. that one's gonna be -- that one's gonna be nice and painful. that one, there.

oh, my gosh. ♪ aren't you happy you played? ♪ >> oh! ♪ that one looked like it hurt. sadly, sadly, we only have time for one more clue. [ light laughter ] you must be bummed. the remaining categories are "advanced particle physics," "lions and tigers and 'nanotechnology,' oh my!" "other lesser-known lithuanian prime ministers," and "potpourri." i'm gonna go easy on you. let's do "potpourri," okay? >> okay. >> jimmy: now, this could be any category. so, let's see what tonight's "potpourri" category is. [ beeps ] [ light laughter ] oh! lucky break. lucky break. you almost had to answer a "sports" or a "new york jets" question. here we go. let's see the clue. "this lithuanian prime minister's initials are v.m." well, they're practically giving you that one. [ ticking clock ] [ light laughter ] >> vladimir mutin. [ buzzer ] >> jimmy: "vladimir mutin? sorry. [ light laughter ] vladimir mutin -- no, we were looking for

vladas mironas. okay. once more, courtney, let's wax that chest. ♪ >> jimmy: oh, we're -- oh, the nipple! [ audience groans ] oh, my god. all right, here we go. oh! ♪ so sorry you lost! nick mangold, you are good man, brother. thank you so much for coming. higgins, what will they be taking home tonight? >> steve: well, jimmy, they'll each be taking home these stylish "led zeppelin" t-shirts where the "l" fell off, as well as a 24-pack of nads brand hair removal strips to finish the job. go nads! jimmy. >> jimmy: we're also gonna give you $100. thank you for playing, buddy. you're a good man. that's all the time we have on "wax on, wax off." [ cheers and applause ] my thanks to nick mangold, right there! best of luck this season, buddy! we love you! we'll be right back with mariska hargitay! [ cheers and applause ]

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] jimmy: our first guest has won an emmy and golden globe for her work as detective olivia benson on nbc's long-running hit drama, "law and order: special victims unit," which airs wednesdays at 10:00 p.m. please welcome, the beautiful, the talented mariska hargitay, everybody. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> oh, wow

i'm going to have to give you a high five on that. >> jimmy: yeah. they do their research. >> you did some research, didn't you? >> jimmy: they do some research. yeah, yeah, yeah. >> that's impressive. >> jimmy: pal, it's your first time on our show. thank you so much for coming on. i know we've been friends for a long time. >> you know, jimmy, i have so many pictures of us on the internet, i thought we dated. >> jimmy: yeah, right? we did, right? i mean, well, we were always -- >> no, we didn't date. >> jimmy: well, you sure? we didn't? come on. you can tell everybody. >> okay, we dated. >> jimmy: we dated for 20 years. yeah. no, but we knew each other -- we kind of started around -- on nbc around the same time. >> we did. in 1999, i started "svu" and you started "snl." >> jimmy: so, we were always on all these nbc events and stuff like that. a long time. and we actually have a close friend in common. >> oh, close friend that we love. >> jimmy: mario batali. >> very close friend. >> jimmy: who is an awesome guy. he's one of the best chefs -- >> in the world. >> jimmy: -- in the entire world. [ applause ] how did you meet mario? >> we have the sweetest new york story, i think, in the world. we -- you know, when i first started the show, i had just moved from l.a., and i was so

overwhelmed. and, you know, there were perps and sex crimes and vics and dead bodies. and i'd come home every night, and i was so tired. and there's this guy on my stoop with red hair and, like, orange high tops. and i'd be like, "dude, i just want to go home. you're on my stoop." and he's like, "you're on my stoop." and then we started talking. i didn't know who he was, and he was just a cool guy on my stoop every night. and then, one night, i come home. he's like, "you're so tired." and pulls out a plate of bruschetta and a glass of red wine. and i was in love from then on. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. that's the way to do it, yeah. he's always had, like, stoop parties out there with a lot of wine. >> he won -- won me over. >> jimmy: oh, he's a great, great guy. >> so sweet. so supportive. >> jimmy: are you from los angeles? no. >> born and raised. >> jimmy: is that right? >> born and raised. >> jimmy: what part? >> l.a. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. [ light laughter ] the l.a. part of los angeles. >> l.a. part. not los angeles, l.a. well, you know, i mean, what street did i live on? >> jimmy: well, what area? there's different areas. >> sort of the beverly hills, west hollywood area. my street sort of separated beverly hills and west hollywood. >> jimmy: because l.a.'s such a giant city. >> yeah. west l.a. -- >> jimmy: west l.a. type of vibe. and you love it in new york.

now, it's your home. >> i do, i do. i love it. >> jimmy: you've been here -- i mean, did you ever think the show -- what is it in, 15th season? >> still -- >> jimmy: is it 13? >> no, we just got picked up for our 14th season. >> jimmy: congratulations. >> i know. >> jimmy: that's amazing. [ cheers and applause ] that's so cool. >> it's so great. >> jimmy: and it's still -- the quality has always been up there. it's a major hit. and we love ice. he's been on the show a couple times. >> love ice. we love ice a little more every year. >> jimmy: ice-t is awesome. he's a good man. >> oh, so much fun. >> jimmy: but did you ever think it would go this long? do you, like -- "this is crazy." >> you know, it's so crazy because, you know, as an actor, you get a show and you think, like, "i'm just so lucky to be working." >> jimmy: yeah. >> and then, the show gets -- getting picked up and it's such a quality show and it's so compelling. and it's had such great writing. and it's grown and this year, there was a lot of changes. and we have all of these great -- you know, we have danny pino and kelly giddish. >> jimmy: that's right. >> all these fantastic new editions. and you never know if it's going to get picked up. i'm just glad it did because i was coming back no matter what. >> jimmy: is that right? were you nervous for a second? you thought it wasn't going to get picked up? >> you just never know, you know? i feel like i've been around long enough to know that you

never know, but warren leight did such an amazing job. and it's a different show this year, and it's a fantastic one that i'm proud of and having a great time. >> jimmy: there's a lot of downtime -- we were talking backstage. there's a lot of downtime on the set. now, what do you do to pass the time? this is crazy. now, you play -- >> well, i have a little addiction. >> jimmy: yeah, you -- what is your addiction? >> well, it's scramble. do you know about scramble? >> jimmy: i know -- yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> they know about scramble. >> jimmy: it's a game. >> it's a game. you know, i was never a words with friends girl. i never got it. i was late to the party. i wasn't good at it. and then, somebody said, "have you played scramble?" and so, i started playing scramble. and i wasn't that good at it, but i had so much fun. it's like a decompression game. you know, it was just great. i play it before i go to bed. it's how i unwind. and i started playing, and it's so fun. and you sort of find people that are your same -- at your same level. and there's this woman, you know, because you can pick people or you say pick a random opponent. so i was playing this woman who kept coming up, mrs. pittman. >> jimmy: mrs. pittman. >> mrs. pittman. so mrs. pittman and i played a few times. and all of a sudden, you know, i get home and it's 12:30. and i get in bed and i'm like -- my husband's like, "honey,

what's wrong?" he thinks i got a bad e-mail. i'm looking. mrs. pittman hurt my feelings. >> jimmy: wait, what? >> mrs. pittman won't play me anymore. >> jimmy: wait, what are you talking about? what? i'm so bad at scramble that mrs. pittman won't play me anymore. so i keep reaching out. >> jimmy: does she know that it's you? >> no. [ laughter ] so i started texting her like a psycho girlfriend who's, like, obsessed. "mrs. pittman, please, can you just give me one more chance?" [ laughter ] and every night, i check it. and mrs. pittman, she won't. so then, i was like, "i'm not good enough for mrs. pittman?" so there's this woman at my work named kristin, and she's amazing. like, she gets 1,700 every time and i get 200. it's sad. but then she started playing mrs. pittman and i go, "well, i'll show her, mrs. pittman." and she won't text her either. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: because you had a ringer go in and start destroying mrs. pittman's life? >> i've had at least 12 people on the crew start games with mrs. pittman, and she's not playing. and now, if mrs. pittman tries to play me because she knows who i am, i'm not playing. >> jimmy: yeah, there you go.

[ laughter and applause ] you show her. don't ruin the fun, mrs. pittman. we have a clip of tomorrow night's episode. here is mariska in "law and order: svu." check it out. >> some guy fishing off his boat on the gowanus canal reeled in the leg. the description matching nina's tattoo. we're running the dna. >> pretty clean cut. >> i'd say it was done with a surgical saw. and there's still evidence of living response to trauma in the bony tissue. >> you mean nina could have been alive when her leg was amputated. >> there was anesthetic in the marrow. why go to that trouble for a corpse? >> so a healthy leg, cleanly severed from a living person? >> i've heard of that in drug wars, but i don't think that's what this is. >> no, there's something else. a fisherman reeled it in? nobody fishes in the gowanus canal. it's so polluted. it's a superfund site. [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah. major show. >> now, do you understand why i play scramble at the end of the day? >> jimmy: human legs getting chopped off?

yeah, yeah, yeah. >> ouch, right? >> jimmy: yeah, you have to play some scramble, yeah. with mrs. pittman. >> mrs. pittman, please, reach out. >> jimmy: i want to play -- i would like to play a game with you. >> i'm so ready. >> jimmy: yes, you are? you must be a little competitive, right, if you -- >> a little bit. >> jimmy: yeah. well, how are you in pictionary? >> not good. >> jimmy: perfect. when we get back, mariska and i are playing pictionary, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] jimmy: welcome back. i'm here with the most fun -- my pal, mariska hargitay. and we're going to play a little pictionary, okay? we've recruited a couple of audience members as teammates. you are tyler. >> tyler, yeah. >> jimmy: and where are you from, tyler? >> i am from canada. >> jimmy: tyler from canada. very good. [ cheers ] ♪ you already started drawing. you drew on your shirt there, and you got a nice design there. i like that guy. that's rad. now, you are -- >> katrina. >> jimmy: katrina. and where are you from? >> i'm from canada as well. ♪ [ cheers ] >> wow, nice. >> jimmy: canada, here we go. now, the rules are simple. you got to pick a clue, announce if it's an action, object, person or phrase. you're allowed to say that. >> okay. >> jimmy: then, you start drawing. 30 seconds on the clock per turn. mariska and i will take turns sketching clues for our teammates. one point for a correct guess.

then, our partners will have a showdown drawing the same clue at the same time with mariska and i guessing. yeah. a correct guess during the showdown is worth two points. may the best team win. why don't you guys go first? >> fantastic. >> jimmy: yeah. yeah. so, where -- where do we go? we go over here? >> i am the worst drawer on the planet. >> jimmy: no, come on. >> oh, no. i am. you'll see. [ laughter ] audience, want to help her out with it? >> i'm okay with it. i'm okay with it. >> jimmy: go ahead. pick a number. [ audience yells ] >> it's eight. >> jimmy: eight looks pretty solid. >> phrase. >> all right. >> jimmy: okay. >> can i go? tell me when. >> jimmy: i'll let you get the cap off, and then we're going to start that time. >> okay, kids. >> jimmy: all right, here we go. go. >> glass. cup. cylinder. >> jimmy: hey, watch it now. what are you drawing? >> bongo? smile, hair, girl, kick. kick -- ball. kick -- kick -- basket? >> jimmy: ooh. >> basket. >> jimmy: kind of a round --

there you go. >> come on! [ buzzer ] >> jimmy: can i guess? can i guess? >> yeah. >> jimmy: kick the bucket? yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. you were close. i had it in my head. all right, good. you were great. you did a great job! are you kidding me? wait till you see what i do. this is going to be good. all right. what do we think guys? [ audience yells ] two! the deuce! okay, okay, okay. an object. >> gotcha. >> jimmy: ready? >> i am ready. brick? [ light laughter ] domino. letter. a message. postage. >> jimmy: gosh. >> car. mailman. mail truck.

[ laughter ] postman. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: is there a driver? mailman, no. [ laughter ] >> driver. [ buzzer ] >> jimmy: that was it. gosh, we need more than 30 seconds. >> it was driver? driver? >> jimmy: well, driver -- what does that look like? letter, it does. but whatever. [ laughter ] driver's license. but still, yeah, it did look exactly like a letter. anyway -- [ laughter ] my fault. usually the stamp is on the other side, tyler. in canada, they might do it differently. [ laughter ] >> now, you go up. >> jimmy: all right. so now, you two go up for a showdown, yeah. so then, what's going to happen now is you're going to -- i'll help you out here. you're going to pick the same clue, and then whoever gets it first is the winner. so you give help your partner, and i'll help my partner. [ audience yells ] >> jimmy: not one person said four at all. [ laughter ] three and six they were yelling. okay, here we go.

>> action. >> jimmy: tyler -- action. yeah. got it. tyler, get out of the way! i can't see anything. [ laughter ] toothbrush! brushing your teeth! >> hair. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: what? i'm sorry. i'm so competitive. oh, my gosh. you're so nice. you guys, mariska hargitay. [ cheers and applause ] check her out on "law and order: svu" wednesday nights, 10:00 p.m. here on nbc. nick dipaolo joins us next! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ male announcer ] research suggests the health of our cells plays a key role throughout our entire lives. ♪ one a day men's 50+ is a complete multi-vitamin designed for men's health concerns as we age. ♪ it has more of seven antioxidants

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] jimmy: our next guest this evening is a hilarious comedian and the co-host, along with artie lange, of "the nick and artie show," a nightly sports talk radio show. please welcome to the show, a very funny man, here's nick dipaolo! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: nick dipaolo. welcome to the show, my friend. we are fans of you. >> thank you, jimmy. likewise. >> jimmy: we met years ago. >> met you on the elevator. colin quinn was working at "snl." >> jimmy: yeah. >> you were kind of bitchy to me, i gotta be honest. >> jimmy: this is ridiculous. now, what are you talking about?

>> i get on and colin's like, "this is my friend, nick." and you said, "hi but why are you in this elevator?" and i'm like, "what?" quinn's like, "oh, he's a friend of mine." and you're like, "well, you're not part of the 'snl' cast. i go, "no." and you're like, "well, get off at the next floor." [ light laughter ] but you made up for it. you saw me, like an hour later, in front of 30 rock, on the sidewalk. i was crying, so you waved down a mister softee truck and got em a nutty buddy. >> jimmy: yeah, thank you so much. yeah, yeah. that is such a fake story. >> it's all true. >> jimmy: that is such a fake story. why do you make up things and lie? >> you were really nice. >> jimmy: i was nice. >> you were actually nice. >> jimmy: i have a problem being nice to people sometimes. but -- shouldn't have been on that elevator. how are you, buddy? everything good? >> i'm doing all right, you know. >> i was at westchester airport, like two weeks ago, and this big, fat, obese son of a bitch -- >> jimmy: don't hold back, nick. >> but this why -- i mean, he's this big fat guy. and he gets up and goes, "watch my bag. i'm going to the toilet." like, he ordered me. so, it bugged me, his tone of voice. so, i say, as he's leaving, "what if this thing explodes in 30 seconds?"

and he goes, "well, do i look like a terrorist?" and i go, "that depends." and he goes, "depends on what?" i go, "well, if i was a cheeseburger, you'd look like a giant -- [ laughter ] but if i was a fresh garden salad, i'd feel very, very comfortable around you." >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. i understand. >> i didn't like the attitude so i gave it right back. >> jimmy: now -- congratulations on the show. did you always want to be in radio? >> i didn't. well -- >> jimmy: you got a great boston accent. >> i do. i'm trying to get rid of it. not gonna work. >> jimmy: oh, it's fantastic. you can't get rid of it. >> couple whiskeys, i'm like ted kennedy and -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it comes right out. yeah. >> driving off a bridge, drowning a broad. >> jimmy: no, no, that's not -- [ light laughter ] >> come on, roots. oh, god. but what was the question again? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, did you want to be in radio? did you always -- >> i didn't. i went out ot l.a. to act and i was such a good actor, i'm back in new york doing radio. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: congratulations, yeah. >> but you know why i quit

acting? i went out to l.a., and it was me and the same six italian guys at every audition, in the waiting room. so after about a month, we started carpooling to these auditions. [ laughter ] it was like me, ralph macchio and ed marinaro, driving around, looking for joey buttafucco's house. [ laughter ] and -- that's true. so now -- >> jimmy: well, you're here now. i hear -- is it true? i heard you hate technology. >> i don't hate it. i'm just stupid. you know? [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: do you have a smartphone? do you have all that stuff or are you -- >> i have all of that stuff, and i pray to god those phones cause cancer. but, listen -- [ light laughter ] what did i say? i don't -- i don't get the whole facebook status update, you know? i mean, i understand if you're a brain surgeon, you can type on your wall "just saved a two-year-old girl's life." or, if you're an astronaut, "just landed the last space shuttle." but, you know, you're 21-year-old night manager at papa john's -- [ light laughter ] we know what you're doing. you're living in your parents' basement, whacking off to "national geographic" - -

[ laughter ] because you can't afford cable. and then, with the cell phones, can we slow down the technology? so when i buy my new one, i get it out of the box, it doesn't look like a pay phone from 1976? and my buddies go, "yeah, but you can watch movies on these payphones." so i can watch a movie that was meant for 1,000-foot screen on a two-inch screen. >> jimmy: yeah. >> does it do anything else i hate? >> jimmy: why would you want to -- yeah. >> well, they go, "that's not the point. the point is you can watch movies anywhere. like, at work." oh, so you're watching movies at work? you wonder why china's economy is growing 50 times faster than ours. [ light laughter ] you know, in china, they tie some guy to his workbench. >> jimmy: i don't think that's true. they -- >> if he doesn't make 50 tupperware lids in ten minutes, they put a bullet in his head. >> jimmy: all right, well i'm not sure about -- >> but -- over here, jimmy, we have 300 people about to die in an amtrak train because the conductor's watching a "silver spoons" marathon on hulu. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's available. it's available on a two-inch screen.

oh, my gosh. "the nick and artie show," it's doing great. >> it's good. >> jimmy: you're going to be on tv soon? >> we're gonna be on -- it's about time, jimmy. isn't it? i been doing -- i been playing these smokey dumps -- meaning comedy clubs -- for 25 years. my life didn't turn out like yours. >> jimmy: what do you mean? you're disappointed in the way your life turned out? >> well, you ever watch -- maybe you can relate, folks. you ever watch a&e's "biography" and realize you've accomplished nothing in life? [ light laughter ] i'm watching the one on ted williams, the baseball player. this guy raised himself as a latchkey kid. gets drafted by the boston red sox. becomes the greatest hitter in the history of baseball. at the peak of his career, signs up for world war ii, becomes the most decorated fighter pilot in that war. goes to back into baseball. he's the last guy to hit 400. sleeps with every woman in the country 20 times. signs up for the korean war, gets five more medals. and then, the show ends, right? i look at the shelf above my tv. there's a picture of me in fifth grade, holding a three-inch sunfish. [ laughter ]

>> jimmy: you get a little bummed out. you get a little bummed out. >> so this is -- >> jimmy: how is -- how is artie lange doing? how is he doing? >> artie -- artie lange, folks. is there anybody -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he's one of the funniest humans. >> jimmy. >> jimmy: as well as you, but he's great. >> he's like a good athlete. he makes you better, you know? like a good point guard makes the team better? >> jimmy: yeah, exactly. >> he's just brilliantly funny. and i watch him eat three submarine sandwiches in under six minutes. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. it's kind of exciting, yeah. but the show is -- it's a sports talk show but it's also -- it's just kind of like two guys hanging out, really. >> it's like -- yeah. it's like guy talk. we don't know what we're doing. i mean, that's the fun of it. people call up and go, "what about the giants defense? who should they draft?" we're like, "call dan patrick. we don't know." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: "why is it our problem?" >> yeah, exactly. have you read artie's book? you're gonna ask him questions about the defense? >> jimmy: but -- so right now, people can see you on -- how do we get to -- hear it? >> you can hear the show on xm extreme talk 165. >> jimmy: yeah. >> it's on terrestrial -- real radio, in a bunch of cities but not new york, yet.

but we're gonna be on directv in july. >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about. >> on tv, jimmy. >> jimmy: on -- july -- and what is that on? what tv channel? >> the audience network, it's called. on directv. >> jimmy: all right, so it's a directv show because i wanna see this. i wanna see the show. i would like to be on the show. >> don't just say that and not show up. we'll get pissed. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i just want to get invited. no, i -- no, i'll do it. i'll work on it. you guys, our thanks to nick dipaolo, right here. [ cheers and applause ] check out "the nick and artie show." tenacious d performs after the break. stick around! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

♪ [ cheers and applause ] jimmy: welcome back, you guys. tenacious d is about to perform. did you guys see the movie, "pick of destiny"? [ cheers ] not many people did see that film, unfortunately. and you might have thought that that was the end of tenacious d. not true. they just released "rize of the fenix," their first album in six years. [ cheers and applause ] they are here to perform the title track from it. please welcome tenacious d! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ when "the pick of destiny" was released it was a bomb ♪ ♪ and all the critics said that the d was done the sun had set and the chapter had closed ♪ ♪ but one thing no one thought about was the d would rise again

just like the phoenix ♪ ♪ we'll rise we'll rise again ♪ ♪ 'cause the fiery heart of a champion cannot be quelched ♪ ♪ by a failure or an embarrassment no way no ♪ ♪ and the critics all agreed it was a stinky pile of chee but that does not mean that our hearts are not strong ♪ ♪ just like the phoenix we'll rise again y'all that's right the phoenix we'll rise again ♪ ♪ sunshine it's a hell of a day riding back and it's headed your way ♪ ♪ d's here now we're puttin' on a show we're sneakin' up climbing into your window ♪

♪ it's a rise of the phoenix it's a call of attack it's the magic between us tenacious d is back ♪ ♪ lovemaking all the way to the top boots smokin' but i'm not gonna stop ♪ ♪ bossa nova is a beautiful dance hot-blooded that's a lot of romance ♪ ♪ it's the rise of the phoenix it's a call of attack and you'll know ♪ ♪ when you've seen us tenacious d is back ♪ ♪ but what if it's true if tenacious d has died what will we do ♪ ♪ and what will we do about all the fans who have the d tattoo ♪

♪ they'll have them removed they'll have to laser off their d tattoos tattoos ♪ ♪ they'll have to laser off their d tattoos ♪ ♪ wait a minute kage what's that you say ♪ you know it's not too late yes it is too late ♪ ♪ we only need one hit just imagine it ♪ we could be legit too legit to quit ♪ ♪ one hit one hit one hit ♪ ♪ yeah we're hoping this is it one hit ♪ ♪ top 10 hit top 40 hit top 1,000 hit ♪ ♪ i don't care as long as we get there we'll start anew ♪ ♪ and you can get a new tenacious d tattoo you can get a new