♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow! that's an audience. sounds good, it must be friday. thank you very much. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon." how you guys feeling tonight? you felling good? [ cheers and applause ] very good. welcome, welcome. did you hear about this? on his fox news show, glenn beck called "avatar," "a smurf murdering movie." [ light laughter ] people are calling -- that's funny. people are calling the comment a slap in the face of american's biggest director and also a pretty awesome idea for a movie, so it's -- [ laughter ] listen to this. president obama was at a book store in iowa yesterday, and he bought a $37 pop-up book for press secretary robert gibbs' son. when he gave it to him, this is true, gibbs said, "it's a little expensive, sir." yeah, it's true. and obama said, "i can handle it." and then he called the president of china and said, "can i borrow

$37? [ cheers and applause ] yes, i am calling collect." [ laughter ] when he was at the book store, obama also picked up books by mitt romney and karl rove and held them up to the media. and then he made their author photos make out for like five minutes. [ light laughter ] that was childish. check this out. there use a new bra-like device called the biniki that promises to lift your butt. what i want to know is, is it working? [ cheers and applause ] what am i doing and why? everyone gets a biniki on the way out. that's what we're doing -- [ cheers and applause ] -- everybody in the audience gets a biniki. no, we can't get one? absolutely not.

never mind, never mind. they are all getting a new car. [ cheers ] you'd rather have the biniki? [ scattered cheers ] i wish i was oprah. [ light laughter ] this is just weird. a doctor in illinois is converting an old restaurant into an office with a drive-up window for patients. yeah, that should go well. "hey, this is jimmy fallon, i have a cough and a headache." "okay. that's crabs and head lice?" [ laughter ] "no, no, i'm coughing." "okay, you're frothing at the mouth. just pull over. we'll amputate you right now." "no i'm not -- forget it." hey, happy birthday to leonard nimoy who turned 79 today, absolutely, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] -- this, right? like this. he yelled at me last time. anyways, he celebrated today by punching anyone who told him to "live long and prosper." [ laughter ]

"shut up." there's a new dating website that lets men pay women to play video games with them on the internet. it's called "game crush," but you may know it by its other name, "the saddest thing ever." [ laughter ] this is a true story. a woman in chicago is suing a movie theater for $50,000 after an arm rest hit her head while she was talking on her cell phone during the movie. meanwhile, the arm rest is being rewarded with $50,000, so congratulations. [ cheers and applause ] i'm not sure what to make of this. a woman in britain said that her pet goldfish survived for seven hours in the open air outside of its tank, which is a world record for goldfish torture. [ light laughter ] seriously, in the first world that's known as air boarding. [ light laughter ] not cool.

that's not cool. [ scattered applause ] this is amazing. a british man snapped photos of space using a digital camera and a weather balloon. did you hear about that? i'll tell you why no one heard about it, because he forgot to strap a 6-year-old boy in the balloon and then people hear about something. [ cheers and applause ] the guy did something. what's his name again? what's his name again? >> steve: heene, falcon heene. >> jimmy: falcon heene. yeah, everyone loves falcon heene. >> steve: i love falcon heene. i used to watch that cartoon when i was a kid. >> jimmy: finally, did you know celebrity couples have nicknames? well, joe jonas and demi lovato -- i like those guys. they're dating now. they have a new nickname, jemi -- jemi. and jesse james and bombshell mcgee have the nickname, ew. [ laughter ] we have a great show. give it up for roots! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: all right. that's what i'm talking about. hey, we're finishing the week up right tonight, from the great show "breaking bad," two-time emmy winner bryan cranston is here! [ cheers and applause ] -- i like you. the beautiful singer and actress from the new film "why did i get married too," jill scott is joining us! [ cheers and applause ] i like her, too. and we've got a very, very funny stand-up comedian with us tonight. morgan murphy is here! [ cheers and applause ] it's going to be great. going to be a good show. today's friday, and that's usually when i catch up on some personal stuff. i check my inbox. i return some e-mails, and, of course, i send out thank you notes. i'm running a bit behind today so i thought, if you guys wouldn't mind, i would just like to write out my "thank you notes" right now. is that cool? do you mind? [ cheers and applause ] i appreciate it. i know it's last minute. roots, can i get some thank you notes writing music. ♪ [ light laughter ]

>> jimmy: that sounds like it was from space or something. [ light laughter ] just thank you note writing music on earth. ♪ that's very nice. much better, thank you. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, buzz aldrin, for appearing on season ten of "dancing with the stars." [ scattered cheers ] you've inspired children all around the world to say, "mom, dad, when i grow up, i want to be an astronaut who dresses like the maitre d of a mexican restaurant called sparkle paca." [ laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, heavy dudes, that don't make their tie long enough. [ laughter ]

for looking like you gladly pay me tuesday for a hamburger today. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, bathroom attendant, who hands me a towel for making me feel guilty that i don't have a dollar to give you. [ laughter ] and thank you, me, for lying and saying i'll bring an extra dollar the next time. [ light laughter ] we both know i'm never coming back to this bathroom. [ light laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, cleveland indians mascot, for answering the question, what if someone tries to draw a picture so racist it could never ever be a

baseball mascot? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] perfect. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, me from three months ago, who promised to get in shape during the winter. you lying sack of [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] it's 4:00, put down the cinnabun. [ applause ] i don't have to mail it, i can just -- probably can just read it. i'll mail it, and i'll just get surprised when i get it in the mail. what's this? ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, restaurants that advertise breakfast all day, for basically saying try

getting this at a place that isn't terrible. [ light laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, motion sensor hand towel machine. you never work, so i -- [ cheers and applause ] i just end up looking like i'm waving hello to a wall robot. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, marshmallow peeps for somehow being so much easier to snack on than real baby chickens.

[ light laughter ] and finally -- thank you, michelle "bombshell" mcgee, for wearing that same ed hardy shirt in every photo. [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] oh -- that's your skin. [ laughter ] there you go, everybody. there you have it. those are my "thank you notes." we'll be right back with more of "late night." come on back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ host: could switching to geico really save you 15% or more on car insurance? host: is ed "too tall" jones too tall?

host: could switching to geico 15% or more on car insurance? host: does a ten-pound bag of flour make a really big biscuit? honey! [ giggling ] what are you looking at? [ screech ] [ male announcer ] need a moment? ♪ [ crunching ] i'm looking at potential babysitters. awww, that's so sweet! [ male announcer ] when you need a moment, chew it over with twix. with ingredients infused with nature. try honeysuckle and tea tree oil... or orange flower and cranberry... just two of three unique fragrance combinations in new degree natureffects. [ woman ] nine iron, it's almost tee-time. time for new zyrtec® liquid gels. they work fast. so i can get relief from the pollen that used to make me sneeze, my eyes water.

with new zyrtec® liquid gels, i get allergy relief at liquid speed. that's the fast, powerful relief of zyrtec®, now in a liquid gel. zyrtec® is the fastest 24-hour allergy medicine. it works on my worst symptoms so i'm ready by the time we get to the first hole. new zyrtec® liquid gels work fast, so i can love the air®. had to meet very strict standards a light beer without any sacrifice to flavor. we did, a wagon load of trials to perfect the taste. (jim koch) you get a sweet, malty taste and a really smooth finish. sam light was definitely worth the extra effort.

>> jimmy: hey, we're back. [ light laughter ] i'd just like to take and moment to tell you about the show's newest sponsor verizon and their 3g network.

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. welcome back. i missed you guys. you know, there's a lot of tension in the world. a lot of people beefing with each other. that's what the kids call it. a lot of, you know, problems. they have problems. they're beefing. and here at "late night" we try to put an end to those beefs. time for beef solvers. [ cheers and applause ] >> announcer: beef solvers. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: now, this newest beef is one i didn't see coming. it's between director james cameron, we all know from "titanic" and "avatar," and fox news personality glenn beck who has been spending a lot of time lately talking about health care. apparently the thing actually started a while ago when beck said "titanic" was so bad it must have been directed by, "the anti-christ." [ light laughter ] then, a few days ago james cameron called beck an a-hole and said that his ideas are, quote, "poisonous to america." yeah. [ scattered applause ] we need to step in and -- and get this thing before it gets any crazier. so before the show we picked two audience members to represent each side of this piece. give our volunteers a round of applause. [ cheers and applause ] what's your name and where are you from? >> my name is jason. i'm originally from los angeles.

now i live in new york. >> jimmy: oh, very good. originally from l.a. >> yeah. >> jimmy: now here, what are you doing here in new york? >> i go to school at columbia. >> jimmy: oh, very good, a student. that's good. [ applause ] what's your name and where are you from? >> brianne, i'm from philadelphia. [ cheers ] >> jimmy: you can't say -- you can't say philadelphia in front of the roots. they just go nuts. [ cheers ] and jill scott's on the show, too, so really can't say philadelphia. [ cheers ] thanks for being here. we love illy. is here tonight, all right. first, i'm gonna label you guys so you know who is who. you're gonna be glenn beck. congratulations. >> thank you. >> jimmy: and you're going to be james cameron. all right. very good. perfect. all right, now, we need to find out what the beef's about. so, go ahead and face each other

please. now, glenn i want you to look right at james and tell him why you're beefing him. please read the card. [ light laughter ] >> james cameron, i know some people say "avatar" is just a movie, "pocahontas" -- but i don't think that's fair to "pocahontas." as they say in navi, you're an egotistical blow hard and just like your movies you're in 3-d, douche, dick and da-worst. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, snap. [ light laughter ] all right, james, keep your composure here, okay. it's all part of the healing process. look right at glenn and tell him why you're mad. just read the card. >> glenn beck, i may have credited a fantasy world but you live in a fantasy world. a world where a tubby morning deejay can cry his way to the top of the steaming heap of tv. p.s. you're like the love child between griff from "back to the future" and the pillsbury dough boy. [ scattered applause ] >> jimmy: that is rough, that is

rough. okay, look, now, look. that's enough. we have then solve this beef. here we go, james look right at glenn beck. you're james. [ laughter ] look right at glenn beck eyes and repeat after me. i, james cameron. >> "i, james cameron." >> jimmy: want to apologize to you, glenn beck. >> "want to apologize to you, glenn beck." >> jimmy: for calling you a big old loud mouth attention whoring cry baby a-hole. >> "for calling you a loud mouth attention whore cry baby -- a-hole." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's true what they said in all those after-school specials. >> "it's true what they said in all those after-school specials." >> jimmy: sometimes words hit harder than a fist. >> "sometimes words hit harder than a fist." >> jimmy: and i won't ever word fist punch you again. >> "and i won't ever word fist punch you again." >> jimmy: i know at your core you're just a humble every man. >> "i know at your core you're just a hungry -- oops --" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: keep it peaceful. >> " -- a humble every man."

lhlh >> jimmy: yeah. who has a hit tv show that makes millions of dollars every year. >> "with a hit tv show that makes millions of dollars every year." >> jimmy: sure, you cry a lot. >> "sure, you cry a lot." >> jimmy: but your tears water the sweet roses of liberty. >> "but your tears water the sweet roses of liberty." >> jimmy: and nourish the rhododendrons of justice. >> "and nourish the rhododendrons of justice." >> jimmy: that was great. thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] that was great. all right, glenn, try to hold it together for me, glenn, okay? >> i'm trying. >> jimmy: repeat after me, glenn. i glenn beck. >> "i glenn beck." >> jimmy: want to apologize to you, james cameron. >> "want to apologize to you, james cameron." >> jimmy: for calling your thoughtful revolutionary and entertaining movie "avatar." >> "for calling your thoughtful revolutionary and entertaining movie 'avatar.'" >> jimmy: a movie about murdering smurfs. >> "a movie about murdering smurfs."

>> jimmy: what you are is a pioneer who succeeded in creating a film-going experience unlike anything heretofore seen in using both using both elegant computer-generated imagery and -- a story -- harmonious co-existence, ravels the emotions trust of francious -- >> what he said. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: and even though i know you can afford it. >> "even though i know you can afford it." >> jimmy: thanks for not buying fox news and cancelling my show. >> "thanks for not buying fox news and cancelling my show." >> jimmy: beautiful. that's very, very nice. thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] now, if we can do a fist bump for peace. i think this beef will have been solved. >> announcer: beef resolved. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: give it up for these guys. thank you so much, guys. up next, bryan cranston. come on back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ so many arthritis pain relievers -- i just want fewer pills and relief that lasts all day.

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very nice. you guys know our first guest from his seven hilarious years on "malcolm in the middle." he won back-to-back best actor emmys for his work in the critically acclaimed amc show "breaking bad." say hello to bryan cranston, everybody. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: there you go. >> i always want to see what the roots are playing for the guests 'cause they always come up with something interesting. >> jimmy: they do -- yeah -- >> how did you get them on your show, by the way? >> jimmy: ah, i -- i bribed. >> a bribe. >> jimmy: a bribe, yeah. >> hey, listen, i wanted to thank you for the thank you note that you sent me -- i got -- back stage. can i read it? >> jimmy: oh, sure -- do you want any note writing music? ♪ [ laughter ] >> it says, "thank you

bryan cranston, for appearing naked and/or in tidy whitey underwear all those years on "malcolm in the middle" and now on "breaking bad. you make me look like an underwear model for dolce gabbana. [ laughter ] with love and affection, jimmy fallon." >> jimmy: oh, you're welcome. [ cheers and applause ] i figured -- i figured -- i figured why not. >> why not. >> jimmy: why not do it, yeah. thanks for coming on my show. >> my pleasure. good to be here. >> jimmy: we've been on for a year and you haven't been here yet. >> well, the restraining order just ran out. >> jimmy: yeah -- [ laughter ] >> so, now i'm able to do more things. >> jimmy: but i want to find out more about you. i know that you're very interesting. you had a lot of odd jobs before you got into acting. >> oh, yeah, oh, yeah, you know, i loaded trucks in downtown los angeles for years. i was a videotape interviewer at a dating service. >> jimmy: that's -- wait now -- what -- like, videotaped people, and go like, "i like to walk on the beach" -- that type of thing. >> yeah, secretly.

i would secretly tape them so they wouldn't know exactly when i was doing it because then they would be more natural, you know. you don't want to hear, "i'm a -- i'm a romantic, and i love to read and --" you know, you don't want to hear them. you want to hear them as they really are, so i would secretly tape them and then they would go in a category and the men would come in and look at the tapes of the women and the women of the men and they would match up. >> jimmy: is that legal? >> it was quite nice. it was good. it was good. i felt like cupid. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. and then you actually, i heard in college, you would marry people? >> yes. >> jimmy: how? >> i continued the cupid theme. >> jimmy: yes. >> i -- i needed -- i needed some work and this is in the '70s, and -- and i befriended a guy named reverend bob. now, that should be a tipoff right there. >> jimmy: there you go, reverend bob. >> and he said i accidentally booked two weddings on the same day, can you take one? and i thought this is crazy, how can i do that? and he put a certificate in his -- his typewriter. typed it up and then sent it off to the secretary of state of california and i was legal.

and the first job i had, it was like 150 bucks for an hour and a half work. the first job i had, i married a couple in an airplane over the hollywood sign in california. and -- this is true. and i was in the front seat. i was nervous, and the pilot and myself and the bride and groom were in the seat behind and then the best man and the maid of honor, and i would -- and i leaned over and would say -- "do you, steven and stephanie"-- >> jimmy: airplane motor. >> "promise to love" -- >> jimmy: yeah. >> it was crazy, and then i married a couple in the water off catalina. that we were like waist-deep in the water. it was -- it was insane. i married -- >> jimmy: like a novelty wedding service? >> -- yeah. it was -- it was, you know, devised to avoid taxes i imagine, originally, you know, and then the side business was marrying people, so i thought it was great. >> jimmy: that's super cool, super fun. i know, you're happily married. >> i am. >> jimmy: and you met your wife, i think this is a really cool story. you met on the tv show

"airwolf." >> yeah. >> jimmy: which is -- if any of you know the show -- [ cheers and applause ] this show makes no sense. >> no sense at all. >> jimmy: a man kidnapped or took a helicopter from the government. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and lived in a volcano. >> right. >> jimmy: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> it happens. >> jimmy: it could happen, yeah -- >> it happens. >> jimmy: -- and you played a villain, and you -- you -- >> i -- i took a bunch of women hostage aboard the "queen mary" because that happens a lot, too, and -- and held a gun to these women's heads and we worked for eight days, and -- and flirted and had a great time. i had a girlfriend at the time so nothing was going to happen, and this one girl, robin dearden, caught my eye and she was funny and she was beautiful, and i threatened to kill her or date her. i gave her -- i gave her the option, and -- and a year later we were in the same improv comedy class. >> jimmy: oh, really. >> and i asked her out, and she said "yes," and then we -- >> jimmy: very nice. i like that. i have a clip of actually you meeting your wife. here we go.

>> you don't have a clip. >> what i'm saying is you don't want to have to hurt anybody. >> let us go. >> this one is going to give us trouble. i'm not going to have any trouble with you. am i? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah, absolutely. you going to stick around, right? >> definitely, i'd love to. >> jimmy: more with bryan cranston when we come back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, everybody.

we're back with bryan cranston. let's talk about "breaking bad." >> yeah. [ cheers and applause ] that's a wild show. i'll tell you, when i first talked to the writer of our show, vince gilligan, he said he wanted to do something that's never been done before, and that's to take a character at the beginning of a show, turn him from like "mr. chips," a great guy, into "scarface," and i -- i thought, "yeah, can we do that?" and -- and we're beginning to do that, so by the end of this series -- i'll be a -- a vicious criminal. >> jimmy: really. >> yeah. >> jimmy: people who haven't watched the show, you are a teacher. >> i'm a high school chemistry teacher. >> jimmy: nicest guy. >> nicest guy, never got a ticket for anything. >> jimmy: no. >> and, unfortunately, he finds himself with terminal lung cancer with a year and a half or so to live. with that information, he's desperate and he makes this desperate decision to provide as much money for his family as he can before he goes. that's the premise, so -- he uses his chemistry background to cook crystal meth, as one would.

>> jimmy: seriously, that's what he does. you make crystal meth. >> crystal meth, yes. >> jimmy: now, is it easy to make crystal meth? >> it's not easy, but i've mastered it, and i have a very -- >> jimmy: no, no, no. >> i have a thriving sideline going on. i have a little package of crystal meth for each one of you in the audience. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh -- [ cheers and applause ] that's so nice. >> you're in trouble, jimmy! >> jimmy: you know what -- we just found out we can't do the crystal meth, but we can do the binikis. [ cheers and applause ] >> yeah, the binikis! >> jimmy: how are your binikis, by the way? >> it's a lile tight, a little tight. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. it's almost like male spanx. just move things around. >> moves it up and around. >> jimmy: all around -- i think of my chemistry teacher, mr. frank, and i go, man, is he making crystal meth in his garage?

>> yeah. well, you know, there have been a few cases of chemistry teachers who have done exactly that. we thought we were pioneering, but art, you know, copies life or life copies art, and there's been a few arrests. >> jimmy: really. >> yeah, exactly. it's wild. >> jimmy: it's a great show. we actually have a clip of "breaking bad." let's check it out right now. bryan cranston. >> step back right now. >> did you even hear what i said? >> sir, calm down. >> now, you're giving me a ticket. i told you that my house is in the debris field. do you have the remotest inkling of what that means? >> sir, calm down. >> hellfire rained down on my house. >> sir, i need you to step back. i need you to step back. >> there were body parts in my yard. are you kidding me? >> sir, this is your last warning. >> you've got to be kidding me. >> you've got about two seconds to stand down or i'm going to pepper spray you. >> oh, what -- you're gonna pepper spray? perfect! >> do you understand that? >> that is just perfect! pepper spray a man who is expressing his opinion under the first amendment. oh! ah -- [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: come on. that is good times, man. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you're great. >> thank you. >> jimmy: "breaking bad" airs sunday at 10:00 p.m. on amc. you catch up with season two on dvd and blu-ray. right now, bryan cranston, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] come on back. ♪ [ male announcer ] looks clean, doesn't it? but look below the surface. your mouth is no different. brushing leaves teeth looking clean, but millions of plaque and gingivitis germs are left behind. a quick 30-second rinse with listerine® antiseptic cleans deeper. [ boom! ] its unique penetrating formula destroys germs [ boom! ] brushing leaves behind. [ sighs ] [ male announcer ] ...for the deepest clean and the healthiest mouth. listerine®. clean deeper. get healthier. it activates on contact leaving your skin moisturized. it's clinically proven to fight skin dryness better than any regular men's body wash...

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♪ [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: our next guest this evening is a multiple grammy winning, multiple platinum selling musical artist. also the star of the big and small screen. her hbo series, "the number one women's detective agency" is a hit. and she's also one of the stars of the new tyler perry movie, "why did i get married too," which opens everywhere april 2nd. let's take a look at the clip. >> we are in this together, so we are going to make it together, okay? >> i don't want to talk about this right now. >> you know what, if this is too much for you to deal with, go, troy. go. because i'm not going to do this with you. i'm not going to do this with you or anybody else. you got me? >> what the hell are you talking about? i'm not going anywhere, sheila. >> why aren't you looking at me? why aren't you touching me? why aren't you acting like my husband? >> jimmy: yeah, so good. [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, a warm welcome for jill scott. ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

>> hello, hello, hello. >> jimmy: you are gorgeous. thank you for being here. >> thank you for having me. >> jimmy: oh, please. now, i know that you know the roots a little bit, don't you? >> a little? >> jimmy: yeah. >> a little! we go way, way back. >> jimmy: nice to meet you. >> it was, 1999? yeah, you're that old. >> questlove: no, two years ago. >> they gave me my start actually. >> jimmy: they did, right? ah, see, that's nice. [ cheers and applause ] that's very, very good. welcome -- welcome to the show. >> thank you. >> jimmy: we've got to talk about tyler perry's movie. i love this thing. you rock this movie. tyler perry must be a fun guy to work with. >> he's okay. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: come on! >> actually, he's really, really hard working. like his work ethic is crazy. he'll shoot two shows -- you

know he has two shows on pbs, and then he'll shoot the movie, and then he'll go have a meeting with the president of bolebolah and then come back and then direct. >> jimmy: bolebolah? >> i made it up! >> jimmy: it's hard to get a meeting with that guy. >> exactly. >> jimmy: we tried to book him on the show. president bolebolah and he was like -- won't do it. >> exactly. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, we might get him as a musical guest one week. it's just weird, yeah. >> he does play the guitar. >> jimmy: he does -- he does? >> yeah. >> jimmy: really, like a jazz type of thing? >> jazz, blues, soul, funk. >> jimmy: really, he does it all? bolebolah. >> very talented. bolebolah. >> jimmy: what's the name of this group? >> the cram curse. >> jimmy: the cram curse? >> the cram curse. >> jimmy: the cram curse, yeah. i've heard of them. >> yeah, they are good. >> jimmy: i think they were on south by southwest just this past year. >> they're actually going to do a part of my new record with me. >> jimmy: you're so talented. you're doing that and you're doing the tv show and the movie, by the way, which should be unbelievable. >> thanks. >> jimmy: but first of all, you get to shoot in the bahamas. >> yeah.

>> jimmy: that's unbelievable. >> well, we thought it was going to be unbelievable, but at the time all the bugs migrated to the island that we were on. i mean, all the bugs in the world -- [ laughter ] -- migrated to this island, so we had sand flies and we had -- and a big black thingy with pinchers at the end and they came out of the ocean, climbed up the beach, dug a hole, went down in the hole, climbed back up and flew away. [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, my god. oh, my god. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] did you get that stuff from bolebolah? that's amazing.

[ laughter ] >> good, good. >> jimmy: i also want to quickly talk with you, i know you're going on big tour with maxwell. >> yes. >> jimmy: this summer. >> yes. >> jimmy: and then -- [ scattered applause ] >> and you like that? >> jimmy: that's going to be great. >> i think so. >> jimmy: and also lilith fair is back. >> yeah, yeah -- >> jimmy: i'm kind of excited about that. >> i'm pretty excited myself. it's my first time. i get to see sheryl crow. which i just absolutely love her -- >> jimmy: i love sheryl crow. >> and erykah badu is going to be there. [ scattered cheers ] >> jimmy: she's my favorite. i love her. >> that's my girl. i'm trying to think of all the people -- the bangles are going to be there. [ cheers ] okay, old school. [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the go-go's. >> oh, my gosh. >> jimmy: got to be indigo girls. they got to show up. >> they have to show up. >> jimmy: yeah, they got to do "closer to fine." right? yeah, totally. >> i don't know how i'm going to focus. okay, okay, let's go. thank you very much. next. >> jimmy: no, you're going to -- >> i want to see everybody. >> jimmy: are you going to do your magic trick on stage?

>> my magic trick, well, which one? >> jimmy: well, i heard that you do a magic trick. now, i don't believe -- i don't believe that this is going to happen, but i heard that you can blow smoke out of your mouth. >> yes. >> jimmy: without even -- without -- just right now. without inhaling any smoke. >> i can, but it's hard to see. it's tricky. it's tricky. want me to try it? >> jimmy: yeah, love to see it, right, you guys? come on. [ cheers and applause ] >> oh, man. i feel on pressure. pressure. >> jimmy: i don't understand this. okay. >> jimmy: whoa! wait, i did see it. i swear i saw it. that is insane. >> that's awesome. >> jimmy: how did you do that? no, i saw it. i really saw it. ♪ >> thank you. >> jimmy: wait, did we get that? is that on -- can we get that? >> it's kind of difficult to see. >> jimmy: how is that possible? >> i am magic. >> jimmy: are you a dragon? >> look, look. >> jimmy: wait, what is that? don't show me that. no, stop doing this -- no, what are you doing? don't do that. don't do any of that stuff. no, no. >> bryan: that's freaking me out!

>> you can handle it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, my god. >> bryan: oh, man! >> jimmy: he's freaking out, man! he's freaking out. >> bryan: what was that i smoked? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. you've got to come back whenever you want to. >> i would love to. >> jimmy: jill scott. >> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: -- may 21st -- go see that show -- look for "why did i get married too" in theaters everywhere next friday, april 2nd. we'll be right back with comedian morgan murphy. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ host: could switching to geico really save you

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♪ >> jimmy: all right, very nice. [ cheers and applause ] you guys, our next guest recently won an ecny award for best female stand-up comedienne. she will be performing at the bridgetown comedy festival in portland, oregon, next month, give it up for the very funny

morgan murphy, everybody. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> that's the most i've ever danced in my life. hi, everybody. that's -- that's nice of you to be here. i -- i was at a bar recently, and they -- a lady came up to me, eastern european-type lady, and she said, "excuse me, miss --" she had an accent, i don't do accents. so, let's lower our expectations. she said, "excuse me, miss, but i'd like to photograph you because i'm a photographer and i take pictures of androgynous women." [ laughter ] yeah. to my face she said that. [ laughter ] but i was like, "joke's on you, lady, i'm a man." [ laughter ]

[ scattered applause ] yeah. she lost. she lost that one. you got to lie -- lie! lie in life, right? just lie. say like, "hey, beautiful lady --" i don't know why she has an accent now. i got brave. but just say like, you know, "come to my studio. i'm a photographer, i think you're beautiful and i'll show up and let me figure it out." all right, let me figure out your crazy agenda. you know? wander in, like, "well, put on this top hat." that's weird. this fake mustache doesn't make me feel pretty. i -- i'm not a man. not a man. i -- i'm also not a lesbian. a lot of people think i'm a lesbian. i'm not. i'm just sad, and it reads the same. [ audience ohs ] i -- i don't know when that happened. gosh, she must love chicks. no, i hate life -- similar, similar. i moved here recently to

new york about a year ago. good place, i guess. [ laughter ] you know you can drink till 4:00 in the morning in new york. [ cheers and applause ] no! please be quiet. that's not a good thing. that is not a good -- no, if you're drinking at 4:00 in the morning you should not be allowed to be out and about with other people. you should be at home alone coping with a problem. you know? that 4:00 a.m. drinking. i came here from los angeles. at 1:30, at 1:30, that's last call. at 1:30 the bartender says to you, "hey, stop that." you know? and then i say to the bartender, "thank you for saving me from myself." right? i'm going to get in my car and drive home now and we're going to be fine. we're going to be fine, right? [ light laughter ] everything is going to be good. in new york i can't handle it. i can't handle it. 4:00 in the morning. that's the morning, you know. you walk out. the sun's coming up. my friends are chasing me around. they are like, "morgan, you just did nine shots off a baby!" you know?

[ laughter ] and i'm just like, "i'm not driving. i'm not driving." like not driving is an excuse for any horrific behavior you could possibly get yourself into. right? [ cheers ] it's not. at all. you know -- [ cheers and applause ] you can't -- they're like, "morgan, you can't just let that guy pee on you." "hey, i'm taking a taxi, so -- [ laughter ] don't mess up my fun. you're not my friend. you're not my friend." i don't know. i do like it out here. i went sledding this year for the first time. fun for me. pretty good stuff. you should have seen me. i was -- i went to the goodwill, got a head-to-toe red jumpsuit, you know, for like $5. i was going down the hill super fast. my friends are like, "look, it's the red baron." and i said, "are you making fun of me because i can't have children?" [ audience ohs ]

and that was fun. that was a fun thing that we shared together. i thought that that was fun and exciting. [ light laughter ] my friends had a sense of humor as well. this is a great job, and i can't believe i got to leave you guys soon, but this is -- this is a great job. i get to watch tv all day and work at night which i love watching daytime tv. i love maury povich. that's my favorite. [ cheers ] he's the best. not the paternity episodes. i get it, you're not the dad, and you're gonna dance and that's fine. i like the ones where it's like, "help, i can't control my kid." you know those? like, "ah, my teenagers crazy so you fix it tv!" you know? and it's never two parents in like sweater vest going like, "we don't know what happened." it's always the same mom, she's got 4 teeth, she's in like methadone haze, needles in her arms. [ light laughter ] "i don't know what i did wrong. i don't know what i did wrong." you know? and you just want to shake her and go, "you did everything wrong." from keeping it till now, you're wrong, wrong, wrong and now there's a slut in your house and

that's how life works. [ audience ohs ] and they are interviewing -- interviewing her daughter backstage. he daughter's 14-years-old. she goes, "i had sex with 100 guys." and she goes, "i had sex and my grandma walked in." then she tops it off. she goes, "i had sex for a cheeseburger." [ laughter ] i swear, i swear. so maury brings her out front to an audience of aggressive adults. and says what we would all say in that situation. right? "you had sex for cheeseburger?" and she says, and i quote, "yeah, cheeseburgers taste good." [ laughter ] that's it. that is her answer, right? [ scattered applause ] i'm in my room pacing, like this is the end of society. culture is spiraling out of control. i've got to go volunteer in like africa, i'm not going to do it because i don't mean it. but, i'm thinking about it. and then, all of a sudden i had this epiphany. this realization. i was like "oh, my god, i wish i had a reason as good as a cheeseburger for like half the

guys i've had sex with." [ laughter ] she's a genius. thank you guys very much. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thanks. morgan murphy, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] that's what i'm talking about. thank you, buddy. my thanks to bryan cranston, jill scott -- [ cheers and applause ] morgan murphy! and the greatest band in "late night," the roots, right there. [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for carson daly. thanks for watching. have a great weekend. hope to see you next week. good-bye. [ cheers and applause ] ♪