jim falcon and musical guest >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- jessica alba. director ben falcone. this week in unnecessary censorship and music from sia with cleto and the cletones and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hello, everyone. thank you for being here.

are you ready for the fourth of july? i love the fourth of july. it's the one day of the year it's okay to get drunk and sit on the roof. on july fourth, 1776, the continental congress adopted the declaration of independence. in the old days, congress used to do stuff. and the declaration of independence is probably the most famous breakup letter ever. one of the great traditions is the hot dog eating contest. they've been having this contest since 1916. heimlich used to hang out there to work on his maneuver. last year, a gentleman by the name of joey chestnut set a world record by eating 69 hot dogs with buns in ten minutes. he's the number one ranked eater

in the world. his parents must be -- what's the opposite of proud? his parents must be so relieved they don't have to feed him anymore. some of these guys dip the hot dog buns in water before they eat them to make them go down faster. tomorrow they might not have to. hurricane arthur may take care of that for them. it's ruining the fourth for a lot of the east coast. they've already pushed a lot of the activities to the fifth of july, to saturday. and then i guess everything on the fifth will be held on the sixth, and so on, forever. so far, fireworks shows in new jersey, pennsylvania, massachusetts, rhode island, virginia, north carolina and maryland have been postponed. they're doing it for safety reasons, which i get. but it's hard to take a hurricane named arthur seriously. arthur is not a name -- arthur is the name for a friendly

cartoon ardvark who teaches toddlers the importance of sharing. hurricane jim parsons put on a wind breaker. hurricane nick note, you better hide. here in california, our firework also be firing on schedule. here's a fireworks safety tip for you. don't eat them. one of my favorite parts of this time of the year are the inevitable fireworks safety announcements they do on the news, which is also the most terrifying time of the year for mannequins. >> these explosions involve mannequins. they are re-enactments of actual accidents involving fireworks. the number of accidents is increasing. >> parents should tell their kids not to play with fireworks

and particularly sparklers. >> some of the worst accidents happen when people buy banned fireworks. >> i have to say, all those videos make me want to blow up a mannequin. so if you're made of plastic and have no ability to move, be very careful on the fourth of july. if your fourth of july does get rained out, you can go to the movies. some critics are never kind to director michael bay, but he makes movies that people love, and that kind of is the point of making the movies. so we did something i believe is unprecedented. we contacted some of the top film critics in the country, people who have written negative

reviews of michael bay in the past and we asked them to say something nice about michael bay. so michael, if you're watching, not that you need it, here's a little past for your self-esteem. >> every time michael bay destroys another part of downtown chicago in another "transformer" movie, street parking gets easier, so that's good. >> i love movie trailers, 2 1/2 minutes of explosions, all that stuff. michael bay makes movies feel like movie trailers. >> you remind me of hitchcock. in one way you surpass him. you're thinner. >> he seems to have great hair, and i hear he's above average in the height department. >> michael bay loves his dogs, and i'm pretty sure that's what megan fox was talking about when

she compared him to hitler. >> hitler did love his dogs. sadly, michael has gone deaf from all the explosions and will never hear those kind words. but thank you for them any way. speaking of artists that have been understood, an artist sold this action called "my bed." and it's a bed littered with cigarette butts, clothes and garbage. do you know how much it sold for? $4.25 million. i kid you not. she created this work in the '90s and it became famous because it made people debate what is and is not art. this would fall into the not category. someone paid more than $4 million for it, which makes it something, i guess. i'm just not sure what. >> it's pretty much assured its place in art history, this piece. partly i would say because it epitomizes that question of what

is art? because when you produce this, they're saying it's not art. they're still saying it. >> no, they're not. >> is it art? >> of course it's art. >> it's your art. >> that is art. 20 years ago this wasn't art. now it definitely is. it's changed people's perception of art, that's why it's a seminal piece of art and why it's important. >> not only didn't you make the bed, you didn't even make the bed. so good luck getting your kids to clean their rooms now, folks. we have a great musical performance for you tonight. sia will be here. have you seen the music video for "chandelier?"

it's great. for those not particular, here's a clip. ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: so great, right? [ applause ] i saw that and i decided that i should know how to dance like that. guillermo, both of us, right? >> yeah, right. >> jimmy: so we contacted the young lady. she's 11 years old on the show "dance moms" and she took time to help us learn how to fly like a bird in the night and swing from the chandelier. hello, baddy. i'm jimmy. >> maddie. >> this is my son, guillermo.

>> hi. >> jimmy: we saw your video and it's great and we wanted to learn to dance like that. >> sure. you can just stand there and i'll show you. >> don't go too fast. go slow. >> okay. >> jimmy: your room is very scary, by the way. >> thank you. >> jimmy: you're welcome. >> circle, circle, foot down, down, up, up, up. one, two, three, one, two, three, sit. one, two, three, one, two, three, sit. up, down, twist. one, two, three, sit. >> jimmy: was i intimidated by the choreography? you know, they having

choreographed choreography that intimidates this guy, yet. how do you do the crazy eyes thing? >> like this. >> wow, scary. >> you have to sell it with your face. >> jimmy: sell it with your face, i like that. >> sell it with your face. >> jimmy: i don't dance a lot, but when i do dance, i dance well. and i really -- it's when i feel most free is when i'm dancing. [ laughter ] ♪

>> wow. >> jimmy: i feel very alive right now. i feel like i'm glowing, not just from the inside, but i feel like the outside of me is glowing also. i felt really good about it. what did you think? >> it's better than i thought it would be. >> jimmy: oh, thank you. >> it's your turn. >> come on, guillermo. get in here. >> i was scared. ♪

[ laughter ] ♪ >> how i did? >> it's okay. your face, you don't have like a dancer's face. your eyes are pretty good. >> like a dancer's face. nice. >> i thought you guys were pretty equal. >> jimmy: maybe we should do the three of us equal so we can just like blow this thing out. >> that's a great idea.

>> sia "chandelier," take thee. ♪ ♪ [ laughter ] ♪

[ cheers and applause ] >> it was a little creepy. just a little bit. >> jimmy: i didn't think so at all. i thought it was adorable. >> you did a great job. >> jimmy: i think you did a really good job. i think it's better with thee people. no offense, but the video is great and everything. but with three, it's like watching -- it's like mirror images in a way, you know? >> i don't want to say that jimmy and guillermo are bad at dancing. all right, i'll just say it, they're really bad at dancing. ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: that bed we were jumping on, they just sold it for $30 million. thank you. it's time for our weekly tribl beaut to the fcc where we bleep and blur things. whether they need it or not, it's "this week in unnecessary censorship." >> we now know the staff [ bleep ] my [ bleep ]. they forced me. >> independent experts said that deal would strengthen our borders, grow our economy, and shrink our [ bleep ]. >> my question, gentleman, can i [ bleep ] myself 24 hours a day? >> yes. >> beyonce has [ bleep ] off oprah.

>> most redheads are un[ bleep ]able. >> yeah, hit the beach. get out there early. [ bleep ] your [ bleep ]. >> you [ bleep ] using hash tag [ bleep ] strong. >> they won't be laughing for long. but i've got the perfect smelly stuff to make them scream. a big stinky piece of [ bleep ]. >> you sound [ bleep ]. >> yeah, i do. i like that smell. >> it reminds me of india. [ cheers and applause ] . >> jimmy: tonight on the show, from "tammy" ben falcone is here. we have music from sia. and we'll be right back with jessica alba. so stick around. when francois thibault said he was going to make vodka in cognac,

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>> jimmy: welcome back. in just a few moments jessica alba and i are going to face off on the tweeter totter. this is a teeter totter -- whoever gets stuck at the top

has to tweet something embarrassing from their twitter account. with no explanation. you can't say oh, i had this. and not only is it potentially humiliating -- as i discovered with julie bowen a couple of months back --it's dangerous too. a, oh, my goodness. >> what happened? are you okay? >> jimmy: i bruised my tailbone and the kids on "modern family" almost lost their mother that night. also tonight, the co-star and director of the new movie "tammy," ben falcone is here. and then, her new album, "1000 forms of fear" comes out tuesday, sia from the at&t outdoor stage. sia will be joined on stage by little maddie and ryan heffington's kitchen dance troupe. sia will also be performing with her back to the audience. we will not see her face. which i guess it's like -- her

name really should be "can't sia." thank you. on the eve of independence day, i'd like to thank our nation's founding father. our on august 27, our guest returns to sin city. please say hello to jessica alba. [ applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. that's very nice of you. >> so this is your last show before you have a baby. >> jimmy: yeah, probably. [ applause ]

>> and you haven't had a baby around in 20 years. >> jimmy: that is true, yeah. almost 21. >> i have a company called the honest company, and i'm giving you everything that you need. >> jimmy: i thought maybe you shoplifted a target or something. >> no. we are in target now, but i have everything from cute diapers and toys to soothing bum wash. >> jimmy: can i use that for myself? >> absolutely. smells delightful. >> jimmy: jason, come over here and let me push you around in this, just for old time's sake. maybe later in the show. thank you, jessica. i'll bring this over here and you sit over there. >> i hope molly sees it. >> jimmy: who's molly? i always forget about my wife when you're here. have a seat. how does it work? you have to feed these kids, right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: like twice a day? >> no. >> jimmy: more than that?

>> yeah, sometimes every hour and a half. >> jimmy: oh, my god, this is a nightmare. i'm glad i got all that stuff. >> and you're a foodie. i'm sure your kid will be into food. >> jimmy: can you give them hamburgers right away? >> not yet. you have some nipple balm there, because i'm sure there will be some breastfeeding. >> jimmy: that's for molly, not me. >> you can try if you want. >> jimmy: guillermo and i could have used some of that nipple balm in the dance video we did earlier. how is it going? >> really well. >> jimmy: your kids are well? >> they are. >> jimmy: naming your company the honest company, that insinuates all the other companies are dishonest. >> we're not perfect, we're honest, we try to do the best we can and we have our customer's best interest in mind. that's the way we operate. >> jimmy: do you go to like headquarters and bust heads?

>> that's my office. and we actually -- we're going to have 215 employees by the end of the month, which is insane. we've only been up for 2 1/2 years. >> jimmy: this is like your idea. >> yeah, and i got together some awesome partners and now we're up and in target and so it's really cool. >> jimmy: what sorts of things -- do you really get involved? >> everything from design to the product development to initially when we launched, i was like we have to have everything from household cleaning products to personal care products, shampoos, body wash, lotion, all that. we also needed diapers and wipes. so it was my idea to go across those different categories and to go to our customer and to have a social aspect. >> jimmy: you're going to be a billionaire. >> i don't know. >> jimmy: well, i know. >> i just hope that, you know, families know that we have their best interest in mind and this

is the family brand that you can rely on. >> jimmy: you really drunk the kool-aid. >> i created it. >> jimmy: you concocted the kool-a kool-aid. >> i speak at these conferences, so it's so bizarre. >> jimmy: you should answer the customer service line. >> i do. >> jimmy: you do? >> absolutely. >> jimmy: if somebody calls the 800 number, you're on the other end? >> not all the time. but i train all the customer service. i tell them i founded the company, this and that, because they're telling if there's a problem and i try to help fix the problem. >> jimmy: do they believe it's really you? >> they're just more concerned about the problem. i don't know if it really registers that it's me. they're just like oh, jessica. >> jimmy: i gotcha. >> i don't think they understand. >> jimmy: let's put it this way, you're going to start getting a lot more calls now. >> customer service is in our

office, so they're right there. >> jimmy: i think you're supposed to outsource that to another country. >> we don't do that. >> jimmy: and i don't know that -- it must be an unusual thing selling all these healthy baby products and playing a stripper in a movie at the same time. >> here's the thing. my day-to-day life is, i am a businesswoman. i am a mom. i love to cook. as you know. and i make these family products. and this is what i love is my passion. but my creative side is acting. >> jimmy: you have a dark side. >> i do have a dark side. >> jimmy: you really do. >> and it's right in line with that dark side. >> jimmy: we're going to see a clip from your dark side in a moment. and we are -- you were kind enough to volunte luunteer -- y drafted getting on the tweeter totter. let's have a quick look and just show people. when we come back, we'll see a

clip from jessica's new movie "sin city: a dame to kill for" and we'll get on the tweeter totter. jessica alba is here. we'll be right back. what's with all the running? running here. running there. running into things. running out of things. making runs.

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maybe i'll prove both of you wrong. maybe i'll go crazy. ♪

>> jimmy: that is jessica alba with bruce willis in "sin city: a dame to kill for." there are ten ridiculous tweets on this wheel, and while you and i go up and down, guillermo is going to spin the wheel. whoever is on top when the wheel lands on one of these tweets, has to tweet it to their followers. how many followers do you have on twitter? >> like 6 million maybe. >> jimmy: millions of followers. the rules is we can't explain why we're tweeting these things. so nicky, refresh the page to refirm tweets have been posted. we'll tweet and people will unfollow us. are you ready, jessica?

>> yes. >> jimmy: do you feel good about this? >> i feel good about this. >> jimmy: guillermo, spin that wheel and let's see. don't spin it so hard next time, guillermo. >> okay. >> jimmy: what do i have to tweet? just shoplifted a ham. >> naughty boy. >> jimmy: you cheated, by the way. oh, boy.

v-o-n-s-m-a-r-k-e-t. and now, i will tweet that. [ applause ] let what does it say? >> just shoplifted a ham from vonsmarket. >> jimmy: let's do it again. here we go. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, i think it's me again. this is terrible. all right. it's a good one, though.

are hamsters recyclable? peta is going to love that. all right. let's do one more. try to get one with jessica, okay? jessica, how is it possible that you have control of these? i weigh like six times you. who is it? >> jessica. >> jimmy: come on, jessica. let's see what some of the others ones are, guillermo. >> i cry when i pee. >> jimmy: i like that.

oh, that would have been a good one. >> had to throw out my sheets again. >> jimmy: what beer goes with children's tylenol? what is it again, guillermo, she is supposed to tweet? >> i don't remember. i had to throw out my sheets again. >> jimmy: did it go out, vickie? >> doesn't look like it. >> yes, it did. >> i had to throw out my sheets again. [ applause ] >> jimmy: jessica alba, everyone. "sin city: a dame to kill for" opens in theatres august 22nd. we'll be right back. >> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by at&t, mobilizing your world. bout best-ever family pricing thing. its ten gigs of data to share with unlimited talk and text,

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please say hello to ben falcone. [ cheers and applause ] i assume you know your wife was here on monday. she's very, very funny. >> oh, good. >> jimmy: she got a big honor, i assume you were there for this, across the street at the chinese theater. she got her feet placed in cement, not in a bad mafia way, but in the best possible way. >> that was a blast. >> jimmy: who is that man holding your wife's foot? >> there were several people there. there was a stick guy, and he was the one who had the stick so she could write. then there was a towel guy who would wash off her hands, because it's cement, which is a little bit scary. >> jimmy: yeah, you have cement on. it comes right 5u6? >> you know, sort of.

that's why there's a towel guy. there was like a little bit of a team. >> jimmy: is there a hierarchy between them, the towel guy can't be in charge, right? >> i think the stick guy was in charge, but the towel guy would shoot him looks like, one day. >> jimmy: if he carries a stick. i know you guys had a lot of family in town for the ceremony and for the premiere of the movie. >> yes, we do. we have a small house, and that's like 20 people in it at all times. we love them all, but it's sort of like an all-ages frat party in my backyard. >> jimmy: are they still there? >> yeah, they're there right now. the kids are swimming and the adults are drinking. >> jimmy: nice. are they ever leaving? >> i'm not ever sure. it's like that operator, when are you going to get out of there? >> jimmy: whose family are we talking about here? >> all of them. it's actually wonderful. they all live in illinois, so it's not that often they're

here. so it's great to have them all here. >> jimmy: it is. >> they're just all drinking from my guinness keg. >> jimmy: when you have one of those installed, you can't be surprised when people stay for the duration. i have one of those in my backyard life right now. >> how much better is your life now? we got this as a present, melissa got it as a gift from a producer. it was so nice. i said, let's put it in storage. four months later i think, what kind of a dilwad puts a keg arator in storage? we put it in the backyard and our hives have been 32% better since. >> jimmy: it's great for the kids too when they discover beer. you don't have to go to a 7-eleven and ask some weirdo to buy it for them. >> yeah, we don't have to do that.

>> jimmy: your wife said you guys met, you told the story before, at a comedy group. and she said that you were working on a character that was creepy and affeminate. and she liked that immediately. >> yeah. if you want to catch that gal, just play a creepy character and it will work. >> jimmy: what are the keys to being creepy and afeminate? >> melissa's character was really funny, and i don't know what to do. so i just went the other day and i got soft and quiet, and i'm like, it's so nice to have you as my roommate. and the class is like what the hell is he doing? i get back to my seat, and me lessa says, that was really funny.

>> jimmy: how long after that did you get married? >> six months after that. >> jimmy: did you have a funny proposal or just normal? >> no, i did a bad job. >> jimmy: what did you do? >> when i proposed to melissa, i knew i wanted to do it and i saved up and gotten her a ring. i called her parents and i asked permission, which i thought was gentlemanly. and i knew her favorite place was our house, specifically our back porch and her favorite time of the day was morning. i thought, this is it, nothing fancily, no frills, just do it right. i called her parents, they said yes. it was really nice. i brought back a nice breakfast of some kind. then i immediately got really weird and formal. melissa, would you please attend the porch with me. she's like, oh, god, i did something wrong because i never call her melissa, i call her

mooch. what i didn't know is that she had called a contractor to come and replace the toilet. so i literally had just dragged her back, she thinks she's in trouble. we get a knock on the door and she said i forgot to tell you, he's putting in a new toilet. i'm like, okay, she's there for seven hours. apparently, this is a really bad toilet. >> jimmy: what the toilet? >> i don't know. this guy is out there banging around, and i'm like -- so meanwhile, i'm just walking around and melissa thinks i'm more and more mad, because i'm jacked up and i i don't know where to put my energy. i thought, i'll ask her to marry me in a dog park. but you don't do that. finally, it's like seven hours later, 4:00 p.m., i'm super jacked up. she's watching like a plastic surgery show on tv.

and she's playing video tetris. and the door closes and i literally like run at her as fast as i can, and i'm like, melissa, will you marry me? and i tackled her. she's like, what the hell is going on? i'm like no, i'm serious, will you marry me? she cried and then -- >> jimmy: from the injuries? [ laughter ] >> i don't know. i should ask her. >> jimmy: you're a real romantic, my friend. >> she tifinally said yes. >> jimmy: it is called "tammy" in theaters right now. ben falcone, everybody. we'll be right back with music from sia.

>> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by at&t, mobilizing your world. >> jimmy: i'd like to thank jessica alba, ben falcone and

apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time for him. "nightline" is next. but first, her album, "1000 forms of fear" comes out july 8th. here with the song "chandelier", sia. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ party girls don't get hurt can't feel anything when will i learn ♪ ♪ i push it down push it down i'm the one for a good time call ♪ ♪ phone's blowin' up they're ringin' my doorbell ♪ ♪ i feel the love feel the love ♪ ♪ one two three one two three drink one two three one two three drink ♪ ♪ one two three one two three drink throw 'em back 'til i lose count ♪ ♪ i'm gonna swing from the chandelier from the chandelier ♪ ♪ i'm gonna live

like tomorrow doesn't exist ♪ ♪ like it doesn't exist ♪ ♪ i'm gonna fly like a bird through the night ♪ ♪ feel my tears as they dry ♪ ♪ i'm gonna swing from the chandelier from the chandelier ♪ but i'm holding on for dear life won't look down won't open my eyes ♪ ♪ keep my glass full until morning light 'cos i'm just holding on for tonight ♪ ♪ help me i'm holding on for dear life won't look down ♪ ♪ won't open my eyes keep my glass full until morning light 'cos i'm just ♪ ♪ holding on for tonight on for tonight ♪ ♪ sun is up i'm a mess gotta get out now gotta run from this ♪ ♪ here comes the shame here comes the shame ah ♪

♪ one two three one two three drink one two three one two three drink ♪ ♪ one two three one two three drink throw 'em back 'til i lose count ♪ ♪ i'm gonna swing from the chandelier from the chandelier ♪ ♪ i'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist ♪ ♪ like it doesn't exist ♪ i'm gonna fly like a bird through the night ♪ ♪ feel my tears as they dry i'm gonna swing ♪ ♪ from the chandelier from the chandelier ♪ ♪ but i'm holding on for dear life

won't look down won't open my eyes ♪ ♪ keep my glass full until morning light 'cos i'm just holding on for tonight ♪ ♪ help me i'm holding on for dear life won't look down ♪ ♪ won't open my eyes keep my glass full until morning light ♪ ♪ 'cos i'm just holding on for tonight on for tonight ♪ ♪ on for tonight 'cos i'm just holding on for tonight i'm just holding ♪ ♪ on for tonight on for tonight on for tonight ♪ ♪ 'cos i'm just holding on for tonight 'cos i'm just holding on for tonight ♪ ♪ i'm just holding on for tonight on for tonight on for tonight ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

this is "nightline." >> tonight, breaking news. as we go on the air, a state of emergency declared. hurricane arthur touching ground, wreaking havoc on the east coast, with winds gusting up to 100 miles an hour. we're in the eye of the storm. >> by tomorrow morning. plus, labor of love. they never met, but they're about to save each other's lives. >> you look into people's eyes and see hope that wasn't there before. >> men and women risking everything to go under the knife. we're inside the o.r. as a record breaking transplant chain is under way. how far would you go for a stranger? and all on the line. by day he's a high school football superstar. bu