there's this misconception that the cia is only about thwarting terrorism. bullock: truth is, we're just like any other office. come on. you can do this. (heaving breathing, stammering syllables) dick: boo! sanders: you suck, jackson! it says "no touchy." yep, just your average, everyday office. no espionage around here. especially with this little trick. (male giggling) no! not my privacy strips. please come back. (instrumental theme music)

kind of fun when your car's in the shop and i get to drive you to work. makes me feel like we're partner cops. (mimicking walkie-talkie): let's roll, there's a 10-2 over on eight, with a couple of perps. (chuckles) hey, why don't i come by and pick you up for lunch? oh, babe, you know i'd love to spend every minute of every day with you, but i am too swamped to go off-campus today. he really means it. he'd spend every minute of every day with me if he could. security gate. oh, god! (tires screech) this is good. kiss. kiss. whew! we almost had two cars in the shop. (typing) morning, stan.

good morning, lorraine. uhp-pa-pa. hang on. i got to go over you with the metal detector. (mimicking a detector): bup-bup, bup-bup, bup-bup, bup-bup (rapidly): bup-bup, bup-bup, bup-bup, bup-bup. uh-oh! someone's got buns of steel! (sniffs) you smell that? something's on fire? oh, it's you-- you're smoking. (imitates fire extinguisher) (giggles) yeah, i flirt at work. we all do. it's-it's nice to feel desirable, you know? it's harmless fun. like eating grapes at the supermarket, or taking your penis out on the subway. yeah! shake it, thunder butt! i actually have a nickname around here. the ladies gave it to me because of my legendary derriere. oh, you want to see the thunder clap? (cheeks clap) (laughs) whoo! man: yeah. there he goes. (co-workers laughing) oh, man! check it. hard, right? (cheeks clap) like two rocks kissing over the mouth of a coyote den. (cheeks clapping) hey, ginger scoops.

i was looking at nudie mags in that field and i need you to check me for ticks. oh, goodness. this is truly the most beautiful birdhouse i've ever seen. did you buy it from god? no, i made it myself. (gasps) steven, you have a gift. with my business savvy and your natural ability, we could make a fortune. oh, i just do it for fun, and to help a bird or two get out of the cold. what if you could help thousands of birds? gosh, i-i'd say "yes." put her there, partner. i'll go drum up some business. but first, i really need you to check me for ticks. (ravenous slurping) anything? they're tough to see. and i said, "i don't like tomatoes," and he said he can make it without the tomatoes. sounds delish. this is good. kiss. kiss. oh, i didn't know the forecast was calling for thunder. (laughing): whoo! whoo!

thunder? what's she talking about? oh, she's big into hang gliding. she probably won't go up today. not with that much chop. phew! (giggles) bullock: attention everyone! some of you have been asking where my assistant monroe has gone. what happened to him?! simmer, sanders. monroe has decided to breed mastiffs up in canada. apparently you can get $1,200 per puppy. so that's pretty good. anyway... i decided to promote lorraine to be my new assistant. now, we'll need a new receptionist, so i'm going through résumés. but i'll be honest, the only ones we've gotten are from chinese spies trying to infiltrate us. silly chinese. even with their ninja magic they could never pass for one of us. (chinese accent): they've mastered art of the noodle, but not art of disguise. (laughing): good one, butch. but seriously, anyone know anything

about any launch codes? my name is butch johnson from 5 green lane, plymouth, indiana, zip 46563-3781. i like shooting hoops and ms. kelly ripa. but seriously, anyone seen anything to do with launch codes? bam! two orders. prepaid. oh, boy. wait. two houses? i-i don't know if i can produce at that volume. steve, relax. you just concentrate on being the creative force god made you, and leave the rest to me. to our new business. to our new... (screams) these are a lot stronger than when i was a kid. jocelyn. joss. jossy. i wish that i was jossy's girl. (giggles) (elevator bell dings) francine: stan? (bowl shatters) ooh! francine! what are you doing here? (laughs) i work here. i'm the new receptionist. i'll be right back. i got to go fill out my paperwork with hr.

(guffaws) isn't this great? you're still filming?! don't you have enough footage yet? what is this even for? (chinese accent): uh, we are dutch documentary crew. yes, the dutch. i believe them. checks out to me! (laughs) but seriously, anyone know anything about any launch codes? ♪ here ...this is my world. this place inspires me... ...to be tougher... ...to stay sharper... ...to think faster. they may be just streets to you... ...but to me... ...they're a playground. ♪ never stop loving you ♪ 'cause i'm alive, sign and drive the fiat 500 pop, for $199 a month. with zero down and zero due at signing, for well qualified lessees.

can boldly satisfy any craving. share an appetizer, then choose two chili's entrees, like our classic bacon burger or our famous slow-smoked baby back ribs. chili's $20 dinner for two. [siri - here are directions to charlie grant's house.] is it cold in sante fe? raleigh? cleveland tonight? [siri- really cold. down to about 14 degrees.] find that e-mail with the naughty or nice list. [siri- new message from mrs. claus: go easy on the cookies.] [laughs] how does the rest of my day look? [siri - you have 3.7 billion appointments.] it attends wrap parties... with the crew. there's nothing like the taste of the big mac snack wrap. but hurry. it has places to be. ♪

isn't this great, us working together? i know. yay. how did this happen? it was at one of your office christmas parties, years ago. with steve now in school, i've got the itch to start working again. your chest is crazy. definitely send me your résumé. i didn't get the job at the time, but when i was dropping you off the other morning, i ran into bullock. (tires squealing) (screams) my leg! you bitch! i'm gonna sue the living...

crazy chest. how are you? well, that is just fantastic. mind if i borrow your desk rock? are you nuts?! you hired my wife?! so? i also banged your daughter. and remember your fourth of july barbecue? i muff-punched your gram-gram; she was just too senile to know it. work is where i come to socialize. having francine here will ruin that. how would you like it if your wife worked here? oh, i'd love it. is there an opening for a woman who bangs every black man she meets in a red lobster parking lot? (scooter honks) three more orders. (grunts) (grunts, sighs) you bought a scooter? shouldn't we be putting our profits back into the company?

the birdhouse game is all about appearance, steve. do you think i would have made all those sales if i had shown up on my hippity hop? all right. well, can you at least go get me some more supplies? i'm on it. (grunts) (engine revving, tires screech) (laughing): whoo-hoo-hoo! stan. hi. oh, hi, francine. how's your day going? (growling): thunder! uh, i-i really got to go. i-i have to mail something. yeah! show the new girl the thunder clap. (cheeks clapping) clap! clap! clap! clap! yeah! well. that was something. francine, i can explain. stan, don't worry about it. it's just a little harmless flirting. right, that's all it is. you don't have to change your behavior now that i'm here. are-are you sure? absolutely. flirt away.

hey, jocelyn, good news. i can still throw goldfish crackers into your cleavage. (cheering) (giggles) feel the bullet stuck in there? mmm, i can't tell if it's that or an ab muscle. everything's so hard. (laughing nervously) is this-is this how we're fighting al-qaeda now? by-by horsing around?! stan, how come you didn't tell me everyone is so nice here? i've got your wedding ring. technically, you're not married. (happily): hey, you give that back. (laughs) yeah! i'm the mayor of jam city! (timer ticks, bell dings)

hi, honey. how was your day? thompson's riding my ass again. he still wants you to get that proposal done by monday? i'm sorry, i'm going to have to work all weekend. oh, poor baby. tell you what. i'll sit on the kids tonight. you take a hot bath... (rumbling) (crashing) tatianna! leave me! save the kids! (chirps) father bird (screaming): no...! (crackling, crash) (sighs) what a piece of crap. (phone line rings) (sobbing): oh, no! how could this happen?! this isn't a mcginty screw. (stammering): it's just a cheap knockoff!

how on earth...? (gasps) roger! that bastard! (gasps) oh, greg, look! the aquabot made it to the shallow end. (francine giggling) francine: come on. stop it. oh! wheel me back to my desk. spinny chair! who wants my hot black box? of coffee! (giggling) what's the matter with you guys? you forget about lorraine already? i'm wearing my pocahontas boots. oh, damn. oh, damn, my ankle. damn it! these indian boots are sexy as hell, but they do not support my frame. (francine giggling) spinny chair. i invented spinny chair. don't talk to me about spinny chair.

i hear you. i'm old news. everyone's just interested in that wife of yours. well, i'm not happy about it, either. when i flirt, it's cute-- borderline smurfy. when she flirts, it's not cute. sounds to me like that milky jezebel's giving us both trouble. if we want things to get back to normal, we got to come up with a way to get francine out of there. yeah, uh-huh. i hear you. oh, hey. how's your ankle? not good. doctor says i got to lose 55 pounds. i said, "well, i'm losing you. that's 200 pounds right there." mm-hmm! (mumbling) where... the hell... is my sandwich?! (gasps)

where is francine smith? oh. uh, her and a few people went down to the quad. hey, lorraine, you got to get to the quad. i thought of a way to take care of our francine problem. oh, i was just about to call you. i'm already down here. i came up with a plan myself. (laughing) (screaming) oh, god! that's acid in your face, you fine-ass bitch! ♪ [ male announcer ] you'd be shocked how much data you use in month. e-mail, status updates, finding your way, uploading photos, downloading an app, an app, and another app. kilobytes, megabytes, gigabytes... all stacki up until you reach your limit. and what happens if you go over? with sprint, you don't have to worry. only sprint offers truly unlimited data. trouble hearing on the phone? visisprintrelay.com.

what kind of monster are you? you said, "get rid of her." i meant get her fired. i stayed up all night plotting an intricate scheme with bullock's sandwich. yeah, well, while you were playing sandwiches, i was coming up with a real plan. you melted my wife's face! please.

how bad is it, doc? here. lookie. (gasps) oh, god! oh, no! oh, god! how could you show me that? i know. normally, we'd give her a skin graft, but we're currently in a nationwide skin shortage. we'll put her on the wait list, but it could take years. unless... she dies. why did lorraine do this? i don't know. i was just talking to her about getting you fired. i-i didn't mean for her to... wait. you were in on this? i can't believe my ears. you mean the holes where your ears used to be. and i'm sorry. get out of here, stan. i can't stand to be around you. okay, well... i'm going to go downstairs and grab a hamburger. roger: ♪ just like the white-winged dove ♪ ♪ sings a song, sounds like she's singing ♪ ♪ ooh, ooh... you! steve! you bought cheap screws, roger!

you cut corners to pay for your... your whores and your drugs and your stupid klaus tattoo! klaus likes it. you know what? you're nothing but a drug addict. birds died because of you! oh, my god. who cares? our partnership is over! i never want to see you again! then, don't look in the night sky, because i'm a star. and that's not the cocaine talking. so, girls, tell me more about your childhood. now, that's the cocaine talking. how's she doing? well, the good news is, eight people waiting for skin have died, so we're moving up the list. francine's furious with me. do you want me to read to your wife? i could read her some launch codes. but i would need those launch codes. francine: good morning. oh, my god. i'm out of here. oh, no. (screams) what are you doing here? shouldn't you be at home in case the skin people call? you'd like that, wouldn't you?

me sitting at home while you're here having fun. forget it, buster. i still have a job to do, and i'm not going to let you take that away. bullock: is that francine's voice i hear? look who made a speedy recov... no. hey, jackson. i have a face muffin in the toaster. oh, hi, ann. i need to talk to you about ordering some... not in the budget. (retches) hey, dick. do me a favor. yeah, buddy. anything. can you go chat with my wife, flirt with her a little? your wife? (chuckling): no. i saw newsies on broadway, man. i paid my dues. are you sure there's no way? francine! (chuckling): hey, foxy. oh. uh, hey, dick. you... want to talk to me? yeah, yeah. of course. settling back in okay? (whispering): keep going.

what you working on? oh, i'm just... oh, sorry. been shedding scabs all day. mm-hmm. mm-hmm. that's cool. i can't do it! (gun fires, dick screams) (straining): easy choice. hi, baby. you were threatening him so he'd talk to me? (francine sobbing) dick (straining): stan, i can't... believe how dirty it is under my desk. hey. roger. wow. i almost didn't recognize you. it's been a long time. i see you're still doing the birdhouse thing. it passes the time. it was always in your blood. yeah. so how have you been? good. real good. real good. cleaned up my act. got sober. living with a gal over on canal street. taking a couple classes over at the y. getting this tattoo lasered off. (laughs) the... the treatments hurt

more than putting the darn thing on. (chuckles) i'm sure. i'm sure. listen, steve, i'm sorry about what happened. what i put you through. water under the bridge. hon-honestly. well, i better get going. maybe we can grab a cup of coffee sometime? i'd like that. hey, roger. yeah? i'm rooting for you. i know, steve. you always were. our birdhouse business had been hard on me, but it had taken a real toll on roger. i knew it wasn't true-- the classes, the girlfriend, the sobriety. it was all a lie. that's why i wasn't surprised to read in the paper that he had od'd not ten seconds later. (gagging) (horn honking) (speaking chinese) (knock on door) stan: hey, butch, it's stan. (gasps) oh, no. oh, no. oh, no. fork, fork, fork, fork, fork! get rid of the chopstick and use the fork!

hey, stan. what up, playa? i'm just hanging out with the dutch. hey, sorry to bother you at home. it's just, i-i got those launch codes you've been asking about. oh, my god. but first, i just need you to take my wife to lunch tomorrow. you know, flirt with her, make her feel good. aah! i give up. i am chinese spy. don't make me have meal with your wife. her face is too much! (groans) oh, just have a seat anywhere. i don't know what to do. no one at work will flirt with my wife. why do you need someone to flirt with your wife? what do you mean? to make her feel good about herself. but you're her husband. why you no do that? well, because... i don't know. i-i guess... i didn't think it would mean as much coming from me. that so stupid, you silly goose. everything mean more from spouse. you're right. you're right. thank you. so... i'm not in trouble for being a spy?

oh, no, you are. (gun fires, butch screams) can you believe that guy? you dutch are all right, though. now, i have a question-- do all your ovens smell like farts? where does that... where does that saying come from? (sobbing) hey, beautiful. stan? what are you doing? flirtin' with ya. stan, it doesn't count. i'm your wife. no, it counts more than anything. instead of wasting my time flirting with people at work, i should have been flirting with you. you mean flirt... with each other? go ahead. try it, soft shoulders. okay. um, what do you want for dinner? no, that's not good. um, did you remember to pay the gas bill? no. god, it's so hard with you! uh... oh, i got it.

we have that thing at steve's school on wednesday night. that maybe we should blow off and...? do something more fu..? like get drunk on margaritas...? and spit on each other's bodies! okay, well, it's a start. we'll get the hang of it. i love you, thunder butt. that's it! what's it, my love? there you go. good as new. hey, crater butt. hey, ass face. captioning sponsored by 20th century fox television

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♪ the simple joy of famous flavor. [siri - here are directions to charlie grant's house.] is it cold in sante fe? raleigh? cleveland tonight? [siri- really cold. down to about 14 degrees.] find that e-mail with the naughty or nice list. [siri- new message from mrs. claus: go easy on the cookies.] [laughs] how does the rest of my day look? [siri - you have 3.7 billion appointments.]

(acetylene torch crackling) and a roll of quarters. it's laundry day. let's go!

(tires screech) (over speaker): drop your weapons! (gunfire) (tires screech) (tires screech, crashing) (police sirens wailing) (gunfire) (tires screeching) (tires screeching) ♪ trying on a hat ♪ yes, i'm trying on... (tires screeching) no...! (loud bump, cleveland grunts) (funky disco plays) ♪ my name is cleveland brown ♪ and i am proud to be ♪ right back in my hometown ♪ with my new family ♪ there's old friends and new friends ♪ ♪ and even a bear ♪ through good times and bad times ♪ ♪ it's true love we share ♪ and so i found a place ♪ where everyone will know

♪ my happy mustached face ♪ this is the cleveland show. ♪ (chuckles) (doors crash open) stay with us, cleveland! the hat... please tell me they saved the hat. all right-- quickly-- i need his medical information. what's his blood type? i think, maybe a-positive? (whispers): b-negative. does he take any medications? i don't think so. what? no meds. i take nine pills a day. is he allergic to penicillin? uh, i'm gonna say... no. wait. i'm extremely allergic... sweet greens and histamines! help. throat closing. sound like old jazz musician. (scats): ♪ skoozadoo-bop-diddly-bop ♪ a-doo-wap-bah. i still can't believe a van crashed into you at 70 miles an hour, and you only broke your thumb. stop changing the subject! what's important here is that you know absolutely nothing about me. look at this!

the only thing you knew was my name. and you spelled it wrong! it's not c-l-e-a...? c-l-e-v-e-l-a-n-d! really? just like the city? yes! why? were you born there? i was conceived during the seventh-inning-stretch of an indians game. ask me anything about you. blood type: o-positive. bra size: 36b and d. favorite food: cool ranch. cleveland, the reason you love me isn't because i know every little thing about you. the reason you love me is because i'm... donna. what? let's be honest. you pursued me for 25 years. and all through those years, you kept your eyes on the prize. i was your prize, cleveland. and you won me. well... you don't need me to know your likes and dislikes, your shoe size, or which medications might kill you. i am the sun, and you're the moon revolving around me. doesn't the moon revolve around the earth? i'll tell you what the moon doesn't do; the moon doesn't question the sun.

rallo: stupid fathead. thinks he's an astronaut or cosmonaut. shoot. donna really takes me for granted, and it's starting to piss me off. ooh! check out the hardwood floors! it says they're all original. peg and groove. gorgeous. you know what else is gorgeous? touring open houses with no intent to buy. (all high-fiving) but with... intent to dream. mm-hmm. damn straight, my friend. yeah. no, you said it. i mean, there i was, needing medical attention, and she didn't know my blood type... b-negative. what i'm allergic to... penicillin and water chestnuts. duh. or which medications i take. zyrtec, prevacid, lamisil, lunesta, xanax, celebrex, flomax and hgh. and as of thursday, lipitor. trying to get my cholesterol down to the 300s. (gasps) recessed shower bench. that's where i'd live. that... is where i'd live. huh. hey, cleveland,

there's a photo of you over here. in other words, there's a photo of some black guy. possibly a dark-skinned latino. no, this one's definitely you. hot damn! you're right. hey, there's more. cleveland: oh. oh, my goodness. i cannot take a bad picture. you've got a stalker. i've never seen this from the other side. oh... my... god! i've got a stalker! (gasping): somebody's obsessed with me! take that, donna! do you gentlemen have any questions? yes. what's the current owner's name, so i can rub it in my wife's face? oh, i'm sorry, i'm not allowed to disclose that information unless you're buying the house. i see. we'll take it. real estate agent: congratulations, gentlemen, on your new home. now if you'll just sign these closing papers... aha! patricia donner. the seller's name is patricia donner!

we will not be buying the house after all, thank you. what?! why? we broke up. you know, we probably could've just googled the address. google? what, are we making up words now? why don't we just fleeble-flobble down to the jim-jam, tim? bad bear. cleveland! i have news. apparently, i'm someone's prize, too. a real, live woman by the name of patricia donner. (laughs) what? patricia donner? you mean "fatty patty" from back in high school? i knew that name sounded familiar. la chica... students (in unison): la chica... ...es gorda. ...es gorda. tiene... tiene... los "back boobs."

students: los "back boobs." what's she saying? (sighs) i'm completely lost. well, i think it's great that you're a prize to fatty patty, since everybody knows fat girls are oh, so choosy. (laughs) what's so funny? is nurse jackie on? i don't have to sit here and take this. i'm going to go hang out at patty's, where i'm appreciated. i bet you he's gonna cry. yep. he cryin'. (doorbell rings) oh, i'm sorry. is your obese mother home? cleveland? it's me, patty. the hell it is! cleveland (grunts): oh. (thud) fell off the porch. ♪ ♪ [ laughter ♪

[ male announcer ] they'll see you before you see them. cops are cracking down on drinking and driving. drive sober, or get pulled over. [siri - here are directions to charlie grant's house.]g. is it cold in sante fe? raleigh? cleveland tonight? [siri- really cold. down to about 14 degrees.] find that e-mail with the naughty or nice list. [siri- new message from mrs. claus: go easy on the cookies.] [laughs] how does the rest of my day look? [siri - you have 3.7 billion appointments.]

it attends wrap parties... with the crew. there's nothing like the taste of the big mac snack wrap. but hurry. it has places to be. ♪ p@çb9 9úy@! hurry. it has places to be. orward, but i had to give that recessed shower bench a test drive. and let me say, "wow." normally i get all winded during my showers, but not today!

(laughs) so... you saw the photos i have of you. i swear i'm not a stalker. oh, sure. that's what my last stalker said. then she killed herself on our doorstep. (laughs) i'm just kidding. she's on the today shownow. stay away from me, hoda. (laughs) hey, killer tat. you got ink. yeah, i've been thinking about getting inked up with some tats; ink tats, the coolest kind. it's a hot-a balloon. they're kind of my thing, ever since i was a kid. i guess because i was overweight, i liked the idea of being, well, lighter than air, you know? hmph. god, i sound like such a dork. because you like balloons? ha! then i guess the movie up is a dork. not! it was a very successful motion picture. oh, cleveland, seeing you takes me back to tenth grade. high school must have been tough for a girl of your... circumference. you were the only one who was nice to me back then.

when those kids stole my bike, you gave me a dime, so i could call for a ride home. ha! remember pay phones? those were the days. i mean, where would superman change now? inside a little tiny cellular phone? (laugh no way, he'd have to be way too small. wouldn't work. (laughs) oh, and god, i was so... into you. i never missed a broadcast of that controversial pirate radio station you ran out of your basement. no one gets us, you know? everything's so stupid these days, with... with our stupid teachers and their stupid rules, cleveland (over radio): and, uh, our stupid parents who just don't understand. and our stupid government telling me what i can and can't do with my body. sometimes, i think we should just blow them all away. but first, let's take a ride on "electric avenue"! (through speaker): ♪ oh, no ♪ we're gonna rock ♪ ♪ down to electric avenue ♪ ♪ and then we'll take it higher...

so, where have you been? last i'd heard, you'd left the foreign service and moved to rhode island to work in a deli. i owned a deli. smell. (sniffs) mmm. you still smell like bologna. (laughs) (laughs) ham-ham-ham-ham-ham-ham-ham-ham. and then you move back, just when i'm moving away. why are you moving? i want a family. and my biological clock is ticking like a bomb. i call my uterus the hurt locker. ha! (sighs) donna's lucky she snapped up the one great guy in stoolbend. i hope she appreciates what she's got. yeah, right. she appreciates me about as much as people appreciate pay phones these days. i mean, who still uses a pay... okay, cleveland. well, then, how about some "i appreciate you" cranberry scones, with a little "i don't take you for granted" strawberry jam? i've never heard of these brands. tv announcer: we now return to middle-aged slobs yelling at each other about building a motorcycle.

what the hell are you doing with this chopper?! i'm waiting on a tire! when's it coming in?! i don't know! do i look like i work at the tire store?! hey, knock it off! you knock it off! damn it! zachary quinto needs this bike! aw man. now, i'll never see them almost not finish the bike on time but then finish the bike on time! well, donna, i spent the day with my admirer; you know, the one we called "fatty patty"? and i don't want you to feel threatened or anything, but... "threatened." please. i think it's great you've got somebody worshipping you for once. you've never had that, have you, cleveland? well, there's junior. but he also worships airport security workers. go right on through, sir. i don't notice anything, because i don't take my job seriously. hey, why don't you invite fatty patty over for dinner? she's probably lonely. and i know she likes dinner. ♪ all right, you know what? i will invite her to dinner. of course you will.

you do whatever i tell you. you didn't tell me to pop and lock out of here. ♪ i just dropped everything in the deep fryer a second time to be sure it's to fatty patty's liking. oh, for her, you do it? cleveland, why are you setting up the video camera on a tripod, pointed right at my face? oh, no reason. (doorbell rings) i'll get it! (camera beeps on) hi, patty. look, donna, it's patty. (gasps) (snickers) (cleveland humming happily) (stops humming) you must have a lot of good pictures of you holding up giant pairs of pants.

donna, doesn't patty look good? i've got to say, i am impressed. well, thanks. i'd be happy to share my secrets whenever you decide you're ready. for one thing, you might want to stop frying everything twice. it's bad for you. hey, speaking of getting in shape, do you remember when you won the president's physical fitness award? remember? it was only one of the biggest events of my life. i'm sure you remember, donna. oh, yeah, it was 1980... ff... 83. i'd never seen anyone do calf-raises like cleveland. aw, don't make me do my calf-raises. oh, all right. huh? huh, huh, huh, huh? (laughing) lower your calves and sit down, fool. wait, cleveland, do you still whistle competitively? oh, i'm a little rusty, but... (whistling fast-paced classical music perfectly)

when did you learn to...? hey, patty, just out of curiosity, how do you spell my name? i think i can spell the name of the city where you were conceived during the seventh inning stretch of an indians game. c-l-e-v-e-l-a-n-d. who doesn't know that? d-a-w-n-a. (cleveland and patty laughing) "whenever you decide you're ready." 'bout ready to punch you in your skinny head. donna? oh, great. you're wearing your smug suspenders. yes, and let me say, dinner was delicious. watching you and patty, i mean. you are not to see th. (gasps) why, donna, you're not jealous, are you? for how can the sun be jealous of the moon? how can beyoncé be jealous of one of destiny's other two children? (snaps) ah! my back boobs!

(whistling "the star spangled banner") (whistles high note) (cheers and applause) i was whistling the anthem for weeks after that. donna doesn't allow whistling in the house. and she doesn't want me seeing you anymore, either. she's worried something might happen between us. isn't that crazy? i'd never cheat on her. suddenly i'm a "seductress"? (laughs) here, let me get you another drink. okay, but try not to pour it seductively. (both laughing) oh... although it's not that crazy that you and i would be together. and to be honest, i have thought about us being more than friends. oh. you have? actually, kind of a lot. i have to confess, i kind of have this fantasy about soaring through the clouds

on a hot-air balloon. all of a sudden, i'm-i'm feeling dizzy. making beautiful love on each other. hold on. did you put something in my... oh, good. it was just a dream. i'm not really accepting an american music award in my underwear. i'm just tied naked to a stranger's bed?! okay, what happened? what happened? a note! "dear cleveland." huh. still has fat-girl handwriting. "i am so sorry about all of this, but i hope, in time, you will forgive me." well, that depends. forgive her for what? "again, my biological clock is ticking, "and the only person i would ever want to have a child with is you." aw, that's flattering. "so, i drugged you, undressed you, prepared a specimen cup, put on a rubber glove, and..." damn, end of the page. and what?

no! she jacked me! by which i mean, "stole something from"! she stole my essence! and here is the spacious master suite. hi. which is perfect for deviant sex acts. both: we'll take it! (screams) vo: hurry! old navy funnovations inc. is just look at all that sweater! there are sweater purses, sweater boots, sweater hats, sweater scarves and sweater hot dogs... sweater what?! who's behind all this? meet grandmabot! grandmabot: hello there dearie. give grandmabot some sugar. vo: she's our patented yarn loving senior knitizen, and she's got a gift for everyone. all sweaters are $15 and under, but not for long... old navy. come fun, come all!

donna: you what?! let's not blame the victim here. she made glove to me. and i wasn't even awake to enjoy it. so you had drinks with a woman i told you never to see again, and then she turned out to be crazy, and ended up drugging you, stripping you, tying you up, and stealing your jazzmatazz? that's one way to look at it. the other way is, "hooray, i'm gonna have a baby!" we're having a baby? oh man, i'm gonna be the best big brother ever. i'm gonna teach him everything i know, and be mama's big boy helper. and... wait a minute. is he gonna play with my toys? he better not touch my lite-brite. i got a clown on there! oh, no, and what if he's cute? cuter than me? i hate him! ah, we'll be friends as adults when we reconcile at your funeral. (sighs) anyway, you need to go find that woman and stop her. you're right. donna, if you wanted to inseminate yourself, where would you go? well, i'd go to a fertility clinic. but that's just becacacause i've got a fertility clinic tattooed on my wrist. that's it! i know where she is!

meet me there after you figure it out! what this woman did to me was a crime against all men everywhere. so we're gonna find the hot-air balloon where she's planning to artificially inseminate herself, and we're gonna get back my spermatozoa. (all cheering) well, there it is. we will literally do anything this guy tells us. (brakes squeal) she must be in one of those. holt, give me your $600 binoculars. there she is. let's ! cleveland: patty! ♪ i want my babies back, babies back ♪

♪ babies back, babies back, babies back ♪ ♪ babies back, babies back ♪ ♪ i want my babies back, babies back... ♪ ♪ cleveland's potential kids ♪ ♪ i want my babies back, babies back... ♪ ♪ cleveland's potential kids ♪ ♪ barbecue sauce. you're too late, cleveland. the doctor is in. cleveland? dr. fist, you can't do this. i haven't given my consent! sorry, but it's the hippocratic oath. i'm required to provide medical treatment for anyone who gives me cash money. patty, please! you don't want that! i have the herpatitis. nice try, cleveland, but that doesn't exist. oh. okay, patty, i've wet-napped the baster. it's as sterile as it's gonna get. then go ahead, doctor. donna: inseminate? insemi-not! cleveland: donna! i dug up the old yearbook and saw that patty's "senior wish" was to have sex with you in a hot-air balloon. (laughs) in a way, we're-we're all still who we were in high school. listen up, patty.

you're still thinking like a fat girl. you can do better than cleveland now. hurtful. you can do better than a man who tivos nine different judge shows and watches them all. a man who thinks that turning a sock inside out makes it a whole new sock. a man who puts skim milk in his seven-sugared coffee. i do do those things! oh, donna. you do know me! all is forgiven. i didn't do anything wrong. you didn't have to. you're right, donna. i don't have to settle. i guess i was so blinded by that one nice gesre in high school that i didn't see everything else. the spare tire, the outdated mustache, and that bubble-throated horn voice! we get it! yuck. dr. fist, hold your fire. i'm not going through with it. dr. fist: aww. can i keep looking at your business till we land? no. i never get to do anything. i guess i should get out of solbend.

see what the world has to offer. i just hope i can find someone who's as devoted to me as cleveland is to you. aw, you won't. you're too crazy. well, i guess we won't be needing this. cleveland: no! ♪ dun-dun-dun! captioning sponsored by 20th century fox television ♪ it rides in limos. it has a crew. it gets invited to parties with paparazzi. it hangs out poolside. it has millions of drooling fans. it knows the recipe for success. there's nothing like it. the big mac. it doesn't do interviews. and don't miss the mac snack wrap while it's in the house. the simple joy of famous flavor. ♪ ♪ here ...this is my world. this place inspires me... ...to be tougher...

...to stay sharper... ...to think faster. they may be just streets to you... ...but to me... ...they're a playground. ♪ never stop loving you ♪ 'cause i'm alive, sign and drive the fiat 500 pop, for $199 a month. with zero down and zero due at signing, for well qualified lessees. [siri - here are directions to charlie grant's house.] is it cold in sante fe? raleigh? cleveland tonight? [siri- really cold. down to about 14 degrees.] find that e-mail with the naughty or nice list. [siri- new message from mrs. claus: go easy on the cookies.] [laughs] how does the rest of my day look? [siri - you have 3.7 billion appointments.] ing ] baby: pshhhht! [ imitating can open]ng [ n opening teen: pshhhht! [ imitating can opening ] friends: wow! [ can opening ]

cee lo: pshhhht! d express yourself. ♪ening ]♪e e ♪ do what comes naturally. cee lo: be yourself. be refreshing. be 7up.

it was this or a porsche!