[captioningade possible by et public televisio tavis: good evenin from los angeles, im tavis smiley. a conversatn with former basebl great darryl stawberry. he had four of world sees championships d he is known for his off t field troues. in a new book, etails various trouble includi a struggle with alcohol and an abusve father. the book is named "straw." that is comingp right now. >> therere so many things that wal-mart is looking rward to doi, like helping people live better. but mostly, we're helpng build

stronger communits and relionships. with your help, t best is yet come. >> natnwide insurance proudly suprts "tavis smiley." tavis a nationwide, working to improveinancial literacy and the ecomic empowerment that comes with it. >> ♪ nationwi is on your side ♪ >> an by contributions toour pbs station from viewrs like you. thanyou. tavis: darryl strawber was part fou world serie championships. despite his explts on the field, he is equally well known for his troubles of thfield. he details his often painful

struggle in a new boo that of your body is talki about. it is called "straw: findg my way." nice to have you here. good to see you. let me starwith the obvious r me. i teased the book at the top of the shw. y talk about drugs. ou talkbout cancer twe, yourmother's cancer. you talk about domestic violence. you talk about drugs. everything is in this boo the fir question i asked myself is why. why did you choose to tell all ofhat? >> that is a good question. i had been approached mny times about it. i just thought i was a good ti in my life to go ahead and reveal who i am, nothe perception of what haseen writt about me throughout the media and heyday, fro baseball, alsohe things they

takedbout at te conference. when you look at a person's life, there arcore issues u need to dig deep in and finout about that particar person. body ever does that. all the ever do is look into. writing the book was a healing part for myself. i also had to make amends to people that i hurt. i'm talking about two wives kids, through all of my scapades and what i was doing out there in t world. i was committed to self destruction. i just wand to tell the true story. plus, i wanted th book to b about helping someo el more than anything. weave a tendency of giving up on le. did not quit. you know? i went for more than you can agine. i did not quit.

hopefully,somebody that picks this bookp will really be able to understand, thisuy wt through allf this and did t quit. there must be something worth me going on through life and keep moving forward. tavis you weretalking about the war that i want to use courageous. i think it is courages for y to tell thstory you tolin detail. courageous as one part. the other se is ether it is at all embarrsing for you to admit ll of this stuff. >> know. -- no. irobably felt about that before. tavimy qstion is a little late. ihould have asked that befor the book. >> i thought about that before. embarrassin no. grateful? yes thaful? yes. becauseof who i am and what has transpired inmy life, it is a

true gift. most of the tis, people think that an athle gift is what he does on the field. you are given a place to perform. that was just puttingn a uniform and performing. theris always a real defining moment in a person's life where there is a real purpose for your life. most of theime, and a lot of athlete-- it is not about us. it is about what we do and who we goack and help andive that ipiration to afterou have been through something. you cannot sit andell somebody something that ouhave not expeenced. the best achers are those who have experienc. i cann with a true purse and gift. my life has been meafor young people youn peop have found their way in trouble, tt are lost. here it is. i believe god has truly used me cause i was successful. he gave me a sition being a

successf baseball player and accomplished all ofhese ings, but then again, having ouble, a troubled life at e sameime. i realized that young people need someone thats -- that has exrienced trouble and is finally o of trole to help them uerstand osedecisions, the choices you make e real. ere are major consequees behind them. look at m i was a super stall -- got was a superar and i fell. vis: let me ask you this. you open up the book by saying this. this is common to your n words, the storof your having gone to hell and back it is a sty of going to hell and back. how do you kn you areot going back again? where does the confidenceome fro that you have now

experieed enou where we're not going to look up in couple of years and see darryl strawberry back in hell again? >> well, you know, people always say that and thinkhat. i fally made my commitmnt in my relationsh with god. i took off my running shoes. weun for real when we liv according to t world's stdards. i understand that. remeer through the process of really getting my relationship back with god, those six months i took by myself and staying at my sister's hoe, her apartment. i had nothi. iasked god to strip me, a i remember standing in her little apartment, here is in a time all-ar, make a milln dollars, live inig home here i am in my sister'spartment, in her bedroom afte night --

every night, crying out to god and king god to forgive me, not the world, becse i already knowwhat the world has offered me. it to six months. no women, no sex, no ugs, no alcohol church three tis out of the week. read my bible every nig. i made the honest commment at i knew i was called for, you know? there is a great purpose in all of our lives. ware all called for great ings. i always believed god haa great column imy life, but i was too afraid to answer it. i felt i could not commit myself because i was rt of what the world standardwere. that is what i was living in. i never worry about that. never think abouthat. i think about where i am today and i think about each day and i say ank you. i try to continue to go forward and do the things that are important to me. a lot of times,e think --

especially men. our egos run ld about how great unsophiicated we are, what we loo like. itis all in security stuff. i realized that. i realiz what was really important more than anything. that is why i think hat is whate have to do asman. think that beuse we make millions of dollars, live on top of the hill and nobody can stop . tavis:you have used the word a uple of timenow. that ishe. "call." -- that is the wo "call." o of referenced --ou have referenced th you were running and you have finay taken off your running shoe what do you understnd you're cling to be? it w not to be a seball great? >> i thi baseball was just a avenue. i think the great calling for my life was to help othersto

truly commit my life to other peoe, especially youn people moe than anythi. when i ok at young people and the troubled minds they have a the troubed spirit they he, it is rea i believe that because of the fact that i hadit, too. i understand it. it is a differee if i did not ha it and i can sit andell you i had a calling, b i had a troubled spirit. who ai? what am i? why don't love mysf? w do love the way i look? i was aig-time star playing baseball. tavinow 're into e store. let me follow you into the book. you have this and secity. never mind thekill you have. y have been asking queions of yourself that insecury came from where? >> i believe that in security came from a dsfunctional

mily. my dad wasa raging alcoholic. he beat the crap out of me a my brother he told me and him that we would never amount to nothing, would never be nothing. i believe that. i felt thawas justhe way fe is. even wh i got into sports at a young age, i knew i coulplay sports. i was driven. at was the ing where i was dedicated. i wasotedicated to acceing myselfecause of thesscars. these are deep wounds, deep scars that yng people get when they are abused and stuff. i do nogo on in my book to use that as an excuse. take full responbility for all of my actions and everythin thai did. i just remeer -- i can remember troing around the base ater a horun and nothing. the crowd is on their feet.

i had those elings. the matter howell i did reject a put on my uiform and goo the ballpark andexcel with the best. hd no fear. when took that uniform ofand i went home, i have fear. iad feel about me. avis: it is a fasnating dichoty. what do you makef the fact that u were in metsstadium cranking home runs,running round the bses, peop are goin cry, and you are hearing in your head that you ar nothing. >> that was the true way of life for me. that why ielieve that for so long. th is what i was td. tavis: the adulation never tamped that down? >> all you do is stuff it. that is what ppens. you stop it. you get into the point of

escaping. that is what, drug of all? nightclubs? strip joints? woen? whatever might be, tt is what youhave a tendency of turni to. that does not fulfil you. it also does not make you a real man. wsit aroundand think we a a realan because we do that. i hope men understand this. that not a real man. when i finally got to the poin of unrstanding wh a real man was, youove your wife, you love your famil you love your community, you loveod, you help other that is a re man. that is when you separate yourself. i had to separate myself fm all of the fancy things. i used to wear diamond earrings and aury. thought -- and big jewelry. i thought that s it. itas a false image of who i was. the true manomes forward and

he produces rl fruits. i was not producing real fruits at at time i was producing a false ige of what the world expected. tavis: steroids was not the thing iyour heyday. that didot stop u from using drugs. >> no. drug were an escape clause. i nted to escape from who all of these people in the media did not know. that s a bigscape clause for me, to escape from all the hooabout how great i was, at i live up to my potentia you get caught in t lifestyle. you get caught in the lifestyl that you have an hlete because you a making million of dollars. when you go ot, you do not have to pay for nothing. it is a different lifeyl you're looking apeople starving.

here it is, athletes and entertainers, we get praise jt because we are atetes and entertaers. tavis: you mentiod the media a moment ago. i am ot asking this questionto set you uto use it as an excuse, and i kn you will not, but whatid the mediaelp due to drive you -- i do not want to say crazy, buto pusyour way? e media glare is so intense on young athles that people end up doing all kinds o things to run away fro that. help me undersnd what the media did. how complex it was the media? >>i think what theyo is they make you believe you are not a real rson, you know? if you a not lfilling their expections, it makes a person believe ey are not real. all i do is not enough.

whe you have to go thugh that process, y start doubting urself more than anything. i neve doubt my ility. they cld not touch me when i got on thfield. when we a talking aut everyd living, livingife, being fher and husband, i have five beauful kids. theydore me and i love them. they know evething i have xperienced and been throug because i havehared it with them. i did not want m kids to have to go throh what i had to through. mkids are so funny. they never experienced li like i di i used to tell them about it. i would say how slept in bunk beds and my daughter would sy, you sle in bunk ds? i tell them how i had one pair of tnnis shoes. what they liv a totally separate life. th have been to private schl. they have this ncy way.

i wanted to makeure that they had the best, regardless of what i xperience and was going through in my li, i wand the best for my ildren. i haveiveny children the best. all o these other things that occur in my life thugh the cour o my baseball caree aling with the media and ns, itas all good for me. some peop might say wasn't. the only way it good for yo s if you learn. i h to learn through going to jail, you know, and going through the headlines. ended up in prison. a time allsta i end up in the ison. th was god telling me,'m going to sa you om yourself. you cannot save yourlf. iave something for you to do. before this is all over, there's a greater purpe on your life. called yo. that is what the book is

it i an spirational book. it is aedemption book. is a faith book. this is about not quitting. tavis: t me ask u a question. have no reason to doubt that your fate is n real. -- faith is not real. i would never suest that anyone would sgest tt what they went through was not al. howo you respond toeople might think, he another athle or entertainer trying to redem himself or hrself, and whenever they do it, god is always the way out. i saw the light and god hasut me right. people e cynical abouthat. hat do you say to that? >> that is tir problem. i do not worry about them because inow the truth. th did not walk in my shoes. you d not live through the hl i had to ve through. you did not live thrgh the

ghtmare i had live for. for them to understand it, why don't you try gotfor yourself? why don't y try him for yourself and find outis goodness and find o what he mens to you? they do not understand. they're lookin f the lightning bolt to come down or whatever. itis a personal commitment. you have to get aersonal commitment with him he alrdy knew me, you know? that was the wholthingn my life. it is not abou what they know or what people think if we live by peop's opinions, we will never be able toeach the prise that is omised t us. each one of us has a gift inside a bus that is prosed to us, but we have to tackle through the real ft. i am not talking abouteing a profeional athlet i lking about the rea gift. my commitment is to e lord. di care what others think? no.

i are what god thinks. i used to care what other people thought about it. tavis: it is kind of hard not to. you were a baseball pyer. youere on the bgest stagen the world i baseball. it is hard t to care what people think about y. you can take it too far. i'tryingo give you se of. it is har not to in new york cit a mman. at that time, irobably cared tomuch. i cared too much what people were thinking. that is where the self destructive behaor was always dangerous. tavis: do you tnk that you had -- do you think you lived up to your potential if you do not think you lived up to yourpotential, as some fans do not, how close? can you tell me where you think

you were or could haveeen? >> i could haveeasily been the greatest of all time, playin the game of baseba. basall was simple to me. i did n have life skil. life skills is a major difference in howell you do. you look at some ofhe great plars that come alongthey usual have li skills to play. spts is jusputting on th unorm and being cered or being booed. how you deal with it? whamakes you happy? do you go through the cers for he blues? do they brinfrustration? tavis: i am folwing you in thisonversation. yo're talking out thingshat tick ou off and turn you want. when you ok back on your caeer, the some of the say what you did not do. what part of your game has the

media still notiven you enough edit for? >> i think myffort more than anything. they said i looked like i was t hustling. he does not go l out. tavis:at do you make of tha criticism? >> i wasedicated. there was tremendous dication to that. every time iut o a uniform, was serious aboutinning. i had an attituden my shoulder -- an attite and a chipn my shoulder about th. they said i was not giving it my all. what is that? if you do n know what it is like to do it, how can you say it? you see he does not make play. you see that he strikes out. this play happened. that is part of sports. nobody igoing to be perfect. you willot be mr. perfect where you me every play and you hit every pitch that comes to u. a lot of times, the were very critical of mebout that.

i was yng and stupid. i got angr i spok my mind. tavis: who do you se on the field now that most reminds you of darryl strawrry at his best? >> i doot really see any players that mind me of . i do admire a player tt plays in new york and that is dek jer. he probably ver had my tant and my abilty to play the game, but you kno what? he has de the right thg with his caree he has done it the right w. he has played the right wa he has had characr. he has never n his moth aout people. he rescts life. he respects the game of life. he respec the people that he has played with. he has never h thisegotistic mind about how greate is. tas: and they loveim in new york. >> and th should le him in

new york. we talk about the other great players that have cehrough ande a different talent. he is a winr. you know? peple love winners. tavis: do you ev look at him and think, that uld of been me,lus i am more talented? >> no. i realized that my time s my time. it was diffent. i never had anyonectually try to ve me some insight. i member when derek was coming up nd i give him and id. i ld him he would be great in new york. he kind of looked me. i said, trust m they will love you. i said, do me one fvor. do t make the miskes i made. make the right decisions and choices. oose the right people to be arnd. another thg you hve going on, u are good looking. [laughter] >> a-rod might think he is better looking. i do not want to start nothing

in new york city betwn them. darr strawberry's new boois called "straw:inding my way." it is a couraous telling of he story about a guy whos career all loved and llowed. i think you will be poweredy what he shares i the new book. nicto ve you wt. congratulations. good to see you. my pleasure t haveyou here. that is t show for tonight. pbs.org f our show. than you for wating. as always, keep the faith. >> for more infmation on tay's show, visit tavis is next time we will see yothen. >> there areo many things that wal-mart is looking rward t doing, like helpg people live beer.

but stly, we're helping build stronger communities and relationships. because with your he, the best iset to come. >> nationwe insurance proudl supports "tavismiley." vis and nationwide, working to improve finanal literacy and e economic empowerment that comes with it. >>♪ nationwide is on your side ♪ >> and by contributions to your pbs station from viewe ke you. thank you. caption by the nationalaptioning institute --www.ncicap.org--