over 3,500 hospitals nationwide in a survey conducted for the centers for medicare and medicaid. only seven percent received five stars. including four of ours. learn more at cancercenter.com ♪ >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center in the heart of new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." tonight, join jimmy and his guests -- rachel maddow, artie lange, musical guests, the doobie brothers with

michael mcdonald, and featuring the legendary roots crew. >> questlove: 317, indianapolis! >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: please, please, please. enjoy yourselves. enjoy yourself, please. welcome, welcome. hot crowd. the hottest crowd in all the world. [ cheers and applause ] i love you. makes you feel so good, everybody. thank you so much. welcome to the "tonight show," everybody. this is it. [ cheers and applause ]

welcome to "the tonight show show." here's what people are talking about, everybody. according to a new report, donald trump's recent immigration plan would cost at least $166 billion. [ audience oohs ] when asked how he would pay for it, trump was like, "no hablo english." [ laughter and applause ] that's a good way to -- actually, trump gave a big interview to the "hollywood reporter." when asked what actor he would want to play him in a movie, he said, "somebody really, really handsome." [ laughter ] then he said, "okay. i'll do it. [ laughter ] i talked me into it. i talked me into it." and listen to this, trump said he thinks hillary clinton should face up to 20 years in prison over her e-mail scandal. when they heard that, even the ladies on "orange is the new black" were like, "oh god, please no." [ laughter and applause ] oh my, no. we can't. move us. move us out. no, can't mess with that. i don't want to mess with that."

[ applause ] speaking of hillary, i read that 60 of hillary clinton's personal e-mails being inspected by the justice department have been flagged as containing classified information. where as all of my mom's e-mails have been flagged for having no information. [ laughter ] "what time's dinner? love honey good?" [ laughter ] we talked about this a while back, but there is actually a a candidate who is registered to run for president under the name, deez nuts. [ laughter ] well, i'm sorry to say that deez nuts turned out to be a a 15-year-old boy who signed up as a prank. [ laughter ] but that didn't stop the media from covering it. >> a survey by public policy polling also shows a candidate by the name of deez nuts polls at 9%. >> the poll shows independent

deez nuts taking 9% of the vote. [ laughter and applause ] >> independent candidate, deez nuts. >> first name deez, last name nuts. >> sorry, no picture for mr. nuts. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: i think it's probably best we don't have a picture for mr. nuts. >> steve: oh. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. i guess we don't have a picture for mr. nuts right now. some celebrity news, here. i heard that nicki minaj suffered a wardrobe malfunction during a concert in vancouver. yeah. apparently through was some freak accident her top came on. [ laughter and applause ] and you go, "well." couldn't see anything. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: now some of you might know calvin harris and former one direction member, zayn malik got into a twitter feud this week. yeah. [ light laughter ] actually that's not the only celebrity feud going on right now. in fact, celebrities get into fights all the time. let's take a look at a few. it's time for "what's the beef?"

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. first up we have donald trump -- [ laughter ] versus bernie sanders. they are in a feud over who leaves a birthday party with more balloons clinging to their heads. [ laughter and applause ] here's another one, here. jim parsons and peewee herman. [ laughter ] they're in a feud over whether jim parsons is a sexy peewee or peewee is a silly jim parsons. [ laughter ] i mean, they both look good. i just don't know which. [ applause ] lebron james and shia lebeouf are in a feud over whose name sounds more like someone pretending to speak french. [ laughter ] [ french accent ] shia lebeouf? lebron. oh, this is a 1993 lebron. [ laughter ] and finally, ben carson and eriq la salle are feuding over

who played dr. peter benyon on the show "e.r." [ cheers and applause ] i don't know. one of them did. hey, do you guys like starbucks? i like starbucks. yeah. [ cheers ] they just announced that its pumpkin spice latte will now include real pumpkin. [ cheers and applause ] and you'll know the drink has real pumpkin when it tastes disgusting. [ laughter ] why would you do that? why? it's just fine the way it is. >> steve: squash coffee. >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] a little local news here. according to a new report, the cadillac escalade ext is the most popular car driven in new york. yeah. partly because they're stylish, but mostly because new yorkers like to have a place to stretch out when they leave their apartment. [ cheers and applause ] i can't do this at home. ah. >> steve: i can't break the door.

>> jimmy: i had that. in my first apartment i had a a place, a spot in my studio apartment where i could do that. [ laughter ] oh, so good. the rest is just like, i actually just sit in bed and cook on the stove. [ laughter ] this is a weird story, here, but apparently a parrot in india was actually arrested. [ laughter ] a parrot in india was arrested for screaming obscenities at a a woman. [ laughter ] arrest of the parrot. so i guess that means the parrot could end up going to prison, or as that's also known, being a parrot. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] and finally i heard about a new kind of underwear that can supposedly protect you from radiation caused by your laptop and phone. so overall it's been a pretty great week for deez nuts. [ cheers and applause ] we have a great show, give it up for the roots! ♪

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey! looking good! how you doing, higgins? >> steve: how you doing? >> jimmy: good to see you, buddy. >> steve: how's your finger? >> jimmy: what's that? >> steve: how's your finger doing? >> jimmy: finger, doing good, but now i have like a peach colored stretchy bandage on it. >> steve: yeah. flesh colored bandage. >> jimmy: this is me, this is me, for real, making it fit. that's it. it's pretty messed up. but the rest is all -- there's a pin in there. so i'm getting the pin out next week. that should be fun. >> steve: that will be great. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: and then -- >> steve: always good. always good. >> jimmy: and then we will see how we go from there. it's all physical therapy. and i want to thank all the physical therapists helping me. i have a team of 58 people. >> steve: 58? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: guys, it's been a a great week so far. there's more ahead. tomorrow night -- this guy is my favorite actor of all time. jason schwartzman will be here. >> steve: come on. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he's great in every

single thing. everything he's in is fantastic. plus, another good actor from "orphan black," tatiana maslany will be dropping by. >> steve: oh. [ cheers and applause ] she's fantastic. she has like 200 characters in her new show. and we got the best magician, i love this guy. he is unbelievable. dan white will be back performing a little magic for us. >> steve: illusion. [ cheers and applause ] two pens. two pens. no pens. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: oh my god, a a fantastic show tonight. she is a best-selling author. we love her. the host of "the rachel maddow show" on msnbc. she's also an accomplished mixologist. makes some good cocktails. rachel maddow is with us. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: she's so nice, so fun. i miss her. i always get -- we're going to talk trump. we're going to talk politics. she's going to make us a a cocktail and it's all gonna

be fun for everybody. plus, he's a good friend of the show. oh my gosh, he cannot have a a cocktail. [ laughter ] >> steve: no. >> jimmy: we'll make sure all the cocktails are off the stage before he comes on. artie lange is here, ladies and gentlemen. >> steve: come on. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he's always great. >> steve: funny dude. >> jimmy: and then, talk about great music, oh my goodness. turn your stereo up. crank your tv sets, get your 5.3 thx sound. whaa. you want to hear. we have the best sound in all of late night because of all the microphones and technology we have. and this is good proof of it. i mean, they cranked it in rehearsal today. it is so fun to see these guys. i'm talking about the doobie brothers! >> steve: yes! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: with michael mcdonald! >> steve: come on! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's right. that's right. they're going to do a medley. >> steve: oh. >> jimmy: yeah. two of their biggest hits in one.

it's just killer. it's just unbelievable. already i'm giving it a a standing ovation. [ light laughter ] yeah, i have never done that before. >> steve: you've never ever in the history of the show done that? >> jimmy: no. already i'm giving it a a pre-standing ovation. [ cheers and applause ] it's fantastic. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: the doobie brothers. >> steve: come on! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's right. the doobie brothers featuring michael mcdonald. you guys, it's time for "tonight show hashtags." here we go. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ hashtags hashtags ♪ >> jimmy: you guys are on twitter right? [ cheers ] oh, fantastic. well, it's fun. we use twitter on our show every single week, so if you watch our show and you want to play along, we do this thing every wednesday where i send out a hashtag and we ask you guys to tweet out things based on that topic. so since it's summer, a lot of

people are taking road trips. i went on twitter and started a a hashtag called #worstroadtripever. i asked you guys to tweet out a a funny or weird story about a a road trip that you've taken. we got thousands of tweets. within 20 minutes, it was a a trending topic in the u.s. [ cheers and applause ] so thank you for those tweets. now, i thought i'd share some of my favorite #worstroadtripever tweets from you guys. here we go. this first one's from @johnnycantrock. he says, "got lost on the way to disneyland because instead of following the road signs, my dad just followed a bus with a a disneyland ad on it." [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: come on, dad. >> jimmy: kids, pose by the bus. let me get a picture with you. we're at a bus depot. sorry. >> steve: there we go. let's go home. >> jimmy: i guess mickey's sick, you guys, so -- this one's from @beccanoh. she says, "we were stuck in traffic for so long that only one side of my face got sun burned. i looked like a batman villain." [ laughter and applause ] this one's from @jlaufe. she says, "my dad got so fed up

with our fighting that he pulled over and laid down in the middle of an empty highway." [ laughter and applause ] you finally broke him. you broke him. he's a broken man. i don't care any more. >> steve: take me lord. >> jimmy: you broke dad. this one from @masonclashes. he says, "my older brother wired my friend's car brakes to the horn so that when ever he brakes, the horn honks." [ laughter and applause ] oh, this is a good one. this one's @klaracee91. she says, "we got detained at the canadian border because my brother answered not really when asked if he had weapons in the car." [ laughter and applause ] what? what? not really. what do you mean? this one's from @andrewward. he says, "dad drove through a a paper mill town, cranked down the windows and yelled, 'breathe it in boys, that's what money smells like.'" [ laughter and applause ]

>> steve: is he a paper magnate? >> jimmy: i don't know. this one's from @amytucker26. she says, "my parents let my brother buy a harmonica at cracker barrel on the very first leg of a week long trip." [ audience groans ] i could just imagine how annoying that would be. [ squeaking ] >> jimmy: this one's from @belleofbabble. she says, "my friend's crappy car no working blinkers, so i had to hang out the window with a toy lightsaber to indicate our turns." [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: someone's landing a a plane in front of her. >> jimmy: this last one's from @evanaye. he says, "our stuff fell off the roof so people honked. my dad didn't know why they were honking so he flipped off every car that honked." [ laughter ] there you go. those are our "tonight show hashtags." to check out more of our favorites, go to tonightshow.com/hashtags. we will be right back with

rachel maddow, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ it's a golden opportunity to elevate each moment. ♪ hit every mark. ♪ thread every needle. ♪ turn every ride into a thrill ride. ♪ come in to the lexus golden opportunity sales event, where you'll find some of the best offers of the year on our most exhilarating models. lease the 2015 rc 350 for $449 a month for 36 months and we'll make your first month's payment. see your lexus dealer. ♪ discover new magnum double peanut butter. made with a perfect balance of peanut butter ice cream, peanut buttery sauce, and belgian chocolate. discover magnum chocolate pleasure.

did you ever decide on a the lg. washing machine? the whirlpool. the whirlpool. with the accelawash. the kenmore had the accelawash. not the whirlpool. anyway it's red. no, the red was too big, that's why the whirlpool! your mouth is too big! been there. no you haven't. not with you. ♪ don't go it alone. sears appliance experts will help you find the top brands. including kenmore. sears. house experts for homeowners.

a good host, is a good host ♪ no matter where he's hosting. ♪ stella artois host beautifully

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest this evening is a "new york times" best selling author and also host of "the rachel maddow show" weeknights at 9:00 p.m. on msnbc, please welcome back to the show one of the smartest and coolest people we know, here's rachel maddow, ladies and gentlemen. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi! hi, pal. >> you're so good at this job. i love this job and you in it. >> jimmy: oh, you're so -- >> it makes me so -- i was playing with the doobie brothers' guitars. >> jimmy: no you were not. >> i was. i touched them. >> jimmy: you did? >> i did, yes. >> jimmy: that's how nice the

doobie brothers are, man. how cool is that? >> i know. i mean, this just, i mean, that happens backstage at your job when you're not even looking. it's so cool. >> jimmy: everyone is having fun here, yeah. you just got back from vacation, yeah? >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: now i picture you on vacation -- here's what i picture, you writing another book. doing that. or you doing another -- now what do you do on vacation? i feel like you just -- do you just study things? i don't know. i mean, what do you do for fun? >> i have an intern on my show who said to me as i was leaving on vacation, i don't know what you do on vacation, but i was talking about it with my friends and we decided that you probably invent a new catalog system for all your books at home. and every vacation there's -- i don't know why i give off this vibe. no, i just drink beer and go fishing. >> jimmy: oh, man, is that right? [ cheers and applause ] >> that's it! i stop working and then see what happens and what always happens is i drink beer and go fishing -- >> jimmy: yeah. >> and, like, listen to music about people drinking beer and going fishing. >> jimmy: oh that's a great -- do you have a new -- what's -- do you have a good song that you listen to right now about drinking beer and going fishing?

>> anything on country music radio right now -- [ cheers ] is about drinking beer and or going fishing and i'm just all over it, yeah. >> jimmy: do you ever hear the song -- what's the one we're all into now? i know -- >> "day drinking," that one? >> jimmy: that's a good one. "day drinking," but a "guy walks into a bar?" you ever hear this song? the killer -- it's we ask the guy to come on the show and he said, no, because it's -- the song's already a hit and he goes, no, that's my old song. i go, but it's a great song and he's like, eh, nah. so i go, all right. >> i don't need it. >> jimmy: but we might end up just doing it. just me and the roots. we might just end up doin' the song, 'cause it's a good time. [ cheers and applause ] we'll just do it ourselves. >> yeah. >> jimmy: it's a great song. you're gonna freak out. >> "a guy walks into a bar?" >> jimmy: "a guy walks into a a bar." it's just a great -- you're gonna freak out. we'll have a drink and we'll talk about it. it's a great song. >> we used to run into each other at bars. >> jimmy: yes. >> and then i got old and i stopped going to bars. >> jimmy: me too! >> i know. i hate it. >> jimmy: i'm winking. i don't do it either. but 'cause we like the art of it. the mixology. >> exactly. >> jimmy: the fun of it. >> i am an alcohol enthusiast and that's different from the

other word that starts with alcohol. >> jimmy: it is, it really is. which is the way things work in the recipes and what goes with what and bitters. and you taught me some stuff and so we're gonna talk about it later on. but do you -- when you're on -- do watch what's going on? do you see the trump stuff and do you have a cocktail and go wow, i wish i was on tv right now. >> i just -- yes. honestly, weirdly, like, the trump stuff, i don't even know how to explain it. if your job is talking about what's going on in the country and talking about what's going on in politics, like, doing an hour of tv everyday. >> jimmy: i feel this too. >> i feel like my job every day is like, i go -- i paint houses, like, with a nail polish brush. like, that's my job every day, to fill in a little tiny piece of it and then one day i came to work and god was like actually today, you get a power sprayer. do a few houses today. [ laughter ] >> that's what it means to have donald trump in politics. god bless you, you made it so easy. >> jimmy: oh, he's the best part of our monologue every night for the past two months. yeah, yeah. >> it's awesome. yeah, it's really it's a a blessing. it's a blessing for us. i don't know about the country, but if your job is -- [ laughter ] to talk about politics. [ bleep ] >> jimmy: he's really goin' for it. i mean, the wheels are just --

he just does whatever he kind of feels like and then he doesn't apologize he goes, i just said that. which is kind of refreshing in a way because i go, oh, that's interesting. he just says whatever he wants. >> yeah, and he says stuff that has never been said before, which is why everybody puts a a camera on him every time he starts talking. doesn't mean that the things he's saying should have ever been said. >> jimmy: no, no, no! exactly, no! it's just interesting. and it brings up and makes people talk about stuff. and do you think he wants to be president for real? is he really running? >> i can't imagine, you know, i can't imagine that he actually wants to be president. look what happens to people who become president. like barack obama is 40 years older than when he got sworn in. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he really did age. oh my gosh. >> george w. bush went from like a charismatic frat boy to like a retired university president who has like fallen on hard times. i mean, it really rolls these guys over. mean while, donald trump is supposedly running this giant business empire, but he's taking a few months off to run for president in his spare time. while doing nothing on his business and everything seems to be fine. i don't think he usually has to

work very hard. so i can't imagine that being president seems like fun. maybe he would be elected and then he'd like outsource it to somebody. [ laughter ] like, china will do it for three dollars it turns out. so, i'm gonna -- >> jimmy: that's a good deal. yeah, exactly. [ cheers and applause ] and so, but if he runs for -- if he runs independently, if he runs for third party, then it's almost like shoe in that -- a democrat like hillary clinton or whoever's the leader in the democratic party will win? >> when bill clinton ran against poppy bush, remember ross perot was in the race. >> jimmy: poppy bush. >> he doesn't mind if i call him poppy. i named my dog after him. i have a dog named poppy. >> jimmy: i'm sure you do. that's great. >> he's more named after david ortiz, but we don't talk about him. [ light laughter ] but bill clinton ran against poppy bush, made w's dad a one time president and ross perot was in that race. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and everybody, like, sort of though maybe that ross perot was the reason bill clinton won. it's interesting, in that race

he really took equally from the democrats and the republicans, because ross perot ran this campaign that was neither right wing nor left wing. donald trump is running a a totally right wing campaign so and so if he ran as an independent he would take a lot of votes away from the republican candidate and i think it would guarantee that the democrat would win it. guarantee it. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: and if he went republican and won for the republicans then they would owe him -- >> well, if he -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: thank god, dude, you did it. you won. >> if he decided not -- if he -- he's sort of threatening to run as an independent, right? if he decides not to -- >> jimmy: but didn't you like that? when you saw the debate and he's like, that was kind of a a tricky question. and you're like, anyone here raise their hand if they would even think of running on a a different party and he was like, yeah. >> this guy! >> jimmy: but i was like, well, that was kind of gutsy. that's why people like this. like, you don't know what he's gonna do, but you appreciate his honesty. >> it's actually genius. i don't think he's a dumb guy. i don't think that he's playing a dumb game here. what he's doing with that is genius. if he was going to say at that debate, no, no, no.

i'll never run as an independent, i'll only run as a a republican, he loses all his leverage. then he's just one of the other republicans. but if he says no, you guys be nice to me or i'm gonna jump in as an independent thereby guaranteeing hillary clinton will be next president. what does that mean? that means if he doesn't do that, the republicans owe him forever. and if he does do that, hillary clinton becomes president and she owes him forever. nice. [ light laughter ] so right now he will never have more power than he has right now. 'cause either way this goes, whether he runs as an independent or he doesn't, half of the country's political infrastructure is going to owe him for the rest of their lives. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh my gosh, which is fantastic -- >> the art of the deal! >> jimmy: the art of the deal! [ applause ] >> the art of the deal. it's perfect. >> jimmy: you guys, when we come back, rachel maddow is going to make a tasty cocktail for us. [ cheers and applause ] >> oh, yes. >> jimmy: it's gonna be great. ♪ ♪ to the dodge ball bruisers,

to the team rally cruisers, to the touchdown dancers, and the long distance chancers, ♪ yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah be yourself. kohl's who says families have to share data now get four lines. each with up to 10 gigs of 4g lte data. just $30 bucks a line it's 10 gigs for all only from t-mobile america! there's a new flavor from snapple. it's straight up tea. it's all natural with that brewed tea taste that will keep ya coming back for more...oh yeah! new yorkers love it and you're gonna love it too! all-natural snapple straight up tea. made from the best stuff on earth.

♪ this is the ford f-150. and this changes everything. and so does this. drive any new 2015 ford f-150, with 0% financing for 72 months. see your local ford dealer today.

davy crockett? thank you. katie, do you think i needed a fancy protein shake to wrestle all those bears? no? all i ever had to eat was meat, cheese and nuts. okay? try that. p3 from oscar mayer. it's 13 grams of protein from the original source. gotta get that bacon! yummy, crunchy, bacon bacon bacon there in that bag! who wants a beggin' strip? me! i'd get it myself, but i don't have thumbs! mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm it's beggin'! mmm, i love you. (announcer) beggin' strips...there's no time like beggin' time.

♪ me and you, ♪ and you and me. ♪ no matter how they tossed the dice. ♪ ♪ it had to be. ♪ the only one for me is you. ♪ and you for me. ♪ so happy together! now there's a rewards program that lets you earn points at one place and use them at another. introducing plenti. ♪ ♪ discover lots of ways to earn points fast and join for free at plenti.com. ♪ ♪

oh my gosh, it's the guy from last night. what?! can i jump on your wi-fi? yeah, you can try it. hey! i had a really good time last night. yeah, me too. the only thing is that... the only thing is what? what's the only thing? oh my gosh he's married. he's a kleptomaniac. he's a pyromaniac. he's a total maniac. hey! hey! go back to your wife you sociopath!

leave slow internet behind. the 100% fiber optics network is here. get out of the past. get fios. tea? now $79.99 a month. go online or call now. call the verizon center for customers with disabilities at 800.974.6006 tty/v ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back to the "tonight show" everybody. we are here with rachel maddow. she hosts "the rachel maddow show" weeknights at 9:00 p.m. on msnbc. now, we're making a drink called "the millionaire." >> "the millionaire!" >> jimmy: yes. okay. "the millionaire." >> "millionaire!" >> jimmy: "millionaire!" here we go. >> this is in honor and in thanks for donald trump being involved in american presidential politics. [ light laughter ] and making our job that much easier. it's a classic drink. >> jimmy: okay. >> it's called "the millionaire." i have to tell you it is a a terrible drink. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: okay. >> it's not tasty. >> jimmy: it's not a tasty beverage? >> it's not a very tasty beverage as classic cocktails go. >> jimmy: see, but this always freaks me out see, look at

this. because i want the lime to go this way. right? >> to go up. but then it squirts you right in the face. >> jimmy: oh. but the real deal is you do it that way. >> yeah. because it has holes on the bottom that you want the juice to come out. >> jimmy: i know, but science. i don't understand. [ light laughter ] >> do you want to just squeeze it on your hand? >> jimmy: no, no. i like that thing. it's really cool. >> science. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> science! >> jimmy: science! all right. >> okay. so this is the bitter part. >> jimmy: yeah. and what is -- a tiny little measuring cup thing? >> yeah. i'm measuring three quarters of an ounce of lime juice. which is a lot of lime juice and if you have an ulcer it will make you barf blood. >> jimmy: if i was -- [ laughter ] >> it's terrible. >> but if you don't have a -- >> jimmy: see, i'm irish so we don't measure it. we just do the whole shot. and go -- there you go. >> i'm making two. >> jimmy: back to the teaspoons. no we don't. [ light laughter ] >> so each drink is three quarters of an ounce of lime juice. everything else -- >> jimmy: three quarters of an ounce of lime juice. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you have dark rum here. >> yeah. dark rum. sloe gin. you know what sloe gin is? >> jimmy: i do not.

i know regular gin. >> you know there is a really good loretta lynn song called "sloe gin fizz." >> jimmy: but you just drink it very slow? okay. >> now it's s-l-o-e. it's named after a kind of plum. >> jimmy: oh, really? i know, i'm here to >> jimm and apricot brandy? >> apricot liqu >> jimmy: liqueur. what's the differ brand i don't know. >> jimmy: no one knows. this one sounds shia lebouf would go the [ laughter ] but, this is -- what else would you do with apple brandy? i mean this is not -- >> apricot brandy. >> jimmy: i guess you just let it sit in your bar and watch it change colors. [ light laughter ] >> as it molds? >> jimmy: anyone here want apricot brandy? no? >> i think it's like you're -- if you're an old person maybe it's a nice end of the day top? i don't know. i just made that up. >> jimmy: yeah. >> people like a sweet thing. all right. so it's a half an ounce of the sloe gin and half an ounce of the apricot liqueur. >> jimmy: okay, and it's called "the millionaire." oh, this is good there. >> it's called "the millionaire." >> jimmy: yeah. >> and then -- so it's everything sweet and then just the lime juice. so balance that baby out. >> jimmy: and then you shake it off? >> and then you shake it out with some donald trump branded special swarovski ice. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: a beautiful thing. >> it's very beautiful.

>> jimmy: we make the best ice cubes. >> it makes it -- >> jimmy: it is the coldest ice you've ever had. [ laughter ] beautiful thing of ice. the coldest. trust me. it's fantastic. [ light laughter ] >> and it makes a cocktail that's huge. >> jimmy: it is so huge. >> it's huge. >> jimmy: you don't pronounce the h. you just go, "uge. [ light laughter ] that's right. all right. here we go. >> my prediction is that donald trump doesn't drink in part because he would drink "the millionaire" if he did drink and "the millionaire" is a terrible drink. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: we love you. thank you so much for coming on the show. >> thanks for having me, jimmy. >> jimmy: rachel maddow, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] the rachel maddow show. weeknights, 9:00 p.m. on msnbc. comedian artie lange joins us after the break. [ applause ] ♪ matt's gotten used to the funk in his man-cave. yup, he's gone noseblind. he thinks it smells fine, but his wife smells this... luckily for all your hard-to-wash fabrics

there's febreze fabric refresher febreze doesn't just mask, it eliminates odors you've gone noseblind to break out the febreze, and breathe happy ♪ they lived. ♪ they lived. ♪ they lived. ♪ (dad) we lived... thanks to our subaru. ♪ (announcer) love. it's what makes a subaru,

a subaru. ♪ things you never, never knew before. ♪ ♪ like "i" before "e", except after "c". ♪ ♪ why two plus two makes four. ♪ now, now, now, now. all you gotta do is repeat after me. say... ♪ ♪ a-b-c, it's easy as 1-2-3. ♪ as simple as, do-re-mi, a-b-c, 1-2-3 baby you and me. ♪ it's easy to go back to school in style with target. a good host, is a good host ♪ no matter where he's hosting. ♪ stella artois host beautifully a hamelted cheddarger, with crispy hash browns and an egg your way. now that's a burg... (explosion) (groans) you want that to go again sweetie? the thing burger. welcome to denny's.

fantastic 4, only in theaters. watch as these magnificent creatures take flight, soaring away from home towards the promise of a better existence. but these birds are suffering. because this better place turned out to have a less reliable cell phone network, and the videos on their little bird phones kept buffering. birds hate that. so they came back home. come home to verizon and now get 12 gigs for $80 a month plus $20 per line. verizon. come home to a better network.

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest is a a best selling author and hilarious comedian. you can see him perform this weekend at levity live in west nyack, new york. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome artie lange! [ cheers and applause ]

♪ >> jimmy: nice to see you, pal. >> what's going on, guy? >> jimmy: you look great. hey guys, artie's here. [ cheers and applause ] >> audience: artie! >> all right. what's up, buddy? [ light laughter ] it's always a dude. it's never a chick. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: it doesn't matter. doesn't matter. >> artie i love you! people say to me, "artie, do you get a lot of sex from being on the radio?" and i'm like, "if i am willing to bang plumbers i would be like a young warren beatty. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no. that's not true. but thank you for -- [ laughter ] like the shampoo hair. >> yeah. >> jimmy: thank you for coming on the show. every time you're here we have the best time. >> we do. >> jimmy: we do. this is fantastic. >> i can't fit in the chair this time. [ laughter ] it gets harder and harder. >> jimmy: you can't leave. you're stuck here. you can't get off. you can't get out.

we just heard rachel's take on the presidential race. do you have a take on what's going on? >> well, you know. listen. trump claims to not drink. but, he says stuff that makes him sound drunk. [ laughter ] it's great. a guy that doesn't drink but sounds drunk. it's very entertaining. everything he says he sounds loaded. he's like, "i'll build a wall around mexico!" [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah. you sound like -- >> you're like who's going to pay for that? the king of mexico! [ laughter ] they have a king? yeah they got a king. >> jimmy: like your uncle at thanksgiving. >> yeah, exactly. >> jimmy: but then you like -- you played baseball or softball? >> softball. >> jimmy: softball was one of the candidates? yankee stadium. >> jimmy: with chris christie. >> me and chris christie. look at me next to chris christie. [ laughter ] you know why i love that?

[ laughter ] i look like sarah jessica parker. [ laughter ] i literally, i have mary kate olson's ass. [ laughter ] look at his ass. >> jimmy: oh my gosh. >> would you look at his ass? >> jimmy: no. it's unbelievable. >> i was in the locker room with him. there is nothing presidential about that ass. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: could be. absolutely. look, i'm a jersey guy. i love the guy. [ cheers and applause ] yeah. >> i tell you what, i've been in show business for 25 years on and off and i never get invited to like the hamptons. you could throw me a bone, dude. i mean, you know. [ light laughter ] we know each other. so originally you were at ron perlman's party or something. you do a big party. here's what i did last weekend. i've been in show business 25, my hand -- jersey people appreciate this. i went to an engagement party at a knights of columbus.

[ laughter ] >> jimmy: i didn't get the invite to that. >> true story. in perth amboy, new jersey. [ cheers and applause ] before you clap, and i have family in perth amboy and i don't mean to disparage perth amboy. here's the kind of town perth amboy is. [ light laughter ] perth amboy is the kind of town where dogs walk around afraid they're going to step in human crap. [ laughter ] you actually see it. [ barks ] >> jimmy: yeah. you just came back from montreal? >> i was in montreal. that was good, your french. >> jimmy: the montreal comedy festival. >> montreal. it's too damn french up there. [ light laughter ] an hour in a plane. one hour in a plane. you get off the plane and it's like you're in romania or something. an hour the other direction you're in baltimore. >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] >> and like an hour, you're up there.

and listen. it's very odd. it's culture shock. hearing a homeless person beg for money in french is very odd. because french is such a a sophisticated language. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i'm like dude you sound way more successful than i am. [ laughter ] how about tossing me ten bucks, pierre? [ laughter ] again, i grew up around newark new jersey. here is how a homeless person in newark asks for money. here's what they sound like. hey. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: interesting. >> hey. >> jimmy: interesting language. interesting. >> dollar. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: you get to learn a a lot? >> they're all happy because they're bilingual up there. they're very arrogant about being bilingual. i'm like calm down with the bilingual. look, i'm a slob and i'm somewhat bilingual. i learned a little spanish buying cocaine in the bronx for ten years. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no. >> it's a fun way to learn another language. [ light laughter ] but, it's a bit pricey.

[ light laughter ] i think rosetta stone, you learn the whole spanish language for $49.95. [ light laughter ] i learned a couple of sentenced and it cost me $2.5 million in cash. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i see the difference. i see the difference. i want to tell everybody that you're playing in west nyack, new york this weekend. levity -- >> that's right. >> jimmy: levity live. >> where the dogs are careful, too. >> jimmy: yes. they're very careful there. to get tickets and information, check out his podcast as well as artiequitter.com. >> yeah. it's artiequitter. >> jimmy: this is what i'm talking about. artie lange, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] the doobie brothers and michael mcdonald perform for us after the break. stick around. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ male announcer ] digiorno? or delivery?

♪ digiorno? or delivery? taste for yourself why the shortest distance between you and a delicious, fresh-baked pizza, is your oven. thankfully, it's not delivery. it's digiorno. thankfully, it's not delivery. who says families have to share data now get four lines. each with up to 10 gigs of 4g lte data. just $30 bucks a line it's 10 gigs for all only from t-mobile

♪ you got a masterpiece...yeah ♪ we start with fresh milk from us dairy farms so you can make something amazing kraft natural cheese ♪ and that's how they're made. ...no klondike ice cream meets candy bar. the best ice cream bar ever conceived.

♪ aaflac? aflac! i thought you said this guy was the best? oh, he's a horrible stylist. gah? but he's the best at paying claims fast! really... mmhmm. paid mine in just one day. one day? yea. aaaflaaaac! in just one day, we approve and pay. one day pay, only from aflac.

♪

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our musical guest tonight, are one of america's all time greatest collaborators. their latest album, "southbound," is available now. performing a special medley of "long train running" and "takin' it to the streets," give it up for the doobie brothers with michael mcdonald! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ down around that corner half a mile from here can see them long trains runnin' ♪ ♪ and you watch them disappear ♪ ♪ without love where would you be now now now come on without love ♪

♪ in the north central where those trains are made just keep on pushin' mama ♪ ♪ cause i know they're running late ♪ ♪ without love where would you be now now now everybody gonna sing ♪ ♪ now without love ♪ hey ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

♪ ♪ you don't know me but i'm your brother i was raised here in this living hell you don't know ♪ ♪ my kind in your world fairly soon the time will tell ♪ ♪ you telling me the things ♪ ♪ you're gonna do for me yeah no i ain't blind and i don't like what i think i see ♪ ♪ takin' it to the streets takin' it to the streets takin' it to the streets takin' it to the streets ♪ ♪ takin' it to the ♪ take this message to

my brother you will find him everywhere wherever people live together ♪ ♪ tied on poverty's despair telling me the things you're gonna do for me whoa no ♪ ♪ i ain't blind and i don't like what i think i see ♪ ♪ takin' it to the streets takin' it to the streets takin' it to the streets ♪ ♪ takin' it to the streets takin' it to the streets takin' it to the streets takin' it to the streets ♪ ♪ takin' it to the

streets whoo ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh! oh! oh my goodness! thanks buddy. thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you so much. the doobie brothers! michael mcdonald! [ cheers and applause ] catch them both on tour right now. we'll be right back, everybody. oh my goodness. thank you. thank you. [ cheers and applause ]

♪ [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: my thanks to rachel maddow, artie lange, the doobie brothers, michael mcdonald! the roots right there from philadelphia, pennsylvania, ladies and gentlemen. stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching, have a a great night. i hope to see you tomorrow. thank you so much. buh-bye! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight, matthew broderick. from the wwe, pro wrestler and actor john cena. the cast of "impractical jokers." featuring the 8g band with jimmy chamberlin. ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: good evening, i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how's everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] good to hear. let's get to the news. the latest cover of "time" magazine features donald trump with the phrase "deal with it." i can only assume by the look on trump's face that the "it" is a kidney stone. [ cheers and applause ]