♪ >> steve: from studio 6b in "rockefeller center" in the heart of new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." tonight, join jimmy and his guests -- steve buscemi. taylor kitsch. stand up from jon rineman.

and featuring the legendary roots crew. >> questlove: 308, nebraska. >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, oh, oh! tonight's going to be fun. i can feel it. tonight is the night. welcome, everybody. welcome to "the tonight show." this is it. you made it. you're here. [ cheers and applause ] you're here for the show. how fun, how exciting. thank you so much for being

here. looking good. good-looking crowd. good-looking crowd. [ cheers and applause ] here's what people are talking about, everybody. of course, it was last night's debates. we had the earlier debate, the so-called "kids table debate." and they had the main event where the top-tier candidates duked it out. actually, they were exchanging words before the debate even started. i read that during a recent conversation with the republican donor, jeb bush referred to donald trump as "a buffoon, a clown and an a-hole." [ laughter ] then trump was like, "that's right, i'm total triple threat." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] "don't forget it." it's no surprise people took a a few shots at trump at these debates. it just seems like he's fighting with everyone. in fact, now he's suing celebrity chef jose andres for backing out of a restaurant deal due to trump's offensive remarks about mexicans. and trump said he didn't need

him anyway. he told his assistant, "get me señor frog." [ laughter ] not a real person. [ applause ] and one of the candidates at the early debate, george pataki, said that his routine before every debate is to drink a diet lemon snapple iced tea and pray. [ laughter ] which is also the advice chris christie gets from his doctor. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: oh, hey! oh! hey, hey, hey! >> jimmy: no matter what happened at that debate, everyone's still concentrating on raising money. i saw that jeb bush's campaign is trying to raise more money by selling guacamole bowls -- [ laughter ] on its website for $75. $75 for a guacamole bowl. even chipotle was like, "damn, son." [ cheers and applause ] "damn, son." [ laughter ] >> steve: damn.

>> jimmy: you remember when jeb was on our show and we were talking about guacamole? >> steve: oh, yeah. he did not want to hear about it. >> jimmy: well i said, "did you ever have peas in your guacamole?" he goes, "i would never have peas in my huacamole." [ laughter ] in your what? he goes, "i would never put any of that type of stuff in my huacamole." [ laughter ] >> steve: he said it like scarface? >> jimmy: use a little guacamole. all of a sudden he's scarface. like, "huacamole. say hello to my little huacamole. [ laughter ] huacamole. [ laughter ] remember that? [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: you got tariq. >> jimmy: i don't know, man. but, you know, jeb bush. his campaign is also selling these t-shirts, these t-shirts praising his father. check it out. it says, "my dad is the greatest man i've ever known, and if you don't think so we can step outside." [ laughter ]

it was really nice, actually. believe it or not, jeb also released a shirt to wear when he's around his brother. check it out. that's just mean. [ cheers and applause ] $75. >> steve: $75? you get the guacamole with it? >> jimmy: it says "huacamole" on the back. [ laughter ] meanwhile, a clothing company is making t-shirts inspired by democratic candidate, bernie sanders, with messages like "feel the bern." bernie sanders, yeah. they were going to make them for lincoln chafee, too, but nobody wants to wear a shirt that says, "feel the chafee." [ laughter and applause ] biker shorts. >> steve: bike shorts, yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. i saw that a reporter asked joe biden if he's running for president. and he said, quote, "only if you're my running mate." the reporter was like, "but i'm totally unqualified." and biden was like, "well, look who came up with our campaign slogan. that's pretty good. welcome aboard." [ laughter and applause ]

do you see this? in a recent education seminar, president obama admitted that he can't rap. [ light laughter ] when they heard, americans were like, "good. it's literally the one thing we don't care if the president can do. can you negotiate a deal? that's stuff we care about, yeah." obama said he can't rap, saying, quote, "that's one thing i can't do. i like rap, but i cannot rap." it appears he's telling the truth because we got our hands on an old cassette tape of obama rapping. i don't know. you be the judge. ♪ >> let's kick this ♪ my name's barack barack obama i like to have fun i don't like drama ♪ ♪ i love to go to the beach my favorite fruit is an apple ♪ ♪ i like to sing i like to dance i like to wear demim trousers break it down ♪ ♪ look look look look look michelle it's me barry o.b. original nasty boy 2003 ♪ ♪ barack oh boo ya [ cheers and applause ] barack oh boo ya! [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: barack oh boo yeah! ♪ ♪ i like to go to the beach ♪ to the beach. beach. beach. [ laughter ] wow. you guys, i found this kind of surprising, but according to a a new survey, about half of the world thinks kissing is gross. [ audience boos ] >> i would kiss you, jimmy. >> jimmy: and that half is known as married people. [ laughter and applause ] not now, honey i have to pay the bills -- online bills. >> steve: and eat my guacamole. >> jimmy: just go ahead. give me some more huacamole. [ laughter ] you call this guacamole? finally, we did something on our show a couple weeks ago where we had a little fun with our pal, shaquille o'neal's podcast. that's right, shaq has a a podcast. we didn't know this, but we

played around. he actually liked the bit that we did and ended up playing it on his actual podcast. well now i guess with the extra attention, he's been bitten by the comedy bug. he actually does a segment on the show where he tells jokes. it's called "shaq-sticles." [ laughter ] let's take a listen. >> this is "shaq podcast." it's a shaq-cast. welcome back. i'm shaq. now, it's time for "shaq-sticles." that's where i read jokes that are on popsicle sticks. i eat the popsicles, and then i read the jokes. let's eat the first popsicle. mmm, that's a good popsicle. what's a ghost's favorite kind of beef? ghost beef. that's a great joke. time for another popsicle. here's another ghost joke. what jeans does a ghost wear? boo jeans. i get it. that's a funny joke. next popsicle. what's a ghost's favorite movie? boo-lan rouge! shaq made that one up. hahaha. i'm shaq. >> jimmy: that's it right there. [ cheers and applause ] we love you, shaq.

we have a great show. give it up for the one and only roots, ladies and gentlemen. ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how fun is this? fantastic. good to see you, higgins. >> steve: come on! >> jimmy: what a great crowd, absolutely. [ cheers and applause ] good to see you, roots. guys, come back again next week. we have chris meloni, kristen stewart. [ cheers and applause ] sir ben kingsley, paul giamatti and kevin spacey will all be with us. [ cheers and applause ] kevin and i are going to debut a brand new game called "phone booth." it's very, very fun. i can't wait for that. plus, we have great perfomances from luke bryan, yolanda adams, reba mcintyre and robin thicke. [ cheers and applause ] that's gonna be good next week. but first, we have a fantastic show tonight. he's such a talented actor, the one and only, steve buscemi is here. [ cheers and applause ]

>> steve: come on! >> jimmy: great dude, great actor. plus, he's been getting great, great reviews for his performance in "true detective" on hbo. taylor kitsch is stopping by. [ cheers and applause ] you know he's a hockey player. he's a big hockey player. he's going to be in the nhl, taylor kitsch. then he got the acting bug. he did acting. every time he comes on, i challenge him to a hockey-type of game just because that would be great if beat him. >> steve: because then you can brag. >> jimmy: then i can brag about it, yeah. so tonight, he agreed to play me in a game of "beer hockey." so that's what's gonna go down. [ cheers and applause ] and tonight, we have stand-up from a very, very funny man. comedian john rineman is here tonight, everybody, doing some comedy for us. he's fantastic as well. guys, today's friday. that's usually when i catch up on some personal stuff. i check my inbox. i return some e-mails, and of course, i send outside thank you notes as one does every friday. i send out thank you notes. [ cheers and applause ]

so i was running a bit behind today. i thought if you wouldn't mind, i'd just like to write my weekly thank you notes right now. is that cool? [ cheers and applause ] thanks. this is don rickles' favorite bit. he loves when i do this. >> steve: he loves it. >> jimmy: he just loves it. he loves me, and he loves when i do this. roots, can i get some thank you note writing music, please? hey, james, good to see you, buddy. ♪ he forgot his tie. >> steve: wow. he knows casual friday. >> jimmy: he came from a a wedding or something. [ laughter ] >> steve: at least he didn't drink a mai tai. >> jimmy: that's right. it's his tie. [ laughter ] ♪ thank you, pope francis, for inviting oprah to the vatican for a meeting to discuss the church's portrayal in the media and how your celebrity couple name would probably be "poprah." [ laughter ] [ applause ] it works. >> steve: it works.

♪ >> jimmy: thank you, the feud between drake and meek mill for sounding less like a feud between two rappers and more like a feud between two snack food companies. drake. >> steve: drake's cakes and meek mill's cereals. >> jimmy: meek mills make the best cereal. >> steve: gluten-free. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, "fantastic 4" for being the name of this weekend's big movie as well as what i call my left hand. [ audience aws ] ♪ >> steve: come on! don't joke on your left hand. come on, don't joke it down. >> jimmy: it's getting better. ♪ thank you, jon stewart, for taping your last episode of "the daily show" yesterday. or as fox news called it, their moment of zen. there you go. yes! [ cheers and applause ]

♪ thank you, small wooden ice cream spoons, for letting me enjoy a delicious treat while also getting splinters on my tongue. [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: you can't feel it. >> jimmy: look at that ice cream. doesn't that look like a face in there? >> steve: it does. oh, my god. that looks like charlie denison. he's been dead for 60 years. jimmy! ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, hammocks in the woods, or as bears call you, tacos. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] "i wish i had some huacamole." [ laughter ] have you ever had peas in guacamole? >> steve: no. >> jimmy: it's good. >> steve: people says it's good. i'll try it. i'll try anything once. >> jimmy: you should.

it's green. >> steve: i love it. you know what? because guacamole is green and peas are green. put it together and guess what? peas good for your digestive system. sweet peas, snap peas, ginger peas, love them all. >> jimmy: you love peas. any type? >> steve: any type of peas. >> jimmy: you got ps and qs. >> steve: love them. [ laughter ] you got sweet peas. >> jimmy: hey, can i ask you a a question? >> steve: sure, go ahead. ask away. >> jimmy: we've been friends for -- >> steve: 27 years. 27 years, six months, 11 days and 33 seconds. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: has anyone every said to you or anything that we have similar voices? [ laughter ] >> steve: they said that, but i think they're crazy. >> jimmy: me, too. >> steve: shazam! >> jimmy: okay. ♪ thank you, people who have lizards as pets saying, "i don't want something cute, playful or cuddly. i just want the responsibility of a pet." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] "i just want to see if i can

keep it alive." >> steve: i feed it mice. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, thick milkshakes, for making me work really hard to get fat. come on. make it easy for me, man. that's my thank-you notes. we'll be right back with steve buscemi! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ t-mobile now extends your coverage beyond the borders at no extra charge. get 4g lte data in mexico and canada just like in the u.s. and call and text as much as you want to and from the united states, mexico, and canada. you heard right! unlimited calls to any phone - even mobile... in mexico and canada for free! it's included with simple choice plans. only t-mobile gives you coverage and calling in three countries for the price of one. switch today.

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest is a a golden globe award winning actor who starred in such great films as "reservoir dogs." [ cheers ] "fargo." [ cheers ] "the big lebowski." [ cheers ] he's also the creator and star of the emmy nominated aol webseries "park bench," ladies and gentlemen, please welcome steve buscemi! ♪

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: they love you. they love you. we love you. welcome, welcome, welcome. >> aw c'mon, i love you to. thank you. >> jimmy: thank you for being here buddy. nice to see you, pal. i gotta say, i haven't talked to you since i saw this interview on cbs sunday morning you did a -- >> oh yeah, you saw that, yeah yeah. >> jimmy: it was fantastic, you and your wife, and it was just really sweet and cool and i just loved it. i want to say congrats on that. >> thank you so much. i appreciate your watching that. >> i like knowing more about you. i never see anything about you. i want to see more but unfortunately you die in most of the movies that you're in --. >> i do. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: --and the shows you're in. >> occupational hazard. >> you're like -- it's almost like when i see you in the movies, i go, "i don't know scene -- this poor guy is probably going to die somehow. and "boardwalk empire" i'd, spoiler alert but --. >> i made to it the end, though. i made it to the end. >> jimmy: you did! yeah, after a few seasons you end up dying, yeah. >> well, ya know. >> you're good at that. you're typecast as a guy whose -- there's an online list

of people saying their favorite ways that you die in movies. >> yeah, i don't know why people like to see me die so much. >> jimmy: no, no, no. >> especially filmmakers. but they do like -- they like it. they watch it because they want to see me die. >> jimmy: no, that's not true. >> that's not true, okay. >> jimmy: but i mean, it's a a very interesting. number one, of course, is "fargo," you die fantastically in that. >> well -- people do say. [ cheers ] people do tell me they loved that scene in "fargo" with me in the wood chipper. >> jimmy: that's correct. >> they tell me but they say that i was good in the scene. you know, like? loved that scene. loved when you -- i felt bad because i wanted to it look more like my leg. i didn't think it looked --. >> jimmy: it's a rubber foot going into the wood chipper, yeah. but you did a great job in that scene. >> i did. it was, ya know -- >> jimmy: the screaming was fantastic, yeah. we also -- there's a bunch dedicated to you online that i just found fascinating so i just want to go through a a couple. here's one it's like, "the top 18 gifts for the steve buscemi lover in your life." >> oh, well that's thoughtful! >> jimmy: this is a shower curtain that you can buy, okay. >> wow. >> jimmy: there you go, you have to put this in your bathroom.

sixty eight dollars. >> sixty eight dollars. >> jimmy: sixty eight dollars, less than a bowl of guacamole. [ laughter ] sixty eight dollars. >> people are getting naked in front of me before they --. >> jimmy: yeah, this is a a pretty -- i would actually like this. this is a pretty great shower curtain. >> it is. i'm impressed. >> jimmy: there's another one here, they said there was a -- this is a list of "if steve buscemi were a category on jeopardy." >> okay. >> jimmy: so, if you were a a category they would have a a list of just different questions that -- or answers i guess that would be on "jeopardy" and this is one that i didn't even know. you auditioned for the part of george costanza on "seinfeld." >> you know --no. but that's not true. [ laughter ] i've heard this rumor --. >> jimmy: you didn't say that in the form of a question. what is -- that's not true, wait, you really didn't? >> i never auditioned. i don't know where that came from. but it's been on -- >> jimmy: wikipedia. >> wikipedia, imdb -- but i never did. and i don't know how to correct it.

because i don't know how the internet works. you know, i don't know how to -- >> jimmy: it kind of tells you what you did. >> i'm afraid i might do something really wrong if i start typing. >> jimmy: you definitely did not? maybe like a drunken blackout audition -- >> no. >> jimmy: one day for george constanza? >> no i never -- i don't know and i can't imagine how they could have imagined anybody else than jason alexander playing that part. i was never -- i never auditioned. >> jimmy: oh, interesting. that's really cool. we should change that or whoever is in charge of that. >> can somebody help me change it? >> jimmy: i can't but i mean somebody can help. we should get another lie going around for you. if we can do that. >> another lie? >> jimmy: yeah. you know what we should do? like you're deathly afraid of chipmunks or something. >> but i am. [ laughter ] so think of something else. >> jimmy: all right, i'll think of something. >> i don't want people throwing chipmunks at me. >> jimmy: no, no, no, you really don't want that no. >> because people will do that just to mess with me. >> jimmy: that's true, you know, yeah, they would, yeah. he's not -- he isn't even afraid of chipmunks let's not even get that rumor started,

sorry. and then there's one -- someone put "the top steve buscemi tattoos." people love to get tattoos of your face. >> yeah. >> jimmy: do you have any tattoos? >> not that i know of. >> jimmy: you have one of george constanza on your back. but, anyways, i'm looking at all these tattoos and this one i got to say, is my favorite one. this guy got a tattoo on his arm, okay? of your eyes. >> oh wow. oh my god. >> jimmy: what is the going on with the world? fantastic. >> i'm going to do that. >> jimmy: that's not bad. >> no, that what i should do. you know, if i'm ever in a a meeting and i'm tired, you know, i could just do that. "i hear ya!" "i hear ya!" >> jimmy: taking a nap -- >> i'm listening. i get you. >> jimmy: let's talk about "park bench." >> okay. >> jimmy: how did you come up with this idea? how did it get started? what got you involved with this? >> i, you know it's not like i never ever wanted to be a talk show host. because -- now that i am, of sorts, i have to give you -- i

mean, respect. it's like the hardest job. you make it look easy. you do make it look easy. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we'll be right back, everybody. [ applause ] how did you get -- >> i was doing -- directing these, like, promotional videos for the band vampire weekend. >> jimmy: love those -- >> love those guys and we were shooting at green point and i had a little sketch i was going to do and we needed to place it somewhere. so we placed it in the park, we were shooting at a bar, and i said, "well let's go to the park and do this thing on the bench." "but i need someone to be sitting with me on the bench." and about five minutes before that, this guy named "geo" who just hangs out at the bar, he's a carpenter. he swings a hammer, he's a big guy. he's not an actor, not in show business, he started talking to me. i was very distracted by him and had to excuse myself but when i thought, "well who could i be sitting with?" i went, "let's get that guy, geo." and he was so great that when i saw this footage i joked to

somebody i said, "i could make a whole show if i could just get him with me sitting on park benches and talking to people." and so that's what we did and aol went for it. >> jimmy: you got nominated for emmy's now. >> yeah, i don't know how it -- >> and it's so original and different and fun and you get great guests. >> elvis costello is the guest this week, we have a new episode comes out every thursday. last week was john oliver or piper kerman from "orange is the new black." >> jimmy: chris rocka, colin quinn. >> yeah, that was the first season. yeah. >> jimmy: it's fantastic and congrats on that. >> thank you so much. >> jimmy: we have something more in common. >> we do, yes. >> jimmy: in that, we're both talk show hosts. >> we're talk. we're going get tattoos together. >> jimmy: that's my man, right there. steve buscemi, everybody! check out new episodes. "park bench", thursdays at parkbenchtheshow.com. taylor kistch joins us after the break. stick around everybody. ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, welcome back, thank you, guys. i love you, i love you! what a great crowd, a tough crowd. oh my goodness. the best crowd. thank you. you know our next guest from big movies as well as excellent television series such as "friday night lights." [ cheers and applause ] "the normal heart." he's currently starring alongside vince vaughn, colin ferrel and rachel mcadams in "true detective" which has its season finale this sunday at 9:00 p.m. on hbo. please welcome our buddy, taylor kitsch, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

>> it's good energy. >> jimmy: no. that was a "chips" theme song is what that was. >> oh, wow. >> jimmy: and they ride motorcycles. >> they do. >> jimmy: and you as well ride a motorcycle. >> i do. >> jimmy: that was the connection. [ light laughter ] and you look like eric estrada. >> is that mine? >> that's yours, yeah. that's yours, yeah. no, that's steve buscemi. sorry, i apologize. [ laughter ] good to see you as always. >> you too. >> jimmy: thank you for coming here. >> thank you for having me. >> jimmy: we had you booked and i fell like an idiot. >> faked and injury. >> jimmy: i faked an injury. thank you for coming back. i want to talk about "true detective. congrats. i didn't tell you congrats on "normal heart." i haven't seen you since then. >> you did. i was on for it and we talked about it. [ laughter ]

>> jimmy: no, no, no. it was an emmy and i forgot to congratulate you. >> right. thank you. thank you. >> jimmy: you personally didn't win one. but hey, you know. [ laughter ] >> i -- >> jimmy: great having you on the show. [ light laughter ] here you are on another great project, "true detective." i mean, vince vaugn, colin ferrell, rachel mcadams. this is good stuff. >> they're all right. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. they're not here, you are. let's talk about you. >> yeah. >> jimmy: but this is a very interesting story. you wanted this role so bad you went and drove and met this writer director guy. it sounds like very interesting to me. >> nic pizzolatto. >> jimmy: pizzolatto. yeah, i did want the gig. and i tipped the hat to the agent who had an early beat on it. and i live in austin. and he said -- i guess i was one of three guys nick was looking for woodrough, who i inevitably ended up playing. >> jimmy: i was one of the other three guys so congratulations.

[ light laughter ] >> right. so i flew to l.a. and he was in ojai, two hours from l.a. basically, 45 on a motorcycle. >> jimmy: did you? >> no, i didn't take it. >> jimmy: okay. got you. >> but i was like, yeah, let me pitch myself and go in there. and i brought a buddy with me, one of my best mates and, you know. took the jeep up, i'm like just outside, it's like -- kind of like little bar. >> jimmy: who's your buddy? do i know him? >> no. >> jimmy: okay. [ light laughter ] i have a buddy, you don't know him. robert deniro. yeah, yeah, yeah. [ light laughter ] you and your buddy. he's a friend of yours? >> right. >> he's in the jeep. i'm getting out, like 45. these things don't usually last more than an hour, hour tops. >> jimmy: so i'm going in. i'm going to meet the director. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you hang out in the jeep, buddy. i'll come back out and then we will go obey -- oh, bye, from ojai. >> yeah. you're on it tonight. >> jimmy: i'm quick tonight man. [ light laughter ]

these drugs they give me, they're pretty awesome. [ light laughter ] keep going, yeah. >> so we go in there and 4 1/2 hours later. >> jimmy: what did he say when you first saw him? what did he first say, the director? [ laughter ] say that you back in and he's backing in as well and you bump in and what did he say? [ light laughter ] >> hi? [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: close. yeah. oh, hi. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> that was good actually. >> jimmy: that was crispy, that one. [ light laughter ] sorry. >> you're on it right now. >> jimmy: so you get in there. yeah. your buddy is in the jeep and you go, you wait in there, buddy. >> you wait in there, buddy. [ light laughter ] so, i get in there and i'm

4 1/2 hours deep. >> jimmy: no! >> yeah. so i go, shoot. [ laughter ] buddy's in the jeep. >> jimmy: nobody leaves bud in the jeep for four -- >> nobody. >> jimmy: if you've seen "dirty dancing" you see nobody leaves buddy in the jeep on my watch. >> so i go to pinto and i'm like, let me text my buddy in the jeep. >> jimmy: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> he's like, "oh, dude, you can't do that." i'm like, "i know i shouldn't do that." we were just talking. i wasn't conscious of it. >> jimmy: you can't leave your buddy for four hours. >> right. >> jimmy: yeah. >> so i text him, i'm like hey come on in. he's canadian. and he goes, "oh no i'm good, i'm just listening to a hockey game in the jeep." [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: in that satellite? >> he doesn't want to leave the jeep. so he inevitably comes in, because i'm like, okay weare going to have one more. >> jimmy: yeah. >> which was like 12. [ light laughter ] it was a lot. >> jimmy: what time did you

start the meeting? >> it started around 1:00 and i got, long story kind of made long, i got out of there around midnight. [ laughter ] but -- >> jimmy: is your friend still your friend? >> yeah. actually he's my business manager so he has to be. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he gets paid for the gig you end up getting. >> literally 5%. he has to be my buddy. >> jimmy: he has to be your buddy forever. we love you, buddy. glad it happened. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and that you got the gig. and you're fantastic. >> thank you. >> jimmy: and i want to show a a clip here. taylor kitsch in season two of "true detective." this sunday. check it out. >> where are they? >> i don't know. velcoro has the papers. he's turning them into the feds. but i can call them. we set up a meeting. but i skate and i get every [ bleep ] copy of those pictures.

>> that's accommodating, maybe two much. >> the court only [ bleep ] me is [ bleep ] dragging down. >> he had me look you up. >> david used all of us an and she's [ bleep ] dead. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: did we air any of that? >> no. no. >> bleep dead. bleep dead. bleep never. [ laughter ] never mind. >> jimmy: season finale of "true detective" airs sunday at 9:00p.m. on hbo. taylor kitsch and i are playing beer hockey after the break. my man. stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: guys we are back with the one and only taylor kitsch, my man. [ cheers and applause ] he stars alongside vince vaughn, colin ferrel, and rachel mcadams in "true detective" on hbo. the season finale is this sunday at 9:00 p.m. do not miss that. now taylor kitsch has beaten me at all these other hockey

games. i have one final chance tonight in the name of beer hockey. which is the perfect combination of two games, beer pong and air hockey. >> and beer drinking. >> jimmy: and beer drinking. yes. the rules are simple. if the puck lands in your cup, you have to chug the beer. the first one to three wins. taylor, you ready for this buddy? start us out. >> all right. >> jimmy: good luck, man. >> good luck, man. >> jimmy: yeah. you're the best, man. >> really hoping you win. >> jimmy: that's embarrassing. you know who would be bummed out about that? >> who? >> jimmy: buddy. [ light laughter ] ♪ [ cheers ] >> early, early, early karma. [ cheers and applause ] are you drunk? >> jimmy: yeah. am i as pretty -- [ light laughter ] >> the pills, the booze. >> jimmy: am i handsome man? [ light laughter ] ready for this? >> yeah. i'm ready. >> jimmy: oh! fake out.

♪ [ cheers ] now you know why i fall down. [ cheers and applause ] >> uh-oh. back is against the ropes. [ laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: all right, buddy. >> if you won. >> jimmy: that's great. really? >> no. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: good to see you, man. >> you, too. [ light laughter ] there you have it. ♪ >> jimmy: what? >> oh! >> jimmy: let's do one for fun. the champion right there. taylor kitsch, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] tune in to the season finale of "true detective" this sunday at 9:00. stand up from john rineman after the break. stick around, everybody!

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we're joined right now by a very, very funny comedian. he performed for us on "late night" and now he's making his "tonight show" debut. please give a warm welcome to the hilarious jon rineman, ladies and gentlemen.

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> thank you. thank you very much. i'm excited to be here. a little bit about me, i'm a a married person. that's the first thing. coming up on my fourth wedding anniversary, actually. coming up, thank you. [ applause ] i got married in my 20s, though, okay. so there is a lot i didn't know. a lot of stuff. like, for instance, did you know as a guy, when you buy an engagement ring for your girlfriend, it's supposed to cost you the equivalent of three months salary? you know that? supposed to cost you three months of what you make at work to buy one ring, so i quit my job. [ laughter ] [ applause ] problem solved. we're four years in and we decided we want to have kids. that's right, we're trying for children. because i finally reached the point where i realized the only way i'm ever going to make new friends is to literally make

new friends. [ laughter ] [ applause ] clearly my only hope. you got to do what you've got to do. people give you a lot of advice if you're trying to have kids, i feel like. you know the one thing i keep hearing from people is, "hey you know what's good practice for having a kid? getting a pet." that's right, having a pet is good practice for having a a child. yeah, that's totally the same thing, right? you're going to have to bail that rabbit out of jail when it's 16 years- old. you're going to have to send that hamster to college three times until it finds itself. [ laughter ] like, yeah. he thought wanted to run on the wheel and then he switched and then he switched to philosophy and now at he's back home working at best buy. hamsters, what are you going to do? [ laughter ] mixed bag! [ applause ] here's how bad it is. i went to someone's apartment recently, right? and they had a cat there that i had never seen before. and i say, "is that a new cat?" and they go, "yeah, he's adopted."

[ light laughter ] to which i said, "oh, you mean you didn't have that cat yourself?" guess what, idiot, they're all adopted. all right? all the cats are adopted. [ laughter ] that's how it always works with cats and people. i wanted to be a real jerk and be like, "oh was it an open or closed adoption?" [ laughter ] is the mom cat still in the picture? she come by on the weekends and visit him on the holidays? is she defensive about it? is she like, "look, i had a lot going on back then, all right? "i was messed up on nip, i was hopped up on doorbells, i was in no condition to be a a mother!" [ cheers and applause ] "but now i'm three years sober. i'm taking some classes from devry, i got eight more lives, i'm going to make every single one of them count!" [ applause ] "i haven't chased a laser in

two weeks!" [ laughter ] see, anyone can get a pet. anyone can go out and get a a pet. we can do that. it's not always easy to have a a kid, though. in fact, my wife said if we don't get pregnant early enough, she wants to try fertility treatment. and that scares the hell out of me, all right. if you do fertility treatments, you're probably going to get pregnant but you might get too pregnant. you know? you might. there's a family in new jersey, the hayes family, they did it three times for some reason. first time, twins. second time, twins. third time, six kids. who's your fertility clinic, costco? that's unbelievable. [ laughter ] [ applause ] you don't need that many kids. please, just take one or two kids and grab a cheese sample. it will be much easier. [ laughter ] i already know the difficult area it's going to be my wife and i when we have kids -- religion. that's going to very tricky, right. because we're an interfaith couple. that's right, i'm irish

catholic. my wife is jewish. so the only thing we both celebrated was that free u2 album. [ laughter ] that was a big deal for us. that was a big one. [ applause ] oh every september, st. bono day. oh, thank you. oh, love it! my wife says she's already got a problem with it. she's afraid that we're going to get competitive with our holidays when we have a family, you know. she's afraid that christmas is going to wipe out hanukkah. i don't think i'm gonna let that happen, all right. because even though i was raised catholic, i've always been equally taken by the story of hanukkah. we know the story of christmas. a baby was born to a girl who had never had sex before. i mean, big deal. that happened every week in my high school. that's nothing new. [ laughter ] that's an old -- i don't know. it's science, i can't explain it. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i don't know. think about hanukkah. think about hanukkah for a

a second, right. there's oil that's supposed to last people one day, lasts eight days and eight nights. eight days and eight nights. that's longevity, you know. and i feel like it wins if you compare with modern day circumstances. like i have friends all the time that will be like, "hey, man i had a baby." i'll be like, "oh, hey, good for you." but if one of my friends is like, "hey, my iphone battery lasted a full 24 hours." i'm like, "that's amazing!" [ laughter ] thank you guys very much! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: jon rineman, everybody. jon rineman! we'll be right back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you can give a quick shout-out to -- your mom's here, tonight, isn't she? >> yeah, both my parents. >> jimmy: oh yeah? >> john and nancy rineman. >> jimmy: hey, john and nancy rineman. be proud of this guy. he's doing a great job. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ there they are, there. hey, guys! you got to be proud of this guy. my thanks to steve buscemi, taylor kitsch, jone rineman and the roots, ladies and gentlemen. stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great weekend. i hope to see you next week. buh-bye, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- adam sandler, comedienne margaret cho, music from modest mouse. featuring the 8g band with david lovering. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] and now, here he is, seth meyers! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: good evening, everybody. i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] good. that is good to hear