(knocking) (knocking continues) isn't anybody gonna get that? jake? yeah? (knocking) what are you doing? hanging posters. did you consider using scotch tape? it doesn't hold as well. especially her. who is that? raven. she's the north american ladies' wrestling champ. aha. all oiled up and ready to...wrestle.

(knocking) damn it! this isn't funny! quick little bastards. what happened to your harry potter posters? i'm not a kid anymore, dad. you don't have to be a kid to like harry potter. you want it, take it. aw, harry. you crumpled harry. you remember when we got this? no. oh, come on, we stood on line outside that bookstore at midnight to get one of the first copies? you were dressed as harry and i was dressed as dumbledore. i don't remember, dad. sure you do. you made fun of that other kid 'cause he had a flying mop instead of a broom, and, uh, he started crying and his father punched me in the chest? no. yeah, well, you weren't the one with the cracked rib. anyway, what, uh, what prompted you to... redecorate like this? i don't know, i like cars and wrestling. and wet t-shirts, apparently. oh, there is a wet t-shirt on that-- i hadn't noticed.

(knocking) ha! huh. jake's redecorating. yeah, i can see that. oh, raven. those are fake, by the way. charlie! what? he has a right to know. i'm just glad the little guy's got me to... wait a minute. are those nails in my wall? are you out of your freakin' mind? no. no? that's your answer? no? yeah. charlie... charlie, come on. for god's sake! these are railroad spikes! i'll putty over it. that's not plaster board, that's stucco. you can't just putty stucco. i know, i'll fix it. let's just give him some privacy. wait, wait, wait. at least i can take one hammer out of his hand. ♪ men... ♪

alan (on tv): jake, look at daddy. look at daddy. look at daddy. ah, that's my boy. where's daddy? daddy's over here. wasn't he adorable? yeah. hey, could you rewind to judith breast-feeding him? that was really adorable. especially the part where she does the old switcheroo. (baby jake babbling) i miss that little boy. seems like only yesterday i could hold him in one arm. he didn't weigh more than eight or nine pounds. he craps more than that now. where did the time go? his childhood is almost over and there's still so much stuff i want to do with him. like what? you know, father-son stuff. pretty soon, there'll be no more playing catch

or riding bikes. do you realize i've never even taken him fishing or camping or hunting? do you know how to fish or camp or hunt? that's not the point. i-i-i thought we would learn together. oh, that sounds good. you and knucklehead out in the woods taking turns shooting each other in the ass. okay, it's not so much about hunting, per se. "per se." there's an outdoorsy phrase. it's about bonding. before you know it, he'll have no interest in spending time with me at all. not unless you grow boobs and straddle a harley. all right, look. it doesn't help to whine about it. if you want to get lost in the woods with jerky gherkinheimer, go do it. my life is just one big joke to you, isn't it? actually, it's more of a limerick. there once was a moron named al, who wanted to camp with his pal...

any chance you can go camping in nantucket? so, charlie, where's the wife and kid? they went camping to do some father-son bonding. (thunder booms) (all laughing) alan: and when they looked at the door handle of the car, there was nothing there... but a hook. a hook? that makes no sense. oh, i left out a part. um, uh, okay, the guy who escaped from the insane asylum had lost his hand in some kind of an industrial accident. anyway, they replaced it with a sharp metal hook.

and it was said hook that was stuck on the aforementioned door handle. (creepy voice): ooh... dad, over thpast three birthdays i've gotten $175 in bookstore gift cards. they're yours if we can just go home. no, no, we're having fun. hey, i know-- we'll sing a song. ♪ on top of spaghetti ♪ all covered with cheese come on, you used to love this one. ♪ i lost my poor meatball ♪ when somebody sneezed (thunder booms) ♪ it rolled off the table ♪ and...onto the floor come on! ♪ and then my poor meatball ♪ rolled right out the door. ♪ men... ♪ oh, and the super crunchy outside has taught me

some real important life lessons. like what? it's what's on the outside that's important. [ laughing ] no. [ male announcer ] juicy meet crunchy. new juicy super crunch chicken strips. this is how you sonic. new juicy super crunch chicken strips. >> but my spots i had to lose. vo: garnier clinical dark spot corrector. a daily moisturizer with potent vitamin c. > it breaks up spots, lifts them away, prevents them from surfacing. vo: 82% saw spot reduction. dark spot corrector. garnier.

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i'm a believer. dr. scholl's massaging gel insoles. i'm a believer! , come on. we had an adventure. dad... yeah, buddy? bite me. you'll see. someday you and and i will look back on this weekend and laugh and laugh... i didn't say someday soon. hey, come on. i thought you liked wet t-shirts. hey. hey. shut up. oh, come on, alan. we both know i can't do that. what do you want me to say, that it was a bad idea? okay, it was a bad idea.

and the only thing we bonded over was our mutual discomfort with pooping into a coffee can. it wasn't chock full o' nuts, was it? sorry, sorry. where's jake? he went back to his friends in hooterville. well, i can't blame him. it never rains in hooterville. look, alan, seriously, i'm, i'm sorry it didn't work out. i know your heart was in the right place. thank you. now, i finished the limerick. you want to hear it? too soon? you don't get it. you don't understand what it's like to be a little boy's best friend, to be someone he looks up to, and then one day you turn around and the only person he looks up to is covered with baby oil and nailed to the ceiling. count your blessings. there's all kinds of pictures that could have been up there. yeah, i guess. it could have been the moscow ballet.

i got it. still, i can't help but feel a little empty inside, like--like a chapter of my life is over. so? you've still got plenty to look forward to. you mean, besides work, loneliness and death? absolutely. there's memory loss... impotence, adult diapers. i'm all you've got, pal. that's true. my wives are gone, my son is grown, but i'll always have you... my brother. forever. okay, now, i was just having fun, but that was mean. ♪ men. ♪

well, when will he be back? all right, tell him i called again. boy, some agent. he never calls, he never returns my calls. i'm almost sorry i let him feel me up. i guess that's showbiz. that's what he said. uh, listen, kandi... i really thought the liked me at that audition. they had me read three times, and then all the jumping jacks. jumping jacks? it's an action series, alan. they need to know that i'm fit. ah. uh, listen, kandi, there's something i wanted to talk to you about. if it's about the divorce papers i haven't signed them yet. no, no, that's not why i'm here. um, sweetie, do you remember why we split up? the big reason or all the little reasons? the big one. 'cause there were a lot of little reasons, alan. i know. like the way your toenails grow all crazy. right. and your ear hair and your nose hair. got it. and that one long hair on your back, yuck!

ok, forget the little reasons. just, just the big one. yeah, you didn't want to have a baby, and i did. right. well, what would you say if i were to tell you that i've changed my mind about that? really? yeah, i've just been thinking that jake is almost grown and there's still a lot of daddy left in me. so you want to have a baby? yes, i do. a fresh start, a-a-a new chapter. wow, that's a big step. yeah, i know. i know it is. so if you want to think about it... no, that's okay. let's make a baby. just like that? don't you want to talk about it some more? alan, it's practically all we talked about our entire marriage. baby, baby, toenails, baby, ear hair, baby, how clocks work, baby. (chuckles) so...so you really want to do this? do what?

you see, if you use tape, it's much easier to rotate in new posters when these ones stop working for you. i don't think that's gonna happen. trust me. after a while, these beautiful eyes are gonna be filled with judgment and condemnation. what are you talking about? okay, maybe that was just me. anyway, you're lucky your dad lets yohang posters like this. i guess. does your mother let you? no way. so what do you got at her house, a secret stash of magazines? just one. playboy 1998, the christmas issue. god bless hugh hefner, huh? god bless kimberly macadoo from portland, oregon born march 4, 1979. turn-ons: sunshine and goatees. turn-offs: judgmental people and war. gotta love a chick who doesn't like war. tape me. hey, uncle charlie, could you do me a favor? if it's the favor i'm thinking of, not until you're 18

and not in my house. what? nothing, nothing. what do you need? could you get my dad to lay off the father-son stuff? it's kinda lame. lame? you think it's lame your father cares so much about you he wants nothing more than to be part of your life? yeah. look, you gotta understand what your father's going through. what do you mean? okay, here's the deal. your father has reached a very difficult age. it's confusing and a little bit scary for him. scary how? well, first of all, his body's changing. really? oh, yeah. hair is growing where it's never grown before. that is scary. and then there's the hormones. hormones? yep, your father is running out of them. sounds bad. no, no, it's just a perfectly natural part of growing old, jake. is it happening to you? no, no, no.

my point is that your father is going through this phase and you have to be patient and understanding. so he's gonna want to go camping ain? probably not in this lifetime. but you might have to play catch with him or something. guess i could do that. atta boy. all right, well, i'm glad we had this little talk. now i'm gonna go get hammered. (english accent): hello, ladies, i'm harry potter. ♪ men. is there anything special we have to do? ohno, no. it's just like regular sex, but without all the last-minute fumbling for a condom. oh, okay, but i still get all the rest of the fumbling, right?

i prefer to call that "foreplay." (phone rings) holdn. hello. this is she. uh-huh. uh-huh. uh-huh. hold on a sec. here, we're divorced. okay, i'm back. you were saying? really? i got the part? thank you so much. thank you, thank you, thank you. alan, i got the part. oh, that's terrific. congratulations. whoa, whoa, whoa. put that thing away. but i-i thought... oh, please, nobody wants to see a pregnant fornesic investigator. hey, can we still do it with a condom? ♪ men.

(tv playing) it's dark out. okay.

i tried. help me out here, doc. i need a time of death for our little cheerleader. i can't give you an official t.o.d. until i get her on the slab. but based on hypostatic lividity and degree of rigor, i'd say our cheerleader got her pom-poms pierced right around halftime. anything else? left-handed assailant, used a single-edge blade, multiple entry wounds and defensive trauma. so how are we gonna find this psychopath? well, like our killer, we'll just have to... take a stab at it. ♪ mama's got a squeezebox, daddy never sleeps at night ♪ unbelievable. yeah. they're real, you know. i know, i was married to her. oh, yeah. dawg!

you know what? i'll be in my room. so when are you guys going fishing?

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buona sera, luigi's pizza.

buona sera. it means "good evening" in italian. may i say, having to explain that to you calls into question the authenticity of your ristorante? okay, i'm out of here. un momento. oh, for heaven's sake. now you're being deliberate stupid. where are you going? i'm having dinner with priya at raj's. i think howard's going to be there. you want to join us? but tonight's thursday. on thursdays everybody comes over here and has pizza. or a reasonable facsimile prepared by someone claiming to be luigi, but who sounds suspiciously like jackie chan. can't we make a one-time exception for tonight? we could. we could also stop using the letter "m," but i think that idea is "isguided" and "oronic." just come with me to raj's. well, i don't want to go to a party. it's not a party. it's the same group of people who hang out here hanging out over there. i'm sorry, but five people eating and chatting is a party. how come it's not a party when we do it here?

because we don't throw parties. i don't know what to tell you, sheldon. i'm going to see priya. everyone's over there. you coming or not? well, no, sir, and do you know why? in a word: tradition. every thursday night for the last eight years, you and i and our friends have gathered here in this very spot to break bread covered with cheese and sauce, discuss the issues of the day, and yes, share a laugh or two. but i guess our rich heritage means nothing to you. i guess you're right. see you later. wait! leonard! wait! what am i going to do for dinner? come with me to raj's and eat there. i can't do that. what if he serves haggis and blood pudding? i really doubt that's what he'll serve. but what if he does? i'll be obliged to dine on liver and lungs stuffed in a sheep's stomach. and frankly, blood pudding is essentially the same thing. i don't know why he's serving both. what do you want to do?

you want to come with me, or do you want to sit here alone? no, i'll go to your haggis party. but i'm telling you. this is "adness." this is utter and complete "adness." ♪ our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪ ♪ then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... wait! ♪ ♪ the earth began to cool ♪ the autotrophs began to drool, neanderthals developed tools ♪ ♪ we built the wall ♪ we built the pyramids ♪ ♪ math, science, history, unraveling the mystery ♪ ♪ that all started with a big bang ♪ ♪ bang! ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] elevate your style. introducing the all-new corolla.

♪ can i help you? ahem. excuse me. hi. uh, i wanted to find out about the unlimited for life guarantee. sure. sprint is guaranteeing unlimited talk, text and data for life. cool. cool, cool, cool. and, uh, what if, say, technically, you were not alive. like maybe you were undead? like a zombie. whoa. let's not go puttin' labels on people. i'm a zombie. [ male announcer ] switch to sprint and get unlimited for life. and now save up to $100 on any phone. trouble hearing on the phone? visit sprintcaptel.com oh, dear! what? raj's television. i just realized we're about to spend an evening watching a plasma screen with a cluster of dead pixels in the upper left-hand corner. so don't watch tv. read a book. and be a social pariah? oh, you know that's not my style. ugh! the audible sigh is a show of exasperation, right?