but can you enjoy a bagel without philadelphia cream cheese? they got cheetos, teams up with cream cheese to come out with this product here. again, not a big seller, i don't think -- "toe cheese." [ audience groans ] yeah, "toe cheese," not as good. not very -- yeah. [ audience groans ] that was my feeling, exactly. [ laughter ] okay. lipton tea. lipton tea, very popular, got together with the folks right here at planters nuts. lipton tea, planters nuts. [ laughter ] what's this? chex party mix. they came up with this one. uh "tea party nuts." "tea party nuts." [ laughter ] here you go -- [ cheers and applause ] "tea party nuts." okay. >> audience: we love you, jay! >> jay: thank you. a box of dunkin' donuts. you're pretty happy. a box of dunkin' donuts. you couldn't be happier? >> audience: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: yeah? throw in a little tabasco sauce

for spice. [ cheers and applause ] sounds pretty good so far, spicy doughnuts. nutella. nutella? [ scattered cheers ] what do you come up with? you come up with this product, here -- [ light laughter ] >> jay: "donutasco donutella" [ cheers and applause ] [ italian accent ] you donutasco, you donutella. [ applause ] all right. hefty bags, hefty bags doing well enough on their own, but they needed to broaden their appeal. so the folks at hefty bag teamed up with the folks at cover girl, okay. [ audience ohs ] but nobody bought this. this is new "hefty girl make-up." [ laughter ] not a big seller.

not a big seller. not a big seller. [ applause ] "donutasco donutella." [ laughter ] now, here's a merger of multiple products that really makes no sense at all. the makers of see 'n say -- if you have kids, you know see 'n say. well, they talked with the folks at hello kitty. seems pretty smart. they're both toy manufacturers. they teamed up with these people, here, my little pony. you got your see 'n say, hello kitty, my little pony. you put them together with friends cologne -- [ laughter ] and they come up with this product here -- "say hello to my little friend." [ laughter ] >> say hello to my lil' friend! [ grenade launcher ] >> jay: exactly. that's fun. i like this one. [ applause ] >> say hello to my lil' friend! [ grenade launcher ] [ light laughter ] >> jay: duracell batteries do pretty good on their own. ladies? okay. [ audience ohs ] [ cheers and applause ]

for some reasons -- oh, i know those long nights at sea -- [ audience ohs ] oh here we are, here we are. well, for some reason, duracell -- they wanted to team up with paper mate. but they couldn't come up with anything, so they asked the hershey's kisses folks to help out. so, duracell, paper mate, hershey's kisses came up with this product here -- "cell mate kisses." "cell mate kisses." [ laughter ] lovely product. [ cheers and applause ] that looks -- that looks -- looks strangely like two guy that is work here, kurt, bobby. oh, there they are -- come on out. [ audience ohs ] >> rickey: jay, jay, "donutasco -- [ laughter ] -- donutella." [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: this one is a bit of a a stretch. canola oil -- but for the sake i'm gonna go with "can-ola" oil --

joins forces with the whipped cream maker. and the brewers of bass, bass ale. canned bass ale. to come up with this one, here -- "cano whip bass." "cano whip bass." [ cheers and applause ] and look. endorsed by general petraeus, right there. [ cheers and applause ] "cano whip bass." exactly. exactly. right there. "cano whip bass." [ applause ] now, some people are never satisfied. they just want more, you know? turning fish into sticks wasn't good enough for mrs. paul, so she teamed up with the makers of this product here -- ding dongs. fish sticks, ding songs -- [ audience groans ] to make this product here, which i don't think is very good. "mrs. paul's dong sticks." [ laughter ] not as popular. when -- [ applause ]

>> audience: don't do it, jay! >> jay: when these go dead -- [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] now, the people who make foot-long hot dogs thought they could increase sales if they got together with the folks at scope mouthwash -- [ audience groans ] to produce this product here, "foot in mouthwash." [ audience ohs ] you see, and look -- look, "endorsed by joe biden." joe biden, right there. [ cheers and applause ] and finally -- mothers polish -- mothers polish wanted to merge -- this is tricky - with smucker's jam. mothers polish with smucker's jam. and then, they called in sonoma muscle relaxant. then teamed up with the folks that make bad ass coffee to come up with this -- "sonoma

bad ass mother smucker," right here, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] and look -- official jam of the united states marine core. be right back with kim kardashian, right after this. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: thank you, dorian. all right. [ cheers and applause ] you all know my first guest, former head e! network reality series, "keeping up with the kardashians." she's hosting the abc special, "'people' magazine's sexist man alive" on wednesday novemeber 17th. she's been shooting a tv series in new york. originally, she couldn't do out show tonight, because she's working everyday and when we told her it was for an all-military audience, she chanced her schedule, left at 4:00 in the morning, which is really 1:00 in the morning eastern time, flew all night to be here, has to go back. she's just here for you folks tonight. please welcome kim kardashian. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: hey, thanks for coming. >> hi, everyone. [ cheers ] >> jay: they really appreciate it. so do we. >> thank you. >> jay: you look great. are you -- >> thank you. i love you. [ cheers ] very sexy uniforms out here. [ cheers ] >> jay: now, you're tired from the trip? >> no, i got, you know, a nice plane that was sent for me, so thank you for that.

i slept the whole way. >> jay: okay. now, you're living in new york city now. how, do you -- i know -- see, you're a california girl. how do you like it? >> i will always be a a california girl, but i must say -- [ cheers and applause ] -- there is no energy like new york. [ cheers ] i feel like, you know, i'm such a workaholic, that i just feel like i get so much done out there. it's amazing. i love it. >> jay: now the food -- the new york food -- you can't beat the pizza. >> the pizza. i know the pizza really well. i have probably have gained about ten pounds living in new york. i can't find a gym. i just see pizza everywhere. [ laughter ] hot dogs, i mean everything. >> jay: so, pizza is your weakness? [ light laughter ] >> so, yes. i will be taking some quick trim back with me. i've been eating so much pizza. >> jay: thin or thick pizza? what do you like? >> thin. >> jay: oh, you like the thin crust. >> yes. >> jay: and when you eat it, where does it go? >> woo!

>> everywhere. >> jay: everywhere. >> everywhere. >> jay: now, did you do the subway thing? had you ever ridden the subway before? >> i had never ridden the subway. so kourtney and i were trying to think of some really new york things to do. so, we went to the top of the empire state building. we rode on the subway, which, it made me, like, subway sick. i was like dizzy. it was -- it was fun though. besides the sea sickness, the subway -- >> jay: 'cause, actually, it's not a ride. people actually use it to get places. [ light laughter ] in california -- in california, we think it's like disney land. oh a subway ride. and you pay a token. but, see, in new york, the go places on it. >> kourtney actually, when ere was a stop, she got off and she wanted to look in the tracks to see if there were rats. she like, had always had this vision of rats all over the subway. we didn't find any but -- >> jay: aw, sorry. [ light laughter ] >> so, it was a pleasant subway ride. >> jay: yeah, it must be hard to find rats in new york city. did you halloween in new york, or did you do it here?

>> yeah, it was mason, my nephew's, first halloween. so, we dressed him up and we had this -- we didn't want to take him out because kourtney had never been to new york during halloween, so she was a a little scared to take him out trick-or-treating. so, we had this like dress up party in our suit and we just tried on all these costumes on him and we tried stuff on. >> jay: now, this one here. >> yes, i tweeted those. that was a pirate. [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: how many guys are getting a peg leg right now? [ cheers and applause ] that one there, now this one here. look at this one. there's a -- >> that was a leopard. >> jay: that was a leopard. [ cheers ] very nice tail on the leopard. [ laughter ] and which one is -- and you didn't go out? it's a shame you didn't go out. tell me about this one. >> this was the queen of hearts. [ cheers ] i actually -- my mom sent me a a picture of -- because she does a big halloween party, she

sent me a picture in the same exact outfit. and so, i couldn't wear that. so, i was -- like the ultimate heart breaker outfit. but, i actually went as little red riding hood and then my best friend was the big bad wolf. >> jay: yeah, well, i could see you as little red riding hood. >> yeah. >> jay: something to think about during the break. be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ( woma) comen, kids, come inside. the droid 2. a lightning-fast keyboard, a turbo-texting, web-jetting super you. the droid x. a 4.3-inch screen. summon movies and nfl content at your command. now get a droid 2 by motorola for $149.99 and get any phone of equal or lesser value free.

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: welcome back. we have our all military audience, because it's veterans day. we're talking with kim kardashian. so, you're opening up another -- you're store out here is dash. i know you have one in miami, and you just opened this one in new york, right? >> yes, and we're actually having -- it's a good problem to have, but we're having a a problem keeping it open, because the cops come down every day and shut us down for like an hour because there's too many people crowded out, out front of it and inside. >> jay: there's too many people in the store. >> yeah. >> jay: yeah, a lot of business have that trouble. >> it's amazing, we're so

thankful. [ light laughter ] i mean, like, it's a good problem to have but -- >> jay: it's a good problem to have. >> so far it's -- i mean, we definitely stepped it up for new york. >> jay: all right. now -- let me ask you something, because i hear women do this all the time, i want to know if they do it in your store. women come in, they pick like an expensive dress or they wear it to an event and then they bring it back the next day and say -- what's your excuse? it doesn't fit? >> i. >> jay: you've done it yourself? [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> jay: really? >> not anymore. it's been a really long time. there's some ladies here. [ cheers ] it's not right, now that i own a store, i realize it's not probably the best thing to do. it's not morally right, so i don't recommend it. but, i mean, i think everyone's done it. where you just tag it. -- keep the tag on and tuck it in. >> jay: you keep the tag on and tuck it in. >> yeah. >> jay: oh, okay. >> you can tell, though. >> jay: but, what is the excuse. when women come back, what is the reason the bring it -- >> they don't want to spend the

money. >> jay: no, i know that. i mean -- [ light laughter ] >> on a dress. >> jay: but, do thl es la razon? do they have to give a reason? >> people give the most ridiculous reasons that, you know, it's either falling apart or something's not right with like they never wore it. that's what i would do. >> jay: do you ever call a a customer on it? [ light laughter ] you ever say, "you little night"? [ light laughter ] >> no. >> jay: no. >> to our -- maybe to our sisters. >> jay: a-ha. >> like -- when they l you know? >> jay: so, you worked in stores before you had your own store, right? >> yeah, when we opened up our calabasas store, me, kourtney and khloe worked in the store. >> jay: okay. a year and a half. and then, before, my first job was in retail, i -- when i was -- you know -- when i was a retail store. and i loved it, i spent all my paychecks on the clothes. and i've worked in retail since i was like 16. >> jay: okay, so how'd you pay back the car if you spent all your money on the clothes. >> well, i paid that off first. >> jay: i see. all right. okay. now, you had a big birthday a

a couple of weeks ago. the big 3-0. >> the big 3-0. >> jay: wow. so tell me about that. [ cheers and applause ] >> well, you know, at first i was really nervous about turning 30, thinking that, you know, i'm like officially an adult now. [ laughter ] >> jay: okay. so, 30 is when you're officially adult now? >> officially. >> jay: good thing you're not jewish, it's 13, yeah. >> so, at first i didn't want to celebrate, i didn't want to have a party and then i said, "you know what, 30 is amazing and it's such an amazing time in my life." so, i wanted to have 30 parties. >> jay: 30 parties. >> to celebrate turning 30. i -- i'm not the biggest partier, probably despite what you all think. i'm really not. so, i only had a few. i had like five. [ laughter ] >> jay: when you get to like party 28 -- [ sigh ] now, i heard kayne west was at one of your parties. did he come to the party? >> he was. there was a lot of people at my birthday party. my best friend lauren threw me a party on her yacht. >> jay: okay, on her yacht.

>> yes. so, we did -- >> jay: what number was that party? >> that was my last official birthday. >> jay: that was five. >> that was five. my last official birthday in new york city. >> jay: the trick is to party all the way until you're 40. now, are you dating kayne, did i hear that? >> no, we're not dating. there's been so many dating rumors, i really wish i had an exciting life like everyone thinks. i think -- i heard some ridiculous rumors of other people i'm dating. i really just don't have the time. >> jay: anything here you like? [ cheers and applause ] now, tell me about this. you have your own master card. oh, you have one for me. look at that. >> i have a mastercard for you. it's a prepaid mastercard, and you have be 18 and older. and, you know, it's pretty cool to look and see -- >> jay: does this entitle me to one kardashian of my choice? how does this work? [ laughter and applause ] >> depending on how much you're gonna spend. >> jay: depends on how much i'm gonna spend! >> i'm just kidding, i just kidding! [ cheers and ohs ] that was such an easy joke. >> jay: oh, so, we've established a price. well. >> i'm joking.

[ laughter ] absolutely not. >> jay: absolutely not. that would be wrong. >> so why did you give me a a card? what is this for? >> jay: well, this one has your name on it. >> i know. >> jay: so, i can use this at any kardashian outlets that there it is. >> you can use that anywhere you would like. >> jay: okay. >> yeah, it doesn't have to be at a kardashian outlet. >> jay: okay, very, very good. >> that sounded so bad. >> jay: who got the first one? do i have the first one? >> you have the very first card. >> jay: oh, cool. >> we printed that out for you. you all have to go get one. [ applause ] >> jay: i will use this. i will use this. now, you're hosting this -- "sexiest man alive." >> 25 years of sexy. and it's, for the past 25 years they've done the "sexiest man and when i was there, i kind of got to go through the whole "people" magazine archives. >> jay: so, who is it? who is the sexiest guy? i know that one. >> you guys remember this one? >> jay: that's 23 years ago. [ cheers and applause ] what year is that? let me see that. >> 1987. >> jay: 1987, the magazine was 3 cents.

wow. [ light laughter ] >> but i know who this year's sexiest man alive is. >> jay: you do? >> well, i'm not allowed to say, but -- >> jay: so, who you think -- >> if i were to nominate, it would definitely be someone in this room. [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: well, let's -- out of those four guys right there, which would you say is the sexiest? >> well, i think -- [ cheers ] i don't think that sexy comes from looks, i think that sexy is from within and it's all about confidence. [ cheers ] it's a whole package. it's everything. so, i'd have to talk to you guys for a little bit. >> jay: okay, so, any guy here got a whole package. [ cheers ] there you go. well, kim, thank you very much. kim kardashian. >> thank you. >> jay: thank you so much for doing this. >> thank you. >> jay: they really appreciate it. be right back with dennis miller right after this. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: all righty, welcome back. my next guest, an old comedy buddy of mine. he hosts "the dennis miler show" on the westwood one radio network. he'll be appearing tomorrow night at the celebrity theatre in phoenix, and on saturday at the canyon club, right here in agoura hills, california. his latest hbo special "the big speech" premieres on november 19th. please welcome dennis miller. ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

>> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. i've never done stand-up on "the tonight show." i was backstage, sweating like a chilean miner. [ laughter ] you know what i took away from that whole scene? pretty much anybody can be a a mistress in chile. [ laughter ] you know, my mistress, lou costello. [ light laughter ] kids are getting younger, jay. [ laughter ] so i was just back in new york. jay sent a plane for me, too, yank yank. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] yeah. i flew out on "air greyhound" and --

[ laughter ] the film on my flight was "iron man 2" with bob downey jr. and mickey rourke. i remember halfway through it thinking "i wonder if mickey knows he's in a movie, here? [ laughter ] or is this just like tuesday for him?" [ laughter ] well, this is the fittest audience i've ever performed for. god, i feel ancient. [ cheers and applause ] i'm not quite there with you. i currently have the core strength of fdr in the shallow end at warm springs. [ laughter ] i haven't been taking care of myself over the years, heretofore the extent of my workout regimen has been something i call "lubriderm pilates." [ laughter ] it's where i get out of the shower, i leave my feet wet, i slather 'em with some lubriderm, sit on the edge of the bed and try to pull a pair of tube socks up over 'em. [ laughter ]

gives me that competitive rip you're looking at. [ laughter ] i guess the -- i guess the first big worrisome sign for a man as he grows older is the onslaught of the man breast and, granted, i -- i got my own set of man breasts. they are pert man breasts, but man breasts nonetheless. [ laughter ] pert man breasts, huh? no. god, i remember when i wrote that joke, i thought, "pert man breasts? i'm like tumblr click away from being full-bore, fireman calendar on the fridge gay myself. [ laughter ] you know when it really hit me? i was watching this show one night on the discovery channel or the travel channel called "man vs. wild," with this cat named bear grylls. have you seen this show? [ cheers and applause ] former sas, a real bad ass guy and what they do is they take him all around the world, drop him in the hot spots, he gets out using his gallon of survival techniques and his stamina. i was watching one night and he was actually over the amazon rainforest and he parachuted out of a small plane and he was shirtless.

and i remember thinking, "if i did that, it would be death by mamammular flutter. [ laughter ] i would be -- i'd just be beaten to death, like -- ray leonard working the speed bag in the gym. [ applause ] i'm hoping -- i'm hoping that obamacare's gonna cover a little breastial liposuction, huh? [ light laughter ] stay on your parent's medical till 26 now. who's happy about that except the inventors of xbox and weed? [ laughter ] you can stay on your parent's medical benefits till age 26. you get two years unemployment, they pay for your medical marijuana, with obamacare, they throw in some food stamps for munchies. [ laughter ] at that whole point, this whole country is "bill and ted's excellent adventure 3," okay? i'm pretty sure -- [ cheers and applause ] i don't know if the obamacare thing's gonna work 'cause, you know, we're only shooting for the european model over here, now.

obama always wants to pursue the european model, and i'm just not sure -- you know, this country's not liechtenstein. we got over 300 million people. we got to think bigger than that and -- you know, he's always aspiring to the european model, give clinton that. you know, when clinton told you he dug european models, he actually dug european models, i mean -- [ laughter ] it's a whole different thing. oh, listen guys, i go around and i do these things at the bases and the hospitals and stuff like that and, i hope you know that there are a lot of people out here who, on a day to day basis, never forget that the whole thing we have here, the ability to do something like "the tonight show" and, indeed, the ability to laugh at shows like "the tonight show" -- there's a lot of bad men in this world, and occasionally, the bad men have to have their herd thinned, and i just want you to know that there are a a lot of us who -- you know, when i used to -- when i was a kid, i used ot read books about ancient troy and achilles and guys like that and you always wondered, "did they know they were living next

to a guy like that?" and then you meet guys like you and you remember, at some point they're just a group of kids with balls the size of macy's balloons that go out there -- [ cheers and applause ] -- and give us -- and give us -- and give us every single luxury and freedom we have in this country. and we love you for it and i thank you very much for having me here. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jay: well, you must have -- you must have loved these midterm elections. that was right up your alley. >> well, you know, i'm of a a more -- i'm socially liberal but i'm a a conservative bent on a couple things like, you know, kicking terrorist ass and spending -- [ cheers and applause ] that seems so simple to me. i don't know why we're mincing around. [ bleep ] terrorists. [ cheers and applause ]

>> jay: yeah! exactly! f.t.! >> if you were a patriot, you wouldn't bleep that. [ laughter ] >> jay: exactly. [ audience ohs ] i'd like to stay on the air. >> ah, yeah. okay. and then, we have a border issue, here in california. >> well, i'm watching the election the other night, and i was like a pig in slop. i sat there lime michael corleone during the baptism ceremony, just -- moe greene, tattaglia -- bam, bam. >> jay: they weren't born when that -- >> they don't know what "the godfather" is? for god's sakes, jay, i am getting old. >> jay: mention lou costello again. [ laughter ] >> well, listen. the only state that didn't participate the other night was california. we're still stuck with the gollum and the sea hag but -- [ laughter ] we got -- [ cheers and applause ] we gotta do something out here. we got border problems, jay. >> jay: yeah, yeah. >> i mean, for god's sakes, we got bigger holes in our border than the colander in michael moore's kitchen, and you know

something -- [ laughter ] the only reason i tease mike is because he's a bit of a buzz kill about the united states of america, which is obviously the greatest country. i'm watching this show -- or "newsweek" magazine around a a month ago, they have a story on the cover about the greatest countries to live in the entire world. they've got finland, number one, switzerland, number two, sweden, number three. finland, number one. hey, "newsweek," go fjord yourself, okay? [ laughter ] "oh, finland!" finland is the [ bleep ] little plastic village you set up under the christmas tree once a a year, you know? [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: what did finland do? >> the united -- the united states -- >> they didn't pick them. >> -- is the big, honkin' train that comes through and makes it all interesting. >> jay: but finland didn't call themselves that. "newsweek" did. >> but hey, the best thing about living in finland is they don't get "newsweek" magazine. [ laughter ] >> jay: now we -- we have a new speaker. of course, nancy pelosi -- >> we got a transfer of power in the house now. john boehner took over. >> jay: right, right.

>> he got a little shaky the other night, turned into tammy faye boehner, breaking down three times like that. >> jay: yeah, that -- >> we're in the kill zone here, baby. you gotta lock in, john. don't go wobbly on me, but -- [ laughter ] we're still stuck with pelosi, who's thicker than a a charlie sheen prenup and -- [ laughter ] can you believe she was the speaker of the house? every time i see nancy pelosi handling the gavel of the speaker of the house, i feel like charlton heston waking up in the field and the chimp's on top of the pony, okay? [ light laughter ] every time she opened her mouth, i would shake my head like it could blend paint colors in my mind. [ laughter ] she -- i guarantee you, that woman is crazy. she is bat [ bleep ] crazy. [ laughter ] i guarantee you that she sleeps upside-down. [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: what year was "planet of the apes"? >> i forgot mark wahlberg starred in "planet of the apes." >> jay: hbo special, november 19th. be right back with soulja boy, right after this. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: my next guest is a a hip-hop artist from atlanta who sold over 10 million digital singles. here's here to perform "speakers going hammer," from his new cd "the deandre way" which will be release november 30th. please welcome soulja boy. [ cheers and applause ]

♪ i wake up early in the morning round the crack of dawning ♪ ♪ wave to my neighbors and i'm all tatted up ♪ ♪ dat bang in my trunk everybody in ma city show me love because i got my ♪ ♪ speakers going hammer bammer bammer bammer speakers going hammer speakers going hammer ♪ ♪ speakers going hammer bammer bammer bammer speakers going hammer speakers going hammer ♪ ♪ my speakers out of space like e.t. cops watch me all day like tv ♪ ♪ and sod hit da club we be so deep mine are deep in their gang like a og ♪ ♪ i got 12 diamond chains like a ozzy follow me like the wizard of oz ♪ ♪ and girls love my style cuz it is so mean you ask about me in da streets i spit so heat ♪ ♪ ain't nobody in da game messing with my clique style swift hot like it's july 10th ♪ ♪ fly chick in my whip with nice tips her boyfriend paid for it i didn't ♪

♪ ice game, cold as a polar bear sun hit my chain watch it make a solar flare ♪ ♪ we gettin money over here hands in the air ya'll making it too easy ♪ ♪ i wake up early in the morning round the crack of dawning ♪ ♪ wave to my neighbors like wassup say wassup and i'm all tatted up ♪ ♪ dat bang in my trunk everybody in ma city show me love because i got my ♪ ♪ speakers going hammer bammer bammer bammer speakers going hammer speakers going hammer ♪ ♪ speakers going hammer bammer bammer bammer speakers going hammer speakers going hammer ♪ ♪ i remember back in the days man i was broke but these days soulja boy ride hundred spokes ♪ ♪ no joke man i'm outlining the atmosphere you say you ball harder then me man get them outta here ♪ ♪ i gotta my speakers going hamm in my lamborghini two door coupe a girl in bikini ♪ ♪ passenger seat and she five star she so swagg she so fabulous they way she throw it in the bag ♪ ♪ its young soulja boy

man i swear i'm popping tags back then you could catch me in a pontiac ♪ ♪ these days drop top phantom with a 100 stacks yea they buy this album but they want they money back ♪ ♪ girls wet like they swimming in a fish tank i'm getting paid soulja boy big bank ♪ ♪ young soulja got my speakers going mc hammer like rick ross y'all i think i'm mc hammer ♪ ♪ i wake up early in the morning round the crack of dawning ♪ ♪ wave to my neighbors like wassup say wassup and i'm all tatted up ♪ ♪ dat bang in my trunk everybody in ma city show me love because i got my ♪ ♪ speakers going hammer bammer bammer bammer speakers going hammer speakers going hammer ♪ ♪ speakers going hammer bammer bammer bammer speakers going hammer ♪ >> now everybody throw your hands up. throw your hands up. throw your hands up. throw your hands up. throw your hands up. throw your hands up. throw your hands up. throw your hands up. go! go!

go! go! ahh! happy veteran's day. [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: yeah. soulja boy, nice job. thank you man, nice job. great job. folks, we've got to go. kim kardashian, dennis, soulja boy. happy veteran's day, see you tomorrow night. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew.

and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's gonna be fun! look at this crowd. welcome to the show, you guys. welcome, buddy. all right. thank you so much. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. welcome. good man, buddy. i'm in a good mood. i just read about this thing. this guy in indonesia wrote this book about president obama. did you hear about this? it's 5,472 pages long, the thickest book in the world. the book is called "one of obama's speeches." [ light laughter ] that's the name of it. [ laughter ] here you go.

>> thank you. >> jimmy: no problem. no problem, buddy. >> steve: oh, that's just the index. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, here's the other half here. hey, listen to this, guys. travelers can now get flu shots at jfk airport here in new york city. that's good, because whenever i see how things are run in an airport, my first thought is, "these people should be in charge of more things." shouldn't they? [ laughter ] they need a little something else. [ cheers and applause ] this isn't good. a man in pennsylvania was busted for smoking marijuana at a hospital while his child was being born. [ laughter ] everyone could tell the guy was stoned because he was like, "oh man, he looks just like me." [ laughter ] and the doctor was like, "sir, that's a mirror." [ laughter ] "your baby is over this way." "oh, man, he looks like an alien." [ laughter ] speaking of babies, a woman gave birth to a healthy baby girl in the back of a new york city cab this week.

you could tell the woman wasn't going to make it to the hospital. her contractions started coming every $4.60. [ laughter ] she wasn't going to make it. [ cheers and applause ] aw give it up for that. thank you so much. some major financial news, you guys. china is expected to overtake the u.s. as the world's biggest economy in the next two years. americans couldn't believe it. they were like, "that hasn't happened already?" [ laughter ] "i thought that was last year." this is a crazy story. a kindergarten teacher in florida was arrested for trafficking oxycodone. other teachers got suspicious when she had the only class in school with a six hour naptime. [ laughter ] reach in your cubbyhole -- [ cheers and applause ] [ humming ] hey, this is big, you guys. after 40 years, movie critic gene shalit has left the "today" show. [ audience aws ] yeah, he's a good man. i guess they were worried people are going to miss him though, because look what they've done to meredith.

this is just weird. i mean, that's just -- [ laughter ] she still looks pretty. get this. a powerball ticket worth $128 million was sold at an adult bookstore in michigan. [ cheers and applause ] of course, after taxes, the guy will only get about half that money. and after his wife finds out where he bought it, he'll only get about half of that money. [ laughter ] so it's almost like he didn't win the lottery. and finally -- this is just insane. a woman in illinois was arrested for hitting a police officer with a sex toy. [ laughter ] luckily there's a good chance she'll get off. [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show. give it up for the roots! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, no, you didn't.

that is the legendary biz markie right there. [ cheers and applause ] sitting in with the roots. biz, you're on tour with yo gabba gabba through december 12th. how long you doin' it? >> i'm -- through december 12th. but we just got 40 more dates added in january. we've got to do things for the kids. plus i got another tv show on centric called "masters of the mix." me, kid capri, and just blaze is the host. it's on wednesdays, 10:30, fridays at 12:30. but i always watch you every night. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's what i'm talkin' about. that's my man. biz markie, he's legendary. we've got a fun show tonight, you guys. from the new film "morning glory," one of my favorite actors, jeff goldblum is here. [ cheers and applause ] he's a great man. from the popular show "human target," mark valley is joining us. [ cheers and applause ] what a great guy. hey, to all the veterans out there, i just want to say happy

veterans day to everyone out there. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. mark valley -- mark valley is a veteran as well, so we'll thank him for his service when he comes out. we have a performance from the one and only robyn tonight. [ cheers and applause ] it's a good song. all right, guys. it is thursday, which means it's time to remix the clips. here we go. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: now, this is where we take stuff that we found on the internet, tv, stuff that's weird, funny or interesting. and we just have our very own questlove remix it once we get the clips. our first clip comes from the "today" show. matt lauer was interviewing former president george w. bush and at one point bush was asked about his drinking and why he had to stop. >> so i'm drunk at the dinner table at mother and dad's house in maine. and my brothers and sister are there, laura is there. i'm sitting next to a beautiful woman, a friend of mother and dad's.

and i said to her, out loud, "what is sex like after 50?" [ laughter ] >> silence. >> total silence. and not only silence, but, like serious daggers -- >> from your mom? >> yeah, and my wife. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: "what is sex like after 50?" wow, that clip of bush reminded us of a classic clip from two years ago. this is an abc reporter who was covering the 2008 election. and he told us something about barack obama that even barack obama didn't know. >> to barack obama, the son of a black man from kenya, and a white man from kansas. [ laughter ] now, no matter what your politics, that is a moment for the history books. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i didn't know that at all about our president. doing a report on barack obama. this next clip comes from the new "family feud." man, i love steve harvey. he's the new host. he's awesome.

he's hilarious. in this clip, steve asks the contestant what is the last thing a burglar wants to see when they're breaking into a house. >> something a burglar would not want to see when he breaks into a house. [ buzzer ] >> naked grandma! >> naked -- huh? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i wouldn't want to see that, either. i don't want to see that either. that is so funny. "naked grandma!" [ laughter ] for our last clip, what do you get when you take one weatherman and one cockroach and put them in the same newsroom at the same time? apparently total chaos. >> pushing across central florida, so places like orlando, daytona beach, the cape canaveral area, vero beach will be getting in on the heavier rainfall. and eventually -- ooh! [ laughter ] i am so sorry, bill.

oh my god! [ laughter ] oh, this is what just happened. that thing was crawling on my leg. [ laughter ] oh, god, is there -- [ screaming ] [ laughter ] oh, my god! oh, no! [ laughter ] oh my god! >> jimmy: poor dude, man. okay. those are the four clips we have today. questlove, let's see what you can do, buddy. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ what is sex what is sex like what is sex like after 50 ♪ ♪ sex, sex like after 50 ♪ ♪ sex like after 50 ♪ ♪ sex, sex like after naked grandma ♪ ♪ sex, sex like after naked grandma ♪ ♪ sex, sex like after naked grandma ♪ ♪ sex, sex like after naked grandma ♪

♪ naked, naked grandma naked grandma ♪ ♪ oh, my god naked grandma ♪ ♪ oh, my god naked grandma ♪ ♪ oh, my god naked grandma ♪ ♪ oh, my god naked grandma ♪ ♪ oh, my god oh, my god ♪ oh, my oh my oh my oh my god ♪ ♪ that is a moment for the history books ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: there you go. give it up for questlove. all right. we'll be right back with "cell phone shootout." come on back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ male superhero: hey tammy, did you know that in just 15 minutes you could save hundreds on car insurance by switching to geico? female superhero: i totally knew that. male superhero: and 15 minutes is the exact amount of time we put into this commercial! female superhero: so, this half-baked commercial is to prove a point about

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