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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  May 15, 2024 11:35pm-12:38am PDT

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aggression. >> reporter: at least erica was wearing cowboy boots. although already married, she's been showered with proposals from bowled over fans. that's a wifey right there. unlike medusa, erica never lost her head. i why just pose for wedding photos when you can pose with a snake? >> erica smile at least, come on. >> the pose. >> at the end, yeah, nice. >> you know, that could be a requirement for you to be able to decide who gets to go to the wedding. so you spend less. >> must be able to wrangle snakes. >> yes. got two guests, [horn talking] >> 2 minutes, stephen. [sniffing] >> stephen: tony, why does this suit smell this way? ian armitage, star of cbs's "young sheldon," what are you doing here?
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>> well, stephen, as you may have heard, tomorrow night is the series finale of "young sheldon." >> stephen: of course. i've got my viewing party all planned. it's byob. bring your own bazinga! but what i meant was what are you doing here? >> well, i'm preparing for my next role. it's as another prequel in the cbs universe. >> stephen: ooh, "young tracker"? >> no. >> stephen: "young equalizer"? >> nope. >> stephen: "young bob hearts young abishola"? >> no. young stephen colbert. >> stephen: well, i know you're talented, but do you really have what it takes to portray me? i'm pretty complex. >> don't worry. i've studied countless hours of footage so i can capture your essence with the utmost accuracy. >> stephen: well, i'd love to see that. >> okay. [clears throat] i love "lord of the rings"! >> stephen: wow! that is uncanny! congratulations. this show is going to be huge! >> note to self: learn how to walk like a pigeon with a wedgy. >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert"! tonight...
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up for debates! plus, stephen welcomes george stephanopoulos! and michelle buteau! featuring louis cato and "the late show" band. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> stephen: oh, my god. have a good show. welcome. welcome to "the late show." i am host, stephen colbert.
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ladies and gentlemen, today, my friends, is an historic day, because the debate over debating is finally over. joe biden and donald trump have agreed to two presidential debates! yeah, my friends, boom. just like that. they're goin' head to head! toe to toe! mano a mango! these two men last debated back in october, october, right? of 2020. we all remember gathering with our friends and family on the couch to say "oh, god, i hope this doesn't happen again in four years." trump has been challenging president biden for months now, and today, biden accepted by releasing this video, where he took a swipe at trump's court schedule. >> donald trump lost two debates to me in 2020. since then, he hasn't shown up for a debate. now he's acting like he wants to debate me again. well, make my day, pal. i'll even do it twice. so, let's pick the dates, donald. i hear you're free on wednesdays. [laughter and applause]
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>> stephen: for my reaction to that, join me over at the "damn cam." damn! trump jumped right on the offer, posting, "just tell me when, i'll be there. let's get ready to rumble!" rumble? i've seen your rallies. i think you mean let's get ready to "ramble." "folks, when you think masterlock, you think of the late, great hannibal lecter. don't we? he came to me with tears in his eyes, big guy, big cannibal said 'sir, don't eat that hot dog' 'cause you can't flush toilets anymore." biden had some conditions in willing to debate saying he wanted no audience, and that it should occur inside a tv studio, with microphones that automatically cut off when a speaker's time limit elapses. [applause] wow. no mic, that's it.
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imagine trump with his mic cut. he's going to look like the world's angriest mime. [no audio] [cheering] the candidates have now agreed to two debates, one in june, one in september. but that wasn't enough for donald trump who this afternoon tried to slip in a third debate, posting, "i hereby accept debating crooked joe biden on fox news. the date will be wednesday, october 2nd." you can't just unilaterally set a date that only works for you! "nick, julie, congrats on your engagement! your wedding will be next week in my backyard shed, and it'll be broadcast on fox news!" congratulations. [applause]
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big fox news fans. big fox news fans. now, as biden mentioned, wednesday is a day off for trump's trial. everybody's still talking about yesterday's explosive cross-examination of former trump lawyer and greek tragedy mask, michael cohen. trump's defense attorney todd blanche started the cross-examination by introducing himself and then announcing to cohen, "on april 23rd, you went on tiktok and called me a crying little [bleep]," to which cohen nodded and said, "sounds like something i would say." jim? damn! [applause] even though the sparks were flying, politico said that trump seemed to doze off as his nemesis faced cross-examination. this is supposed to be the final standoff with his worst enemy, and trump is asleep. it reminds me of this climactic confrontation from "star wars." >> you can't win, darth. if you strike me down,
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ishall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. >> [snoring] >> stephen: people forgets. there's nothing like the original. the prosecution says that cohen is going to be their final witness, which led reporters to ask trump the obvious question. >> do you plan to testify, mr. trump? >> well, thank you very much. as you know, i'm under a gag order so i can't as -- really answer those very simple questions that you're asking. >> stephen: fun fact: that's not part of the gag order. trump's just using it as an excuse to dodge any question he doesn't want to answer. "father's day is coming up. dad. do you want to go to runch with me?" "sorry, i'm under a gag order. in that if had to watch you gummin' your way through brunch, i would gag."
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[applause] hannibal lecter comes up to me. on the international front, yesterday during a trip to ukraine, secretary of state antony blinken rocked out on guitar during a surprise performance at a kyiv basement bar. ♪ keep on rockin' in the free world ♪ ♪ keep on rockin' in the free world ♪ that's the kind of soulful musicality that makes dad bands everywhere go "wait. is that what we look like?" if you thought that performance was a little bit of a letdown, you're not alone. according to the band he was playing with, they had no idea that blinken would be crashing their concert, saying, "we thought, and we were messaged, that it would be neil young. we were disappointed". i don't blame them. they expected legendary rocker neil young, but they got secretary of state antony blinken.
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it's the worst switcheroo since n'sync replaced justin timberlake with secretary of state antony blinken. [applause] he's got the moves. yesterday, here in new york was the westminster dog show and best in show went to a miniature poodle named sage! so majestic. there she is, telling the judge, "please find the person who gave me this haircut and bring them to justice." but the real excitement came from the agility competition, which for the first time, was won by a mixed-breed dog. take a look. >> the crowd is going crazy! cynthia is way out ahead. you got to get this dog walk. they do! are they gonna get a sub-30? look at this! they do! oh, my god!
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>> stephen: that is beautiful. i love that. how do they get the dog to run that fast? oh, i'm being told one of the judges was kristi noem. [applause] now... i am going to miss those jokes. in other animal news: orcas, the black and white cookies of the sea. since 2020, there have been multiple instances of a group of orcas off the coast of spain banding together to attack boats. and it's still happening. because on sunday -- and bear in mind everyone's fine -- a yacht sank after being rammed by orcas in the strait of gibraltar. that would be the best episode of "below deck med" ever. "all right, guys, one of the primaries is being chewed up by shamu and the other is dry humping the chef in the hot tub.
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okay, let's plate these napoleons." [laughter] [applause] [laughter and cheering] we had a bet in rehearsal of how
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many napoleons connive plate before the crowd gave up on me. three. the answer is three. the yacht in question was named the "alboran cognac." which is the douchiest possible yacht name next to the s.s. "the housekeeper is actually like family to us." researchers think the mastermind of the recent attacks may be a female they've named white gladis. which is also what your mom keeps on calling "the white lotus." "your dad and i are really enjoying that "white gladis." especially that one actress, jessica cool-ranch!" the rights to this story have already been acquired by hollywood and of course will be recounted in the new movie "flee, willy!" we got a great show for you tonight! my guests are george stephanopoulos and comedian michelle buteau. but when we come back, i track down the elusive rudy giuliani. ♪ ♪
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>> announcer: "the late show with stephen colbert," sponsored by mike's hard lemonade. hard days deserve a hard lemonade.
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♪ ♪[cheers and applause]
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>> stephen: say hello to louis cato and "the late show" band, everybody. nice to see you. coming up shortly, just shortly here we've got from the new movie "babes," michelle buteau will be out here. one of the greats, lovely gaston perfect person to have on right now, mr. george stephanopoulos will be out here in just a moment. talk about the world, you know, and all that's in it. folks everybody who knows me knows i'm big into hip-hop. the rippity-raps, as we call it. which is why i was devastated to learn that an obituary has appeared in the detroit free press for eminem's fictional alter ego slim shady. if only the authorities thought to contact his doctor. but, sadly, they forgot about dre.
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now, the heartless buzzards of the media industry claim that eminem is just running this fake obituary to promote his upcoming album, "the death of slim shady coup de grace." mi-nem, as he has repeatedly told me not to call him, is a true artist. he would never stoop to emotionally manipulating his fans for a few streams. plus, no major media figure is gonna be dumb enough to fall for this obit and promote "the death of slim shady coup de grace," available later this summer. [cheers and applause] no, this obit is real and can mean only one thing. will the real slim shady please stand up? ♪ now i'm slim shady ♪ ♪ yes i'm the real shady ♪ ♪ all you other slim shadys ♪ ♪ are just imitating ♪ [cheers and applause] won't the real slim shady ♪
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♪ please stand up ♪ which means, all the royalties for that music should be sent to the real slim shady, care of stephen colbert, the ed sullivan theater, new york, new york. or just go to times square and look for the building with my name on it. speaking of people who are not "technically" dead, rudy giuliani, seen here as a celebrity spokesmodel for corpse teeth. corpse teeth: "they're free!" back in december, rudy declared bankruptcy after being ordered to pay $148 million to two poll workers whom he defamed. but so far, rudy hasn't paid a cent of the judgment and the judge overseeing his bankruptcy case is losing his patience. and yesterday, the judge warned rudy that he is "disturbed" that so little progress has been made in sorting out his finances. that is amazing. a man who has been looking into the affairs of rudy giuliani every day for months still has the capacity to be "disturbed"? the judge is po'd because,
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while rudy claims poverty and refuses to pay the judgment, he has reportedly been spending funds to pay his girlfriend's credit card bill. which raises the question: who is rudy giuliani's girlfriend? "guys, come here. i'd like for you to meet my new girlfriend: swiffer with googly eyes. she lives in a closet in a beautiful abandoned office building in hell's kitchen. i woke up, and it was love at first sight. i will admit our relationship is mostly physical. she's a wet jet." last week. we're all adults. last week, rudy giuliani lost his radio show on wabc, but his attorneys insist that rudy's trying to pay up, claiming he has additional work lined up to bring in money, but they didn't say what kind of work that was. okay, this is just a guess, but it is only a few months until spirit halloween opens, and they always need window displays. even if rudy does somehow scrape up the scratch to pay
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this judgment, he has a host of other legal troubles. last month in arizona, he was indicted for trying to overturn the 2020 election. but now, arizona officials say they can't find giuliani to serve him with the official indictment notice. rudy's missing? and not only that, but ru-dy-giu-li-ah-ni has the same number of syllables as "carmen sandiego," so i am legally obligated to make my band play this. ♪ well, he goes from ♪ ♪ bar to bar ♪ ♪ got his teeth ♪ ♪ from a dead horsey ♪ ♪ then he stumbles ♪ ♪ down the street ♪ ♪ while he farts ♪ ♪ and smokes cigars ♪ ♪ his best friends are a rat ♪ ♪ and a jug of carlo rossi ♪ ♪ tell me where in the world ♪ ♪ is... ♪ ♪ rudy giuliani ♪ [cheers and applause]
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>> stephen: actually it's surprising they can't find rudy because he hasn't exactly been discreet about his whereabouts. this is how he started his twitter livestream yesterday. >> good afternoon, this is rudy giuliani with "the rudy giuliani show" live from palm beach. yup, from palm beach, just a mile from mar-a-lago. just 40 steps from the intercoastal and about a third of a mile from the atlantic ocean. >> stephen: "if arizona prosecutors are watching, i'm 25 feet east of the chipotle off south dixie highway, across the street from a red toyota camry. i'm waving my hand out the window. do you see me? no? okay, i'll drop a pin. you'll know you've gone too far if you hit the atrrrantic ocean." we'll be right back with george stephanopoulos! this is remington. ...he's a member of the family, for sure. we always fed them kibble— it just seemed like the thing to do.
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♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody. welcome back. folks. my first guest tonight is an emmy-award winning journalist you know from "this week" and "good morning america." please welcome back to "the late show," george stephanopoulos. [cheers and applause]
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♪ ♪ george, it's always good to see you. >> george: great to be back. >> stephen: whenever i see your name and i get to talk to i think back to one of the first things i saw that got me interested in politics, the documentary "the war room." i get to say please welcome george stephanopoulos. that gives me a little thrill. >> george: it gives me a thrill to be here. >> stephen: excellent. we've got the book will talk about in the second. it's called "the situation room," literally about the situation room in the white house. >> george: not wolf blitzer. >> stephen: that would also be a great book. situation room 2. you know about elections but working for clinton, you are an advisor in the white house. here you are with clinton and gore. leon panetta. you spent 28 years reporting on
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politics, including the presidential elections. every election we say, this is the most important election of our lifetimes. >> george: cubit. he won this one feels like this is the most important one. >> george: beyond anything we've ever seen in our entire lives. go back to george washington who gave up the presidency, trying to set an example. >> stephen: i only do two. >> george: peaceful transfer of power. this is the first time we've ever had a former president, presidential candidate who tried to overturn the election, indicted for it and impeached for it. first time we've ever had a former president or president shall candidate who lies about the last election that he lost and refuses to pledge these going to accept the result if he loses again. >> stephen: and metastasize is that american heresy to everyone around him. >> george: creates all the disinformation gets people to come on board, has a whole army
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of neighbors who come on, even if they were critical of what happened january 6th 3 years ago. now come on and say it's not a big deal. it's okay. that's fundamental. peaceful transfer of power is what our democracy is about. it's the bedrock of our democracy. [applause] >> stephen: that must pose a challenge for you, say on "this week" when you have people on who you know are promulgating that kind of life and won't themselves at that they'll accept the results of the election this time. how does that change the way you interview people? >> george: have had a new rule and you can see it and the ones i've done over the last several months. those are going to be the first questions i ask every single time. do you accept the last election? [applause] why are you endorsing someone who refuses to accept the last election? why are you endorsing someone who's been indicted for trying to overturn the last election? if they can answer those questions, i'm not going to move
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on to tax policy, environmental policy or anything like that. >> stephen: that is the base code. you've interviewed donald trump multiple times. here's the two of you. i don't know why you decided to interview him back in one of those horse carriages in central park. but now you're being sued for defamation. >> george: because of an interview like that. i was interviewing a congresswoman named nancy mace. charleston, south carolina. she's famously started her political career in the statehouse which was in the statehouse talking about being a victim of rape. i asked her how she could be, as victim of rape, how could she support someone who has been found liable for rape. trump sued because i used the word rape even though a judge cited fact that's what did
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happen. we filed the motion to dismiss. she tried to say that i was the problem for asking the question rather than heaving the problem because a jury found him liable for defamation and sexual abuse. >> stephen: your major political reporter and anchor. how does it feel to be sued by a former president for defamation for just doing your job? >> george: unfortunately it now comes with the territory but i'm not going to be cowed out of doing my job because of a threat. [applause] >> stephen: you have also interviewed michael cohen multiple times. he actually shouted you out on the stand saying he changed his views on trump around the time of the 2018 interview. >> george: we were there the regency hotel.
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on 62nd street. >> stephen: what did you say to him? >> george: for the first times. i heard him say privately for several days and weeks what he has not been saying publicly for the last couple years. he said i am a stand-in. finally got to him. his loyalties were completely misplaced. he was a guy who ended up going to jail for donald trump. i used to be on the other side of his tirades for years. >> stephen: would he call and scream at you? >> george: all the time. >> stephen: for what? >> george: anything he didn't like. >> stephen: did you feel like you were giving the mouth of trump. >> george: the ultimate pit bull for donald trump and he's had it complete, complete conversion. >> stephen: the guy who used to say he would take a bullet for donald trump. and then somebody said it's going to come out of a gun. [laughter] and he went, i didn't know that. i thought i just got to take a boy. we have to take a quick break. we'lle right back with more george stephanopoulos,
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it's your time to cache in... so don't just play... stay at northern california's premier casino resort. book your getaway now... ...at cachecreek.com. ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody. we are back with the author of "the situation room," george stephanopoulos. let's talk about debates. you've moderated debates. >> george: i'm not going to be moderating this one. >> stephen: are you surprised? i was little surprise they were going to happen. i was surprised that biden would
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dignify trump by offering to meet him. >> george: i was surprised especially after you were talking about before, the chris wallace debate four years ago. the worst presidential debate in american history. i'm surprised it's going to happen again. interesting move by biden. kind about bold move. i do think the rules he's put in place could make a difference. >> stephen: i love them. no audience. in studio. when your time is up, the mind goes off. that's a loss of power. >> george: it'll be interesting to see, i know both sides have accepted now. i wonder if it the end of the day if those rules are really in place. i think those rules are essential. >> stephen: would you want to moderate the debate? >> george: oh, sure. [laughs] >> stephen: will be your first question to both men?
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what is a question they would both have to answer. >> george: who won the last election. [cheering] i hope that's the first que question. >> stephen: the new book, the new book is called, as i said before, "the situation room." it's about how presidents have used the situation room in moments of crisis. before we get into it, we hear the name a lot. what exactly is the situation room? >> george: it's a series of rooms in the basement of the white house. created by john f. kennedy in 1961. bay of pigs, the failed invasion of cuba. he was really pissed off at the cia and the joint chiefs. he wanted his own stream of information. >> stephen: he thought it was being filtered in the way. >> george: sets up the situation room after the bay of pigs it's been the white house ever since. it's changed a lot. i work for president clinton even up time that i was there in the '90s there was nothing to
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look at. it was like a conference room in the poconos. and now -- >> stephen: had a heart-shaped tab? >> george: it did. i got to see it last august just before they revealed the renovation. now it blows you away. >> stephen: everything the government has an abbreviation or nickname, secretary of defense is secdef. >> george: in my time, the secdef was in the sitting room and now the secdef is in the whsr. i didn't like either. still check until i started doing this book i called a decent room. the end of bush, george w. bush or beginning of obama administration, the younger kids started to call it "wizzer." i can't do it.
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>> stephen: you say how presidents handles themselves in the situation room says a lot about the presidency. how many people did you talk to, how many different administrations? >> george: i talked to about 120 people. the patriots of the patriots in the united states government, the most impressive people. >> stephen: they are always down there? >> george: one guided 24-hour shift. he would work one day and take two days off. only work 12-hour shifts. it's manned 24/7, 365 days a year. they are the front lines. >> stephen: the president can pick up the phone and say -- >> george: he does. most presidents call down. johnson called down all the time. that's the interesting thing about former president trump, he hardly used it. i found on as i was researching he and one of the most unusual tasks ever required for the situation. he would have them collect not
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tapes about was going on in the news but have them collect the chiron's, the banners that go across the bottom of the screen for news programs, mostly from fox news. >> st>> stephen: "navy seals in iran" or something. >> george: that's what he wanted collected. brought up to his office. i have no idea why. that's what he paid attention to. >> stephen: you talked to 120 people through these administrations, what's the craziest meeting ever in the situation room. >> george: far and away a meeting with jimmy carter. i saw one line in his diary from may 8, 1980. "have a meeting the situation room about parapsychology. longitude, latitude, et cetera." i saw parapsychology and the situation room and i do everything with my team that i possibly could to find out what happened. >> stephen: that means psychics? speedway found a guy named jake stewart, his naval aid, he told the most amazing story. to set the scene may of 1980,
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two weeks after the failed rescue mission to get all the iran hostages. jimmy carter's presidency is crippled. he calls jake stewart along with the first lady, big believer in psychics. a guy named jerry geller. the guy who used to bend spoons. jake stewart gave him a 45 and a briefing on called operation grove flame which was actually a u.s. government program, cia, dia in the 1970s, '80s were they used psychics who would sit in dark rooms and they did remote viewing, imagining what's happening around the world and trying to anticipate events. they were trying, he was trying, the end of the 45 minutes, carter didn't say a word. took out his notepad and wrote one word. on the notepad and slid it across the table. the word was "hostages." he said can you do anything? he was hoping that somehow these remote viewers could tell them
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where the hostages were so they might be able to do in the rescue operation. of course it didn't work but that's how desperate he was. >> stephen: and that's in here? well, george, thank you so much for being here. "the situation room" is available now. george stephanopoulos, everybody. we'll be right back with comedian michelle buteau. f: axe. brandon: i like that. shareef: reminds me of like a designer store. brandon: this smells like a candle. shareef: is this a joke? you chose axe! brandon: i knew i had good taste! shareef: i thought that was a designer brand. looking for a smarter way to mop? try the swiffer powermop. ♪♪ an all-in-one cleaning tool that gives you a mop and bucket clean in half the time ♪♪ our cleaning pad has hundreds of scrubbing strips that absorb and lock dirt away, ♪♪ and it has a 360-degree swivel head that goes places a regular mop just can't. so, you can clean your home, faster than ever.
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♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back. to the show, ladies and gentlemen or less. my next guest tonight is a stand-up comedian who co-created and stars in the netflix series "survival of the thickest." she now stars in the new movie "babes." please welcome to "the late show," michelle buteau. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ you can move. you can move, baby. >> michelle: we are ready for "dancing with the stars," honey.
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>> stephen: that's next. i will have george set it up at abc. michelle buteau, you have a lot going on. got the movie, stand-up comedy tour. you have your own series on netflix "survival of the thickest." i assume it must be good to the michelle buteau. >> michelle: it feels good but it always felt good. i think the most important opinion you're ever going to have is the one you have of yourself. i'm really out of breath. give me a gatorade. even though i'm doing all these things, i've always been doing these things but for no money. because i love it. >> stephen: i did that. >> michelle: now i'm getting paid. you know. >> stephen: like that money. water. you need some water? >> michelle: i need a downward dog. i'm so good. so happy to be here. my mom loves you. she is more excited about this in my wedding. she flew up from florida to watch the kids and she's like, you know what, can i come to the show? i have no babysitter my mom is
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here and my kids are in the green room. >> stephen: where is your mom? is she here? where is your mom? >> michelle: where is she? stand up. >> stephen: stand up, mom! >> michelle: there you are. there's my mom and my husband. [cheers and applause] and that's my husband. we just love you because you're so funny. >> stephen: that's so nice. >> michelle: you speak truth to power in it so important. >> stephen: she sounds like a wonderful woman. >> michelle: she is we are related. >> stephen: i'm going to be a comedian. how did you get your start? what was the spark? you went, yep, i'll do that. there is no known path. it's much easier to go "i'll be an actor." >> michelle: i guess. it depends on who you are. for me i always wanted to be an entertainment reporter but i wanted to wear shoulder pads like mary hart and john tesch back in the day, deliver the news about liza minnelli. >> stephen: [laughs] i would love that. >> michelle: i'm a little old,
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i age well. don't worry about it. the point is, i went to school for tv production i've told my professor i wanted to be an entertainment reporter and he legitimately told me that i was just too fat to be on camera. this was in the late '90s so i didn't question it because i didn't see anyone like me. so i went down the production route. i edited and field produce and everyone kept saying you should do comedy, you're so funny. i would look at comedians and shows and they seem so sad and broke. i am happy. i like money. i started right after 9/11. i was like wow, people are dying so i should start living. >> stephen: oh, good for you. how did you start off? acting, improv, stand up? >> michelle: straight up stand up and i took a class at american company institute. my first joke, it's good. do you all want to hear it? the first joke i ever wrote was
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lines at disney world remind me of my ex-boyfriend. three hours of waiting for a two minute ride. oh! can i get a -- can i get two? [drum flourish] >> stephen: are you available? we've got to work on our timing. next month you're going to make history a few blocks from here at radio city. >> michelle: i will be taping my second netflix special at radio city music hall and i'll be the first woman to ever taper comedy special there. [cheering] >> stephen: nicely done. that is a big stage. i've been on that stage. >> michelle: it's a big stage, big deal. >> stephen: you've got to run to the center of that stage. >> michelle: i'm excited i am like, why am i the first woman? what is happened before? so i feel like i can be funny as the day is long but if you have a platform, use it.
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so i just want other comedians that are coming up in the game, black, brown, fat, quuer whoever you are, once you dream it, you can live it. that's why i'm doing this crazy show so come to my show june 6 and bring twoof your friends! if you've got 2,000 friends. >> stephen: you are starring in the new movie with ilana glazer, "babes." what's the movie about? before we go to a clip. >> michelle: it's a hilarious comedy that elana cowrote with josh rabinowitz and it's about pregnancy, adulthood, real-life, its a rom-com to friendship. what happens when you were different ways in your life but you know this person forever. your chosen family. it's really, really funny. you guys, my god, you're welcome. >> stephen: do we need to know anything about this clip? >> michelle: you just need to know that it's funny and i am pregnant and it. let's go. >> don't go far, we might need second space vehicle no problem. looks like you had a spill.
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>> no, just some drip edge. i'm in labor. congratulations to me. >> in the movie since i got monsoon but in real life it can be trickles. >> the water will keep coming. don't worry about cleaning it up a-determiner >> i will definitely need to tell my boss that. it's fluid. people eating. who knows what's in the fluid. >> are you the gordon ramsay of my [bleep]? why do you hate women? i need more chocolate most. >> i wonder in what off broadway play he's in. [applause] >> stephen: i assume, i assume that your own parenting has informed your performance here. >> michelle: it definitely has. >> stephen: how old are your kids? >> michelle: 5-year-old twins. hi, hazel. jaime, otis. i love you. keep coloring and say please and thank you. 5-year-old twins. i play a tired mom of two who definitely has it all.
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her partners very supportive but still there something missing. your tired, you don't have time for yourself. 5-year-old twins who have never felt closer to a presidential term my whole life. five years of doing something. i am greater than i was. half the house hates me. it's insane but it's the best job ever been especially because they are so beautiful. it would be really hard if they were ugly. >> stephen: sometimes they are. that's really heartbreaking when your kid is not cute. >> michelle: but on the inside. i'm not going to be that shallow on national tv. [laughs] [laughter] >> stephen: "babes" opens in theaters this friday. michelle -- michelle buteau, everybody. we'll be right back.
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♪ ♪
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>> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when david letterman will take the colbert questionert. now stick around for taylor tomlinson and panelists colton dunn, jess mckenna, and ana gasteyer. good night!

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