Skip to main content

tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  May 13, 2024 11:35pm-12:38am PDT

11:35 pm
thomas. >> the groan after she read thomas' name. so the issue was the speaker was reading the phonetic spellings off after flash cards, which even that is, you know, kind of a stretch. she eventually stopped and reset after someone pointed out the error. the school issued a heartfelt apology on social media. >> at first i thought, was she medicated? >> is she having an episode? it's a nursing school. they could check quick. >> as someone who reads names i've never seen before, i feel for her, i do, but sometimes the phonetic spellings that put >> over the weekend, donald trump held a rally at the jersey shore. >> it was held on a beach off the jersey shore right off of a boardwalk. ♪ ♪
11:36 pm
>> let's go to the jersey shore! >> hot dogs. let's talk about hot dogs. i just had one, actually. >> first day in jersey, just something crazy goes down. >> the late, great hannibal lecter is a wonderful man. >> what the [bleep] is going on? >> take me in, oh tender woman. take me in, for heaven's sake. >> if you want to make out with me, just ask. >> we have a much bigger crowd than bruce springsteen. >> he's such a flagrant... [laughs] toxic narcissist. >> i only do this when i feel really comfortable with the crowd. >> dude, your vagina is out. >> we love this shore. i know this shore better than most people that are here. >> shut the [bleep] up! >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert"! tonight... it's cohen down for real! plus, stephen welcomes steve carrell and musical guest paul simon. featuring louis cato and "the late show" band. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city,
11:37 pm
it's stephen colbert! [cheers and applause] >> stephen: hey! ♪ ♪ have a good show. thank you, everybody. please have a seat, ladies and gentlemen. welcome. welcome one and all through the "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. and you are here for a very special show because tonight is my 60th birthday! fun fact: i am now the same age that ian mckellen was when he was cast as gandalf. and i feel fine about that. he was gandalf the grey. i am stephen the very white.
11:38 pm
in honor of my birthday, this weekend, the skies all over the northern hemisphere were lit up by the aurora borealis. so beautiful. this extra vivid display was caused by a massive solar storm in which large, explosive bursts from the sun started slamming into the earth. or to put that in layman's terms: god was on shrooms, and was hankerin' for a little laser zeppelin. the lights were so bright they could be seen as far south as florida, where governor desantis immediately banned the sky for displaying a pride flag. [cheering] desantis fans! oh, i also got my birthday wish: donald trump is still on trial. this week... what week is this? three, four? this is four. this is week four of testimony in his "faking business records to cover up bangin' a porn star trial," featuring star witness,
11:39 pm
former fixer and silly putty who isn't feeling that silly these days, michael cohen. cohen's testimony is essential to proving the prosecution's case because he served as the middle man in the alleged $130,000 hush money payment to stormy daniels. now, you never wanna be the middle man between your boss and a porn star. sure, it sounds titillating when they ask, but eventually, it's a tangle of limbs and you're just kind of watching. but there's a challenge for the prosecution. cohen's been attacking his former boss online, posting insulting tiktok livestreams, where he has discussed trump, the ongoing trial, and the testimony already underway, which is not great. but it's not the worst online behavior by a former trump associate. that title goes to steve bannon's only fans. now... [laughter]
11:40 pm
when he took the stand this morning, cohen testified that before trump's 2015 presidential announcement, trump told him: "just be prepared. there's going to be a lot of women coming forward." "mickey, be warned, you're going to have to pay karen, stormy, dusty, misty, cristy, crispy, crunchy, crinkly, and gristly. and of course one married woman: mrs. butterworth. that was my true love. sweet lady. also very buttery." then we got to the porn stariness of it all. remember: trump's whole defense is "i never slept with stormy daniels, and i didn't pay her to be quiet. michael cohen paid her to be quiet because he's such a great guy who i hope is torn apart by wild dogs, and i only paid him what i thought were legal fees. and if i did anything at all,
11:41 pm
i did everything i did, which i didn't do, to protect my wife from finding out the things i never did." [cheers and applause] never, always. and sometimes. here we go. cohen's testimony today was terrible for trump. according to cohen, after the "access hollywood" tape came out, they found out stormy daniels was also shopping her story around. cohen testified: "trump said to me, this is a disaster. total disaster. women are going to hate me. guys may think it's cool, but this is going to be a disaster for the campaign. unless, unless everyone finds out about it someday and learns all the dirty details, goes on trial, i sit there, sleeping and farting, then somehow it's good for my campaign." and as far as this affecting his marriage goes, according to cohen, trump wasn't worried
11:42 pm
about melania leaving him, saying: "don't worry. how long do you think i'll be on the market for? not long." [booing] coincidentally, "not long," is how stormy described it. [cheering] it's my birthday! it's my birthday joke! but it's true. he would be off the market soon. i mean, he's clearly past his expiration date. he'd be playin' the field. "i'm gonna be all over the apps. tinder, bumble, seamless, grubhub. ladies. delivery is free, but guac is extra!" trump held a rally at the jersey shore this weekend and did exactly what you're supposed to do at the jersey shore: hang out with friends, try to forget about your upcoming court dates, and never go in the water. it all happened in the town of wildwood, which, if you've never been there before, imagine if a bootleg "rick and morty" shirt was somehow a place.
11:43 pm
in his speech, trump addressed the number one issue for voters: a 33-year-old movie. >> "silence of the lamb." has anyone ever seen it? >> stephen: oh, i love "silence of the lamb." it's one of my favorite movie, right up there with "star war," "dance with wolf," and "jaw." [cheers and applause] sure. guac is extra. he went on. >> "silence of the lambs"? the late, great hannibal lecter. he's a wonderful man. he oftentimes would have a friend for dinner. but hannibal lecter, congratulations, the late, great hannibal lecter. >> stephen: late, great? in none of the stories does hannibal lecter die, and sir anthony hopkins is very much still alive. does trump just think a character dies
11:44 pm
when he turns off the tv? "well, another great episode of wheel. rest in peace. the late, great pat sajak. we'll always remember how much you loved the alphabet. congratulations. you are dead." all of this, all of this. [applause] this stuff is all part of trump's demonizing immigrants and claiming that other countries are sending mentally ill people to the border. he helpfully broke the situation down. >> the mentalinstitution population is down because they're taking people from insane asylums and from mental institution -- you know what the difference is, right? an insane asylum is a mental institution on steroids. >> stephen: oh, yeah. yeah. there's definitely a ranking system. it goes mental institution, insane asylum, nut house, looney bin, booby hatch, rfk jr.
11:45 pm
[applause] wildwood got wild-weirder because trump then brought up this important issue. >> hot dogs. let's talk about hot dogs. i just had one, actually. frank sinatra told me a long time ago, "never eat before you perform." i said "i'm not performing. i'm a politician, if you can believe it." but i just had the best hot dog so i said, "frank, i'm sorry." [laughter] >> stephen: frank sinatra has been dead since the late '90s. was he talking to the late, great frank sinatra or directly to an all-beef frank? "frank, i'm so sorry. oh, god. the massacre."
11:46 pm
[applause] trump then moved on to his tax plan and made just as much sense. >> instead of a biden tax hike, i'll give you a trump middle class, upper class, lower class, business class big tax cut. >> stephen: ran out of classes there, didn't ya? "i'm talking lower class, business class, first class, delta one, comfort plus. we love comfort plus, don't we? sounds like it would be a streaming service, but it's not. comfort plus. it's a chair. exit row! you get more leg room but it's also a job. you got the door. you gotta take care of the door. will you take the door off? i don't know, what's in it for me? not die? you drive a hard bargain. i love the slide." trump also took some time to reminisce about his family. >> i had a father, he was great.
11:47 pm
my mother was great. they're looking down now, they're up there in heaven, definitely in heaven. >> stephen: "they're up there with the late, great, hannibal lecter. probably enjoying hello, dad. probably enjoying a nice dinner together. congratulations, hannibal, you ate my dad. what an honor. say hi to pat sajak for me." of course, yesterday was also mother's day, so he sent a special message to his special lady. >> i also want to say happy mother's day to all the moms in america and especially to my wife, melania. i'll be home in a little while. >> stephen: ooh, just when she was having such a nice mother's day. we got a great show for you tonight! my guest is steve carell and later, we've got a performance by paul simon. stick around.
11:48 pm
[cheers and applause] >> announcer: "the late show with stephen colbert" sponsored by new terms, he bites. heartburn relief in every yummy gummy bite.
11:49 pm
11:50 pm
11:51 pm
( ♪♪ ) you made a cow! actually it's a piggy bank. my inspiration to start saving. how about a more solid way to save?
11:52 pm
i'm listening. well, bmo helps get your savings habit into shape with a cash reward every month you save. both: cash reward? and there's a cash bonus when you open a new checking account to get you started. wow. anything you can't do? ( ♪♪ ) mugs. ♪ bmo ♪
11:53 pm
[cheers and applause] >> stephen: hey, everybody. give it up for louis cato and "the late show" band, everybody. you guys. you are the only birthday present i need. folks, as you probably figured out, because i keep mentioning it, like i did just now. today is my birthday. [cheering] thank you thank you. and as i mentioned, this is a big one. 60. it's the kind of milestone that makes you reflect. but i have to say, i think aging is a good thing. >> steve: you are wrong, stephen! [cheering] >> stephen: what's that? my good friend steve carell? steve, i was just explaining to the good people here that i
11:54 pm
believe that growing older is actually wonderful. >> steve: and i was just shocked to hear how wrong you were. >> stephen: hmm. it seems like we're at an impasse, a disagreement. >> steve: interesting. it kind of reminds me of that long-running debate segment we did on "the daily show," "even stevphen." >> stephen: yes it does! what say we settle this the old fashioned way? >> steve: pistols at dawn! >> stephen: i was thinking "even stevphen." >> steve: mmm, i still like the pistol idea... but sure, let's do it! you just made me vomit in my own mouth. what's the weather liek up your own ass? tonight's topic: aging. is it good? >> steve: no, it isn't. >> stephen: yes, it is. >> steve: no. >> stephen: yes.
11:55 pm
>> steve: no! stephen, we are born astride a grave, and each day, the cruel grasp of time pulls us closer to oblivion. you will never be younger than you are in this moment, and let's face it, my friend: you haven't aged well. >> stephen: wrong as usual, steve. age ripens us like a fine wine, because with age comes experience, with experience comes wisdom, and with wisdom comes the ability to see you for what you are: a sad, dumb idiot. >> steve: stephen, if you're so wise, you should know that the best years are behind you. you're just speeding toward the next exit on the highway of life: incontinence city. population: your pants. for all we know, it's already happened. how come you never get up from behind this desk? >> stephen: steve, i just did
11:56 pm
the monologue right over there! >> steve: you were younger then. we haven't seen you stand in minutes. you're decaying before our eyes, grampa. can you still hear me, stephen? do you know who i am? >> stephen: oh, yes, i recognize you. you're kirkland brand ricky gervais. steve, aging is a reward for a life well lived. at 60, walking counts as exercise, i can pull my pants up as high as i want, and no one judges me for eating dinner at 4:30. my dessert is three more hours of daylight. >> steve: the only thing bigger than your denial is the font on your phone, old man! >> stephen: you're older than i am! steve, you're 61. >> steve: shut up! >> stephen: there's nothing wrong with being 61. >> steve: yes, there is! do you know what happens to men in hollywood after they turn 60? they pair us with women in their 30s. 30s, stephen!
11:57 pm
>> stephen: so sorry. i had no idea... and i thought at this point you worked mainly with minions. [cheers and applause] >> steve: ha-ha, stephen.& good one! i didn't know you were allowed to tell jokes on this show. i better alert the network you've gone rogue! hello, cbs... see, that's how old i am. i still do this to signify a phone. hey, cbs, come quick! there's something wrong with your oldest sheldon! >> stephen: i'm very happy with this job, steve. i get to talk to some of the most famous and fascinating people in the world. and on other nights, i get to talk to you. >> steve: i'm sorry if i'm not as exciting as a paid integration with nissan or the 4:00 p.m. anchor on msnbc!
11:58 pm
>> stephen: she has a name, steve! and i don't know what it is. just admit it, carrel. of all people, you should be grateful for every passing year. each one adding more distance between you and "welcome to marwen." >> steve: not all of us have the gravitas to be cast in "the love guru." >> stephen: says the guy who was in the 2005 "bewitched" movie! >> steve: we were both in that movie! >> stephen: okay, that one is a draw. but you know what, steve? i am grateful for aging, because i'm grateful for my growth. why would i want to live in the past, where you and i were forced to share an office at a little cable show, where we could explore our comedic voices late into the night, basking in the joy of discovery as we'd passionately argue two, sometimes three times a week. i don't need that anymore. in fact, i like it that these days, we argue at most once a year. usually on my birthday.
11:59 pm
when you stop by for a pity fight. >> steve: wait. is that what this is all about? do you miss arguing with me? are you worried that the spark has gone out? >> stephen: well, it's just that as we get older, it is a little harder to get your anger up. [laughter] >> steve: stephen, it's okay. we may not argue as much as we used to, but that doesn't make it any less sweet when we do. >> stephen: so you think as we get older, our relationship changes but maybe it also deepens? >> steve: no. >> stephen: wait a second.
12:00 am
are you just saying no to be argumentative? >> steve: yes. >> stephen: wait a second. did we just disagree twice in one night? >> steve: sure did, buddy. >> stephen: we still got it. >> steve: and stephen, i will always be here for you. >> stephen: promise? >> steve: yes, absolutely. anytime i have something to promote. >> stephen: thanks, steve. that means a lot coming from [cheers and applause] thanks, steve. that means a lot coming from an elder. >> steve: by like a year! >> stephen: tick tock, my friend. >> steve: happy birthday, you dusty hag! >> stephen: thank you, you hideous crone. we'll be right back with very old man steve carell! ♪ [song playing - here comes the hotstepper by ini kamoze] ♪
12:01 am
man: ooh! ♪ ♪ ♪ woman 1: haha! woman 2: hmm hmm! ♪ woman 3: ha ha! ♪ geico can help when you're locked out with their easy app and 24/7 help. dad, you don't have to make this so tough on yourself. geico is sending someone to unlock our car right now. yeah, but where's the fun in that? whatever you need, get more with geico. all set guys, here are your keys! to help protect from hiv, i prep without pills. with apretude, a prescription medicine used to reduce the risk of hiv without daily prep pills. with one shot every other month, just 6 times a year. in studies, apretude was proven superior to a daily prep pill
12:02 am
in reducing the risk of hiv. you must be hiv negative, to receive apretude and get tested before each injection. if you think you were exposed to hiv or have flu-like symptoms, tell your doctor right away. apretude does not prevent other sexually transmitted infections. practice safer sex to reduce your risk. don't take apretude if you're allergic to it or taking certain medicines, as they may interact. tell your doctor if you've had liver or kidney problems or mental health concerns. if you have a rash or other allergic reactions, stop apretude and get medical help right away. serious side effects include allergic reactions, liver problems, and depression. some of the most common side effects include injection-site reactions and headache. you must receive apretude as scheduled. ask your doctor about long-acting apretude. and prep without pills. save at apretude.com. (marci) so, how long have you lived here? and prep without pills. (opponent) over forty years. (marci) and how are the restaurants around here? are they good, bad, meh? what's the average household income? is there a mall? i don't know. a hair salon? where do you get your hair done? (opponent) you gonna move, or what? (marci) oh, i'm sorry. it's a lovely neighborhood.
12:03 am
(luke) marci, we've gotta go. (marci) i'm coming! (luke) we've got seventeen thousand more parks to visit. (marci) you wanna give me a hand? (luke) we bring you the best neighborhood info. (vo) ding dong! homes-dot-com. no two bodies are the same. some pads, never got that message. but, always flexfoam did! it protects against different flows for up to zero leaks. and it flexes to fit all bodies, for up to zero feel. feel it yourself with always flexfoam. we really don't want people to think of feeding food like ours is spoiling their dogs. good, real food is simple. it looks like food, it smells like food, it's what dogs are supposed to be eating. no living being should ever eat processed food for every single meal of their life. it's amazing to me how many people write in about their dogs changing for the better. the farmer's dog is just our way to help people take care of them. ♪
12:04 am
12:05 am
[cheers and applause] >> stephen: playing the greatest. playing the greatest hits. welcome back, everybody. ladies and gentlemen, you know my first guest
12:06 am
because he's steve carell! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> steve: happy birthday to you. >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you for your very kind to be here. they asked me, who would you want as a guest? steve carell will be fun but i know he's in town doing broadway. we'll ask. >> steve: and i said yes instantly. >> stephen: so lovely. your one night off to be here. >> steve: oh, my gosh. i wouldn't miss it. >> stephen: to slum it. >> steve: he's the best guy. >> stephen: that took 25 seconds. iron apology. the last time you were here, 18 months ago, you had just
12:07 am
celebrated her 60th birthday at all think maybe i was as gracious as i could've been. jim, we have a clip. hey, speaking of the march of time, happy birthday. >> steve: thanks. thanks for bringing it up. fantastic. >> stephen: i bring it up. we are basically the same age, right? but you are 16 now. >> steve: i am. >> stephen: your 60. >> steve: i am. >> stephen: i don't want to brag but i'm in my mid-50s. 58. that's somewhere in the middle. >> steve: late men. >> stephen: did you need supplemental oxygen to come out here? >> steve: a little bit. no, i'm doing fine. >> stephen: i'm sure. will please accept my apology. i didn't realize. >> steve: i don't know, man. that was pretty hard. >> stephen: is there anything about being 60 that you like?
12:08 am
your 61 now. oh, my god. what am i saying? i'll tell you what i like about it. that is slowly my age is catching up with my physique. >> steve: [laughs] jan, it's great. i don't have a problem. what are you going to do? you do it, you get old. whatever. >> stephen: i am thrilled that you are back in new york. you're a big movie and tv star. you are a thespian. you've done a lot of stage work. we were on stage together. you're making your broadway debut playing the titular role in "uncle vanya." at the vivian beaumont theater at lincoln center. this of course, i love this. this right here. that's the moment, get a close-up. let's why it's so sad, he snaps his fingers. how did this come about? did you wake up one day? you know it, time for some
12:09 am
checkoff? >> steve: it's a dream, obviously, to perform on broadway. i got a call and they were interested in having me play this part. i had waited because i didn't want to do it when my kids were little. it's a big time commitment. yu have mondays off. you can't go back and forth. there is no going back to visit. it seemed like the right time to do something like this. it's been thrilling, really fun. >> stephen: people don't realize. it's russian and its chekov. it sounds very serious. beautiful stories, beautiful characterizations, really relevant to our present human heart but chekov is also funny. >> steve: he is. he described this as a comedy in the first act at a tragedy by the fourth act but there's a lot of humor in it. >> stephen: chekov and ibsen, over 100 years ago, why do you think it still feels like it could have been written yesterday? >> steve: it really does.
12:10 am
themes are relevant. the ecology and climate change, women's rights. all of these things that at that time my not have been on everybody's lips but now they certainly are. he was way, way ahead. he was relatable because he writes characters that are relatable in this day and age and family situations are relatable in this day and age. >> stephen: as i was saying before, you and i were on stage in chicago doing live theater for years together at second city. [cheering] 350 seat house. 325, something like that. nice sized but cabaret seating. what is this experience now to be back in front of a live audience for the first time in a long time. how does that compare -- obviously it's a broadway audience. doesn't have cocktail waitresses. >> steve: it is a discerning audience to be sure but it was remarkably similar in terms of
12:11 am
getting on stage. >> stephen: do they yell out suggestions? >> steve: they do. >> stephen: proctologist! >> steve: similar in terms of the muscle memory of an on stage and doing it again. it have been many, many years since i done anything on stage. my question is, when are you going to do broadway? [cheers and applause] and when are we going to do a broadway show? >> stephen: what would we do? >> steve: i think we do the odd couple. [cheering] but here's my thought. but we both play felix. >> stephen: and jon stewart plays oscar. and we switch off playing felix. >> steve: every time we make an entrance, it's a different one. somebody right now is saying "that might work." i'd pay for that. >> stephen: i love doing the set, second city back of the day. we would do the show, to our
12:12 am
show. we were doing our improv. anything could happen. what were some -- was her favorite thing about doing that? did you love that? >> steve: i love doing his head because you could go down in flames but everyone would support each other. we have this game, if a scene, if improv was not going well, the more of shame was to get off. it was stay on and go down with the ship. >> stephen: you've got to love the balm. >> steve: love the bomb. it was part of the phone. >> stephen: avon when the stage manager pulled the lights, when they come back up, stay there. was that an eclipse? was that. >> steve: we have to keep torturing this audience with this terrible improvisation. >> stephen: you do that for a while. eventually it gets good again. no. >> steve: never. >> we have to take a quick break but don't go anywhere. we'll be right back with more
12:13 am
steve carell, everybody. wow. -incredible, isn't it? -yeah. well, with your home, auto, boat and rv all bundled with progressive you've got the peace of mind to really wander. yeah. yeah, i just hope it stays this way. once word gets out about these places they tend to -- -are you done? -aaand there it is. well, at least your vehicles are protected. let's hit the road. hey fam! i'm just at this beautiful lake that i just discovered. practicing gratitude, manifesting abundance. best food's real mayonnaise... every dollop is so rich and creamy it makes any sandwich delicious mmm. irresistible! best food's mayonnaise
12:14 am
♪♪ are you tired of your hair breaking after waiting years for it to grow? meet new pantene pro-v miracles. with our highest concentration of pro-vitamins yet, infused with ingredients like biotin & collagen. strengthens hair bonds and repairs as well as the leading luxury brand without the $60 price tag. for stronger, healthier hair. ♪♪ if you know, you know it's pantene. ♪♪ ♪ i have type 2 diabetes, but i manage it well ♪ ♪ jardiance! ♪ ♪ it's a little pill with a big story to tell ♪ ♪ i take once-daily jardiance ♪ ♪ at each day's start! ♪ ♪ as time went on it was easy to see ♪ ♪ i'm lowering my a1c! ♪ jardiance works twenty-four seven in your body to flush out some sugar. and for adults with type 2 diabetes and known heart disease, jardiance can lower the risk of cardiovascular death, too.
12:15 am
serious side effects may include ketoacidosis that may be fatal, dehydration that can lead to sudden worsening of kidney function, and genital yeast or urinary tract infections. a rare, life-threatening bacterial infection in the skin of the perineum could occur. stop jardiance and call your doctor right away if you have symptoms of this infection ketoacidosis, or an allergic reaction. you may have an increased risk for lower limb loss. call your doctor right away if you have symptoms of infection in your legs or feet. taking jardiance with a sulfonylurea or insulin may cause low blood sugar. ♪ jardiance is really swell ♪ ♪ the little pill ♪ ♪ with a big story to tell! ♪ (vo) it's shrimp your way. choose three flavors for just $20*.♪ the little pill ♪ like new street corn shrimp. and our famous garlic shrimp scampi. it's time to grab some cheddar bays and get flavorfull. hurry in to try shrimp your way,
12:16 am
only at red lobster.
12:17 am
>> stephen: hey, we are back with the star of "uncle vanya" at lincoln center's vivian beaumont theater, mr. steve carell. you're leaving straight from here to go to the premiere of a new movie called "if." john krasinski wrote and directed, our friend john
12:18 am
krasinski. it's imaginary friends, that's what "if" is pretty play an imaginary friend called blue. right there. >> steve: exactly! that's exactly the reaction we wanted. >> stephen: is it just like playing "uncle vanya"? any similarities? >> steve: it's so close. >> stephen: you knew john krasinski for years at "the office." he directed some episodes. >> steve: he's a great director. this is a special movie. >> stephen: is at the same now that he is mr. "quiet place" famous director? >> steve: he's a little bit weird now but mostly the same. he's great. he was a great director on "the office." he's -- reading the script for his original script for "if" was like reading a novel. it's so descriptive any paints these beautiful pictures and then you see it and it all comes
12:19 am
to light. it's kind of incredible. >> stephen: i'm sold. i am in. >> steve: is excellent. >> stephen: speaking of the office, it's been announced and it's official, hollywood reporter. it says "office" follow-up gets peacock series order. >> steve: it's happening. >> stephen: it's a spin-off of "the office," but it doesn't take place in pennsylvania. >> steve: i don't know what -- midwest somewhere. >> stephen: midwest someplace. i do want to point out that your character michael at the end of the office was moving to colorado. you have to go through the midwest to get to colorado. people are asking. obviously online, it's blowing up. will steve carell make an appearance -- it's funny to you but not funny
12:20 am
to anyone else. >> steve: i love the term "it's blowing up." >> stephen: it is. >> steve: isn't really blowing up? >> stephen: you are delulu if you don't think it's blowing up. you don't know what that means? you lack all rizz. is there any chance steve carell shows up in this spin-off of "the office." >> oh. >> steve: but may be. >> stephen: that's what we call of exclusive, my friend. we're going to take a little break right here but don't you go away and don't you go away because that's steve carell and he'll be back when you get back. with extra pickles, a side of fries and a hi-c at home? don't be ridiculous. ♪
12:21 am
ok, someone just did laundry... no, i add downy light so the freshness really lasts. yeah, most scented stuff gives me a headache, but this is just right. and i don't like anything. but i like this. get a light scent that lasts with no heavy perfumes or dyes. ( ♪ ♪ ) [ em beihold's "good day" begins ] with meet the newfumes target circle, the easiest way to get more target. that means automatic deals when you join for free. that's the new target circle. (gasp) more cookies! yeah! [ "good day" ends ] "9 out of 10 people don't get enough fiber" benefiber is the easy, gentle solution for every day. its plant-based prebiotic fiber nourishes good bacteria in your gut working with your body to promote digestive health. with so many ways to enjoy, benefiber is your fiber, your way. [ "la donna" by vechi playing ] benefiber is your fiber, george, can you turn the music off? george? george! [ phone ringing ] george, can you get that? george! agh!
12:22 am
george. hello george, can you mute the music? [ id.4 voice assistant ] alright. [ music stops ] thank you, george. for what? ♪ ♪
12:23 am
[inner voice] is it menopause or something else? the menopause journey has stages. learn about yours with clearblue menopause stage indicator that tracks your fsh hormone levels combining them with your cycle data. what's your menopause stage?
12:24 am
it's your time to cache in... at northern california's premier casino resort. book your getaway now... ...at cachecreek.com.
12:25 am
[cheers and applause] >> stephen: look at that. we are back with the star of "uncle vanya" at lincoln center's vivian beaumont theater, steve carell. you see jon stewart ever? you ever talk to him? >> steve: [groans] >> stephen: 100%. we had to move him out of the desk. we had to evict him from the desk. "i have no place to go." >> steve: we celebrated him. >> stephen: the kennedy center mark twain award. he's back and doing monday's over there. >> steve: i know, it's great. >> stephen: would you ever want to go, just show up in the
12:26 am
middle of taping? >> steve: why aren't you moving your lips? >> stephen: because if we don't move our lips, jon won't know were going to do this. what if we just show up and do a bit at the desk and don't tell him are going to do it. we should probably cut this out. >> steve: i would do that in the second. >> stephen: seriously, i would love to do a play with you. that would be so fun. to get back to that earlier subject. ha ha but really that would be fun. but if we did a musical together. what if we played simon and garfunkel? paul simon is the musical guest tonight. we could ask him. we both play paul simon and jon place art garfunkel. jon stewart, voice of an angel. voice of an angel. >> steve: [laughs] i would love to see jon stewart doing musical. [laughs] >> stephen: ♪ when you're
12:27 am
weary ♪ >> steve: i don't know if he has seen a musical. i would work with you at any time in any way. >> stephen: thank you. i have some bricks to move in my backyard. i still think of myself kind of the age that you and i were when we met. 24, 25. i moved into a new apartment on friday. we got there in the elevator broke. it turned into a six floor walk-up. i carried one box. >> steve: 60 times. [laughs] >> stephen: i sat down at the top and i said "just tell the guys i'll pay them more." i can't do this. it was truly humbling, truly humbling. you never know because you and i are pristine examples. >> steve: you look fantastic. >> stephen: you look amazing. >> steve: you're amazing. >> stephen: no.
12:28 am
>> steve: for a man your age. dorian gray. >> stephen: is that what you call men? dorian gray, that's the color? >> steve: that's this shade. [laughter] >> stephen: the makeup they put on me is called "wish on a monkey's paw." >> steve: again, somebody somewhere is writing this down. these are products we will see tomorrow. >> stephen: my dear friend, so lovely to see you again. a wonderful present to me. >> steve: have a birthday. >> stephen: thank you very much. my best to nancy. "uncle vanya" is at lincoln center's vivian beaumont theater through june 16th and "if" is in theaters this friday. it's mr. steve carell, everybody! we'll be right back with a performance by paul simon.
12:29 am
12:30 am
a slow network is no network for business. that's why more choose comcast business. and now, we're introducing ultimate speed for business —our fastest plans yet. we're up to 12 times faster than verizon, at&t, and t-mobile. and existing customers could even get up to triple the speeds... at no additional cost. it's ultimate speed for ultimate business. don't miss out on our fastest speed plans yet! switch to comcast business and get started for $49.99 a month. plus, ask how to get up to an $800 prepaid card. call today!
12:31 am
12:32 am
>> stephen: and now performing "slip slidin' away," ladies and gentlemen, paul simon. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪
12:33 am
♪ slip slidin' away ♪ ♪ slip slidin' away ♪ ♪ the nearer ♪ ♪ your destination ♪ ♪ the more you're ♪ ♪ slip slidin' away ♪ ♪ well, i know a man ♪ ♪ he came from my home town ♪ ♪ woe his passion ♪ ♪ for his woman ♪ ♪ like a thorny crown ♪ ♪ he said delores ♪ ♪ i live in fear ♪ ♪ my love ♪ ♪ for you's so overpowering ♪ ♪ i'm afraid ♪ ♪ that i will disappear ♪
12:34 am
♪ slip slidin' away ♪ ♪ slip slidin' away ♪ ♪ the nearer ♪ ♪ your destination ♪ ♪ the more you're slip slidin' ♪ ♪ away ♪ ♪ i know a woman ♪ ♪ became a wife ♪ ♪ these are the very words ♪ ♪ she uses ♪ ♪ to describe her life ♪ ♪ she said a good day ♪ ♪ ain't got no rain ♪ ♪ and a bad day's ♪ ♪ when i lie in bed ♪ ♪ and i think of things ♪ ♪ that might have been ♪ ♪ slip slidin' away ♪ ♪ slip slidin' away ♪
12:35 am
♪ the nearer ♪ ♪ your destination ♪ ♪ the more you're ♪ ♪ slip slidin' away ♪ ♪ and i know a father ♪ ♪ who had a son ♪ ♪ he longed to tell him ♪ ♪ all the reasons ♪ ♪ for the things he'd done ♪ ♪ he came a long way ♪ ♪ just to explain ♪ ♪ kissed his boy ♪ ♪ as he lay sleeping ♪ ♪ and then he turned around ♪ ♪ and he headed home again ♪ ♪ he's slip slidin' yeah ♪ ♪ slidin' away ♪
12:36 am
♪ mmm ♪ ♪ away, away, away ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ god only knows ♪ ♪ god makes his plan ♪ ♪ the information's ♪ ♪ unavailable ♪ ♪ to the mortal man ♪ ♪ we're workin' our jobs ♪ ♪ collect our pay ♪ ♪ believe we're gliding down ♪ ♪ the highway ♪ ♪ in fact ♪ ♪ we're slip slidin' away ♪ ♪ slip slidin' away ♪ ♪ slidin' away ♪
12:37 am
♪ oooh, away, away, away ♪ ♪ mmm ♪ ♪ love, love, love, love ♪ ♪ love, love, love, love ♪ ♪ i want to love, love, love, ♪ love, love, love ♪ ♪ oh, yeah ♪ [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you, paul. paul

34 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on