thank you for watching. stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." goodnight, everybody. thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- ed o'neill comedian nikki glaser executive producer of "a gentleman in moscow," writer amor towles. featuring the 8g band with

jon theodore. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] and now, seth meyers. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: good evening. i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." we hope you're doing well. now if you don't mind, we're going to get to the news. former president trump appeared to fall asleep yesterday during michael cohen's testimony for a full half hour. again?! [ laughter ] you know, i was excited for this trial, but it seems like the only thing we're accomplishing is making sure that trump is well rested before the election. [ laughter ] michael cohen testified yesterday that the former president wasn't thinking about former first lady melania trump when he told him to take care of the stormy daniels story. yeah, no kidding. i'd be surprised if he was thinking about her at the wedding. just a few more vows until cake time. [ laughter ] former republican presidential candidate vivek ramaswamy today attended former president trump's criminal hush money trial, though he had to be removed because he kept screaming, "i'll wait for you!" [ light laughter ] independent presidential candidate robert f. kennedy jr.

is set to host a comedy show on wednesday in nashville. so if you like to laugh, check out his poll numbers. [ laughter ] warner brothers discovery has announced it's developing two new films in the "lord of the rings" franchise, just as soon as gollum wraps up his court cases. [ laughter ] [ audience groans ] my precious. no, it's not -- it is! [ laughter ] a georgia man was arrested recently after he allegedly drove a lawn mower on a highway while drunk. though, it's only fair that his lawn mower was on the highway, since his car was definitely on his lawn. [ laughter ] that's right, a georgia man was arrested recently after he allegedly drove a lawn mower on a highway while drunk. even worse, this was his third mui. [ light laughter ] [ laughter ] and finally, the juice brand welsh's recently announced that it's releasing four flavors of canned cocktails include vodka cranberry and passion fruit mojito. parents, be warned, they may look like they're for little

kids, but these drinks are intended strictly for high schoolers. [ laughter ] that was the monologue, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] we are off and running. we've got a great show for you tonight. you know him from incredible hits like "married with children" and "modern family." he stars in the new limited fx series "clipped," which premieres on hulu next month. ed o'neill is back on the show everybody. [ cheers and applause ] she's a is very funny comedian you know from shows like "f-boy island" and "lovers and liars." her stand-up special "someday you'll die," is streaming now on max, nikki glaser is back on the show everybody. [ cheers and applause ] hes a best selling author. his latest book "table for two," is out now, amor towles is on the show. [ cheers and applause ] check out a new episode of "family trips." we have johnny knoxville and elna baker. it is a very fun conversation. you guys, moving on here at "late night" every night, i deliver a monologue made up of jokes written by a diverse team of writers. as a result, a lot of jokes come across my desk that due to my being a straight white male would be difficult for me to

deliver, but we don't think that should stop you from enjoying them, so we would like to share them with you now in a segment we like to call "jokes seth can't tell." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: hey, everybody, these are two of our writers, that's amber, that's jenny. >> i'm black. >> and i'm gay! >> and we're both women. >> seth: and i'm not. so here's how it works. i'll read the set ups to these jokes and amber and jenny will read the punch lines. here we go. a county in california recently set aside $7.5 million for an african-american wellness center -- >> it's just a giant target where no one asks, "do you work here?." [ laughter ] >> seth: the show "grey's anatomy" recently brought back a popular lesbian character -- >> but only so she could fix the ambulance. [ laughter ] >> seth: an african-american museum in illinois is searching for a new executive director -- >> i think i'm qualified to do that, said a white guy. [ laughter ] seth, be honest. do you think you could run an african-american museum?

>> seth: no. >> seth?! >> seth: i do think i could bring a lot of perspective to the role. [ light laughter ] >> i knew it! >> i knew it. >> seth: a woman in oregon recently set the world guinness record for largest tongue circumference -- >> said the woman's girlfriend, "i do." >> seth: jenny. [ laughter ] jenny, apologize to that woman. >> [ sighs ] i'm sorry. [ laughter ] >> seth: secretary of transportation pete buttigieg recently visited a black community in alabama -- >> said the community, j. crew is that way. >> seth: amber, do you shop at j. crew? >> yes, every year on your birthday! [ laughter ] >> seth: singer jojo siwa recently claimed she invented a new kind of music called gay pop. >> incidentally, gay pop is also what elton john's children call him. [ laughter ] >> seth: black lawmakers recently reintroduced the crown act to ban hair discrimination -- >> for everyone except white people with dreadlocks.

[ light laughter ] >> seth: hey, amber, when is it appropriate for white people to have dreadlocks? >> when they're trying to get on my nerves. >> seth: okay. a new docuseries will explore the lives of queer mormon teens -- >> it's called here comes therapy. [ light laughter ] >> seth: the federal government has unveiled new rules to protect coal miners from black lung -- >> you can tell you have black lung when you exhale and it makes this sound -- aaaaaaaaaahh! [ light laughter ] [ scattered applause ] >> seth: you were so confident all week. [ laughter ] [ laughs ] and you remember who had doubts? do you remember who had doubts? >> seth had doubts! >> seth: yeah. so maybe i could be the executive director of that museum. [ laughter ] according to a -- do you want to try one more time. >> yeah. >> seth: yeah, black lung, here we go. >> um, but -- uh -- >> seth: just do the note! >> you can tell when you have black lung when you exhale and it makes this sound, aahh!

[ laughter ] >> it's worse each time i do it. >> seth: yeah! >> i did it one time right! seth? >> seth: you did do it one time right out of like nine. >> yeah, yeah. >> seth: and i was like, are you sure -- you're one for nine. are you sure you're going to nail it on air? and you were like -- >> absolutely. [ laughter ] >> seth: according to a recent article, young people have started to referring to white-ribbed tank tops as wife pleasers -- >> also referred to as wife pleasers, lesbians. >> seth: oh, my god. [ laughter ] jenny, do you wear a lot of tank tops? >> oh, i only wear tank tops. >> seth: yeah, but that's not a tank top. >> not yet. [ light laughter ] >> seth: oh, my gosh. [ cheers and applause ] so many tops. so many tops. >> is this enough of a tank -- is this -- i'm sorry. >> seth: that's great. i'm going to take these. >> hey, seth -- hey seth, yeah, cover up -- [ light laughter ] >> seth: yeah. >> hey, seth, why don't you tell one? >> seth: no, you guys -- i couldn't tell one. are you kidding me? >> seth, come on!

just one! >> seth: no, i don't think it would end well if i do it. >> just one! >> seth: please. >> seth: okay. the nation's first all-black radio station is launching this month and black people can't wait to blast it at a red light. [ light laughter ] >> seth! >> seth! >> seth: i think that was all right. let me try agains have opened a restaurant in palm springs called alice b. it's short for alice be gay. [ light laughter ] >> how dare you?! >> seth: you told me it would be okay! >> you should be ashamed of yourself! >> seth: i'm wearing lesbian sleeves. [ laughter ] i'm an ally! [ laughter ] black women and lesbians are liars! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: we'll be right back with ed o'neill. ♪

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: give it up for the fantastic 8g band, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] back with us tonight on drums, he's played with renowned groups like the mars volta, one day is a lion, and golden. he's a member of grammy nominated rock band queens of the stone age who are currently out on tour in support of their latest album, "in times new roman." from baltimore, one of our favorites, jon theodore is here! [ cheers and applause ] great to have you back. >> thank you. >> seth: always a pleasure. our first guest tonight is an emmy nominated actor you know from shows such as "married with children" and "modern family." he stars in the new limited fx series "clipped" which premieres on hulu june 4th. let's take a look. >> where's my favorite coach? doc? >> donald. >> bet you're glad you're out of boston. >> i love boston. >> did doc tell you when he used to play for me? well, you were here, sandy, minus about 20 pounds here. >> listen, donald, i would like to get into some personnel

issues. >> good. andy, are you -- oh, yeah. oh, come on, back to work! >> seth: please welcome back to the show, our friend, ed o'neill everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back! >> good to be back. thank you, nice to see you. >> seth: we're happy to have you back on the show. we're happy to have you back in new york city. i didn't realize this. so before "married with children," which is the role that, i mean, changed your life, safe to say, you spent ten years in new york as an actor. is that -- >> yes, yes, yes. and around this neighborhood, too. >> seth: so, you came here, you were doing broadway stuff? >> did broadway, did regional theater. you know, all the -- you know. playwrights' horizons and philadelphia drama guild. >> seth: i mean, it must have been a hard time, but was it an exciting time? did you like to be a young actor in new york? >> well, i was young.

>> seth: yeah, everything's exciting. [ laughter ] >> you know, it was great. >> seth: and is it true that you sort of got your first break because somebody -- you were an understudy and you got to go on stage for a couple of nights? >> i was the understudy and for some reason i thought for sure i was going to, you know, get the part. you know, i got it. but it's because they fired the guy. >> seth: oh, really? [ laughter ] so, could you see it going that way? were you thinking, "i think he's going to get fired?" >> yes. no, and i'll tell you how i knew it was going that way, because it was about a boxer, and i had done some boxing. >> seth: okay. >> well, i mean, amateur. >> seth: right. >> and this guy had never did. and so, it was danny ayala was the star and i was the bad guy and i had to make him look good. well, you know, if you know basic boxing, i knew i was looking him look better than the other guy. >> seth: oh, there you go. >> so, i knew -- yeah. >> seth: it wasn't that you looked better than the other guy, you made the star look better. >> that's right, seth. >> seth: what about your early new york apartments? >> oh, those were sad. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> i mean -- the one was in gramercy park, and that sounds

good. >> seth: it does sound good. >> it wasn't. and it was -- [ laughter ] it was right across the street from mother cabrini. it was a tenement. >> seth: okay. >> an actual tenement. rats, the whole thing. and i used come out in the morning, there was a stoop, and there were these young kids on the stoop. not in school. >> seth: yeah. >> and if i was going anywhere, i would bribe them. i would give them like a couple of bucks not to rob me. >> seth: really? [ laughter ] >> i would say, don't rob me, don't go back in when i leave. don't rob me. >> seth: yeah. i mean, if they were smart enough to get them to give you money, they didn't need school. >> and really -- [ light laughter ] >> seth: yeah. >> there was nothing in the apartment to rob anyways. >> seth: right? exactly. yeah, you probably should have just given them a key and be like, "do you worst." >> yeah, yeah --e [ laughter ] exactly, exactly. i think the rent was like 20 bucks a month or something. >> seth: that's really -- >> ridiculous. >> seth: i mean, yeah. >> it wasn't worth it. >> seth: no, you couldn't -- [ laughter ] i mean, they won't let you lie down on the sidewalk in gramercy for 20 bucks now. >> no. [ laughter ] >> seth: you -- i'll never forget, last time you were here, we talked about fact that you actually had a tryout with my beloved pittsburgh steelers.

>> yes. >> seth: so, you'd come out of school and you actually went to training camp with the pittsburgh steelers. >> yes. >> seth: do you think about it as often as i do? because it's your memory. >> i do. [ laughter ] i got cut in 19 -- my rookie year, 1969. >> seth: how far into -- were you the last round of cuts? >> two weeks. >> seth: okay, so two weeks. yeah. >> not the last round. >> seth: yeah. >> but i was -- i did okay. it was the -- my problem was that i was out trying to play outside linebacker, and i never played the position. so i was trying to make the team and learn the position at the same time, which is not recommended. [ light laughter ] but i have a funny story about -- and it just recently occurred to me, it was funny. [ laughter ] i think it's funny. >> seth: all right, we'll find out -- >> i'll try it out on you. >> seth: yeah, yeah. we'll find out. >> when i got cut, so we're talking about 1969. i was 23 years old. every year since then, i would have a recurring dream. like, at least once a year.

and the dream would be, i was on the sidelines in latrobe at st. vincent's college where the training -- [ clapping ] where the training camp is. [ light laughter ] in uniform. but now i'm 24. >> seth: yeah. >> it was a year later. and the coach would say, you know, "you're going in on the next series." i would say, "okay, coach." you know, i get another shot. i'd go in, and then i would wake up. this happened all the way, every year, i'm always the same -- i'm a different age. i'm the age i actually am. >> seth: so when you're 50, you're 50 on the sidelines. >> it's going too long, isn't it? no, the last time i had it, i was on the sidelines, same scenario. "you're going in. you're going to be fine." i would say, "yeah, coach. you know i'm 77 years old." [ laughter ] and he said, "you'll be fine!" [ laughter ] and i said, "i think i'm done." [ laughter ] and i never had the dream again. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: i love it! >> it's true! >> seth: i love that your

subconscious held on until you were 77. >> it was incredible! >> seth: do you remember how -- when they cut you, how did you find out? was it like -- is it like when you watch shows like "hard knocks," where it's like somebody says, "hey, can we talk to you real quick?" >> yeah, yeah. no, "bring your playbook." >> seth: yeah, "bring your playbook." >> so, i knew, you know, when i brought the playbook and went up. and this is another thing, i didn't remember this until recently. the whole -- the whole conversation with coach noll. and how it played out was, "we love you," you know, they give you the birdseed. >> seth: yeah, yeah, yeah. >> and "we've got to let you go." and i said, "okay, fine." i go, "thanks, it was great." and he said, "by the way, i talked to coach culherrich with the eagles and they're desperate for linebackers, so how about we rent you a car, you drive down the p.a. pike to philly and they'll give you a good look. but i have to know right now, because they've got to fill the spot." and i said, uh -- no. [ laughter ] >> seth: wow. that's amazing. >> i forgot that!

>> seth: yeah! >> and i said, "no, i'm done." >> seth: that's great. >> he said, "you're done?" and i said, "yeah, i'm sick of it." >> seth: well, that's really good. i'm glad you actually got to like -- >> i know. >> seth: have a hand in your own exit >> but can you imagine i didn't remember that. >> seth: yeah. i mean, based on that, i'm glad you didn't continue to play football. >> exact -- i was already -- [ laughter ] >> seth: if your memory was already that bad. >> well, i must have been concussed. [ laughter ] you play donald sterling. this is the story, 2014, owner of the clippers. >> yeah. >> seth: basically how he lost the team. >> yes. >> seth: due to some -- some pretty abhorrent behavior. you -- do you approach the role differently when you're playing a real person? >> no. >> seth: okay. [ laughter ] >> i mean, i probably should seth. >> seth: yeah. but, look, what you're doing's working, ed. i wouldn't change up. >> i mean, it's not because i'm lazy, although i am. i like to -- [ laughter ] i just read the script, you know? >> seth: sure. >> and the script was written by gena welsh, who had worked with david milch, who was a good friend of mine. i had done two series for david.

serious ones. >> seth: yeah. >> and neither one made it. but it was "big apple" and "john from cincinnati." anyway, she's a wonderful writer. so, when i read the script, i thought, i didn't think i was going to do the part, though. you know what i mean? i thought, "oh, i don't know. donald sterling." >> seth: sure. >> so, i had a lunch set up with her. and on the way to this restaurant to have lunch, i was already forming my speech of why i'm not going to do it, you know. so, i get there, and she's such a nice woman and she's -- we're talking and she's saying, you know, "oh, you can do this. it's going to be great." and i said, "sure, i'll do it." [ laughter ] and again, it's like the dream. >> seth: yeah. >> you know, i'm thinking, "what did i just say?" >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] i like -- all of these stories are you just making a decision like immediately. >> like that! >> seth: yeah. >> it's true! >> seth: you should just start bringing your coin with you. >> well, it's like -- [ laughter ] it depends on what room i'm in. what person i am. >> seth: but yet, obviously, you -- i mean, you know, things have gone well. you should continue to trust your instincts. is there anything -- again, real person, is there something a

little bit fun playing someone who's a bit villainous? >> you know, i hate to say it is, but it is. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] i mean, if you're playing john gotti or al capone or, you know -- >> seth: yeah. >> idi amin. >> seth: yeah. you probably shouldn't play idi amin. >> not idi amin. [ laughter ] >> seth: it's just -- i'm just worried about you, because based on how i'm hearing, somebody's going to ask, and you're going to be like, yeah. >> yeah. [ laughter ] it is fun. >> seth: yeah. >> it is -- it was fun because this character was inadvertently funny. >> seth: yeah. >> he could be charming, he could be something else, as we know. and it was a challenging part, really. it was quite challenging. >> seth: it seemed like there was some challenging hair work for you. >> there was. >> seth: now how much -- >> there was. >> seth: how much of this is ed over here? >> well, that wasn't a full-onzg things. >> seth: it's really, it's truly -- >> it's some kind of fitted thing. and then, they did a kind of tan -- like, he liked the -- >> seth: he had a fake tan. >> fake tan.

and then the glasses. you know, i really don't -- i think i'm wearing them there. but he had certain glasses that were kind of strange. >> seth: we -- you mentioned it and then, we dug it up. this is not the most makeup you've had to do. so, tell us about this role. >> well, that was a ten-hour mini series for nbc called "the tenth kingdom." >> seth: "the tenth kingdom." >> and i played a character called relish the troll king. >> seth: okay. [ laughter ] i want to note, "the tenth kingdom" got less applause than latrobe, pennsylvania. >> well, yes. [ laughter ] yeah, and i -- i'm not surprised. but the thing was, i thought it was going to be a fun, simple role. and i didn't realize it was prosthetics. >> seth: yeah. >> which meant two hours into this drag, and an hour and a half out. >> seth: yeah. i can't believe it only took you two hours to get you into this. because this is a far way from ed o'neill. [ laughter ] >> and the worst part is, it looks like me. [ laughter ] >> seth: and when it's done, you're like, "they didn't need to do that much work." >> well, when i said that, i

said that i had two children. i had troll children in this, and they didn't look anything like what they looked like with it off. and i mentioned that to the producer. i said, "why do i look like me?" [ laughter ] and he said, "because we're paying you more!" [ laughter ] >> seth: well, that's fair. hey, always such a pleasure to talk to you. congrats on the new show. [ cheers and applause ] ed o'neill, everyone. fx's "clipped" premieres on tuesday, june 4th on hulu. stick around, we'll be right back with nikki glaser. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪♪ imagine a future where plastic is not wasted... but instead remade over and over... into the things that keep our food fresher, our families safer, and our planet cleaner. to help us get there, america's plastic makers are investing billions of dollars to create innovative products and new recycling technologies for sustainable change. because when you push for smarter solutions,

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can i have some mike's please? was this guy's day hard enough for a mike's hard lemonade, hank? i don't know, was it? (stadium cheering) hop to it, bunny boy! hard days deserve a hard lemonade what's the worst part of the locker room? shareef: axe. axe. brandon: i like that. shareef: reminds me of like a designer store. brandon: this smells like a candle. shareef: is this a joke? you chose axe! brandon: i knew i had good taste! shareef: i thought that was a designer brand.

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even outdoors. for the toughest jobs on planet earth [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: our next guest is a very funny comedian and the host of shows like "f-boy island" and "lovers and liars." her stand-up special, "someday you'll die" is streaming now on max. let's take a look. >> i look at being a mom and i think, it's too hard to be a mom for me. i just -- actually, no, it's not hard to be a mom, it's hard to be a good mom. that's -- it's easy to be a bad mom. that's so easy. [ cheers and applause ] but to be a good mom is hard. to be a bad mom, that's as easy as being a great dad. that's -- [ laughter ] that's what that is. yeah. [ cheers and applause ] it's a cakewalk. you know it. >> seth: please welcome back to the show, nikki glaser, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

♪ >> seth: welcome back! >> hi, thank you for having me back. it's good to be here. >> seth: well, let's get started. let's talk about the tom brady roast. >> yeah. >> seth: you're absolutely -- on a night where there were so many funny people. >> so many, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: you had a standout set. >> thank you. >> seth: what is the feedback been like? >> i mean, it's been insane. it's been the best week of my life. nothing will ever even get close to this, no matter what i do in my career. it's -- it's unprecedented that you get this much attention as a comedian for something you do. i think the next time people talk about me as much as if i die tragically. >> seth: oh wow. >> i think that's the only way. [ light laughter ] that my face will be everywhere. like i open my phone and my face was showing up. like that doesn't -- i was taylor swift for a day. >> seth: oh, my god. [ laughter ] >> it really felt that way. i was like, "this is what it's like." >> seth: not a lot of people even get to be taylor swift for a day. >> i know. >> seth: it was a long -- i wanna ask. so it's a the long three-hour roast. >> yeah. >> seth: you go early. you're in the first hour. >> yeah. >> seth: did you know for the second two hours how well it had gone? >> you know, with i was like stealing glances at my cell

phone and it was lighting up. like, it was -- the numbers were getting in the hundreds of texts coming in. so i felt like, okay, i nailed it. people are watching this live. i didn't sense how big it was until i think after i left and started looking online and seeing people talking about it. but, like, yeah, i obviously knew i had done well. and then you see other performances and you can kind of like base yourself around them. but i think the real thing about this that popped is that it's live. and so usually, it's edited.[ l] like, i work really hard and - i usually walk away being like, "i had one of the best sets of the night." but when they air, everyone -- it's edited, so everyone looks like they did that well. and so this was the first -- >> seth: right, the editing like levels everybody out. >> yeah. and i've never been annoyed by it, i've just been like, "oh, that's great for the show." but this time it was kind of like obvious. and it was treated because it was like a -- celebrating tom brady, like an athletic endeavor of like, there has to be a winner. >> seth: yeah. >> so it was a weird thing to walk out of and people being like, you won! i was like, "i didn't even know this was a competition," but it is awesome to have won one thing in my life. >> seth: i knew -- yeah, give it up! give it up! [ cheers and applause ]

>> i mean -- i hate when -- i hate when people are like, "i never win anything." but i really like, i always was like getting trophies of like most dedicated performer, like most improved. like those are always the trophies i got in -- i got most improved twice in a row. two years in a row. [ light laughter ] >> seth: that meant that the first improvement wasn't enough. >> it wasn't that good. >> seth: you still had enough room to improve more than anyone else. >> yes! yes! >> seth: so you mentioned that you did this in the past. so i think, you know, certainly, i had an expectation for how well you would do. because you know how much work has to go into this, did you know much about tom brady? >> no. i mean, i was really being honest at the roast when i said that i only got into football when taylor swift said it was okay, like, in the fall. like -- [ cheers and applause ] i didn't care about it. and now i genuinely do. i know that people are like, oh, the bandwagon swifty's getting onboard, but i really -- i care about football in a real way now. like i get it now. i wasn't paying attention before. and then the brady booking happened and i go, "oh, i'm going to dig it even more." i just watched a ton of his documentaries and i learned like how to train for something through watching him.

and i was -- it was early enough in the process that i was like, "i'm going to tom brady this roast." like i'm going to -- [ light laughter ] i'm going to be pliable and give myself rest. usually i'm just like so hardcore and i burn out and right before the roast, i have like a meltdown. this was like, i went in very confident and i went in with that kind of like sixth round draft pick like delusion of i'm the best decision this organization has ever made kind of thing. >> seth: yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] >> and i literally, like, i heard that tom brady was going to kind of make the decision about who gets to be on the dais. and i was telling robbie at netflix who i was talking to, i was like i want this roast. and he was like, "we'll see what happens. i have a meeting with tom today." and i go, "you tell tom i'm the tom brady of roasting." >> seth: wow. >> "and that this is --" and i did not know what that even meant at that point. i just knew it would get through to him in some way. and i think it did, but then i actually did tb-12 it. like i really -- i really was just like, just work as hard -- work harder than anyone else, and it'll work out, is kind of his method. >> seth: it was -- it really did pay off. i'm wondering, what have you learned from doing roasts? because one of the things i was

noting during your set, because the jokes were vicious. >> yeah. >> seth: but you also have this really nice move of apologizing. >> that's new. >> seth: and smiling. there's a lot of like, "i'm so sorry, i'm so sorry," as if it's not 100% the decision you made. >> i know. [ laughter ] i'm so glad you're calling me out on that, seth, because -- >> seth: but it's great. it like makes it go down smoother. >> thank you. that is something that i realized watching old roast sets, and someone actually commented to me, like, oh, you're apologizing more. i'm like, that's because i'm a better person than i was when i started doing these that i actually do feel bad. but the thing is, they've asked for it. so i have an excuse of like, this is the job i'm doing, and i can still at the same time hold this, like, kind of, sorrow and pity over having to say these words, while also saying them. so i felt like those moments, i was able to, for the first time, like inject my real self which is like, what am i doing. like, what gives me a right -- >> seth: now, i should stress, i didn't think you were sorry at all. [ laughter ] >> i actually was! i really was! because these are my friends, and like also i know how it's like to be on the receiving end

of it. like this [ bleep ], it stings, man. >> seth: well that is a whole nother part of it. >> people will laugh it off, but it gets in and you think about it later. and it will -- it'll make you make appointments at a med spa that you should not be spending $10,000 at right after a roast where they compared you to looking like larry bird. i was like, i'm gonna fix that. [ laughter ] and i went in and i spent a lot at a place that claimed to do the kardashians. they do not. she took a picture there once. >> seth: and they have a -- that's called a de-birding, right? >> yes. >> seth: but you -- but it is like you mentioned that like -- >> de-birding. >> seth: tom brady signs up for it, but you -- all the roasters do as well, right? >> yeah. >> seth: like you know that you can make jokes about your colleagues. >> yes. >> seth: and then, in turn, they're going to make fun of you. >> yes. >> seth: and -- and so i was wondering, i'm like, so for like two hours, you, one, knew you killed, but also knew for the next two hours, pretty much every single comedian to go up would have at least one -- >> yes. >> seth: and so it just must have been such a weird emotional thing to juggle. >> i'm like just -- i'm hoping they call me a whore, because i know that i am. and so i -- [ laughter ] >> seth: so you'll feel seen. >> yeah, i'll feel like, okay,

they really get who i am. yeah, call me a whore, i can take that. say i'm not funny, i just proved that wrong. but coming for my looks or my age, they told me -- they told bill belichick to date someone his own age, like nikki glaser and i thought was really funny. i mean, i'm turning 40 which is the age where suddenly like eligible bachelors for you are in their 80s and it's like not weird. they're like, "yeah, he's you're age." and you're like, "what?" suddenly this world of old men opens up to you. but yeah, so, i was worried about the age things, because i'm about to turn 40, it's just sensitive. but i really, i felt so -- i felt so detached from being like a sex symbol that night. like i felt like i was a comedian that night. and then sometimes i try to balance both of those, especially on like a big stage like that. so i was like, say what you want about my looks. like, yeah, some of it has stung a little bit later, but it just -- yeah, i feel like i'm also -- i'm both confident enough in my old age that i can handle the jokes about it. >> seth: stop saying old age to someone who just turned 50. [ laughter ] just give me a [ bleep ] break, all right? >> 50 is 40. [ laughter ] >> seth: you're like, "oh, i'm 50, i'm 40. >> you look so -- no, there's

nothing more annoying than someone younger than you talking about they're old. i'm sorry. >> seth: yeah, i know, and you've been doing it for like a long whole -- >> that's really true. [ laughter ] like what does that make you then?! really old! >> seth: i have another question, which i was surprised to hear because again, it makes me really happy, because obviously you have very supportive parents. they were there. >> yeah. >> seth: your parents came. >> yes, oh, my god. i fly them out to anything fun. >> seth: that's great. and did they -- were they -- >> they're not here tonight, but that's not because this isn't fun. i wanted to make -- [ laughter ] i was like, if you don't like -- [ talking ] >> seth: you're like, "they're here at anything fun. i'm like, let's see where -- oh, okay, [ bleep ] off. >> they are so excited -- they went hard that night. and really treated it like my wedding night. like, it kind of was. it's the big -- most attention i'll ever get, like, and my mom is just going around going being like, "wasn't she the best," saying it to other roasters. like, it was like really -- [ light laughter ] she went up to tom brady, "i'm nikki's mom. wasn't she great?" i'm like, "don't make him have to even have to think about me." he's mad he even had to learn my name. he's gonna forget it before he gets to the car. like -- and then, i was just trying to keep them away from people. and my dad -- someone was --

someone was smoking in the kia forum and my dad really hates cigarette smoke. he's, "oh, what is this?" he's so offended by it, he like complained about it. and then he later found out, he was like -- it was dave chappelle smoking inside. [ laughter ] as he's allowed to do. >> seth: right, yeah. >> yeah, we all know this. >> seth: i think he has a waiver in any arena. >> yes. anywhere dave chappelle is turns to france, suddenly. [ light laughter ] there's no rules. but -- i later told my dad, and he was like, "well, it's still secondhand smoke, lung cancer." i was like, "you should be so lucky to get lung cancer from dave chappelle." [ laughter ] that could be the best kind. but later on, i thought he was -- dave chappelle came into my green room smoking and i thought my dad was going to say something, but he was like, "gimme a cig." like dave chappelle is so cool, my dad is like, i'm smoking now. >> seth: yeah, yeah, good. [ laughter ] >> and just -- it was amazing, yes. >> seth: you have a new special as well, which is fantastic. you wrote a song for the special. >> yeah, yes i did. >> seth: tell us the name of the song? >> it's called, "someday you'll die," it's also the name of the special. and i didn't have any money to use to get a cool song for the credits and i was over budget.

spray tans and fake hair and lighting and everything. and so -- >> seth: it looks beautiful, by the way. so, the money, you can see the money, which is -- >> they did amazing. it really -- thank you. [ applause ] they'll really appreciate that. but it's a stunning special, but yeah, i was like -- and they go, "it's going to be like $20,000 of your own pocket to get a song that maybe fits in there. and i go, "i should just write one." and then they were like, "you should." and so i just -- i did. and it was my first song i ever wrote, and it's this -- people are calling are it like the song of the summer. >> seth: are they really? >> yeah. [ laughter ] i've heard that. >> seth: it's called "someday you'll die" and it's the song of the summer? >> "someday you'll die." yeah, and it's like good to play with your fam -- like it's for your families. >> seth: i'm glad you mentioned that because this is -- this is a video of your niece and nephew. >> yes, they are in on this song. >> seth: how old are they? >> two and just turned five. my niece just turned five. >> seth: two and five i would guess is not the right audience for a song called "someday you'll die." >> but they will. >> seth: let's take a look and -- >> just like we all will. >> seth: they do seem to enjoy it. let's take a look. ♪ someday you'll die

someday you'll die someday you'll die ♪ >> seth: you know who hates that video? whoever makes those car seats. they're like, oh! [ laughter ] i don't need kids singing "someday you'll die" in our car seats. >> it's so good. you're the best! >> seth: congrats on the roast, the special, the song of the summer. [ cheers and applause ] >> of the summer. thank you seth. >> seth: you guys, that's nikki glaser. "someday you'll die" streaming on max. check out her roast on netflix. we'll be right back with amor towles. [ cheers and applause ] ♪tstepper by ini ] ♪ man: ooh! ♪ ♪ ♪ woman 1: haha! woman 2: hmm hmm!

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: our next guest is a best-selling author whose latest book, "a table for two," is on sale now. the tv adaptation of his fantastic novel, "a gentlemen in moscow" airs sunday nights on showtime. let's take a look. >> according to local folklore, there is a tree deep within the forest with fruit as black as coal. and if you can find this tree and eat of its fruit, you can start your life anew. >> so would you? >> would i what? >> would you take the bite? >> how could i possibly relinquish the memory of this? >> seth: please welcome back to

the show, amor towles everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> seth: welcome back. >> good to be back. >> seth: i loved your book, "a gentlemen in moscow," and i think the show is fantastic. i'm wondering as someone who provides obviously, the source material for an adaptation like this, do they send you cuts of the show as they're making it? >> that's sort of a set-up for this, is about -- i'm friends with michael lewis -- >> seth: okay. >> -- who wrote "moneyball," -- >> seth: "money ball." >> -- and "the big short," and has had multiple books turned into films. so, we're friends and were having lunch about a year and a half ago, and he said, "how's it going?" and i said, well, they just sent me the drafts of the first two episodes and they've asked me for my feedback, but i think they're just being polite. there was a pause, and michael says, "amor, they're definitely just being polite." [ light laughter ] and not only do they not want to know what you think, they wish you were dead. [ laughter ]

and i was like, "okay, yeah, all right." >> seth: easier to adapt a dead writer's book. >> yeah, that's sort of the idea i guess. >> seth: now, sometimes there are scenes where i imagine the dialogue is almost word for word what you've written and other times, due to the -- you know, the constraints of an adaptation, they're not. how -- do you find yourself reacting differently when you're watching? >> yeah, absolutely. so, when you're watching a scene and it's exactly word for word as it's in the book, my response is usually, "oh, that's very good." [ laughter ] "that's a really nice scene," you know. and so then -- but then when it's something that they've invented, i start to fidget a little bit in my seat. so i'm watching the fourth episode, i think it is, with my wife, and there's a scene where the count is talking to his childhood friend, mischka, and it's very emotional. i didn't write it, so i'm getting a little edgy. and it goes on and on, and so finally, i'm turning to my wife to sort of express my moderate indignation. and she's going, "boohoo," and i'm like, "honey, i didn't even write that scene," and she goes, "but it's so beautiful." it's like, all right. >> seth: i never react

emotionally to your writing. [ laughter ] >> that's exactly right. >> seth: there was that scene we showed there, the clip, ewans talking about a tree. >> yes. >> seth: it's very evocative, and was that based on something you had seen? >> yeah, well so in the story, as the count says, it's sort of this moment of folklore, comes from the folklore. and well, late in the series, they were shooting out in the countryside, and going on set, it's so meticulous. you know, the set people, the props people, the costume people. they're doing such a careful job, and they're so impressive. so they're shooting out in the countryside and the head writer, ben, sends me an email saying, "amor, we found your tree." you know, so and i was -- so i'm looking at it, and there's this giant tree with black apples. and i'm like, i send him an email back, "ben, this is just incredible. like, it's really amazing. and you know, of course, i made that up, right?" and an email comes back like that saying, "yeah, and you know the tree's fake, right?" [ laughter ]

and i'm like, "yeah, yeah, i was so on to that. yeah, i could tell. i could tell." [ laughter ] and so then they all come to town for the premiere, and the day after the premiere, i come home for lunch and this is hanging on my doorknob. >> seth: oh, the black apple. >> which is, you know, which is that real, you know? so i was like, thanks, guys. >> seth: so your new book, "six short stories and a novella." >> yes. >> seth: i felt very -- it really reminded me of the way i've somehow behaved when i thought it was time to write something. there's a story about a writer, a young writer. >> yeah. >> seth: who feels like he doesn't have any stories to tell. he had an uninteresting life, and he's waiting for the interesting thing to happen that he can write a story about. is that something that reflected your experience as a writer? >> yeah, it's not an autobiographical story exactly, but yes, i grew up in a suburb. so it was -- the biggest challenges were shoveling snow, raking leaves, painting the fence. those were the jobs and stuff. >> seth: yeah. >> so you do, kind of as a young writer, you're reading faulkner or dostoevsky, and i'm like, ooh, this isn't good.

you know, i have not had what i need to become a writer -- my -- >> seth: by the way, dostoevsky, what he wouldn't give to have raked a leaf. [ light laughter ] >> that's true, that's true. meanwhile, i'm like -- my parents haven't even had the courtesy to be alcoholics, you know. [ laughter ] 'cause then we would have something to work with. >> seth: just give me a little something -- >> just give me a little something to work with. so, yes, the young man is kind of wrestling with this lack of -- experiences, and yes, of course, the story, the experiences come to find him. >> i enjoyed that you made it clear that this story took place ten years after the invention of the personal computer, but he still goes to a store and buys like, paper and pens, and i feel -- there's a lot of that, i don't know -- there's a bit of ceremony when you're a writer -- >> yeah. >> seth: and you're like, if i just get the write pens, all the ideas will come. >> yes! yes, the right chair, the right time of day, you know, the right food. >> seth: just sit there. and nothing happens. >> and then, the genius -- the genius will follow. >> seth: is it harder with, you know, obviously, you've a shorter -- smaller real estate when you're writing short stories.

and being a writer, it only works if people have empathy for your characters. is it trickier to build that empathy over the course of 30 pages versus a full novel? >> yeah, it's a big part of the challenge. and it's part of the fun, too, because the nature of a short story, that's different from a novel is, it's not about something unfolding. you're slowly getting to know a character and the family or what have you. and seeing the events that accumulate. in the short story, you're dropped in. both as the writer and the reader, and you have to meet the person -- it's almost like you're sitting in a restaurant overhearing an argument between a man and a woman. and you don't know the context, it's -- you know, you can hear it full-on, and you're going to leave without knowing how it concludes. that's sort of the nature of a short story. so, you have to bring the reader in to that moment, make it feel vivid and the people real, because you're not going to get to finish to tell them how it all unfolds in the end. >> seth: "the bootlegger," one of the stories, is based on a thing that actually happened. >> yeah, when i was in my 30s, my wife and i -- i saw that the world-famous pianist, evgeny kissin, was coming to carnegie hall for the first time in america.

and i thought, oh, that's something we should do. you know, so i convinced my wife we should go, and we paid for nice tickets and dressed up and went to dinner and we arrived in carnegie hall, we're sitting down and an old guy in a trench coat comes in and sits next to me. and i noticed that sticking out of the sleeve of his coat are two little black stems and i realized, oh, my god, he's recording the concert, in carnegie hall of all places. and the musician starts to play, kissin starts to play, but i'm all wrapped up in the guy. >> seth: yeah. >> and by now i'm like, oh, i'm going to turn this guy in. [ light laughter ] at the intermission, i'm going to storm out there, get security, and we'll come back and be like, this man is bootlegging, right now! and sort of in the, to defend musical artists everywhere, some sort of minor superhero was kind of my thing. but the irony of this story was that, the next morning, "the new york times" reported that kissin had the longest standing ovation in recent memory at carnegie hall and i do not remember him playing. [ light laughter ] you know, because i was spending

the whole time, you know, mad at the guy next to me, and imagining what would happen. >> seth: yeah. >> so, yeah. >> seth: so the good news is, there is a recording if you want to hear it. [ laughter ] so that's -- there is something -- >> that's true. it's out there. >> seth: yeah, it's out there. >> on ebay, i could probably find it. >> seth: yeah, you could probably find it. hey, thanks so much for being here. i really appreciate it. [ cheers and applause ] amor towles, everybody, "a table for two," on sale now and "a gentlemen in moscow" airs sunday nights on showtime. [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with more "late night." ♪ (luke) this will be a gold mine of local intel. just you wait. (marci) right. so, tell us about this corn festival? (stylist 1) oooh you got your corn pudding... you got your corn chowder... (marci) so... is it safe around here? (stylist 2) sometimes. (luke) if a family of eight were to need a cold plunge, where would they find it? (stylist 1) ...and then they dip it in butter, then bam, it goes right in. (stylist 2) ...really cute vampire bar. (stylist 1) the reverend does like a blessing on the corn. (luke) donut shops. how far from here? (marci) no eyebrows? (luke) think of how light it'll feel in the summer. we've got to run. eleven thousand more neighborhoods to go! (vo) ding dong! homes-dot-com.

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♪ >> announcer: come join the audience at "late night" live in studio 8g. for tickets, head over to latenightsethtickets.com. follow us @latenightseth on all social media platforms. subscribe to late night seth on youtube. find us online at latenightseth.com. and subscribe to the "late night podcast," featuring "a closer look," guest interviews, and more. available wherever you listen to podcasts. ♪ a slow network is no network for business. that's why more choose comcast business. and now, we're introducing ultimate speed for business —our fastest plans yet. we're up to 12 times faster than verizon, at&t, and t-mobile. and existing customers could even get up to triple the speeds... at no additional cost. it's ultimate speed for ultimate business. don't miss out on our fastest speed plans yet!

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: i want to thank my guests ed o'neill, nikki glazer, amor towles everybody! i want to thank jon theodore and the 8g band. thanks for watching everybody. we love you. [ cheers and applause ] ♪