♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers. tonight -- larry david, an all new "amber says what" featuring the 8g band with caitlin kalafus. ♪ [ cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. [ cheers and applause >> seth: good evening. i'm seth meyers. this is "late night. how's everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause that is wonderful to hear. in that case, let's get to the news president trump bragged this afternoon that his supporters were standing outside in, quote, "pretty much zero degrees," to get into his ohio rally tonight.

yeah, but, i mean, it is ohio. they're used to braving the cold to watch losers. [ laughter ] president trump said this afternoon that he has started urging people to remember the name of his new usmca trade agreement by thinking of it like the song, "ymca. he then added, "like how i remember my wife's name, macarena." [ laughter ] madame tussauds wax museum in london announced today that it has moved figures of prince harry and duchess meghan markle away from that of queen elizabeth. said the queen, "not good enough melt them. [ laughter ] senator cory booker said in a new interview that staying in washington for president trump's impeachment trial could be a big, big blow to his campaign. also a blow, basic math. [ laughter ]

a woman was arrested in florida recently after a police dog found almost 27 pounds of cocaine hidden in her car. the woman is awaiting trial. and the dog hasn't slept in three days [ laughter ] he got screenplay eyes [ light laughter ] according to a new study, workers who are forced to smile as a part of their job are more likely to drink at home. or sometimes even inside the costume. [ laughter ] according to a study, men who have facial hair are 75 percent more confident. said one man, "what? i don't need secret service. [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] don't clap [ cheers and applause i really appreciate as that bombed, that one guy being like, "i'm into it." [ claps [ laughter ]

the makers of digiorno frozen pizzas have released a new buffalo chicken flavor that has a crust stuffed with ranch dressing and cheese. it's called, "dad's in charge. [ laughter ] and finally, authorities in portugal recently discovered $30 million worth of cocaine hidden in a shipment of bananas. "i was just holding it for a friend!" yelled curious george [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a fantastic show for you tonight he's the legendary writer and comedian whose acclaimed show "curb your enthusiasm" returns to hbo for its 10th season january 19th larry david is here tonight, everybody. [ cheers and applause very excited that larry is back. before -- before we get to larry, the house voted today to rein in the president's war powers as it becomes increasingly clear the trump administration lied to justify

an unconstitutional act of war for more on this, it's time for "a closer look." [ cheers and applause ♪ >> seth: amid lingering tensions and unanswered questions from a crisis he started with iran, as well as an impending impeachment trial in the senate, president trump took questions at the white house today and decided to whine about the fact that no one gives him credit for giving up his presidential salary trump tried to say that he donates the money to good causes, like fighting the opioid epidemic, but it didn't quite come out the right way >> i spent a lot of my own money. and i always ask the question, i said, "i wonder if it was necessary. because i don't think anybody even knew that i was spending it i'd mention it every once in a while, but i don't know. for instance, i give up my salary it's $450,000. approximately, $450,000 presidential salary i give it up it goes to -- usually i give it to drugs [ laughter ] >> seth: i don't think that's how you want to phrase that. you give it to drugs

which drugs do you give it to? are they downers is that why you always look like you just downed a bottle of benzo's during a gas leak? trump's deep insecurity, of course, is one of his many off-putting qualities. but the one particular quality we've seen on display yet again this week is his fundamental lawlessness. remember in the last week he repeatedly threatened to commit war crimes against iran saying he'd target sites important to iran and the iranian culture and i would just like to point out that the guy threatening to destroy iranian cultural sites is the same guy who lost his mind when people suggested taking down confederate statues honoring white supremacists here in this country. despite the fact most of those statues like this one are ugly as hell. that - [ laughter ] that is a real statue. [ audience ohs ] look at that face. that statue looks like it just found out the south lost the civil war. [ laughter ] so trump threatened multiple times to destroy cultural sites in violation of the law, which meant the secretary of state and the secretary of defense had to go on tv and try to reassure people that the president would not, in fact, order them to do

something illegal. >> we'll behave lawfully we'll behave inside the system we always have and we always will the american people should know that every target that we strike will be a lawful target. >> i'm fully confident that the president is not going to -- the commander in chief will not give us an illegal order >> seth: oh, you're confident he won't give you an illegal order? he ordered his ex-fixer to illegally cover up an affair and he personally wrote the check for the hush money while he was president. look at that that's the check lots of presidents have scandal. but trump is the only one who paid for his by check. if you go to the national archives you're not going to find a check with george washington's signature on it that says, "sorry about your cherry tree. [ laughter ] trump is literally named in the michael cohen indictment as individual one and he was impeached for trying to extort a foreign country to cheat in the 2020 election the guy gives illegal orders all the time when he's traveling by himself, he probably tells his driver to get in the carpool lane. "but sir, we're in air force one. "i don't care. i want to take the l.i.e. to a hooters in ronkonkoma.

[ laughter ] and then during a meeting in the oval office on tuesday, trump tried to walk back his deranged threats to commit war crimes but he did it very reluctantly >> we are, according to various laws, supposed to be very careful with their cultural heritage and you know what, if that's what the law is, i like to obey the law. >> seth: no, you don't and -- [ laughter ] there's really nothing more suspicious you can say than, "i like to obey the law." [ laughter ] imagine how that would go in a real-life situation. if a cop pulls you every and says, "do you know how fast you were going?" and you just respond by saying, "i like to obey the law" - [ laughter ] they're going to find that bag of coke in your glove compartment. [ light laughter ] "sir, is that why you've been sniffing so much?" [ sniffing ] [ laughter ] "i give all my money to drugs. [ laughter ] and now members of both parties have become increasingly

convinced that the strike that set off this latest crisis, the assassination of iranian general qassem soleimani, was an unconstitutional act of war. trump and his team have tried to justify the strike by claiming soleimani posed a, quote, "imminent threat." but watch how cagy secretary of state mike pompeo has been about it >> president trump says that general soleimani was planning a, quote, "imminent attack." what was the plan? who were the targets and how soon >> there's things we simply cannot make public about what it is we knew at that time and what, in fact, we know today about the continuing activity. >> so was the justification in that he's been this destabilizing force in the region for so long or was the justification this "imminent threat"? >> chuck, it's never one thing >> when you say the attacks were imminent, how imminent were they are we talking about days? are we talking about weeks >> if you're an american in the region, days and weeks, this is not something that's relevant. >> if you're looking for imminence, you needn't look no further than the days that led up to the strike that was taken against soleimani.

>> seth: that's not what imminent means it means ready to take place, happening soon you don't get to just reinvent words. if you're going to do that, then you have to change the word, itself for example, if you wanted to change the definition of the word, tolerated, then you'd have to change the word itself to something like - >> tolerited [ laughter ] >> seth: now in general, there's zero reason, zero reason to trust anything the president or his aides say. they're all proven liars and even when they're not lying, they get basic facts wrong and make dumb mistakes for example, just yesterday, the president lied about the obama-era iran deal and said this - >> iran's hostilities substantially increased after the foolish iran nuclear deal was signed in 2013 >> seth: there are many things wrong with that statement, including the fact that the final deal was signed in 2015. dude, just google it or ask siri. although, given how low trump's numbers are with women, he probably wouldn't have much luck there, either. "siri, when was the iran nuclear deal signed?

>> look it up yourself, i can't tolerite you anymore [ laughter ] >> seth: so they claimed the top general posed an imminent threat in order to justify an assassination that sparked a crisis that put us on the brink of a horrific and disastrous war. then yesterday the trump administration sent briefings to congress to present evidence of the, quote, "imminent threat." and members of both parties came away from the briefing unconvinced. >> we did not get information inside that briefing that there was a specific imminent threat i think it is likely, because it doesn't exist. >> there was no specific information given to us of a specific attack. >> my reaction to this briefing was it was sophomoric and utterly unconvincing >> the basic theme of it was the administration essentially saying, "trust us. >> one of the messages we received from the briefers was do not debate, do not discuss the issue of the appropriateness of further military intervention against iran and if you do, you'll be

emboldening iran now, i find this insulting and demeaning. it's un-american it's unconstitutional. and it's wrong i find that absolutely insane. >> seth: i love when a politician figures out this late in the game that the trump administration is insane [ light laughter ] it's like someone watching "mrs. doubtfire" and turning to you after an hour and saying, "i think the british lady might be robin williams." [ laughter and applause so, you just saw - [ applause ] you just saw a large group of senators and house members in both parties complain this was a horrible military briefing in fact, that last senator, mike lee, a staunch trump ally, called it, "the worst briefing i've seen at least on a military issue in the nine years i've served in united states senate." and yet in response to the criticism from lee, trump insisted today that unnamed senators were calling him and telling him the briefing was actually amazing

>> mr. president, i'm sure you saw mike lee's comments. did your national security team really say that it would be wrong for congress to debate military action on iran? >> so, here's what happened on that i had calls from numerous senators and numerous congressmen and women saying that it was the greatest presentation they've ever had. >> seth: oh, numerous senators said that. which ones "you wouldn't know them. they go to a different school. [ laughter ] in canada. the people cheering on a war with iran are the same warmongers who lied us into a catastrophic and immoral war in iraq 17 years ago. and they're using the same tactics all over again, lying about imminent threats, trampling the constitution and international law, of course, trying to frame anyone who opposes war with iran as siding with the enemy over americans, like former trump official nikki haley who said this on tuesday. >> the only ones that are mourning the loss of soleimani are our democrat leadership and our democrat presidential candidates >> seth: man, you really have to

be a husk of a person to go work for donald trump i mean, the only people who take jobs with trump are his gang of mafia- themed mr. potatohead dolls. but -- [ light laughter ] the haley's of the world are especially infuriating because they put on an act and pretend to have some dignity, whereas with trump you know what you're getting i mean, he's shameless, and he's open about it. he's the kind of guy who would sell you a fake watch in times square and brag to you that it's fake [ light laughter ] "it's not a cartier it's a fartier. look, it's just as good. plus it has an alarm." [ farting [ laughter ] and then there's georgia congressman doug collins now, you might remember him as the auctioneer on adderall whose job it was to shout a bunch of incoherent nonsense during the impeachment process so no one could actually understand what he was saying. >> this idea of throwing law, in fact, we've disproven the fact we've talked about the law and didn't put it in the constitution i can yell on both of them

i can talk about both of them. i still have not got a transcript we still don't know what got in the white house. still has not got their stuff. i was told i couldn't. even though there have been staff conversations well before. i was told i was asking too late that's almost like saying, "why don't you ask -- you know, frame your question differently. he said this is what he wanted looked into. he said can you -- he said, "help us as a country, because we're trying to heal." >> seth: my god, man, take a xanax. [ laughter ] you sound like you did a speedball in the bathroom at studio 54. [ laughter ] last night collins took a break from rambling incoherently to level a truly disgusting accusation at democrats who oppose trump's march to war with iran >> i did not think she can become more hypocritical than she was during impeachment but guess what, surprise, surprise nancy pelosi does it again and her democrats fall right in line one, they're in love with terrorists we see that. they mourn soleimani more than they mourn our gold-star families who are the ones who suffered under soleimani >> seth: unlike doug collins, i'm going to say this very slowly so everyone can understand it. [ bleep ] off.

[ cheers and applause i mean, you're accusing democrats of siding with terrorists over gold- star families there's only one famous reality show dip[ bleep ] turned president who said he and kim jong-un, quote, "fell in love." [ laughter ] and who was repeatedly attacked or fought with gold-star families like the khans. think about how pathetic that is trump attacked the parents of a fallen soldier and that's the guy you support, doug collins you swamp diving, boomhauer-looking craw daddy [ cheers and applause it is becoming increasingly clear a lawless president violated the constitution to order the assassination of a foreign official and then lied about it and the only people cheering him on are the reckless warmongers who have lied us into war before but now members of both parties want to rein trump in. the only way you can believe anything this president says is if you're on - >> drugs >> seth: this has been "a closer look." ♪ [ cheers and applause we'll be right back with larry david, everybody

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♪ [ car engine revving ] this one drives a volkswagen passat. ♪ [ cheers and applause >> seth: welcome back, everybody. give it up for the 8g band right over there [ cheers and applause also all this week, we've had

the fantastic drummer for '80s icon cyndi lauper who just released her very first solo project under the name, "be kind" which can be found on all major music platforms. caitlin kalafus, everybody [ cheers and applause thanks for another great week, caitlin. >> thank you so much >> seth: always wonderful having you back >> thank you >> seth: our first guest tonight an emmy award-winning writer and comedian whose critically acclaimed show "curb your enthusiasm" returns to hbo for its tenth season on january 19th let's take a look. >> people need me here to, you know, take care of business. >> no, no, they don't need you here this is not a job for human beings to be here when other people are going to the bathroom. nobody wants you here. everybody's disappointed when they walk in here. they don't want to see you i'm sorry to say [ laughter ] >> with all due respect, people come in here with bad breath, i got mouthwash. people come in here, you know, "look, i need is a little spruce up." i got cologne here >> they would gladly sacrifice the gum, the cologne, the mints, anything you have here for some privacy. they would [ laughter ] they'd sacrifice it in a second. >> people -- i have a purpose here >> when an animal goes to die, he leaves the pack, that's what needs to happen here i need to be alone

[ laughter ] i'm a dying animal [ laughter ] >> seth: please welcome back to the show our friend, larry david. ♪ welcome back >> oh, yes, thank you. >> seth: the - >> oh, okay. [ cheers and applause you can't -- you can't control them can't control them, no >> seth: yeah, they are impossible to control. >> no, it's impossible >> seth: it's pointless to try [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> seth: you, you know, i don't want to give anything away about the season i'm so happy there's a tenth season i want to be surprised every week >> well, what could you give away you don't know anything. >> seth: that's true >> yeah. >> seth: i don't know anything i guess i'm not -- what i'm saying, i'm not going to press you for spoilers or anything >> no, you can press away. [ laughter ] it will amount to nothing in the end.

>> seth: will you -- is that how you've always felt about bathroom attendants? will you admit that much >> you know, your heart sinks when you see them. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] yeah >> oh, my god, 'cause then, you know, you're going -- i mean, you don't want them there. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> why are they there? >> seth: yeah. >> it's horrible you know >> seth: you'd be fine without them >> oh, yes yes. >> seth: yeah. >> wait outside. then go in >> seth: right >> you know? and then there's -- there's the whole tip issue. >> seth: right >> right >> seth: which is getting -- genuinely getting harder because people - >> yeah. >> seth: and nobody carries cash anymore. >> right >> seth: yeah. >> there's a tip basket, and as you pee, you go in -- i got no money for this guy you know [ laughter ] you got to say, "i'll come back. i'll come back [ laughter ] i'm so sorry." yeah >> seth: have you -- be honest have you ever come back? have you left -- >> no. [ laughter ] >> seth: thank you for your -- you -- you were here a couple years ago. but i'm very lucky i run into you every now and then in the summer >> yes >> seth: i feel like we both feel about the same about the summer and we feel the same about the beach.

do you -- are you a fan? >> could not loathe it more. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> i just don't see -- i don't see why anybody would be on that surface. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> you know, it's just -- it's in your toes and then there's the water what is -- what is up with that? it's cold. >> seth: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> who goes in cold water? why? why are you going in cold water? >> seth: some would argue -- >> how does that feel good >> seth: -- some would argue it's an bracing experience you're refreshed when you go into cold water. do you feel that way ever? >> i could do without the brace. [ laughter ] >> seth: you don't - you don't need the brace >> i don't need the brace. >> seth: yeah. >> no, i don't need it at all. but, you know, if there was grass, okay? >> seth: yeah. >> and the ocean, maybe once in a blue moon. [ laughter ] we'll -- >> seth: that's -- there you got a lake you've just described a lake [ laughter ] >> oh, did i >> seth: i'm -- i'm a far bigger fan of the lakes than the ocean. >> oh, the lake is a beautiful thing. >> seth: oh, there's no downside to the lake. yeah >> oh, i love the -- i love the mountain thing

you know >> seth: yeah. >> the mountain. the cabin. eh, not so much the cabin. >> seth: right [ laughter ] the idea of the cabin. >> the idea. >> seth: yeah. >> and the lake -- >> seth: yeah. >> i find -- i find a lot better >> seth: yeah. >> than the ocean and the -- that sand. [ light laughter ] >> seth: well, the sand, you walk in -- the other thing i hate about the sand and the ocean, sand, sand, ocean, now you're wet, you come out covered in sand. the sand sticks to you >> yes >> seth: only way to get it off, back in the ocean. it's just vicious -- [ laughter ] >> it's a terrible - >> seth: -- a vicious cycle. >> -- terrible cycle what you love -- i don't know where they have this, but i think i've seen it somewhere, you know, the faucet >> seth: yeah. >> you know, for the feet. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> that's -- that's good >> seth: yeah. >> yeah. >> seth: it's just they don't have it next to a lot of oceans. that's the problem >> that's a problem. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> that's a problem. >> seth: i've seen it at a pool --- like, a pool house or something. yeah but, you know, this what we're talking about. and a lot of people we know, friends we have in common, they love the beach they would like nothing more >> they love the beach and love their boats. >> seth: yeah. >> the boats >> seth: yup >> now that's crazy. >> seth: yup >> okay? [ laughter ]

>> seth: i don't want -- yeah. >> to be on a boat why? >> seth: yeah. >> why are you on a boat >> seth: right >> everything in the world is off the boat on the land [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah. >> there's nothing on the boat >> seth: i can appreciate people who get on a boat -- years ago, i want to say i'm not disparaging people who years ago went from one country to another on a boat. >> on the boat of course. >> seth: that's fine >> a mode of transportation. >> seth: yes, of course. >> i understand that >> seth: yes >> yes >> seth: i tip my cap to them. >> me, too >> seth: but people who say -- [ laughter ] >> i'll reveal my bald head to that yes. yeah >> seth: we -- and then the other thing is, most boats you got to get on the little boat to go out to the boat >> the dinghy. >> seth: yeah. >> yeah. >> seth: you got to get in the dinghy [ light laughter ] a precarious - >> what name by the way, what name. yeah >> seth: yeah, exactly they were trying to tell you with the name, this is what idiots do. [ laughter ] why is it called the dinghy? it's for idiots. >> it's for idiots [ laughter ] no, you take the dinghy to the other boat >> seth: yeah. >> now you take the other boat out. >> seth: yeah. >> to do what? >> seth: right [ laughter ] >> to look look around? >> seth: yeah. >> what, think about what

[ laughter ] >> seth: you can't think over the -- the motorboat try to think over that >> yeah, and by the way, it's dangerous. >> seth: yeah. >> there's water you can drown in that. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> you know? >> seth: and you're going to the -- >> yeah. >> seth: -- the edge of the water is the least dangerous part boat people are like, "let's go to the middle. >> the middle. yeah >> seth: yeah. the most dangerous >> no, it's insane you're out there you're left alone with your own thoughts >> seth: yeah. >> and what are those thoughts >> seth: yeah, i don't - >> you know? >> seth: -- i want to go back to land and distract myself >> i'm gonna have a heart attack i don't like my socks. you know [ laughter ] what are these thoughts? yeah >> seth: you have to -- i will say, one thing we did this summer was we played poker >> yes >> seth: that i liked. do you like playing poker? >> i -- you know, as you know, i'm terrible at it >> seth: yeah, you're not good >> yeah. no, not good [ light laughter ] >> seth: what do you think - what is your downside? >> it's an interesting thing >> seth: yeah. >> you know? i can't -- [ laughter ] -- i can't bluff >> seth: yeah. >> i try to bluff. >> seth: right >> but the heat radiates from my head [ laughter ] like, everybody knows i'm bluffing i can't act it

>> seth: yeah. >> you know? why can't i act like i don't have anything? >> seth: i think the problem is your entire life you have sort of famously made a name for yourself by saying exactly what you're thinking. [ light laughter ] and so to, like, pull back and all of a sudden be inscrutable, that is not a skill you have developed. >> yes, i can't -- i can't do it i just -- i get very self-conscious >> seth: yep >> and i go, "they know. they know. they know. they know. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> you know, it's going on in my head, "they know don't do it. don't do it. and yet i'll continue to stay in, put more money in, thinking someone might go out but they don't go out >> seth: no. you're -- and you sing a lot you sing at the table. >> i sing at the table i love to sing yeah [ light laughter ] >> seth: you do. >> yeah. >> seth: it's -- you have a wonderful singing voice. not a lot of people know that. >> i don't know. i wouldn't go that far >> seth: yeah, i was bluffing. i was bluffing >> you were bluffing [ laughter ] you got me [ applause ] you got me yeah >> seth: well, this is -- did you have any hesitation before doing season ten or do you still have the same enjoyment for it >> no, i really like it. >> seth: yeah. >> yeah. but, of course, there's hesitation

>> seth: what is your -- is your fear, like, it's not going to be as much fun? is it not going to be as good? what do you hesitate on? >> yeah, might not be as good. you know >> seth: yeah. >> stuff like that it will -- yeah. >> seth: and j.b. smoove is back again. one of the all-time greats >> he's the greatest yeah >> seth: and i guess he has -- he come in season four or five leon is it around then? >> six >> seth: okay, came in season six. >> yeah. >> seth: he was here on tuesday. >> uh-huh. >> seth: and i told him you were coming and i would like to try to describe what he did, but i think it's better if we let j.b. describe what he did real quick. >> seth: larry's actually coming on the show on thursday. so, you had an idea you could maybe do this. >> i do a thing with all my friends that's called "message for that ass." [ laughter ] it's kind of like putting a message in a bottle, but you put it in a sofa you know [ light laughter ] it's just a way of touching base with people, and let them know you care about them. >> seth: right [ laughter ] >> now, this message is not for the person, said person. it's for their ass >> seth: oh, okay. >> know what i'm saying? [ laughter ] so, it's a message for their

ass. [ light laughter ] >> seth: and now i believe if you want to check -- i believe he left the message in the couch. >> oh, geez. oh, dear >> seth: you have to look. [ laughter ] >> really? do i have to >> seth: yeah, i think it's -- i think it's in the -- >> it's under the seat or it's in the couch >> seth: yeah, yeah. i think it's under this seat right? yeah. yeah >> no, there's no seat here. >> seth: what? >> larry's seat. >> my seat >> seth: it's under larry's seat yeah >> okay. oh, here it is >> seth: all right there you go >> oh. >> seth: so this is what j.b. wrote for us let us know what he said [ light laughter ] >> "sending a -- [ laughter ] -- sending a message for your ass. [ laughter ] filled with love --" >> seth: yeah. >>" --filled with love for season ten from my ass to yours, larry. [ laughter ] by the way, don't tell seth but while i was -- [ laughter ] >> seth: is it too personal? >> -- no, it's just -- "by the way, don't tell seth, but while i was there laughing, i farted hard. [ laughter ] >> seth: hard.

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♪ [ cheers and applause >> seth: welcome back, everybody. we're here with larry david. now, larry, you would admit that you have a way of cutting through all of the bs in everyday life that most people cannot >> eh. eh i suppose you could say that >> seth: yeah. like, for example, i saw you backstage before the show. i said, "i'm really excited that you're back. and you said, "excited, excited seems like a strong word." [ light laughter ] >> yeah. i mean, you know, you do this every day. this is what excites you >> seth: yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] all right, i guess i'm jealous of your ability to be honest, so i got to thinking, wouldn't it

be nice if everyone had their own larry david to say what they're really thinking at any given moment and you were kind enough to grant me and members of our staff that wish. let's take a look. >> okay. so the idea would be what's melania thinking and we would take, like, photos of melania and we put a thought balloon over her head and the joke would be what she's thinking, like, "get me the hell out of this marriage." or "even my hands are bigger than this guy's hands. you know, stuff like that. >> seth: yeah, yeah, interesting. >> and it would be repeatable because there are so many photos and clips of melania out there >> seth: uh-huh. >> so do you want to try it for rehearsal or - >> seth: let me think about it >> all right, come on. [ laughter ] i can't listen to this "let me think about it." are you serious? he's not gonna -- he doesn't want to think about it >> really, cause - he said it was interesting >> interesting that was a fake interesting. [ light laughter ] >> what's a fake interesting >> fake interesting is this. here's a fake interesting. oh, interesting. [ light laughter ] here's a real interesting. interesting. [ laughter ] >> well, i do have other ideas that i could pitch

>> i'll bet. that was your first idea, i'm sure it was your best. right? please, you're insulting us here [ laughter ] >> it was my best idea yeah you're right and i do apologize >> okay. apology accepted [ light laughter ] >> seth: it comes so easy to you. >> there's nothing to it >> seth: it's not hard at all? >> no. >> seth: you don't worry about his feelings >> who gives a [ bleep ] [ laughter ] >> i understand, honey, but the teacher says he keeps acting out in class so we need to go in and talk to her. >> sorry >> it's okay >> look, i think she's being unfair to him, too >> okay. >> we have to go - >> all right okay hold on. time-out time-out not good >> what? >> it's not good it's not good. >> what's not good >> there's a hallway call. you're making a hallway call at your desk. unacceptable >> well, i was at the bottom half of the call though. >> oh, were you? >> yes >> no. bull [ bleep ] you were at the top half of the call there was a long way to go in that call. >> how do you know how do you know how long - >> how do i know sounds like your kid has a lot of problems. what's he doing in that school [ laughter ] >> it's none of your business. >> oh, really? >> yeah. >> well, you're telling

everybody in the office. so what do you mean it's none of my business? >> well, now - >> you know what, you're spending too much time in the office you should be home taking care of your son. >> i have to work. >> you have to work and, meanwhile, what's your son doing? >> he just - >> beating kids up >> no, he just threw some food on the floor he wouldn't beat some kids up. >> oh, that's -- that's good behaved. listen -- who you talking to your wife? >> my wife >> go in the hall. go in the hall it's enough. >> fine. yes. yeah, honey, i don't know what's going on >> yeah, i know what's going on. [ laughter ] you're a terrible father and your kid's a maniac. that's what's going on doesn't take a genius to figure that out am i right >> thank you >> you're welcome. [ light laughter ] >> so, yeah, if you could go down to the salad place and get me a greek salad, feta on the side, add quinoa and balsamic vinaigrette, no olives, and add the grilled chicken. >> got it. >> yeah. okay [ light laughter ] are you kidding? >> what? >> that's not a greek salad. you call that a greek salad? two substitutions at best. quinoa and chicken and take this

out and take that out. what are you doing >> i get the salad all the time. >> you don't get it all the time she gets it all the time [ laughter ] she's the one who has to go and be humiliated by telling them all these ridiculous items that you want right? you don't enjoy doing that, do you? >> i look like a dick. [ laughter ] >> come on what is that you know what you are? you're finicky by proxy. >> finicky by proxy? >> yes, finicky by proxy >> what does that mean >> that means that she's the one who's the jerk and not you you're mr. white glove sitting in your office with all your substitutions waiting for her to come back. okay i want to see you go down and get it i want to see you say the -- you say those substitutions to that guy. okay >> okay. fine >> let's see how you do. and you know what, tape it >> okay, all right >> i'd like to see his reaction. here's what you're going to get. "uh, jesus." [ laughter ] >> okay. fine yeah i'll do it myself. >> okay. >> i'll ask them >> okay. >> all right >> get lost. >> all right okay >> i'll be here. >> okay. >> okay.

>> do you want a coffee or something? >> you know what, i think i'm gonna have a bagel with cream cheese. not too much okay [ laughter ] tomato thinly sliced >> okay. >> a thinly sliced onion >> i love that >> okay? >> yeah. >> don't come back with big chunks of onion. and maybe a little cucumber. [ laughter ] you're not going to kill anybody. >> cucumber. that's fun >> hey, guys sophie and i would like to have all of you over for dinner this thursday you know, about 8:00 we were thinking, you know, it'd be nice for everyone to get together outside of work and enjoy a nice meal together [ laughter ] >> have you lost your mind >> what? >> what, are you serious you're inviting them for dinner? nobody wants to go to your house. after working with you all day where did you get this idea from >> i'd just thought it would be fun. maybe they want to see my apartment, you know. >> they want to see your apartment? [ laughter ]

what is it a sleek fifth avenue apartment or something what's the big deal with your apartment? how many bathrooms do you have >> one and a half. >> what's the half >> you knows it's like a -- there's a toilet and a sink. there's no tub for showering >> okay. >> so it's a half. >> do you want to go to his house? not really speak up speak up >> i don't want to go to your house. [ laughter ] >> do you want to go to his house? no no nobody wants to go to your house. i'm sorry. they don't >> no. >> what do you say to that bad idea >> yeah. >> it was a bad idea, larry. >> yes okay i guess it's a bad idea, larry yeah >> yes, very bad idea. >> bad, very bad >> you know why? because you're co-workers, you're not really friends. you don't really like each other. there's a lot of competition here you know, everybody actually hates each other [ light laughter ] they just pretend to like each other. right? >> i guess that's the case >> you probably hate everybody more than the others because you want fool them into thinking you like them more by inviting them to dinner.

see they just saw through the whole charade. i'm sorry. >> yeah. all right. i guess you're right >> so apologize to everybody [ laughter ] >> i'm sorry, everyone, for the charade. >> i really don't like you all very much. >> i don't like you all very much [ laughter ] >> perfect >> yeah. >> perfect perfect. let's say, yeah, i feel the same way. i feel the same way. >> yeah, i feel the same way >> yeah, yeah, yeah, we all feel the same >> okay. all right. >> okay. all right. >> great >> okay. go back to work. [ light laughter ] >> seth: thank you so much for being here today >> come on >> seth: no. it was good. it was fun you had a good time? fun time >> yeah. fun. >> seth: in that case, when do you think you might want to come back >> no, no, no, no, he does not want to come back. [ laughter and applause he's here now. he's fulfilling his obligation as we speak. >> seth: yeah, but i just thought if he had a good time. you know, he could say no if he doesn't want to come back. >> no, he couldn't no one wants to say no directly. the human race is a cowardly and indirect people. that's where it's at now

you don't want to look someone in the face and say, "no." no one wants to do an eyeball "no. you want to do an email "no. you want to do a text "no. you want to send your damn hologram to fill in for you so you can lie and make an excuse without looking at your sad face your face is very sad right now. [ laughter ] i wish i had those mirrored sunglasses on so you could the reflection of your face. sad. sadness. >> you know, i could have said all that >> yeah, could have said it, but you didn't say [ bleep ] [ laughter ] >> you know, i saw you take those pencils, jay [ cheers and applause >> seth: larry david, everybody. "curb your enthusiasm" returns for its tenth season january 19th on hbo. we'll be right back with "amber says what. [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ limu emu & doug [ siren ]

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[ cheers and applause ♪ >> seth: every wednesday and friday we release a podcast edition of "late night" so you can catch up on the go it's audio from the show and includes "a closer look," comedy bits, and guest interviews plus extra things exclusive for the podcast, like bonus backstage interviews, chats with the "late night" staff, original comedy sketches, and more. head to latenightsethpodcast.com to subscribe and it's free, which is great. [ sirens ] have you ever wondered what the motorcade driver drives, when they're not in the motorcade? ♪ [ car engine revving ] this one drives a volkswagen passat. good ideas catch on fast.

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♪ [ cheers and applause >> seth: welcome back. we don't always have enough time to cover everything in the recent news. so here with a recap is of one of our writers, amber ruffin, in a segment we call "amber says what." [ cheers and applause ♪ >> hey, you guys things have been crazy okay first of all, the "cats" movie came out and people who love musicals were like, "what? and people who love cats were like, "what? and everyone else was like, "what?

[ light laughter ] then i heard they were in such a hurry to get it out by christmas that they sent it into theaters unfinished now, you can tell if you're seeing the unfinished version because you can see judi dench's hand and i was like, "what? does it matter these cats have whole ass human faces. don't anybody care about a hand? [ light laughter ] give judi dench a pair of mittens and get on with it then i heard that trump was talking trash about greta thunberg and i was like, "what. of course he's going to try to rag on greta thunberg. he hates children. he tried to send five children to prison for a crime they didn't commit. he hates children. he takes them away from their families at the border the man hates children he wouldn't even help this child and he was home alone lost in new york [ laughter ] then madame tussauds wax museum unveiled their new statue of nicki minaj. and i looked at that statue and was like, "what?

[ laughter ] who is that? how could you mess up so badly what picture did you use as a reference? one somebody drew? now i can't help but notice you got the face wrong but the ass right? [ laughter ] who made this statue, a 13-year-old boy? [ light laughter ] this doesn't look like nicki minaj. it looks like the lady who calls the cops when you play nicki minaj too loud [ light laughter ] then i heard rod stewart punched a bouncer and i was like, "what? old singer is he is he this one and my friend was like, "no. and then i was like, "is he this one? and my friend was like, "no. then i was like, "is he this one? and my friend was like, "yes." i was like, "what? [ laughter ] what, what, what, what ♪ and you think i'm sexy come on suga let me what ♪ [ light laughter ] it was very fun. then i heard actress sharon stone was blocked on bumble and i was like, "what is bumble?" because i'm married.

apparently, it's a dating app and people were reporting her account as fake because they couldn't believe it was really sharon stone and i was like, "what is sharon stone doing on a dating app? there should be a dating app where people sign up to date sharon stone in fact, i'm going to make one try to date sharon stone with a new dating app, romancing the stone. [ light laughter ] with romancing the stone, love's just a sharon stone's throw away ♪ [ laughter ] speaking of famous blondes, put rod stewart back up. i have another one ♪ forever wha forever what ♪ [ light laughter ] then everyone was talking about how dr. phil's son put his house up for sale and i was like, "what, who cares?" but everyone was like, "you got to look at it. and i did and i was like, "what? a person lives here? then i saw that his house had a

wall of guns in it and i was like, "what? if you're a psychologist and your son has a wall of guns, you are a bad psychologist [ laughter ] hey, speaking of bad boys, put rod stewart back up. [ light laughter ] ♪ have i told you lately that what what ♪ [ laughter ] then i saw miss america, miss usa, and miss teen usa are all black women and i was like, "what, what? then a black lady won miss universe and i was like, "what? then another lady won miss world and i was like, "what? see, white people, we can have nice stuff, too. it won't kill you. [ laughter ] oh, i was so proud of them then i was like, "wait, is every black woman a pageant winner am i a pageant winner? and then i checked and i am. [ cheers and applause this has been "miss late night says what. ♪ >> seth: give it up for amber, everybody. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ♪

i'm tom steyer and i approve this message. climate is the number 1 priority. i would declare a state of emergency on day 1. congress has never passed an important climate bill, ever. this is a problem that continues to get worse. i've spent a decade fighting and beating oil companies... stopping pipelines... stopping fossil fuel plants, ensuring clean energy across the country. how are we going to pull this country together? we take on the biggest challenge in history, we save the world and do it together.

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♪ [ cheers and applause >> seth: my thanks to larry david, caitlin kalafus, "miss late night," amber ruffin. and of course, the 8g band stay tuned for "lilly singh. we'll see you tomorrow ♪ [ cheers and applause >> announcer: tonight on "a little late with lilly singh" -- i'm going to fix the recently cancelled victoria's secret fashion show she's also wearing a night guard so she can literally say - >> not going to happen >> lilly: and i'm going to sit down and talk to the very first egot winner to also be the sexiest man alive. john legend. [ cheers and applause hey cal and calvin -

we'll be right back in one minute follow uquestion - how do i learn to sing >> well, your last name is singh. ♪ ♪