>> jimmy: my thanks to john lithgow, miranda kerr, jason mraz once again. and the roots right over there, ladies and gentlemen. stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great night. hope to see you tomorrow. bye-bye, thank you! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- julie bowen. brett ratner. comedian ben kronberg.

featuring the 8g band! and now, here he is, seth meyers! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: good evening! i'm seth meyers, this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? is everybody well? that is great to hear. that is simply great to hear. let's start with some political news. yesterday, bill clinton said he would not influence hillary's decision in regards to her possible presidential campaign. said clinton, "believe me, i can't make her do anything." [ laughter ] yesterday, president obama

announced a new series of climate change initiatives focusing on better preparation for extreme weather. and today, hawaiian tropic sunscreen introduced their new spf 3,000. [ laughter ] that's not a good sign. that you need 3,000. this is interesting. today is the 30th anniversary of the national minimum drinking age act which raised the drinking age to 21. also turning 30 today, a 16-year-old boy according to his fake id. [ laughter and applause ] so you're -- you're visiting from wyoming? yeah. my wife and i are going to a dinner party. and they asked us to bring some natural light. [ laughter ] they asked you to bring two 40s of natural light?

[ applause ] some important legal news. a federal judge ruled yesterday that california's version of the death penalty is unconstitutional. unconstitutional. apparently the difference is california's version has avocado on it. [ laughter ] it clearly states in the constitution, that's not allowed. some international news, even though both israel and hamas fired on one another during the five-hour humanitarian period yesterday, the u.n. secretary general said both sides mostly respected the cease-fire. mostly? that's like leaving the house without pants and saying you're mostly dressed. this is cool, very cool. this week, sec college football added a new rule -- a new rule saying players can only tackle quarterbacks above the knee or below the neck.

said defensive players, "what's a neck?" [ laughter and applause ] this is an odd story. an australian teenager is under arrest after stealing krispy kreme donuts from two other teenagers at knife point. and i'm guessing he wasn't too hard to catch. how long ago did this happen? half an hour? oh, wait, i think that's him. there he is, passed out under a hedge with powdered sugar all over his mouth. hey, man, you're under arrest. wake up. in more australian crime news, an australian man -- look, we want to be your home for australian crime news. [ laughter ] if we're anything to you, let us be that. you don't have to wake up in the morning and go straight to australianpoliceblotter.com. just watch us. an australian man is being

charged with attempted murder after he tried to shoot a man with a crossbow only to have it blocked by the victim's laptop computer. so from now on, he's the only person allowed to say "i would die without my laptop." [ laughter and applause ] i would literally die if i didn't have my laptop. very exciting news. brooklyn, kings county bar held its second annual smallest penis contest last month. and once again, i lost. [ cheers and applause ] i came in a very -- a very comfortable third place. this is actually kind of troubling. according to a new report, 81% of people would cheat on their

partner if there were no consequences, while 19% of people are pretty sure that this is a test. [ laughter ] she's here, right? i couldn't believe this story. a maryland man who has eaten only pizza, only pizza for the past 25 years explains his diet by saying, we're all going to die. i'm going to die with pizza in my stomach. and then, he died. this is amazing. amazing. an oklahoma city woman has identified two men who robbed her at gun point in 2011 after seeing them walking down her street on google maps. got to say, if they didn't want to be found, they should have hid in an apple map. that's where you hide.

[ applause ] and finally, this is great. a new jersey man who was on vacation in rhode island won $1 million in the rhode island lottery. he plans to use the money to take better vacations. [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, this is the 8g band! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: how we doing 8g band? lovely to see you guys. lovely to see all of you. last night on the show, we had a wonderful show last night. we had john henson on the show. john henson is one of the color commentators for the show "wipeout" and his wife, jill benjamin, is my old comedy partner. she's who i was working with when i first hired on "snl."

and jill sent a picture of us from the late '90s. this is a publicity picture from the show we were doing in chicago at the time called "pick ups & hiccups." i got to say, i'm rocking a pretty solid late '90s look in this picture. if you look, i think that's pretty good. [ laughter ] i think that looks like a dude who could do a two-episode arc on "friends." [ laughter ] top half of that photo, i've got very few problems with. don't clap yet. don't clap. 'cause the bottom half of the photo very embarrassing for me. because what is going on? [ laughter ] accordion-front pants? so many pleats. it looks like one of those folders accountants carry taxes around in. so i'm glad she sent that. also, this is an exciting week for all of us here. there are many who of us who are a huge fans of this man. but, "weird al" yankovic has a new album out this week. and check it out, "mandatory fun." it is so great.

it is so exciting for me that weird al is still making music. i remember the first time i heard the song "eat it" on the radio, i was so excited i asked my dad to pull the car over. [ laughter ] i just needed time to process -- i couldn't believe we lived in a world where someone could take a song you knew and change all the words to make it funnier. it was such a game changer. when we got home, if another family had been living in our house, i would have just been fine with it. we live in a new world now. nothing is as we thought it was. so, highly recommend "mandatory fun" congratulations to weird al, still making music all these years later. [ applause ] we have an excellent show for you tonight. from "modern family" and the new disney movie "planes: fire and rescue" the lovely julie bowen is here. [ applause ]

i'd never met julie before. i met julie bowen at the golden globes last year. we presented together. and it was my -- it was her job to read the winner. we were doing best actor in a comedy for television and andy samberg won. in one of the classiest moves of all time, when julie opened it and saw it was my friend, she let me read it off the envelope. what a classy lady. what a smart, classy lady. [ applause ] so happy she's here. also the director of the film "hercules", brett ratner will be stopping by. [ cheers and applause ] looking forward to that. and we'll have standup from the very funny comedian ben kronberg. [ cheers and applause ] very funny. so you've noticed, fred is not with us tonight. fred is in portland working on season five of "portlandia." we're very excited about that. we're huge "portlandia" fans here. but of course, we miss fred when he's not here. we're very happy, though, because we've developed a way to keep fred involved when he's gone that is something we are calling "fred ex." now, i need to stress that is

not in conjunction with fed ex. we're not receiving money from fed ex, but that's only because we were too stupid to ask before we started doing it. we lost all of our negotiating position by doing this. we can't ask them for money now because they would say "why, are you going to stop?" and we'd have to go "no." just to recap, on tuesday we sent fred a package. we filled it with three costume props and a field question. fred's job was to open it in portland, and film himself putting on the props, creating a character -- no one creates characters quite like fred armisen -- and then having someone read him the question and answering it in that character. improvising and answer in that character. so let's look at this week's edition of "fred ex." >> fred: hi. i'm fred. and i'm here in portland, oregon. i got the fedex box here. it's unopened. how is everybody doing out there? oh, that's good. [ laughter ] hat, glasses. put those on right away.

look at that. i kind of like these. are these pants? oh, it's like a scarf almost. i look like an architect. it's like a german -- i like to design opera houses. do you think that's good? or should this guy be, like more italian? i like it. it might be weird. to me, this seems like an american building designer. what is design to me is a reconfiguring of open space and enclosed space. we've done all kinds of perfunctory buildings around the country and around the world, including canada. [ laughter ] we mostly like to utilize the use of shapes like rectangles and squares but without having to be confined to the inside of the spaces themselves. which seems like it would kind of contradict itself.

nonetheless, it will still create all the room one would need for a business or even a home or even a factory. got a question coming up here? >> are angels real? >> the question is, are angels real? i think the real question is, is reality real? is real real? because the moment you delve into an area where an angel can be part of a reality, then i suppose in that case, then they could be unreal. and it's the unreal that i'm most interested in. we had a building that was built and we did it all without window, without glass. so it was tremendously windy in there and rainy.

but it was still an attention-getting building. and is it the attention that a building wants? or is it the fact that it can be utilized? i think it can be both. so thank you very much for your question and look forward to seeing you next week. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: give it up for fred armisen. we miss you, fred. we hope you're having fun. we'll send you a package next week. we'll be right back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪("fancy" by iggy azalea) i'm so fancy, you already know. i'm in the fast lane, from l.a. to tokyo. i'm so fancy, can't you taste this gold? remember my name,

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back to "late night." ladies and gentlemen, we have an excellent show tonight, but before we continue, as has become the custom here at "late night" it behooves me to take pause and introduce the many distinguished guests we have sitting in our studio audience tonight. they are luminaries in mathematics and physics who make albert einstein look like a third-rate math tutor. world leaders who make churchill look like a third-rate homeroom representative. and artists who make picasso look like a painter who sucks. [ laughter ] so without further ado, please welcome noted quantum physicist, dr. carl boomdegard. dr. boomdegard. give it up for dr. boomdegard. [ applause ] who developed the mathematical formula for determining the

correct time and place to ask your father-in-law for money. let's see that formula. you minus integrity plus humiliation over the holidays equals "hey, tom, can i talk to you privately for a second?" [ laughter and applause ] i sit before this next individual with both humility and the utmost reverence and respect. mara rubichon, the inventor of the giant cheese wheel is here. mara. give it up for mara rubichon. [ applause ] had the idea for the giant cheese wheel when she thought to herself, what is an unreasonable amount of cheese for someone to bring to a party? like a portion that any large group of people could not possibly finish. mara, please accept this gift from "late night." you reap what you sow, mara. you reap what you sow. [ applause ] we could all die do tonight completely fulfilled knowing that we were able to get a glimpse of this next individual, harriet rains. harriet was the first person to swim halfway across the english channel, get tired and swim all the way back.

[ laughter ] harriet, you fool! it was just as far to the other side. you had it! ladies and gentlemen, please welcome pigs blood. pigs blood has the worst first-last name combination in the history of mankind. but has a very solid middle name, david. sturdy, biblical. give it up for pigs david blood. [ applause ] and sitting in front of him are chad and brad douglas. a.k.a. the famous douglas twins. [ laughter ] when they were born 25 years ago, they were heralded by doctors as the most identical twins ever. no one could have ever guessed that in such a short time they would drift so far apart. [ applause ] at least their speaking voices still sound the same. ladies and gentlemen, ben warheit is here.

ben writes for the show and wrote everything i'm about to say right now. rah rah sis boom bah, i'm a pretty little schoolgirl with daffodils in my hair. ben, that's not cool, man. >> keep reading the cue cards. >> seth: i wear pink frilly dresses and when i get messes my mommy washes the goldilocks tresses. okay, i'm not reading this next thing. >> you can only get to the next card if you read to the end of the one before it. that's cue card rules. >> seth: that is cue card rules! fine. dancing and prancing in my pink little tutu, ouchy ouchy daddy kiss my boo boo. there, are you happy ben? are you happy with yourself? >> super happy. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> seth: ladies and gentlemen, my heart is aflutter because my split screen mistress shannon revord is here. now, i have ever physically touched shannon, but our

split-screen chemistry is too hot to handle. shannon, not now, i'm -- look at me, shannon. you're right. look to your right. [ laughter ] the other way, honey. i can't talk to you now, i'm in the middle of a show. oh, who am i kidding. kiss me, shannon. [ applause ] ah, no, shannon! we have to stop. we can't keep meeting in split-screen like this. people will start to talk. moving on, i am humbled and i am honored to welcome this next individual to our studio audience, james andrews, the world's most passive aggressive roommate is here. [ laughter ] james is known the world over for curtly saying "i got it, it's fine." when his roommate offers to help take out the garbage. he'll also look at his roommate's empty bowl of macaroni and cheese that's been sitting on the coffee table all

afternoon, and ask "are you done with that?" james, you are truly an icon of indirect hostility. and sitting next to james is james' roommate. dude, i don't agree with what he's doing, but you could stand to be a little neater. and behind them is -- shannon, my darling, where are you? i was thinking about you the whole time i was talking about james and his roommate. i was thinking about you. i just miss those split-screen eyes and that split-screen hair. oh, shannon, i bet you smell like peach blossoms. unfortunately i'll never know because there will always be this divide between us. but i need your split-screen love right now. let's eskimo kiss. let's butterfly kiss. now let's schnoz kiss. that's where you kiss the tip of my nose and then i kiss the tip of your nose. [ applause ] what am i doing!

she's a drug and i'm an addict. i'm a married man! ladies and gentlemen, this next man has lived one of the most bizarre lives of anyone in human history. josh baskin is here. in 1988, josh found a fortune-telling machine at a carnival called "zoltar speaks" and made a wish to become big. the next morning josh transformed into a 30-year-old man. and while he at first enjoyed the perks of being an adult, the money, sexual intercourse and having legs long enough to play "chopsticks" on an oversized piano at fao schwartz, he soon realized that the pressures of adult were too much. he ultimately found the same zoltar machine from the carnival, and wished to become a kid again. josh now has mortgage and a family to support and desperately hopes to once again find that zoltar machine so that he can wish to become small. and finally, shannon, my dove, where are you? i need to talk to you. shannon, thank god. there you are. look at me. put your forehead to mine. i have something to tell you. shannon, this is it.

this bit is over, and i'll be honest, i don't know when we'll be around split-screen technology ever again. you have filled the last five minutes of my life with pure joy. and i'll never forget this time we shared. look, i know you're lost and you're looking for something out there in this world. i hope you find it. but i want to tell you something right now, something important, something i hope you'll never forget. turn your head so i can whisper in your ear. [ laughter ] do you understand me? goodbye, shannon. and thank you. and thank you to all our distinguished guests. we'll be right back with julie bowen. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

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and rescue" which hits theatres this friday. let's take a look. >> dusty crop hopper. >> dusty crop hopper? dusty crop hopper? the air ranger? >> hi. >> shut the hanger door. i'm your biggest fan. i have seen every single one of your races in rsn. wow! you're smaller than i thought. but that's okay. >> um, thanks? >> so what is a world famous racing superstar doing here? >> well, i'm here because i'm in between races right now. so i'm helping out some friends. >> oh, that's so sweet. i'm dipper. that's what everyone calls me so you can, too. >> okay. missus? >> miss. miss, yeah. >> dipper? >> dipper. yep. >> seth: please welcome julie bowen! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: it's so lovely to have you here. >> i know! the last time i saw you, we were

back stage at the golden globes, and i offered to be the guest for the entire week of your test run. >> seth: you did, you were so nice. >> i know. you didn't take me up on that. >> seth: we were -- you're not the kind of person -- i don't want to waste you on a test show. i want to do the real deal. >> i want to do every single test run night. but you, i didn't realize -- for those of you who don't know, seth is multitalented. and you were a writer. >> seth: i did. i helped out on the golden globes. >> on the golden globes. i thought you were some sort of idiot savant when it comes to award shows. he was very serious back stage, staring at the monitor, going -- [ laughter ] like, commenting silently. i had no idea that you had written it and were judging yourself. >> seth: i wrote a very little part of it. but i will say, i had a terrible habit, even in the early "snl" days, if i had written something. there are sketches in my first year where i'm talking other people's lines. >> on camera? >> seth: on camera. >> that is really -- that's amazing. [ laughter ] i feel so glad that i noticed that. i kept looking, going "is that a fun guy?"

like i was expecting him to be a super fun guy, he's at the monitor going -- and i thought well, to each his own. and they're like "he wrote the show." and then i thought oh, my god, i'm an idiot. >> seth: no, i'm the idiot. no one should talk -- no on should move their lips when they're watching television. >> do you move your lips when you read? i'm just wondering. >> seth: sometimes yes, but only for the hard words. >> only the long ones. >> seth: congratulations. you're nominated again for an emmy. five times. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. thank you. we're sp lucky. >> seth: is it exciting? is it still exciting? >> oh, it's more exciting. because when you're new, everybody is like "oh, it's new, it's hot, it's fun." but we're going into our sixth season, so we cherish every viewer. we love you very, very much. and you're hosting. >> seth: i'm hosting. >> what are you going to wear? >> seth: probably sweats. i got this sweat pants tuxedo. >> good look. >> seth: i just wanted something that breathes. >> something that says i know new york. >> seth: yes. >> i speak jersey, i speak "sopranos." >> seth: yes. >> right, right. >> seth: classic zip up. i want a nice zipper.

>> something that zips and you can change. >> seth: when do you start thinking about what you're going to wear? 'cause you probably -- >> i should technically, i should have already thought about the that. >> seth: gotcha. >> some people even think about it before the nominations come out. but i'm like a -- i don't want to curse it. >> seth: gotcha, i wouldn't want to jinx it either. >> also, i'll take the dregs. i'll take whatever is left over. because i feel like that's my best opportunity. if i'm just wearing the dregs, then i might actually win. >> seth: good luck dregs. >> good luck dregs. that's right. >> seth: so, you are in this new pixar movie. >> yes. >> seth: you had a premier -- >> disney. disney. >> seth: disney. sorry. >> someone's gonna kill you. >> seth: we'll fix it. watch this. watch what i'm gonna do. >> a tiny mouse comes down and goes -- [ laughter ] >> seth: that's great. that's great. >> go ahead. >> seth: is that how it happens? >> i understand it does. sometimes it's minnie mouse. it's adorable. but she still comes down and goes -- >> seth: and that must be so terrible, because when you first see them you're probably happy. >> let's not mess this up, brother. >> so, you're in this new disney movie.

>> yeah, i am. it's an amazing -- it's "planes: fire and rescue." it comes after the first "planes", but it's kind of a whole new movie. >> seth: whole different "planes." >> whole different "planes." >> seth: and you have a 7-year-old and two 5-year-olds. correct? >> that's correct. that's correct. >> seth: and you brought them to the premier? >> i brought them to the premier. they were -- they were astounded and excited and i was thrilled because we only had to do two bathroom breaks during the movie. which, my kids -- whatever goes in, volume in, volume out. >> seth: nothing stays. >> oh, no. it's almost like a medical condition. like if we get in the car for a long drive and they're drinking, when they're done drinking i'm like hand me that because we're about to fill it in about ten. [ laughter ] >> with what, mom. and i'm like "you'll see." and sure enough, like clock work, it's 20 minutes later, gotta pee. and i'm like "brace yourself because mommy is not stopping and she's not turning around." [ laughter ] >> seth: wow. >> they can do it, too. they've gotten to the age where i'm like "there you go. there you go." [ applause ]

>> seth: that sounds so efficient. >> if we stopped every time one of three boys has to pee -- one who, we've gotten to say, and i wish we had it on film, because he goes "i have a drinking problem." [ laughter ] >> it's cute and not cute all at once. he would drink every meal if he could, we would never get anywhere. we would drive, pull over, drive, pull over. >> seth: now, you play a plane in this movie. >> mm-hmm. a sexy plane. a fun plane. >> seth: first time you've played a plane? >> yes. this is my first animated movie actually. i've done commercial voiceovers, and stuff, but that's, like, more salesy. this was fun because i got to be kind of weird and kind of -- not a stalker. i'm an enthusiastic fan. >> seth: that's great. again, when you do it, do you know what you look like? do you know what your plane looks like? >> i saw sketches and some mock-ups and stuff. but i didn't -- it didn't register for me that she's way bigger than dusty. >> seth: right. >> it did not -- until, really, this last week

when i was doing press and stuff i was like "i'm playing a big girl." [ laughter ] >> seth: you are. >> my whole life i was called little and scrawny and i'm like "i'm a big girl, now." i'm a super capacity air tanker. bam! >> seth: it's a healthy look for you. [ applause ] >> healthy, that's right. >> seth: starting season six, i have to imagine you have your own kids, you kind of have these tv kids that you watched grow up. >> oh, yeah. >> seth: do you have a good relationship with your tv children? >> i do. i do. when they were, like, 10 and 11 when we started, they would listen to me. and i could be like "put down that cell phone" or "get off the internet." i could kind of boss them around a little. even though their moms were like i'm right here. but now they're 16 and they're like -- they just go back to whatever they were doing. they ignore me, but i do still feel -- i'll steal nolan's phone every now and again to see he texts with this girl. you know who you are. and i don't approve. >> seth: you don't approve?

>> i think she's leading him on, it makes me angry. >> seth: oh, my goodness! >> oh, it makes me angry, he's better than that. >> seth: oh my goodness. this is great. well, i hope you do know who you are and i hope this has come across loud and clear. >> i hope she steps it up. >> seth: that's right. that's the way to do it. >> you don't text more than one boy in that way. do you know what i mean? >> seth: i do, but i think i'm from another generation. >> let me put it in a way you can understand. you don't split-screen with more than one gal. [ laughter ] >> do you understand that language? >> seth: shannon's is my only. shannon is my only. [ cheers and applause ] >> you can't do that. >> seth: thank you so much. now i understand. thank you so much. it's always an education when i talk to you. thank you very much. >> you're welcome. >> seth: give it up for julie bowen, everyone! check out "planes: fire and rescue." the disney film, in theaters tomorrow. we'll be right back with brett ratner. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back to "late night," everyone. our next guest is the director and producer known for such films as the "rush hour" series and "horrible bosses." his new film "hercules" opens in theatres everywhere friday, july 25th. let's take a look. >> we are too late.

[ shouting ] >> and, we've walked into a trap. >> surrender now, and we shall consider being merciful. >> look at me. do i look afraid? [ shouting ] [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: please welcome brett ratner! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: so, looks great. "hercules" has been interpreted, re-interpreted, so many times. what made you want to take on hercules? >> for me, actually was because when i was a kid, i used to draw

comic books, and i was obsessed with drawing comic books. and i found a comic book that i drew, superman versus hercules. so hercules has been on my mind. i've always wanted to do an epic film and this is it. and it's starting dwayne johnson. >> seth: dwayne johnson seems perfect for "hercules." he seems like a no-brainer. did you -- was that always who you had in mind? did you meet with him? >> no, you know, i developed the script, and then i got a call saying dwayne johnson wants to meet me. never met him before. comes over to my house, sits down on my couch, looks me in the eye and says, "i was born to play hercules." [ laughter ] when dwayne johnson tells you he was born to play hercules -- >> seth: yeah, yeah. >> you believe him. >> seth: yeah. and then he said, "and you were born to make me lunch." i would make him lunch. i would go do that then. you built giant sets. >> yeah. >> seth: right? is that -- >> well, most of these movies, if you think about it, there's some great ones that been made. "300." >> seth: mhm. >> you know, "clash of the titans." these are -- a lot of them are shot on green screen. we actually built the set because i was a kid when i dreamed of this. and walking on to the set a block long, okay?

with hundreds of thousands of soldiers battling with weapons and stuff. i said, "this is like --" i had to pinch myself every day. >> seth: what happens to those sets after you leave budapest? >> i thought they would turn into like an amusement park or something. >> seth: it's probably a starbucks. >> yeah, but they -- [ laughter ] they actually ripped them down. it was devastating. >> seth: that is devastating to hear. i have known this about you. you got your start directing music videos. >> i did. >> seth: way back in the day. and mostly -- was it mostly hip hop? >> i started with hip hop. i went to nyu film school -- i was -- i went to nyu when i was 16 years old. graduated when i was 20. wanted to be a film director, but i got an opportunity because of my relationship with russel simmons. and took me to a public enemy concert. and because he had screened one of my short films, the only people that showed up were rappers. that's the only people russell knew. and public enemy said, "we want brett to do our next video." and russell's like brett who? and he's like -- i'm standing right next to him. they go, "brett. white man brett. you friend brett." [ laughter ] and so that was my first video. and once you do one, and the day that video aired was the day --

remember they started putting the director's name on it. >> seth: yeah. >> every rapper started calling going, "i want brett ratner to do my video." so l.l. cool jay and then, jodeci, and every rapper in the world. so, i did about over 100 music videos before i did my first movie and then, of course, i did "rush hour." and that was -- that was the start of it all. >> seth: that's great. and you just posted this photo -- this is you and slick rick, right? >> that's me and slick rick. >> when i was doing music videos back in the day. [ laughter ] >> seth: that is such -- that is such an incredible way to start. >> i was much skinnier back then. [ laughter ] >> seth: you, uhh -- slick rick, just as slick? >> yeah, exactly. you, umm, what was it like working with public enemy? what -- >> it was amazing. i mean, this is in the prime of their career. i mean, and rap was, like, the thing. actually, they were opening for u2. >> seth: wow. >> and i went on tour with them. and i was responsible -- i was not only the director, but i was the producer, i was the assistant, i was carrying the equipment, i was feeding everybody. i was like doing everything. and i literally had the best time to of my life going on tour with u2.

the opening -- and i asked u2, "can i go on stage?" because of course when the opening act comes out, there's not as many people in the stadium. >> seth: right. >> when u2 comes out, it's packed, right? 75,000 people. so i would -- asked bono, "can i go out there and like put a camera out there, so when your audience -- when you come out, as if it was public enemy? [ laughter ] >> seth: oh, that's hilarious. >> so, i used the footage of like 75,000 people. [ laughter ] it was amazing. >> seth: you cut that in the video? >> exactly. >> seth: that's great. well, eventually public enemy got there. >> exactly. >> seth: so it wasn't that bad a lie. [ laughter ] i mean, again, look, it's filmmaking. it's not all real, you know. he's not really hercules. he's the rock. [ laughter ] uh, i can't wait to see it. thank you so much for being here, everybody. >> thank you. >> seth: brett ratner, everyone! [ cheers and applause ] hercules opens in theatres friday, july 25th. we'll be right back with stand-up from ben kronberg. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ this is lady. she's a unicorn...

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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: my next guest is a very funny comedian. he will be performing at the high plains comedy festival in denver, colorado, august 22nd. please welcome ben kronberg. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

[ cheers and applause ] >> so, how's everybody doing? [ cheers and applause ] so, what's everybody's names? [ laughter ] or as they say in spanish, what do you guys call yourself? [ laughter ] but in spanish. [ laughter ] so, i was playing croquet the other day. it was croquet. [ laughter ] it was just croquet. [ applause ] i bet that restaurant, the black angus, has to be on high alert for when the "g" goes out on the sign. [ laughter and applause ]

that's the one letter they can't even let go dim. [ laughter ] they've hired one person just to watch that letter. [ laughter ] who's hungry? [ laughter ] i saw a guy in a smart car the other day not wearing a seat belt. talk about a darwin-win situation. [ laughter ] i recently learned how to make solitaire into a drinking game. [ laughter and applause ] that's not even the punch line. [ laughter ] you just sit there with a deck of un-dealt cards and think about how lonely you are. [ laughter ]

it's the loneliest game on the planet. so lonely. my parents are divorced. thank you. [ laughter ] papa, are you watching? [ laughter ] my last birthday, my mom made me a fatherless chocolate cake. [ laughter ] she's gluten free. [ laughter ] my dad's name is gluten. [ laughter ] are you guys pro-reggae marriage? [ laughter ] no woman, no pride? [ laughter and applause ] if you have a friend that's been adopted and you text him happy

birthday, don't forget to put a question mark after birthday. [ laughter ] because you don't know. [ laughter ] they don't know. nobody knows. when luke skywalker wears really tight pants, he gets mark hamill-toe. [ laughter ] do you get it? was it funny? should i have to ask that? i'd never commit suicide. not that you were wondering. [ laughter ] but if i did, i would write the suicide note in wing dings. [ laughter ] and then whenever they translate

it, it would say, "no one understands me." [ laughter ] it's true. i think the best part about being blind -- [ laughter ] because there has to be a best part, right? i think the best part about being blind is never having to help anybody move. [ laughter and applause ] my girlfriend recently cut her bangs, and she asked me what i thought. and i said, "baby, bangs are like kids. they grow so fast and nobody cares about them but you." [ laughter ] all right, thank you very much. that's my time. that's my time. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: ben kronberg, everyone.

that was great. follow him on twitter, @benkronberg. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ]

[ cheers and applause ] >> my thanks to julie bowen, brett ratner! ben kronberg, once again! and of course, the 8g band! stay tuned for "carson daly." we'll see you tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

♪ >> carson: welcome to "last call" from dimples in burbank. i'm carson daly. thank you for being here tonight. we're going to be at the troubadour in a little bit for the music of you won't. plus, we've got a spotlight featuring the director and star of "blue ruin." first, we turn the spotlight over to one of the biggest names in comedy. ten years ago, comedy central's "insomniac" helped make dave attell a household name. today, he returns to the network with a new series called "comedy underground" -- plus a comedy special titled "roadwork." for more, we go to "evr" in new york city and check in with our friend, dave attell. ♪