>> lou: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, julie bowen, jamie demetriou, and music from depeche mode, with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, thank you, thank you. hi, how are you? on, that's very nice. i appreciate that. i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thank you for watching. thank you for joining us on

a cold and rainy and what was supposed to be a very bigly day. donald trump said he was going to be arrested today in new york. [ whoops ] but the day came and went and trump remains at extra-extra large. [ laughter ] he is still out there. we should have known he wasn't getting arrested the minute he said he was getting arrested. [ laughter ] and i have to say, it's really a shame he wasn't arrested today. because what better day for trump to get arrested than on rosie o'donnell's birthday? [ laughter ] wouldn't that have been sweet? wouldn't that have just been poetic? [ applause ] kind of where it all started, you know? the grand jury in new york is scheduled to meet tomorrow. we could see an indictment tomorrow. trump might not have to surrender to authorities tomorrow, he might not have to surrender until sometime next week, if at all. the "new york post" reports that trump is in "high spirits." they say his team is, quote, "very pumped" about the possibility of a big public arrest. [ laughter ] for real. they plan to "film and document it with their own camera crew, they want a shot of him in cuffs and will release the mugshot. they are loving this stuff."

[ laughter ] well, good. that makes two of us. finally we agree on something, i'm loving it too. [ cheers and applause ] i would enjoy that. trump is reported to be "reveling being back in the news and the center of attention." what a weird man. [ laughter ] here's a question, if trump goes to prison, does the secret service go with him? [ laughter ] like, do they have to be in? do they have to -- it sounds like the premise for a mark wahlberg/kevin hart movie, right? [ laughter ] "jail to the chief." the nypd is on high alert at the new york state supreme court building. officers this morning were ordered to suit up and "prepare for deployment." a huge crowd of protesters gathered to support trump. this was the scene outside trump tower. one lady finally got to blow her horn she's been keeping in her closet for who knows how many years. then this woman.

[ skreming ] well, i think he found his new secretary of the interior. [ laughter ] one reason attendance at these rallies may be lackluster is, first of all, a lot of the hardcore protesters are in jail from january 6th. [ laughter ] and also there is fear among trumpsters that calls to protest could be some sort of deep state trap. [ laughter ] i love this stuff. these people. s we could point an arrow at a painted-on tunnel and they'd all smash into it, wile e. coyote style. there has also been chatter in the trump discussion groups about driving trucks into manhattan to jam traffic. that's how you know these characters have never been to new york. you don't jam manhattan traffic. manhattan traffic jams you. okay? [ laughter ] [ applause ] in washington, a group of nutty

buddies known as republicans in the house are doing everything they can to derail this case in new york. they want to force the manhattan d.c. to testify before congress to explain why he would do such a terrible thing to our wonderful ex-president. jim jordan, the chairman of the house judiciary committee, told cnn, "we don't think president trump broke the law at all." the guy who looked the other way while college wrestlers were groped in his locker room doesn't think he broke the law at all. [ laughter ] good enough for me! [ laughter ] these republicans are bending over backwards for trump, for paying someone to be quiet about wending over backwards for trump. [ laughter ] he even got a boost from the cancun goon, texas senator ted cruz, who wrote, "if donald trump's name was 'donald smith,' the chances manhattan d.a. alvin bragg would bring the case are zero." that's actually true, you know why? because donald smith didn't do anything. [ laughter ] donald smith didn't pay a porn star $130,000 and then try to claim it as a legal expense.

[ laughter ] donald trump did that, though. [ laughter ] but as upset as his fellow republicans pretend to be, no one is more perturbed than trump's most disappointing son. >> and guys, correct me if i'm wrong, but didn't trump already beat stormy daniels in court? like in all fairness, like, isn't she, like, paying his legal bills or something like that? i don't know. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: his hands move faster than his brain. [ laughter ] i mean, what is this? it's like if jim henson had no puppets. [ laughter ] the important thing for djtj isn't necessarily defending his father. in the trump family, what's most important this is. >> the other thing you should be watching is the insanity but the important thing, for going on in the market right now. i want to make sure that i take the time to tell you about one of our great sponsors, goldco.

donjuniorgold.com to learn more. >> jimmy: don junior gold. it ain't real gold, unless it's don junior gold. [ applause ] imagine telling people your money is tied up in don jr. gold. [ laughter ] they'd put you in a mental hospital. but this is an all hands-on-don moment for trump world, the sycophants are dropping their pants to out-outrage each other in an effort to defend their defendant. >> the old soviet phrase, "show me the man, i'll find the crime" is alive and well in liberal new york. >> they better not put my president in prison. >> this is an unprecedented way to stop the front-runner for the 2024 republican nomination. >> anybody not named donald trump, this doesn't happen to them. >> what's an average citizen? what chance do they stand against this? >> they're trying to trigger another january 6th. oh! we're gonna get trump in manhattan! >> where are the charges against

george w. bush for invading iraq under false pretenses? >> i've never seen a greater abuse of prosecute tore intention. >> it's pure bowl have a vehicle-style wonderful huntry. >> there's no proof trump slept with stormy, there's no baby. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: good point. there is no bone. what if there was a baby, wouldn't that be a twist? a little donny-stormy baby to bring the country back together. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: here in l.a., teachers and employees at public schools are on the first of what is expected to be a three-day strike. did benji miss school today? >> guillermo: no, he's going to school. >> jimmy: he is going to school? school employees, i guess, are unhappy with their wages and the school district's negotiating tactics here in l.a., which means a lot of kids in public school -- oh, yeah, your son goes to private school -- had to stay home today. a number of parks and rec centers offered programs to keep the kids busy and the l.a. zoo was free today for students. which is great.

it's what they always say. if you can't send a kid to school, leave them with a gorilla. [ laughter and applause ] you know we do this show for an international audience. the united states, canada, and now because of youtube, we have viewers all over the world. but local news is still of vital importance and so every now and then, we hit the street to bring the news to the people. and we've done it again, in a new edition of "breaking the news." >> here comes the news! the results are in. over 95% of men admit to having cheated on their spouse. my five-second test to learn the truth. four, three, two, one -- oh, buddy, buddy. what did you do? >> niece alert! >> if you die, your cat will eat your face. but what will your dog do to

your butt? we talk to dr. paul henready, about his new book, "down, bad dog." queen cover band bohemian crapsody playing three nights at civic auditorium. we meet the band after the break. >> and this -- >> hey, the local zoo just got a lot cuter with the birth of some baby penguins. everybody loves baby penguins. and now we see some shots of the baby penguins. they're in the -- there's a leopard seal, get the leopard seal out of there! they're gone. [ laughter ] we remember the baby penguins tonight after sports. >> tonight -- >> elderly, out of shape men the newest target for attractive young starlets? our sources say no. >> and this -- >> smoking versus vaping. which will kill you quicker?

tonight at 11:00. >> oh my god! >> still to come -- >> the hollywood boulevard baloney bopper has struck again. the police need your help to stop this jerk from choking his chicken. he was last seen wearing some sort of colorful striped hat. uh, a black jacket thing, and no pants. >> well, thank you. and good luck to you. we're here from memphis, tennessee. >> keep it in your pants, sir. >> news alert -- >> the results are in, what women don't want. we speak to homely, lonely men after the break. stick around, stick around. >> tonight -- >> hickeys. [ laughter ] just saying. >> and and this -- >> nothing on the head means nothing in the bed. we find out tonight if all this could be the cause of papa's poor pecker performance.

>> still to come -- >> the bigger they are, the harder they -- ball? why big tough guys are really just little babies. >> news alert -- >> rats! that's how you'd be feeling if you missed my five-part series tonight on rats. >> and this -- >> just what are you hiding? tonight at 11:00. >> at 11:00? what am i hiding? i'm hiding two big bags of coke and a glock. >> and this -- >> everybody loves pizza! why? what? why one hollywood pizzeria says cheese made from human milk is the future. >> was it good? >> tastes like regular milk. doesn't taste like breast milk. >> brought to you by milky bottom pizzeria. you tried the rest, now try the breast.

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow, thank you. we have a good show for you tonight -- jamie demetriou is here. we've got music from depeche mode. and we'll be right back with julie bowen, so stick around!

>> jimmy: hi, welcome back to the show. tonight, his netflix comedy special is called "a whole life time with jamie dim dmitri you." jamie demetriou is with us. [ cheers and applause ] then later, their new album is called "memento mori" depeche mode, from the mercedes-benz stage.

their "memento mori" world tour starts thursday in sacramento. tomorrow night, we'll be joined by molly shannon and giancarlo esposito with music from nickel creek. so join us for that, if you will. our first guest is a double emmy-winning actress and dearly-departed dunphy who has a podcast called "quitter" and a new romantic teen-comedy called "prom pact" premiering march 30th on disney channel, and the following day on disney plus, please say hello to julie bowen. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: well, that's an entrance, julie. >> they said it was -- that the audience was down because it was raining. >> jimmy: oh, is that right? >> yeah, so i can't hike the skirt up, it just doesn't work.

[ laughter ] the shoes are effing nuts. >> jimmy: the truth is the audience was very up. it was persian new year last night. [ cheers and applause ] >> as we all know, a traditional persian new year treat is cocaine -- >> jimmy: garlic and apples, yes. not cocaine. garlic and apples is what they have. >> oh. >> jimmy: they're all hopped up on garlic right now. >> all hopped up on garlic. my apologies. >> jimmy: how are you doing? >> i'm well. i'm well. >> jimmy: how's the family, how's phil, how's alex, how's luke and hailry? [ laughter ] >> those aren't my family. >> jimmy: what? >> i'm a divorced mother of three. >> jimmy: what? >> yes. >> jimmy: are you telling me that show isn't real? >> i know. if it was -- it would be great if it was real. although i still live really close to noel, i see him a lot. we went out the other day. it's fun when you go out with somebody from "modern family." plus they're like, is this a brady bunch situation? didn't mrs. brady date greg?

[ laughter ] >> jimmy: i think it's a fact. i'm not -- i've not confirmed it with her. [ laughter ] but i'm pretty sure that did happen. >> guillermo! >> jimmy: with greg, right? >> did mrs. brady -- greg? >> guillermo: i think so, yeah. [ laughter ] >> it's a fact. nolan is 24. >> jimmy: how old was he when the show started? he was in the cub stouts or >> he was 11, i was pregnant, he twins. >> jimmy: to make it look like you weren't pregnant. now you're going out with him? >> now i'm dating him. [ laughter ] it's weird. >> jimmy: wouldn't that be something? [ cheers and applause ] >> it would for mrs. brady. >> jimmy: by the way, this is a -- i don't think it's that far off. because this is -- i know you had a birthday this month. happy birthday. [ cheers and applause ] this is from someone -- this is

a harry styles -- somebody went on zazzle and put together a beautiful blanket for you. >> it is beautiful. it captures him in all of his stages. the loose and tousled, the shirtless. oh, very shirtless. i should spend more time with this. >> jimmy: are this is your guy, harry styles? >> i'm going to shock you right now. i have become associated somehow with harry styles. i might pivot in '23. you know where i'm going? >> jimmy: who? >> pedro. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: pedro who? pass row pascal? >> pedro! >> jimmy: pedro from "napoleon dynamite"? [ laughter ] >> yes, and pedro pascal. >> jimmy: pedro pascal, yeah, well, yeah. >> he's age appropriate. >> jimmy: yeah? >> i've got a shot that he actually would call me back. this guy, nothing. >> jimmy: so the mandalorian is who you're looking at next. >> i was looking at the mandalorian, i was looking at -- he could protect me from giant mushroom-headed zombies.

>> jimmy: fungus and everything. >> harry haslem down. >> jimmy: let you down in what way? >> i have showed up for him, i have made signs. [ laughter ] i have gone on talk shows. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i have offered my skill and ability. >> jimmy: you have. in fact, we have a video. this i think was from your instagram, correct? >> i don't know. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: let's take a look. >> harry, i'm here! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: nothing from him. >> nothing. if you saw a 50-year-old woman in the pit, and that's where i was, wearing a shirt that says, "regulate your cock," holding that -- >> >> jimmy: what? >> it's a chicken, check the tape. it's a family friendly show. >> jimmy: maybe he doesn't want to be regulated. [ laughter ] it's not warren g., it's harry styles. you know? >> warren g. guillermo didn't get that one. >> jimmy: he's not even

listening over there. >> i think you would say -- and i had -- i lit it up. and that took skills. >> jimmy: he didn't see it? he didn't anything, nothing? >> i was holding it like this the entirety of the show, twisting it back and forth. "harry, i'm old, but i know what i'm doing." >> jimmy: nothing? >> like one of those things outside a tire place. i could not -- thirsty doesn't begin to describe me. [ laughter ] death grip, nothing. >> jimmy: is it because harry dated olivia wilde that that's got you thinking, oh, yeah, why not, what the heck? >> duh. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that activated you? >> i mean, he obviously can see above. he can punch above his weight. >> jimmy: he's 14 years old, you know that, yes? >> yes. >> jimmy: he was born in 2009. harry styles. >> no, wait, that's not true. >> jimmy: i just made it up. [ laughter ] seemed right. >> my sons were born in 2009. that was scary. >> jimmy: how do you think it would go over with america if i had that sign in an olivia

rodrigo concert? [ laughter ] "olivia, i'm old, but i know to work the equipment!" [ cheers and applause ] >> that's not the same. she just got her driver's license. [ laughter ] everyone knows that. >> jimmy: that's right. >> she just got it. she's been talking about it all week. at least harry's legal. >> jimmy: speaking of driver's license, how are your teenage boys reacting to your harry styles obsession? i think it's a fair word to use here. >> my oldest, oliver, utilized it, he weaponized it. "hey, mom, do you want to go to this harry styles concert with me? can you pay for it?" i was like, "you don't like harry styles." he only likes really offensive rap. >> jimmy: okay, great. >> coming from the shower, boom, boom, doo, doo, it's terrifying. i said, yeah "you want me to pay for you to go?" he said, "there's a bunch of girls." we had to get a car, we got five

girls, because they said, this is a target-rich environment and there won't be a lot of straight dudes there. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: target-rich environment? oh, this kid's playing on a different level. [ laughter ] >> i know. i asked him, i was like, "how are we dealing with this crap you keep buying?" "i charge my friends to get cash like an atm." he's literally got -- >> jimmy: he's a genius, sounds like. [ laughter ] >> well, something like that. i love him but i worry it's not legal. is that legal? can you charge people if you get them cash? >> jimmy: yeah, sure, i guess so. >> from a bank? the bank does. >> jimmy: he's like an atm. >> he is like an atm, but he's also got to be federally regulated. >> jimmy: he's not fdic approved, no? >> right, yes. >> jimmy: he's like a, yes, like a atm when it's not your bank and you have to pay another $3.50. >> that's right. >> jimmy: that's your son. >> only i think he's asking $5. >> jimmy: wow. >> he must be, he keeps coming hope with shoes and stuff. >> jimmy: it worked. you took him to the concert.

he's doing all this stuff. >> yeah, yeah. yeah, i took him to the concert. he didn't wear his shirt. >> jimmy: what? >> he did wear a big jacket. he wasn't ready to commit. >> jimmy: he had no shirt on under the thing? >> no shirt. just a jacket. >> jimmy: interesting. >> he let the girls dress him. when you're in a target-rich environment -- [ laughter ] you're like, "ladies." they dressed him, they surrounded him, they loved on him. >> jimmy: wow. >> when he went to the bathroom, i found out he's not getting any. >> jimmy: you asked the girls? >> i did. >> jimmy: you think they would tell you? you're his mom. >> i'm claire dunphy. [ laughter ] you got to squeeze that when you need to. >> jimmy: is that right? oh, so you squeezed and you found out. then were you happy about that? >> i was -- mixed bag. he came back from the bathroom, they were all, "we love him." i just don't think it's going to happen. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i know. >> jimmy: well -- >> maybe because of this, a little sympathy booty. >> jimmy: >> jimmy: yeah, no, i don't think this is going to -- >> you don't think so? you don't think mom pimping for him works?

[ laughter ] >> jimmy: i think he's going to have to come up with another strategy. >> okay. >> jimmy: instead of a target-rich environment, you're going to have to take him to target to get him a shirt. [ laughter ] >> that's true. he definitely does need a shirt. >> jimmy: when we come back, we're going to see -- wow, you're really into the teens. you know what's going on. >> i do. >> jimmy: and then a new movie called "prom pack." julie bowen is with us. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ who says you can't get everything you want? like going for bold without going broke... and staying true to your taste while staying on budget. who says rising costs means lowering the bar? settling? no need. get the brands you want, the prices you want, whenever you want. tj maxx. where you can always afford to be you to the maxx. (vo) the fully electric audi e-tron family is here.

with models that fit any lifestyle. tj maxx. and innovative ways to make your e-tron your own. through elegant design and progressive technology. all the exhilaration, none of the compromise. the audi e-tron family. progress that moves you. ♪ ♪ do the work, before the work. bodyarmor lyte. more than a sports drink.

so you're into bees, huh?

>> i'm into saving them. you should be too if you enjoy fruits, vegetables, life. we're here to talk psychology. according to your syllabus, today was about ebbing iingeb what was that? >> some game the freshman girls play when they take pictures of me. keep going. >> okay. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that is julie, elizabeth lee, and blake draper. >> we found him. >> jimmy: how did you find blake? >> we found him. it was so exciting. we had to audition someone to ep on this, that means executive producer. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: right. you show up in a limousine. you get out, you're smoking a cigar, maybe you burn somebody with it, fire a grip? >> i fire people. >> jimmy: get back in the limo and go home, right? >> i think the fun of being an ep is gone with days of grab-ass, it's gone. it's over. so you have to sit very respectfully and drink your

coffee, and oddly, they ignore you. because you're not an actor. so that's new. >> jimmy: who ignores you? >> the kids didn't ignore me, but you do get used to people running around, "five minutes." "can i get you anything? do you want anything warm?" >> jimmy: the attention, yeah. >> "how about a pack for your back when we're outside shooting? "nope, video village over there. producers get a really raw deal. >> jimmy: you have sympathy empathizing with these producers. >> well -- well -- >> yeah. or either that, you've learned never to do this again. >> no, i actually really loved it. and the greatest part was finding somebody like blake. >> jimmy: blake, a big star? >> first of all, he's -- i can't say. he's a pay dropper. >> jimmy: a what? >> you know. she got it. he's hot. >> jimmy: okay, all right. >> he's hot, he's australian. he never played basketball. we were so excited when we found him. watched hundreds and hundreds of

auditions. >> jimmy: why were you excited that he'd never played basketball? >> because that means i could come on your show and talk about how he learned to play basketball. >> jimmy: learned to play basketball, yeah. >> this was awesome. he's like a martial arts kid. he's from the middle of australia, a very small town. he was amazing. >> jimmy: everyone from australia is attractive, a weird thing. >> isn't it bizarre? that or a good marketing campaign, they only let the hot ones out. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, those are the only ones we're allowed to see. >> yeah. but everybody already knows, wildly talented. from "doogie howser." i can't say the whole thing because i'll butcher it and be embarrassed. milo manheim from everything he's played dead in like zombies, on the disney channel. they're big stars. >> jimmy: big stars among the young people, yeah. what does "prom pact" mean? >> what do you mean, what does it mean? >> jimmy: what does it refer to?

>> it's an agreement between the two leads who are friends, they're going to make an agreement, a compact -- >> jimmy: they will go to the prom. >> just as friends. they will always support one another. >> jimmy: did you go to the prom? >> i did not go. >> jimmy: you did not? >> i went to a really small boarding school, we didn't have a prom. then people would get left out. >> jimmy: how small was the school? >> 300, 325? >> jimmy: wow. no prom, 325, that's not that small, is it? >> because back in the day, this was the '80s. we all love the '80s. depeche mode tonight. >> jimmy: that's right. [ cheers and applause ] >> insane. you had to have a date to a prom. what were you supposed to do if you didn't have a date? >> jimmy: i'll tell you what i did. i remember taking stock of my life. i remember watching "the fall guy." lee majors was on it. >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: i looked down at my parents and i thought, yeah, i should probably be at the prom. [ laughter ] >> that was it?

>> jimmy: yeah, that was that. >> you didn't go? >> jimmy: no. i had no excuse. i went to a very large school there were plenty of people to go with. >> i'm so sorry. >> jimmy: you know, maybe you should produce a movie. it could be a sad movie. >> about adults who never went to prom? >> jimmy: about me specifically. [ laughter ] "the boy who didn't go to prom." >> that's a great idea about hold people that didn't go to prom. i'm old. >> jimmy: you know what, also, homecoming. didn't go to that either. >> what is homecoming? >> jimmy: it's a dance i didn't go to. [ laughter ] >> we didn't have that either. >> jimmy: we had girls reverse dance where the -- >> saudi hawkins day, and no one asked you? >> jimmy: nobody asked me to that, yeah. >> you stand there, they pick you? >> jimmy: no, it wasn't a picking situation. [ laughter ] it wasn't quite that humiliating. it wasn't like dodgeball. i mean, there's a dance. >> you're like, no, no, i'm good, i'm good. i would like to do -- i think you're on to something. i think there's a whole cerise

of movies about people that missed it in high school and need to do it as adults. >> jimmy: maybe not that part. just the part where people look back, "oh, that poor guy." [ laughter ] "now i understand why he's strange." >> like oliver trying to get sympathy booty? you think so? i might be like oliver except i would never have been able to convince six girls to go with me and my mom to lionel richie. it wouldn't have been harry styles. it would have been andi gibb or something like that. >> hey, andy gibb. what was your first concert? >> jimmy: sammy davis jr. >> you're so cool. >> jimmy: i grew up in las vegas, that's what happens. [ laughter ] how about you? >> sean cassidy. >> jimmy: oh, that's great cool. >> although, in a beautiful moment of it all coming back together, shaun cassidy ripped his pants at that concert, and so did harry styles the night i went! [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: maybe that's the secret. >> you're welcome. >> jimmy: your movie is called "prom pact." it premieres march 30th on disney channel and the following day on disney plus. julie bowen, the executive producer. [ cheers and applause ] producer. [ cheers and applause ] be back with jamie ♪ ♪ macy's has the brands, value and inspiration you need to own your style. ♪ sfx: [alarm] every day you get to choose. do i want more? can i grow stronger? can i get better?

bodyarmor lyte. more than a sports drink. meet febreze's miracle spray. febreze fabric refresher. i literally use this every day, to make my house smell amazing. after i make the bed, after i catch my dog on the couch. so i can wear my jacket or jeans one more time, before i wash them again. it even makes shoes smell fresh. it doesn't cover up odors with scent but actually fights them and freshens. over one thousand uses. febreze fabric refresher. ♪ “one cinnamon...” “caramel cream nitro cold brew?” ♪ “all right, see you tomorrow.”

detect this: living with hiv, i learned i can stay undetectable with fewer medicines. that's why i switched to dovato. dovato is for some adults who are starting hiv-1 treatment or replacing their current hiv-1 regimen. detect this: no other complete hiv pill uses fewer medicines to help keep you undetectable than dovato. detect this: most hiv pills contain 3 or 4 medicines. dovato is as effective with just 2. research shows people who take hiv treatment as prescribed and get to and stay undetectable can no longer transmit hiv through sex. don't take dovato if you're allergic to its ingredients, or if you take dofetilide.

taking dovato with dofetilide can cause serious or life-threatening side effects. hepatitis b can become harder to treat while on dovato. don't stop dovato without talking to your doctor, as your hepatitis b may worsen or become life-threatening. serious or life-threatening side effects can occur, including allergic reactions, lactic acid buildup, and liver problems. if you have a rash or other allergic reaction symptoms, stop dovato and get medical help right away. tell your doctor if you have kidney or liver problems, or if you are, may be, or plan to be pregnant. dovato may harm your unborn baby. use effective birth control while on dovato. do not breastfeed while taking dovato. most common side effects are headache, nausea, diarrhea, trouble sleeping, tiredness, and anxiety. detect this: i stay undetectable with fewer medicines. ask your doctor about switching to dovato.

>> lou: it's time to play, "who's upside down?" one of these people is upside down. blood is rushing to their head, and they very well may pass out. who can it be? [ laughter ] >> it's me! okay, somebody get me down! >> lou: thanks for playing "who's upside down?" your paint . what? i said, "best coffee i've ever had." (slurps) are you okay? mom, the walls look awful.

what? i said, "can i have a waffle?" waffle... waff... waffle. thank you. should've used behr. sorry, sign where? no, i said, "should've used behr. it's got one-coat hide." today let's paint with behr marquee, the #1 rated interior paint. it looks great in here! behr. exclusively at the home depot. ♪ (music plays throughout) ♪ ♪ ♪ another round? i'm good. ♪ let's do a song ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ music playing ♪ ♪ ça me déplairait pas ♪ ♪ que tu m'embrasses, na-na-na ♪ ♪ mais faut saisir ta chance ♪ ♪ avant qu'elle passe, na-na-na ♪ ♪ si tu cherches un truc pour ♪ ♪ briser la glace, banana, ♪ ♪ banana, banana, ♪ ♪ banana-na, na-na-na-na ♪ ♪ banana split ♪ ♪ banana-na, na-na-na-na ♪

♪ banana split ♪ ♪ with golo, i've lost 13 inches in my waist. they're outta here. ♪ banana split ♪ you eat normal food. you're not eating diet food. i'm doing something good for me finally. (announcer) go to golo.com to lose weight and get healthier. (music) right now, get dresses from just $20. only at old navy and oldnavy.com

♪ ♪ do the work, before the work. bodyarmor lyte. more than a sports drink. this man needs updated covid protection. so does she. yup, these guys too. because covid is still out there, and so are you. and if your last vaccine was before september 2022, you're out there with fading protection. but an updated vaccine restores your protection. so you can keep doing you. get an updated covid vaccine and stay out there, safely. (vo) red lobster's finer points of fun dining: at lobsterfest, whether you're a sea-foodie or a lobster newbie, there's something for everyone. try one of six dishes, like new lobster and shrimp tacos for $17.99.

and leave completely lobsessed. welcome to fun dining. was also the first time you heard of a town named dinosaur, colorado. we just got an order from dinosaur, colorado. start an easy to build, powerful website for free with a partner that always puts you first. start for free at godaddy.com

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: we are back. music from depeche mode is on the way. our next guest is a very funny man you may remember as the guy no one remembers in "the after party." he has a new comedy special on netflix called "a whole lifetime with jamie demetriou." please welcome jamie demetriou. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i think i pronounced your name correctly, did i? >> i forget myself. demetriou, yes. like the famous singing use, "oo." >> jimmy: i've heard that in so many songs. is that what you're named after?

>> no, no. it's a sort of annoying story. >> jimmy: annoy us. >> my dad wanted to call me dim dimitri demetriou. my mom's like, no, i want him to have an enjoyable wife, not a name with a mediterranean riddle. [ laughter ] he kept at it, wanted to call me "vat." they were in the car one day. he said, "okay, okay, all right, how about, then, jamie demetriou." my mom was annoyed that he'd got a name she liked. "yeah, that's what he's going to be called." my dad looked at the camera and said, "little does jamie in greek is dmitry." [ laughter ] by extension, jimmy is also dmitry in greek. >> jimmy: a lot of dmitrys. guillermo as well? >> guillermo: nice to meet you. >> jimmy: dmitry over there on

the stool. your sister is on "what we do in the shadows." >> she is, she's a vampire. >> jimmy: she's great, super at aniny. [ cheers and applause ] you must have a funny family. your dad bamboozled your mother. >> no, they're funny. not always intentionally. >> jimmy: right. >> that's often the way -- i mean, i -- when i was a kid, whenever i'd be walking down the street, you know sometimes you see something insane happening in the street and you walk towards it, more often than not, "oh, hi, dad." [ laughter ] fy saw someone using a tree as a walking stick, or actually, one time -- one time i saw a driverless car just driving down the street. as it got close to me, i looked through the window and saw my dad. [ laughter ] and i sort of chased -- i chased the car. when i found him at my house, "what happened?" "oh, i bought a new car to see if it was nice." the seat wasn't nice. >> jimmy: was he trying to be funny? >> no, no. just reclined, and he couldn't

work out how to get it back up, and didn't mind. not minding helps you be very funny a lot of times. [ laughter ] > jimmy: is your dad still with us? >> he's very much about. i saw him at christmas. i see him every christmas. i mean, we are as a family kind of -- we're very different in lots of ways. and that is manifested massively around christmas where we're trying to choose a movie or things like that. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. >> i -- two years ago -- has anyone seen that movie, "the rescue"? a documentary about saving the thai football team from the cave. >> jimmy: oh, right, that's great, sure. >> around christmastime, we try and choose a movie everyone will like. my dad likes there to be a high-risk of death. [ laughter ] my mom likes the ending to involve someone finding out that what they needed was in their heart all along. [ laughter ] so i was like, oh my god, that's touc such a -- it's got both those things, let's check it out. within about five minutes i

realized there's a lot of subtitles and foreign language it in. oh, my dad doesn't read english so well. and he's short of hearing. i'm going to be the great son of christmas and i'm going to scream the subtitles at him. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, great. i was there, "so -- by the time we found the boys -- morale was high, but morale doesn't help you breathe, what helps you breathe is oxygen tanks, we were missing one." he's like, "all right, great, thank you very much." "oh, and once we found them in the cave, they were really, really happy to see us." he eventually just went, "do you mind if i watch the film and you stop telling me about your life?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: about your life? >> he thought that i was telling him what i'd been up to lately. i was like -- it was a vein popping out of my head. wait, if what i've been up to recently is saving a group of young thai boys from a cave, aren't you happy or impressed? that's quite a nice thing to do,

isn't it? >> jimmy: seems like dad would give you a pat on the back. what, your dad is greek? >> greek-cypriot. hence the dmitry. >> jimmy: a lot of dmitrys, yeah. >> we're around. >> jimmy: this show, this special you made, is very funny. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i watched it last night. i saw you on a show, i'm forgetting the title, you'll remember it, i'm sure, that's about you renting apartments to people? >> yeah. >> jimmy: and this never happens, really. but i was watching the show. what's the name of that show? >> "stat lets flats," unfortunately. very difficult to say. >> jimmy: we don't call apartments flats. now it makes sense. i wrote in the night to our talent bookers, i said, "this guy is very funny, please ask him if he'll do the show." this is three years ago, now here you are. i don't know if they told you that. >> no, but that makes me feel incredible and like an amazing

person, thank you. >> jimmy: tell your father i said that. [ cheers and applause ] we'll put it in the subtitles. >> sure, "amazing person" under my name. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this netflix special, you take us through from the womb? >> yes. >> jimmy: throughout life? kind of a sketch show.a.- but yeah, it follows from birth to death. yeah, i start in the womb, i end in the tomb. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this is you in the womb at the beginning. [ laughter ] >> that's from my ultrasound. >> jimmy: you're not a baby in the womb. >> how did you get that -- that's insane, i've never seen that. >> jimmy: it's a telescope we have pointed into your mother. and this is -- well, that -- what is happening here when you shot this? >> sure, so that is me. so as you can maybe see from my neckline, that isn't my natural hair quantity. >> jimmy: you are a hairy man. >> yeah, we had about daughter minutes to shoot this scene. about half an hour left in the day to do it. so i was sort of -- there was like a military operation to

basically sort of strip me of my bodily culture. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: they shaved you right before the shoot? >> basically, we were supposed to shoot the next day, then as happens, we had half an hour at the end of the day. "get him on a metal table and remove every strand." so i had, like -- bless emma croft, our makeup designer, who had the task of assembling a team, giving all of them permission to destroy me. >> jimmy: why a metal table? just make it as uncomfortable for you -- >> i think -- yeah, yeah. it makes, you know -- it sort of helps me get into a zone of the baby. >> jimmy: did they do this with a razor? >> seven razors, then i was left to finish own. >> jimmy: is the that right? >> i got ushered to a big bowl of k-y jelly. >> jimmy: is it? >> yes, which i had to be ushered into. i was told -- for some reason, i don't know why. i was told it was safer to have

my modesty thong cut out of my bum with scissors while in the bowl. it was a pretty good shot. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you were told it was safer? >> yeah, safer and quicker what is i heard. i think someone wanted to feel what the metal in my bum felt like. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you really made a sacrifice for your art. it worked out. it's very funny. it's called, "a whole lifetime with jamie dmitri you." it's on netflix now. the man gave his body hair for this special. thanks for being with us, jamie. [ cheers and applause ] be right back with depeche mode! >> lou: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert seriesis presented by the "s" class from mercedes-benz.

>> lou: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the all-electric mercedes-benz lineup is here. >> jimmy: thanks to julie bowen and jamie demetriou. apologies to matt damon. we ran out of time for him. "nightline" is next, but first, their album "memento mori" comes out this friday. here with the song "ghosts again," depeche mode! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ wasted feelings broken meanings time is fleeting see what it brings ♪ ♪ hellos goodbyes a thousand midnights lost in sleepless lullabies ♪

♪ heaven's dreaming thoughtless thoughts my friends we know we'll be ghosts again ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ sunday's shining silver linings weightless hours all my flowers ♪

♪ a place to hide the tears that you cried everybody says goodbye ♪ ♪ faith is sleeping lovers in the end whisper we'll be ghosts again ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ heaven's dreaming thoughtless thoughts my friends we know we'll be ghosts again ♪

♪ faith is sleeping lovers in the end whisper we'll be ghosts again ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

this. is nightline tonight covid origins debate inside their urgent race to find the truth. it's overwhelmingly likely that this started at the qanon seafood market. you think it was a laughably? absolutely we return to ground zero in wuhan. how solving the mystery of what happened here could help stop the next global pandemic. if we want to prevent this type of catastrophic event from happening again. we need to understand the root causes of this emergence. plus zach brad from this doctor's scrubs, ted, i'm a little busy, okay. toodles to the director's cha