jimmy kimmel, musical guest, fallout boy. have a you are writer? an actor? the emmys are -- would you like to pop a balloon with your emmy? >> let me try that. >> sure, let me try that. >> ready? >> it's kind of a -- >> you did it. good job. good job, man. >> thank you. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- julie bowen. from "the lego ninago movie", kumail nanjiani. guillermo at the 2017 emmys. and music from fall out boy. and now for the most part here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: hi, everybody. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. now, i hope you had a good weekend. i had a little did too much fun this weekend. we had a late night last night. the whole town closed down for the emmys last night and the parties after the emmys. i've never done acid but i think i now know after going to an after party with sean spicer and rupaul at it, i understand what it might be like. i was invited to more parties last night than i did in all of high school combined. you go from party to party. they're all exactly the same party. it's a bunch of people dressed up, telling you you were robbed.

everyone not holding an emmy was robbed. you leave the party. to go to another party. and you run into the same people from the first party who left that party to go to this party. you might as well stay at the one party. and there's a weird thing that goes on. people in hollywood do -- this is -- there are always waiters with trays of food. you are standing there talking to someone and a guy in a vest comes up with meatballs or taco shells filled with raw fish and they would say would you like a kebe beef slider. and some people do the craziest thing. they say no, thank you. to a tray of mini hamburgers. i feel bad for the guy with the tray who wants to take a break. i'll eat all the sliders on the tray. if i make it into the emmys, ini

memoriam, i want them to use a picture of me with mini hamburgers being stuffed in my mouth. guillermo, you're in charge of that. i assume i won best dressed last night. i don't know if you saw -- everyone gets hungry at award shows. but if you bring food people sitting around you get mad. so last night i wore a -- as you can see, a fannie pack that was bursting with snacks. i had snacks for everyone in my area. i went to cvs and bought a hollywood sized amount of candy and junk. you should have seen my wife's face. she was so turned on, we almost had to cancel the whole thing and stay home. she was genuinely

with the fannie pack, out to the emmys we went. president trump got a lot of mentions but did not make it to the emmys last night. he had a meeting at the united nations. his first u.n. meeting since taking office. i assumed he would go to open c -- epcot on the way to mar-a-lago and say he met all the companies at the it's a small world ride. he tweeted i spoke with president moon of south korea and asked him how rocketman is doing. long gas lines forming in korea, too bad. he named kim jong-un after a elton john song, "rocket man." and that was the second most ridiculous thing he tweeted last

night. he retweeted a gif, in which somebody made this. he hits hillary clinton with a golf ball and knocked her down. have you seen this? trump's amazing golf swing. this by the way is why he tweeted it. someone said his golf swing was amazing. you play the video. you can see what somebody cut together. he swings, she falls. listen -- it's hard to argue there's some comedy there. but if you look at the user name of the guy he retweeted. it's fuctup mine. you can read that for yourself. and that's presidential, folks. it just is. now this is -- the president and his wife were at andrews air force base on friday. the first lady visited a group of kids. it's as solid gold as the toilet

on the top floor of trump tower. >> and what is this? what that mean? >> it's my name. >> i know that. i figured it out. i just wanted to -- >> she knew it. she just wanted to figure it from the kid in case the kid didn't know what her name was. if she didn't have her husband run she could have been buying ankle boots instead of reading at a table with kids. melania was in charge of giving her husband an introduction and the result was perhaps the most uncomfortable display of affection between any husband and wife this year. >> it's my great pleasure to introduce my husband, the president of the united states, donald trump. >> thank you.

thank you. you go sit down. >> jimmy: that's how it goes when you're in a relationship. my w my wife and i shake hands before bed every night. he shut her down like a robot from "westworld." you see. let look at that one more time here. >> you go sit down. >> jimmy: you go sit down. you should have walked off the stage all the way to slovenia. i would like to try this in our studio tonight. if you are in your audience with someone you love. get ready for our first ever handshake cam tonight. you're shaking the wrong hand. hold on a minute. there you go. look at that. it's not as easy as people think. look at these two.

that's very cute. oh, my goodness. no, don't slip any tongue. that's the shake and pat. you know what on comedy shows they put the writers or goof balls in the audience and those weren't those guys. those are real guys. you know, this is not the first time we have seen donald and melania interact like this. after all these years of marriage it's so sweet to watch how into each other they. are we have put together a short tribute to the trumps. ♪ ♪ ♪

>> isn't that beautiful? really? a love in the air. so speaking of love. today, happens to be a very special day for my favorite member of the president's candidate, dr. ben carson turned 66 years old today. you can clap if you like. it is his birds birthday. a local fifth grader has a presentation for us in honor of his birthday. >> hello. i am dr. ben carson. and today is my 66th birthday.

i am a brain surgeon. i am a politician and i am exhausted. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: dr. carson? excuse me. dr. carson? >> one time i stabbed another kid. >> jimmy: dr. carson, guillermo, will you take dr. carson out of here? thank you so much. happy birthday to you. very tired. we're going to take a break. when we come back, i will reveal -- [ cheers and applause ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: like some kind of weird murder machine going on here. i will reveal who i picked to win it all on the new season of

"dancing with the stars" and guillermo goes piggy back with all the biggest stars at the emmys, next. so stick around. we took legendary and made it liberating. we took safe and made it daring. we took intelligent, and made it utterly irresistible. we took the most advanced e-class ever and made the most exciting e-class ever. the 2018 e-class coupe and sedan. lease the e300 sedan for $589 a month at your local mercedes-benz dealer. mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. nosy neighbor with a glad bag, full of trash. what happens next? nothing. only glad has febreze to neutralize odors for 5 days. guaranteed. even the most perceptive noses won't notice the trash. be happy. it's glad.

woman: so this happened. zoe brought over some lime-a-rita's to ava's rooftop and that's when we knew it was going to be one of those nights. that's elyse busting out her dance move from summer of '08. looks like we're staying here tonight. lime-a-rita. make it a margarita moment.

lime-a-rita. when this guy got a flat tire

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boom. someone got that, right? scrambled eggs. guacamole. bacon. french fries. you'll call it the california breakfast burrito. boom. good work everyone. another winner. introducing my new california breakfast burrito. only at jack in the box. >> jimmy: oh, my goodness. [ cheers and applause ] listen, you got to be in love to shake hands. welcome back. julie bowen, kumail nanjiani and music from fall out boy all coming. first tonight we had the season premiere of "dancing with the stars," aka the forgotten celebrity prom. who knew there were this many unemployed stars but there are and it has and this year the

cast includes nick lachey and his wife vanessa. if you are looking for a time to burgle the lachey house, monday night. debbie gibson, frankie munoz from qualify malcolm in the middle" and every season before even a single cha has been chaed, i write the name of the dancer which i think has what it takes to bring home the mirror ball trophy which i put in a tiny briefcase that i put in guillermo's tiny little mouth. i put real money on the line and i'm good at it. before the season started i have correctly chose the winner ten out of the last 19 times. that's better than 50%. if you had that success with the super bowl you would be banned

from every casino in las vegas. last season i picked rashad jennings to win. he won. and this year my money is on another long shot. can i get a drum roll please? the winner of "dancing with the stars" season number 25 will be. guillermo open the briefcase and read the name inside. what does it say? >> darrell fisher. >> no. >> derek fisher. >> jimmy: derek fisher, everybody. derek fisher at 10 to 1. i'm counting on d. fish to deliver one more championship to the city of a los angeles and i know you will not let me down. thank you very much. speaking of traditions we had the emmy awards last night. all the biggest stars of television are at the emmys and

guillermo went piggy back to back with the winner backstage. >> piggy back. >> piggy back. >> piggy back to back. because -- >> i love this. should i be afraid that i took the front seat? >> there's nothing to be afraid. >> you have bunny slippers. >> would you like to donate your emmy to the children? >> which children? >> my children? >> do you want to call and tell them you won? a friend, a family member? >> yeah, let me -- i guess i could call somebody. that's my sister. >> call your sister. >> hello? i'm on piggy back to back. >> with guillermo from "jimmy kimmel live." how are you? we're coming for dinner. have dinner ready.

your brother and i are coming to dinner at your house. >> okay. lock the doors. >> would you like to have a drink? >> what the hell is going on here? he's on his knees in front of my wife. >> would you like to have a drink? >> thank you. >> how are you going to celebrate tonight? >> go home and brush our teeth and go to bed. we have three little kids. >> and figure out how to get me out of this dress. >> can i help? >> piggy back to back. >> you won two emmys? >> yeah. >> that's very lucky. >> thank you. >> you want to be more lucky? >> than tonight? >> i have this scratch and two -- this is two for you. >> i won. >> you won? >> oh, my god. >> it is my lucky night. what did i win? >> i think you won -- i think

you won $500. >> really? >> wow. it's 400 for you and 100 for me. >> that seems fair. >> i've never been more comfortable than this. this, i like very much. >> john oliver do you know what a margarita is up side down. >> here's one. okay? we're done with that. hold it. here's the tequila. i like to go heavy on the tequila. so there we go. not too much salt because that's ridiculous. but i also do love a lime. okay? now tell me that wasn't refreshing. how good is a british person's margarita? >> from one to two? a 2. >> [ bleep ] guillermo. it's in the serving. >> piggy back. >> i want to say congratulations

on winning an emmy. everything good? >> i'm the first black woman to win an emmy in the comedy writing category. >> would you have a drink for that? >> i normally don't drink but i'm drinking tonight. what is this? >> it's tequila. cheers on you winning an emmy. >> okay. thank you, boo. oh, my god! >> that's right. >> woo! >> you feeling me? >> yeah. i'm feeling a lot of things right now. like hot in my chest. >> it feel like electricity coming in your body, huh? >> i want to say congratulations on your emmys and everything. how are you going to celebrate tonight? >> i don't know. not like this. no. >> no? >> get me out of here, help. >> would you like to have a drink to celebrate? >> no. i think i'm going to go now,

bye. >> you want a cake pop? >> i don't want anything. >> guillermo if you try to [ bleep ] in the ass i'm not going to happy. >> i love you show beep. >> "veep." >> beep. >> how do you spell it? b-e-e-p. >> we figured that out. >> cheers. >> cheers. >> to beep. >> to beep. >> who are you wearing? >> i'm wearing you right now, bro. >> no, i'm wearing you. so you're my back. so i'm wearing you. >> that's true. i would like to win an emmy for this interview. so can you give me a sad face or punch me or do something dramatic? >> i'll give you the mmy.

>> you win. >> wow. that's awesome. >> here take the birthday pop. >> i want to say thank you to all the people in the uk. >> i thought you gave it to me. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: >> jimmy: tonight on the show, we have music from fall out boy. kumail nanjiani is here and we'll be right back with julie bowen. ♪ >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live!" are brought to you by toys-r-us. check out this year's hottest toys at "toysrus.com/hottoys." oh, you brought butch. yeah! (butch growls at man) he's looking at me right now, isn't he? yup. (butch barks at man) butch is like an old soul that just hates my guts. (laughs) (vo) you can never have too many faithful companions.

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two-time emmy winning person for her work playing a dunphy named claire on the always excellent "modern family." season nine premieres a week from wednesday here on abc. please welcome julie bowen [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: how are you? what's going on here? >> my stylist, you know, my friend i pay to dress me, you know, are these like hooky kebabs? >> jimmy: your body is balancing on this piece of metal. if there was a restaurant called hooky kebabs here in

hollywood -- >> it's like hooters but this. what can i bring you, right there? >> jimmy: i like it a lot. you were at the emmys last night? >> i was there. >> caller: and y >> jimmy: and you had to work today? >> early. i like to make breakfast for the kids before i go. >> jimmy: what did you make? >> i made them eggs and sausage and warmed up a loaf of bread, the take and bake and i tell them it's homemade. >> jimmy: they get the warmed eggs that have been warm for two hours like -- >> like an hour. >> jimmy: it's like getting food at the hospital. >> it's fantastic is what it is. it's that or frozen waffles. >> jimmy: it's good of you. shouldn't someone say we get nominated every year. we know we're going to be out late the night before. >> i am not sure what happened this year. i think they were like, look,

people, you're not going to win, you know it. it's -- it's "veep" or somebody else. so pace yourself. show up and shine, 7:00 a.m., let's be here. everybody did -- for the most part. >> jimmy: who didn't show up this morning? let's hear names. >> i mean, jeremy, you know, joe. that kid out last night with his cape on. i don't know if his parents are getting him high but he was late today. he was very, very late today. he is like, wee, i'm superman with my cape late to work. >> jimmy: i saw your cast mates out late last night. >> we did have one night when you hosted, maybe when we all decided to try to stay out all night long. >> jimmy: that is a bad idea. >> i was shaking at the 7-eleven eating slurpees at 4:00 a.m. >> jimmy: can you tell during

that scene, were you able to tell anything? >> probably. you would see quivering and cross eyed and slurpee juice. >> jimmy: i want to ask you about this photograph. this is from last night. >> that's right here, this is -- that's sarah highland and that's me and the ladies of "9 to 5." >> jimmy: that is right. >> we were so excited. we photo bombed. everybody came over to take a picture of dolly parton. i think oprah may have. i'm not kidding you. she is the original open rachra. >> jimmy: you're right. >> and sarah and i are like, we couldn't stop ourselves. and i could not work up the courage. >> jimmy: you didn't talk to her? >> i talked to 9 and 5. i missed to in the middle.

>> jimmy: how did you miss those two? it's like the tonight show 1978. >> dolly parton is so beloved. she's got a town named after her. a theme park. >> jimmy: dolly wood. >> imagine what if there were jimmy wood. >> jimmy: there will be. >> but i mean -- i -- >> jimmy: we're in the [ bleep ] right now. >> very few people. can go dollywood. what's at jimmywood? >> jimmy: there are no rides because i get motion sickness. >> i'm right there with you. what do you do? >> jimmy: we sit around and watch tv. >> do you talk about grilling meats? >> jimmy: sometimes we grill meat. >> and talk about it. >> jimmy: and make sausage and feed it to children. >> i have something for you to serve it on.

>> jimmy: the hooker kebabs. i feel like i behaved myself sufficiently. if you put your leg on the table one more time i cannot be responsible for what happens. >> i'm very, very flattered. >> jimmy: i'm going the take a quick shower. when we come back, julie bowen is here. her show is "modern family." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [waves crashing] ♪ music playing ♪ ♪ [ringtone] ♪ hey (hey) ♪

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♪

wea whole new place that'swe lookin' to get scared! (laughter) now halloween time is in dineyland and disney california adventure parks!

this is fun. just the two of us. >> the walking sticks are a real game changer. >> hold the phone, we've hit a vista. >> looks like you're not the only mountain chick dee out here. >> you spotted one? >> when it's your turn, note her black bib. >> isn't she majestic. >> we're them. we're the cover of the old people's pamphlet. >> jimmy: you don't want to be that. >> we are the cover of the old people's pamphlet. >> jimmy: are you and ty still getting along? >> no. i'd like to discuss it right now. no, we get along famously.

>> jimmy: he seems like the nicest guy in the whole world. >> julie: he makes me feel bad for most of what i do. i have low moral standards. last night we went to the emmys and you do this and this and you can't pee in my dress i don't want a bathroom companion until the time comes, until i get that button, the i've fallen and can't get up button. so i changed in the car. i changed into something -- >> jimmy: with ty in the car? >> julie: he wore a practical tweed and wouldn't change. >> jimmy: sounds like ty is planning better. >> julie: he doesn't need a bathroom companion. >> jimmy: he doesn't need one but he has one. i have gone to the bathroom with ty. >> julie: you're got with him? >> jimmy: no, i've seen his

person. i'm making things up. >> julie: i imagine he has people in the bathroom. >> jimmy: was lake tahoe fun to shoot in? >> julie: jimmywood, no rides because of the motion sickness. when we heard about a boat. we're on a houseboat for this episode. >> jimmy: even on a lake? >> julie: we pre-loaded the dramamine. >> jimmy: you guys say you are shooting high on dramamine or drunk from the night before? >> julie: absolutely. this was a particularly rocky one too. and we'd do this for hours and get back on. it's not our finest hour. >> jimmy: it seems like you are working a lot harder than others. >> julie: we work so much less hard. but -- we really do. we really do. our hours are insanely good.

the crew would go -- >> jimmy: that holds the desk together. >> julie: i feel i need to do light cleaning while i'm here. >> jimmy: if you would like to stay, kumail nanjiani is here. if you want to do some light dusting around the studio. >> julie: i heard it's in his rider. >> jimmy: the show is still great. is this really the last season, next season? >> julie: yes, it is all they will pay us for. >> jimmy: that is not true. >> julie: it is. it's good. it's time to move on to something. i don't know what. can i do light dusting here? maybe as a full-time job? >> jimmy: a houseboat show would be a good thing. >> julie: unless it's called hooker kebabs i'm not doing it. >> jimmy: julie bowen, kumail nanjiani and hooker kebabs. ♪ so, i was at mom and dad's

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♪ >> jimmy: hi, there.

welcome back. fall out boy is on the way. you know our next guest from the great tv show "silicon valley" and from the equally great movie "the big sick." starting friday, you can see him like never before, as an inch high plastic ninja in "the lego ninjago movie." please welcome kumail nanjiani. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. >> jimmy: so you guys were -- the whole "silicon valley" gang. >> it's very hard for me to walk in these. these are gigilo tooth tooth toh how could that not be a reflection on me? >> jimmy: more on me than you. i saw you last night with the "silicon valley" gang at the

emmys. you presented at the emmys. how many were you nominated for? >> we were nominated for ten emmys. >> jimmy: ten, wow. >> yeah. >> jimmy: wow. >> we won zero. don't clap for that. last year, we went 0 for 11. this year we went 0 for 10. is that better or worse? >> jimmy: it's worse. >> how did you do? >> jimm >> jimmy: we won zero, as well. but we were nominated for three. >> have you ever won? >> jimmy: yeah but it's like a game show emmy. they give them away as prizes. i love "silicon valley." last weekend i was -- last weekend i was trying to figure out what to watch. and we heard that your movie "the big sick" was very good.

we ordered it on itunes. it was not very good. it was a great movie. i loved it. >> thank you. >> jimmy: we couldn't stop talking about it. >> i thought you were going to stop the sentence at it was not very good. >> jimmy: it is really a great movie. it's a real -- i know you have talked about it a million times. and i just thought your performance was great in the movie. the actress who played your wife -- >> zoe. >> jimmy: she was terrific. ray ramano was great. gr >> you were a leading man. >> it has been very fun. but i only focus on -- we got really good reviews and stuff. >> jimmy: you got 98% on rotten tomatoes. >> 98. >> jimmy: only one maniac, only one gave you a bad review.

a guy from the "new yorker." >> i know. >> jimmy: did you look up the other movies he didn't like? >> yeah. >> jimmy: i did too. he didn't like "spider-man." >> i only look at the -- i can't look -- i only look at the negative. when you said 98, we were so close. we were so close. like it just came out on itunes last week. >> jimmy: that's where i bought it. >> one one-star review. and can i read it to you. the subject line is annoying. first sentence, this movie was very interracial. too interracial and disgusting for my taste. one star. i was like if you think this is too interracial, go to google and type in interracial and click videos. you're going to find -- this is

not very interracial at all. not very interracial at all. >> jimmy: i don't want to spoil the movie but a big part is your parents is based on your real parents are not particularly excited about the fact that you're dating a woman outside your race and religion and i assume that was true in your real life as well? >> yeah, totally true. i mean -- yeah, we -- you know, it was a whole thing with my parents and now it's all great. they love her. >> jimmy: that's good. that's what i was wondering. >> they loved the movie. >> jimmy: i wondered about how they feel about how they were depicting. >> i will be on twitter and people will be like i was watching this movie in a theater and an older pakistani couple turned around and was like did you like the movie, that was our son. they're just going around watching the movies -- or --

[ cheers and applause ] or there's an imposter brown couple a. i don't know what they get out of it. i didn't like the movie too much. it was too interracial for me. these are my shoes. >> jimmy: you're in this "the lego ninjago movie." this is a big deal with kids. have you told kids in your life about this? do you have nephews or anything. >> i don't have many kids in my life. thanks for bringing it up. >> jimmy: yeah. >> you haven't seen it? >> jimmy: no. >> it's really, really good. >> jimmy: the lego batman movie was fantastic. >> it's funny and moving. the action is amazing. i forgot i was in it. that's how good it was. and it was very interracial at all.

>> jimmy: that's what they're saying. >> so that guy, that guy's going to like it. >> jimmy: that guy's going to like it. >> might be a girl but i'm guessing it's a guy. >> jimmy: it's good to see you, congratulations. the "the lego ninjago movie" opens in theaters in friday. and if you haven't seen "the big sick" check it out on itunes. kumail nanjiani, everybody. when we come back we'll have fall out boy. ♪ >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live!" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing.

♪ the best things in life they're free ♪

♪ stars belong to everyone ♪ ♪ they cling there for you and for me ♪ ♪ flowers in spring ♪ the robins that sing ♪ the sunbeams that shine ♪ they're yours and their mine ♪ love can come to everyone ♪ the best things in life they're free ♪ ♪ >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live!" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: i'd like to thank julie bowen, kumail nanjiani and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time for him tonight. "nightline" is next, but first their album is called "mania." they're hitting the road in october. here with the song "the last of the real ones" fall out boy! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

♪ i was just an only child of the universe and then i found you and then i found you ♪ ♪ you are the sun and i am just the planets spinning around you spinning around you ♪ ♪ you were too good to be true gold plated ♪ ♪ but what's inside you but what's inside you i know this whole damn city thinks it needs you ♪ ♪ but not as much as i do as much as i do yeah cause you're the last of a dying breed ♪ ♪ write our names in the wet concrete i wonder if your therapist knows everything about me ♪ ♪ i'm here in search of your glory there's been a million before me ♪ ♪ that ultra kind of love

you never walk away from you're just the last of the real ones ♪ ♪ you're just the last of the real ones you're just the last of the real ones ♪ ♪ you're just the last of the real ones you're just the last of the real ones ♪ ♪ i am a collapsing star with tunnel vision but only for you but only for you ♪ ♪ my head is stripped just like a screw that's been tightened too many times ♪ ♪ when i think of you when i think of you i will shield you from the waves ♪ ♪ if they find you i will protect you i will protect you ♪ ♪ just tell me tell me tell me i i am the only one ♪ ♪ even if it's not true even if it's not true yeah

cause you're the last of a dying breed ♪ ♪ write our names in the wet concrete i wonder if your therapist knows everything about me ♪ ♪ i'm here in search of your glory there's been a million before me ♪ ♪ that ultra kind of love you never walk away from you're just the last of the real ones ♪ ♪ you're just the last of the real ones you're just the last of the real ones ♪ ♪ you're just the last of the real ones you're just the last of the real ones ♪ ♪ i'm here at the beginning of the end oh the end of infinity with you ♪ ♪ i'm here at the beginning of the end oh the end of infinity with you ♪ ♪ i'm done with having dreams the thing that i believe ♪ ♪ oh you drain all the fear from me

i'm done with having dreams ♪ ♪ the thing that i believe you drain the fear from me cause you're the last of a dying breed ♪ ♪ write our names in the wet concrete i wonder if your therapist knows everything about me ♪ ♪ i'm here in search of your glory there's been a million before me ♪ ♪ that ultra kind of love you never walk away from you're just the last of the real ones ♪ ♪ you're just the last of the real ones you're just the last of the real ones ♪ ♪ you're just the last of the real ones you're just the last of the real ones ♪ you're just the last of the real ones ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

this is "nightline." >> tonight, scouts dishonor? >> he essentially trained me to not say anything. that was our secret. >> a man alleging years of abuse at the hands of his boy scout troop leader. >> he took me to the apartment. i got beer in the fridge for you. i was 11. intoxicated. >> how he says the boy scouts turned a blind eye. in the lawsuit against the organization of. and what he would say to his alleged attacker in prison for another crime. plus deposito and his video costar and how their viral sensation