>> thanks for watching abc news. we're always online. jimmy kimmel is up next. >> dicky: tonight on "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> jimmy: made more than $140 million over the weekend. i have to say, it's refreshing to finally see a story about wolves and teen pregnancy that doesn't involve the pay lynns. >> dicky: artie lange and nick dipaolo. >> jimmy: you look great. >> do i really? >> dicky: atticus shaffer. >> oh, my god,igigigigigigigigig

>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- artie lange and nick dipaolo. atticus shaffer. and music from lady antebellum. with cleto and the cletones. and now, hold on tight. here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. that's very nice. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks for being here on this magical night of celebrity dancing and that it is.

it was a night of many rumbas here on abc with the second to last "dancing with the stars" show on the season. less than 24 hours of knowing who will take home the coveted mirror ball trophy and less than 36 hours away from forgetting who took home the coveted mirror ball trophy, so -- [ applause ] can you feel that? excitement. static electricity. the final three contestants, j.r. martinez, ricki lake and rob kardashian danced tonight. this is something. according to a new poll, 54% of americans believe rob kardashian is a finalist on the show because his sister has been encouraging people to vote for him through twitter. only 14% think he's a finalist because he's one of the best dancers. and 26% had no opinion, because they lead full and productive lives. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: but he was the best one tonight. once again, they're doing things differently this year for the final. the scores will be combined with

the viewer votes, as they usually do, and then one dancer will be eliminated tomorrow night leaving two finalists who will have a final battle, an instant samba which -- wasn't that like a brand of decaf coffee my grandparents used to drink or something? sanka. rob kardashian had the highest score tonight, he had 57 out of 60. ricki and j.r. tied with 54. and -- i don't know. maybe i'm dreaming, but i think chaz bono could still win this thing, right? wrong? don't patronize me, please. last night here in los angeles, the 39th annual amas. the amas, as you know, are the annual ceremony on which the american medical association gives out awards for -- taylor swift won best esophagus. congratulations. this happened before the program. they had a reporter on the red carpet who isn't a reporter. he's an actor named ryan devlin. he had a difficult time acting like he was at all interested in

anything mary j. blige had to say. >> you've got a new album dropping, speaking of which, it's, "my life 2," a follow-up. >> tomorrow the album comes out, and the follow-up to the first "my life" album. in the very first "my life" album we were in a place where i could say we weren't happy. but there's been so much growth and evolution since then and, you know, just learning how to understand that -- >> we're looking forward to seeing you. toss it right back to you. >> jimmy: and we're done. please, if you could, please limit your personal journey to 15 words or less. i blame twitter for that. on the other side of the time coin, nicki minaj was -- she won best rap/hip-hop artist then had to walk about a mile and a half to pick up her award. stick with this. >> in her breakthrough year nicki minaj wins her very first american music award and has a chance to take home another

trophy tonight. she's also up for favorite rap/hip-hop album. ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: and we're there. you know, the song she won for didn't last that long. when i was in kindergarten, my mom used to walk me to school. it took less time than that. poor mary j. blige still out on the red carpet waiting to finish the story. [ laughter ] as you presumably know, thanksgiving is on thursday. thanksgiving is the day on which

we give thanks for all the cool stuff we have and own, right? at least that's how i do it, but in olden times pilgrims wore belts on their hats, thanksgiving used to be the one day of the year people in the country overate. now we do it all 365 days. [ laughter ] i am cooking this year. this is -- i want to show this off. that's the turkey i made last year. is that beautiful or what? look at it. it's nuked, radioactive. and this year i'll be smoking his son. i like -- you know what i like, i like putting marshmallows on the sweet potatoes or yams -- whatever the hell -- i don't understand why we don't put toasted marshmallows on all our vegetables all the time. busy time for tv chefs. very few people actually know how to cook a turkey. it can be intimidating, so the chefs teach you what to do. we asked my aunt chippy to share some of her wisdom in the

kitchen. and i think you'll like this because not only will you learn something about cooking a turkey or carving one, but you'll get an idea of the chemistry my aunt chippy has with our director, brad. >> hi, this is aunt chippy, and welcome to "chip's tips." today, we have a thanksgiving turkey, and it looks wonderful, it smells delicious, and we are going to enjoy this turkey. >> cut, cut, cut. this is about carving it. today i'm -- i'm going to show you how to carve a turkey. that's it. here we go. less energy. smile, action. >> hi, this is aunt chippy, and welcome to "chip's tips." >> wait, wait. we have to really understand it, okay? >> right now, we're going to learn how to carve a turkey. >> i wonder if you should turn the turkey. i want to make sure -- >> what is it with you and [ bleep ] turning? this guy only has two sides. both sides are exactly the same.

we got an ass sticking out with some [ bleep ] over here and his head cut off over here, so basically we've got this side and this side. that's all we got to work with. and we're going to just do this thing right down the middle. we're going to -- we're going to beat the [ bleep ] out of this thing and -- i don't know what the hell is in there. >> let's do it again here. get the other turkey. >> better not go to waste. don't let me see you put it in the garbage or i'll dump your ass in there with it. if you like dark meat, you have to go the -- this part, over here. >> wait. >> i don't care about nothing right now. >> cut, cut, cut. no, no, no. >> and -- >> the turkey does not look good on camera. do we have another turkey? >> what do you mean it didn't look good? you told me it was cooked for eight hours. >> it doesn't look good.

>> god is watching you, brad. he is watching you right now. >> okay, here we go. a lot of energy. a lot of energy. >> we're going to carve a turkey today, and it's going to be perfect. we're going to start in the middle. >> no. cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. wait. should be -- no, no. you can't shoot with this turkey. >> you know what, shoot -- don't throw it out! oh, my god! >> okay. >> oh, my god! >> do we have any other turkeys? >> oh, my god. >> okay. let's go get another turkey. >> oh, no. you're not going to get another turkey because i am not going to stand here cutting up [ bleep ] turkeys because -- and letting you throw them out when people are hungry. they would want that turkey. stick this bit up your ass. i'm done. i'm not doing it. i'm done. [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: thank you, aunt chippy. the idea is get her very angry and make sure she has a sharp knife in her hands. the big movie this weekend was the latest installment of the "twilight" saga. did you see this? "twilight saga: breaking dawn part one." it made more than $140 million over the weekend. i have to say it's refreshing to finally see a story about wolves and teen pregnancy that doesn't involve the palins. isn't it? remember them? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i -- [ applause ] i saw the movie and i'll tell you something, for someone who can't see himself in a mirror, edward's hair looks amazing. it really does. congress today failed us again. shocking, i know. republicans and democrats in the congressional super committee were unable to make any kind of compromise to cut the deficit by the deadline, which was tonight. the super committee, in case you don't know, is to committees what super cuts is to cuts, and i think the problem is there were consequences for the

country if they didn't get this done but no consequences for the committee members themselves. hear me out. if we had fed each committee member a poisoned cupcake, something that takes a month to kill you and told them that once they came to an agreement, they could have the antidote, i'm not a political scientist but i have a feeling the process would have gone more smoothly. [ applause ] >> jimmy: this is -- here's a government that has its act together. north korea has apparently opened its borders to tourism. you know, this is a country that would not let others in, but this is a real quote from the tourism bureau. pyongyang, i'm sure i'm mispronouncing it, boasts water so clean you can drink from the tap, wide boulevards uncluttered by traffic and a plethora of soaring memorials and monuments. when the second item on your list is tap water you can drink, i don't know if it's the greatest place, but there are restrictions. you can go -- there are

restrictions on traveling in north korea. visitors are only allowed in certain areas. you're not permitted to interact with north korean citizens. and you can't bring cell phones or cameras to which -- that will bring in the asian tourists, all right. but they are serious about tourism, and, in fact, just launched a new ad campaign to try to attract visitors from the united states. >> this is beautiful north korea. stay in our luxury hotels. relax in our tropical spa getaway. meet our friendly locals. and marvel at our beautiful women. visit north korea, you won't want to leave. it won't be permitted. north korea, you may not leave. >> jimmy: more of a staycation i guess is what you call it. [ applause ] 4 and one more thing. you know, on thursday night, we held our second annual national unfriend day. this is a day on which we asked everyone with a facebook page to cut back their friends list.

it was a huge success. millions of so-called facebook friends were unfriended. almost 100% of the feedback i've heard has been positive. people were very happy to unclutter their page, but some people were a little upset because they got unfriended. it's hard to get unfriended. it's a rejection from somebody who maybe you thought was your friend. it's for the best though, and tonight to help you through it, if you are having trouble, someone who has become a big supporter of n.u.d., has come here to let you know, no matter how many times you were unfriended, everything will be okay. >> it happens to everyone. you never think it can happen to you -- you've been unfriended. hi, i'm william shatner. being unfriended by someone you kind of know can hurt. you can no longer read their status updates, see their spring break photos or deny their farmville requests. you feel low. you feel worthless. but now there's hope. first comes denial.

surely they didn't unfriend me. why, i've known dave ever since i met him at that thing. you feverishly refresh the page. could this be sabotage? something must be wrong. next comes anger. so, i'm not good enough to write on your wall, well, then screw you. i have hundreds of other real facebook friends who are just begging to be poked, and yet you miss dave, which leads to depression. dave no longer pops up on your newsfeed. you miss the way you randomly stalked his photo albums at 2:00 in the morning. you miss the picture of his girlfriend on the beach. in a way she was your girlfriend too. you miss it all.

but he's gone now, and eventually you will move on to acceptance. you were unfriended. it's time to move on. use this new-found freedom to better yourself. poke new people. upload photos of your dog drinking beer. may that bastard dave rue the day he unfriended you and know that i will never unfriend you. for as a lonl call man once said, i have been and always will be your friend. "star trek." >> oh. nanu nanu. >> [ bleep ] you, loser. [ applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, mr. shatner. we have a good show for you tonight.

from "the middle," atticus schafer is here. we have music from lady antebull lem and we'll be right back with nick dipaolo and artie lange, so stick around. let's go to vegas. alright, let's do it. let's do it, let's go to vegas. vegas baby! maybe we should head back to the dealership first? vegas! no, this is a test drive. vegas! [ male announcer ] it's practically yours. but we still need your signature. volkswagen sign then drive is back. and it's never been easier to get a jetta. that's the power of german engineering. get zero first month's payment, zero down, zero security deposit and zero due at signing on any new volkswagen. visit vwdealer.com. no, i wouldn't use that single miles credit card. hey, aren't you... shhh. i'm researching a role. today's special... the capital one venture card.

you earn double miles on every purchase. impressive. chalk is a lost medium. if you're not earning double miles... you're settling for half. was that really necessary? [ male announcer ] get the venture card at capitalone.com and earn double miles on every purchase every day. what's in your wallet? cover for me. i have an audition. what's in your wallet? this was the gulf's best tourism season in years. all because so many people wanted to visit us... in louisiana. they came to see us in florida... nice try, they came to hang out with us in alabama... once folks heard mississippi had the welcome sign out, they couldn't wait to get here. this year was great but next year's gonna be even better. and anyone who knows the gulf knows that winter is primetime fun time. the sun's out and the water's beautiful. you can go deep sea fishing for amberjack, grouper and mackerel. our golf courses are open. our bed and breakfast have special rates. and migrating waterfowl from all over make this a bird watcher's paradise. so if you missed it earlier this year, come on down.

if you've already been here come on back... to mississippi... florida... louisiana... alabama. the gulf's america's get-a-way spot no matter where you go. so come on down and help make 2012 an even better year for tourism on the gulf. brought to you by bp and all of us who call the gulf home.

thanks, man! that's what i'm here for. ( palms slap ) man: do your simple return with the turbotax federal free edition,

and now, get our free, one-on-one, expert tax advice, live by phone or chat. get the federal free edition, at turbotax.com. nyqui tylenol: me, too. and cougnasal congestion.ers? nyquil:what? tissue box (whispering): he said nasal congestion... nyquil: i heard him. anncr vo: tylenol cold multi-symptom nighttime relieves nasal congestion... nyquil cold & flu doesn't. when did you start that project? every new year comes with a few stories waiting to be built. it's when our brand-new to-do lists become "you did that yourself?" so when we can save more on the projects that let us build, make, and even store more, well, that just makes the stories even better. more saving. more doing. that's the power of the home depot. make room for savings with these sterilite totes for a new lower price of just $5.88. ♪ [ male announcer ] there are over half a million apps and counting on the iphone. apps that can take you anywhere and do anything.

you might say there's no limit to what this amazing device can do. so the question to ask is -- why would anyone want to limit the iphone? [ phone beeping ] we don't. truly unlimited data for your iphone, trouble hearing on the phone? only from sprint. visit sprintrelay.com.

>> jimmy: well, tonight on the program, a very funny young man from "the middle," atticus shacher is schafer is with us. and last night, they won an ama, lady antebellum from the bud light stage. i want to mention our pal william shatner has a new book called "shatner rules: your guide to understanding the shatnerverse and the world at large." he would like you to buy it, so do. we have a good show for you tomorrow night. tomorrow night we'll have the winner of "dancing with the stars," david beckham, and dana delany will join us and music from nickelback, and that's it, but that's good, right? after turning down numerous offers from "grey's anatomy" and "dancing with the stars" our first guest decided to do a sports radio show, "the artie and nick show." the nationally syndicated show airs monday and friday nights at

10:00. please say hello to nick dipaolo and artie lange. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thanks for -- i know you guys took a night off, right, to come out and do this? >> yeah, they had to really twist our arm. >> we've been on seven weeks, jim, and it's time for a night off. >> jimmy: are you sick of each other already? >> yes. >> a little bit. >> jimmy: a little bit. would either of you have considered this if it was a morning radio show? >> well, first of all, we wouldn't do mornings because the morning guys at talk sports know what they're talking about. 10:00 p.m., we don't know what we're talking about. >> if i knew about sports, with my gambling problem, i'd have three summer homes by now. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you know, it's funny, because i think, when you say

you don't know what you're talking about when it comes to sports, but does anyone know what they're talking about, unless you played or are a coach or something? >> i played at a football factory, university of maine. >> jimmy: you did? >> i was a running back. i got hit by a deer on our first scrimmage. true story. not making that up. >> jimmy: did the deer have a little celebration dance? >> well -- >> jimmy: i should ask, artie, how are you doing? everyone asks how are you doing. >> i'm doing good. i'm doing really good. [ applause ] >> jimmy: you look great. you look -- >> do i really? yeah, because i'm looking at the monitor, and i think you're [ bleep ] me. no, i'm doing great. you know, i'm sober. i've been sober for a long time, clean and sober. >> jimmy: good, good. >> the problem is you go to

rehab, and they try to -- they try to take your mind off drugs with other things like board games. like, you -- they'll say to a crackhead, we know you're a crackhead, but, hey, you want to play monopoly? and the crackhead will go, no, i don't want to play monopoly. i want to smoke crack. like, i know there's -- you got a big high out of putting a hotel on boardwalk, but it really didn't compare to the high of crack. >> jimmy: i think the idea is, they're doing things that are so very boring, when you get out, you'll appreciate, like, a softball game. >> right, right, right. yeah, people tell me about a runner's high like i've heard about that. that hasn't happened to me. i've tried running to get a runner's high, and apparently you have to run more than 30 feet together. >> jimmy: that's what they say. >> like forrest gump-type running. around the country. >> jimmy: you were in, like, a facility, or -- what kind --

where were you? >> i was in several facilities. >> jimmy: several facilities. >> i was in a rehab in a psych ward, a mental institution for a little while, which is a lot of fun. because a lot of interesting things happen when you're there. >> i'm working with him now. >> jimmy: you haven't been in the psych ward? >> not yet. >> jimmy: give it time. >> i'm hooked on sodium. that's about it. >> i'll get the guy going. i'll get the guy going. >> jimmy: what was that like in the psych ward? >> well, you know, you meet a lot of interesting people there. people have a low opinion of it, but it can be fun. and you actually came up in the psych ward. >> jimmy: oh, great. >> true. >> i was walking around, and this like 350-pound black guy thought he recognized me from tv. he goes, i know you, man, i know you. i was like, whatever. i was trying to be anonymous, but i was wearing a "jimmy kimmel" t-shirt. you get a t-shirt when you're on the show. i was wearing your shirt. and he saw the shirt, and he goes, hey, man, you're jimmy kimmel.

[ laughter ] >> jimmy: terrific. [ applause ] >> i'm your buddy. i tried to protect, i said, no. don't -- the cat's out of the bag, man. you're jimmy kimmel. i go, no, i'm really not. then he starts telling everyone, jimmy kimmel is here, man. >> jimmy: great. >>jimmy kimmel's here. after four times i got tired, so i just let him think i was jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy: thank you. >> and then there's a common area where you watch tv and your show came on television and i said, see, he's on tv 3,000 miles away. no, no, man. you taped that earlier. you're jimmy kimmel. and then i got him mad because my shower was broken in the psych ward, and they took me to a different shower to use, and he got all mad at me. he goes, oh, jimmy, mr. big shot. mr. celebrity can't shower with us. >> jimmy: i would have showered with him.

i still would love to shower with him. >> take it easy, sandusky. what did i do? it's a sports show. >> jimmy: nick, how did you guys meet? >> at an audition in l.a. i came out here to act, and, you know, it went well. i'm doing radio in new york. [ laughter ] but the problem was, every audition i went on, it was me and the same three or four italian guys in the waiting room. >> jimmy: right. >> so, we started carpooling after like two weeks. it was like me, scott baio and ralph macchio looking for ed marinaro types, so -- [ laughter ] >> that's how i became good friends with the guy that played newman on "seinfeld." we just met at auditions. >> jimmy: now, with the radio show, you were hired first, right nick? >> yeah. >> jimmy: then how -- did you have to talk artie into it? >> well, they wanted to match me up with like tony siragusa, and i was like, [ bleep ], just bring tony sirico and "the

sopranos" guys into it. i was like, you know, michael vick got a second chance. artie is not machine gunning puppies and throwing poodles into a fryolator. >> jimmy: he's not. [ applause ] >> so at least not that i remember. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and, artie, did you have to think about it for awhile? >> no, at that point, i was ready to start working a landscaping business. i would have done anything. >> i'm laying there literally on the couch trying to think of -- i had a conversation with the directv guys. by the way, the show will be on directv in the spring. at least that's what i'm saying out here. so i'm laying there trying to think of somebody and literally haven't heard from him in 10, 11 months, he's playing scrabble in a psych ward, and the phone says "arthur lange." and i go, artie,

want to do a sports radio show? yeah, what the hell. why not. >> jimmy: that's how it happened? >> no agents involved or nothing. it was beautiful. >> jimmy: nick and artie are with us, "the nick and artie show." we'll be right back. [ male announcer ] all over the world, there's a battery that's relied on to help bring children holiday joy. of course, children don't really think about which battery makes their toy run, but, still, you'd never want to disappoint. duracell. trusted everywhere.

i'm good. alright. [ male announcer ] every time you say no to a cigarette, you celebrate a little win. nicorette mini helps relieve cravings in minutes. so you can quit one cigarette at a time. until you reach your goal. nicorette mini. quit one cigarette at a time. yeah, our low prices are even lower. we need to teach her how to walk. she is taking up valuable cart space. aren't you, honey? [ male announcer ] it's our biggest clearance event of the year where our prices are even lower. save money. live better. walmart. okay, guys, are you ready to see your new kitchen? yes!!! me too. let's go. take a look!! ahhh. here. we. go! it looks amazing!

you didn't do anything. you just put bud light on the counter. exactly. it totally opens it up. we gave it a fun vibe. clearly this is a room people want to hang out in. [ male announcer ] it's the sure sign of a good time. the just right taste of bud light. here we go. the landscapers are here. nice.

♪ when life gets busy... there are days where you want to give your immune system some support. try airborne. each serving contains 14 vitamins, minerals and herbs including zinc, echinacea, ginger, and a blast of vitamin c. it's the easy, great-tasting way to help support your immune system. try airborne. in fast-acting effervescent formula, and new super-convenient chewable tablets! >> jimmy: we are back with nick dipaolo and artie lange. still to come, atticus shaffer and lady antebellum.

so you're doing this radio show now every single night. >> right. >> jimmy: have you adjusted to working these hours? >> well, it's weird. i spend time with you every time i go to work, jim. i don't know if you realize this. i take a cab to work, and the show -- in new york city cabs now, the show is in the back of cabs. >> jimmy: right, they run our videos. >> you can't get away from it. it's always on. every time i'm in there, there is a video of you and interviewing a guest to promote the show. and one time i'm watching the show and you're interviewing adam sandler. i'm in the back of the cab. and the cab driver is one of these real angry guys. you don't know where he's from, exactly and he's got a mad look on his face. he's got like, you know, like real hairy ears, and he's got like that bluetooth thing that's shoved in the ear, and it's all stuck in there. he's arguing with someone and you don't know what he's talking about. and every once in a while you

recognize one word -- staten island. and i'm watching the show, and you're interviewing adam sandler. i'm laughing. you guys are making me laugh. we stop at a red light, and the cab driver looks behind at me during the red light, and he goes, you like jimmy kimmel? and i go -- i go, yeah, i like him a lot. he makes me laugh. i go, do you like him? he goes, i think he's a whining bitch. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: probably somewhere in between. >> i wanted to defend you because like you're my friend, but i was scared of the guy. i didn't want to start a fatwa with the guy. i'm 38. >> my question is when did adam carolla start driving a cab? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's his ass, not his ears you're thinking about. the man's hairy. what can i say? >> i haven't adjusted to -- >> jimmy: you haven't? >> you're a comic.

you work nights. why would that be an adjustment, but when you do radio, you drink a ton of coffee. when you do comedy, you drink a ton of scotch. right? i come home now, i'm wired. i live an hour into the city. i drive home and i'm wired on caffeine. i watch "the o'reilly factor," go up to my wife, who i didn't know, because i used to fall asleep before her. she noerp snores lie a pirate. she's 105 pounds soaking wet, but when she snores, she sounds like precious with a sinus infection. [ laughter ] >> it's a very deceiving snore. it's like -- [ making snoring sounds ] like trying to sleep next to a cappuccino machine. i don't know what to do to start. i pinch her nose while she's sleeping. i'm standing on her neck with my timberlands. i'm sleeping in other women's beds. nothing's working. i'm exhausted. >> jimmy: got to switch to

decaf. >> the biggest thing to me is trying to adjust to the new sports. i'm a big boxing fan, but everyone likes mma, martial -- whatever it is. >> jimmy: mixed martial arts. so i'm trying to get into that, because everybody calls in about it. every time i put it on, it weirds me out. because in boxing, the guys are just hitting each other, always standing up. but in mma, every time i put it on, there's a guy spread eagle and a guy laying on top of him. and -- [ laughter ] and they're not -- they're almost like talking, like, cuddling for a little while. and then all of a sudden they just start punching each other in the face, and what it looks like to me, two gay guys are having sex, and one of the guys realizes he's not gay and starts fighting. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: nick and artie, "the nick and artie" show on the radio mondays through fridays at 10:00. and then coming to directv. >> yeah, directv. >> jimmy: we'll be right back with atticus shaffer.

what makes a hershey's bar pure? pure togetherness. pure friendship.

pure delicious chocolate. pure hershey's. yeah, our low prices are even lower. we need to teach her how to walk. she is taking up valuable cart space. aren't you, honey? [ male announcer ] it's our biggest clearance event of the year where our prices are even lower. save money. live better. walmart. at subway restaurants this december, and there's still time, so hurry in for a $2 sub -- regular 6" cold cut combo or meatball marinara. score! that's a great deal. can i have one now? only at subway. [ female announcer ] find yourself sometimes cleaning up after your dishcloth? bounty extra soft can help. it's super durable, and in this lab test bounty extra soft leaves this surface three times cleaner than a dishcloth. even with just one sheet. super clean. super soft.

bounty extra soft. in the pink pack. and try bounty napkins. nyquil tylenol: we are?ylenol. you know we're kinda like twins. nyquil (stuffy): yeah, we both relieve coughs, sneezing, aches, fevers. tylenol: and i relieve nasal congestion. nyquil (stuffy): overachiever. anncr vo: tylenol cold multi-symptom nighttime relieves nasal congestion... nyquil cold & flu doesn't.

guys... [ female announcer ] pillsbury cinnamon rolls with cinnabon cinnamon are an irresistible sunday morning idea. nothing calls them to the table faster. sunday morning ideas made easy. [ younger brother ] oh, do you want it? yeah. ok, we'll split it. [ female announcer ] made fresh, so light... ...buttery and flaky... this is half. that is not half. guys i have more. [ female announcer ] do you have enough crescents?

nick, what are you doing? oh, there's still a few more days of chevy's giving more. got to stay loose. how do you do it? i have my little helpers. boop. oh. [ chuckles ] [ male announcer ] hurry in to chevy's giving more.

these savings are almost over. now very well qualified lessees can sign and drive the chevy cruze ls for around $199 a month. or get 2.9% apr financing plus no monthly payments until spring. ♪ ♪ [ laughs ] ♪ ♪ you bet. wow. man: do your simple return with the turbotax federal free edition, and now get our free, one-on-one, expert tax advice, live by phone or chat. get the federal free edition, at turbotax.com.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] be bold. introducing the new blackberry bold.

>> jimmy: lady antebellum will join us. our next guest is a very talented young man who we hope will grow up to be nothing like nick or artie. he's one of the stars of "the middle." you can watch it wednesday nights here on abc. hey, atticus. how are you doing? >> good. how about you? >> jimmy: how old are you? >> i'm 13. >> jimmy: that means pg-13 movies you can go to on your own. that's a big age, teenage. >> definitely, definitely.

>> jimmy: yeah, sure. this is the third season of "the middle." are people recognizing you? >> yeah, they really have been. there have been a lot of -- there have been a lot of people that recognize me, and i'm not really used to it, because when i see people staring at me, is there a booger in my nose? but -- >> jimmy: then that one day where there is -- >> yeah, there is, yeah. yeah. no, but there have been -- i don't want to say strange -- but there have been unique people that come up to me and how they react to the show, and i really like to see it because i like to see how people enjoy it. i like feedback because -- >> jimmy: what will they say to you? >> well, i mean they'll say -- there was this -- actually this one time we were at comic-con for my other show, voiceover show i do "fish hooks." and it was after we did the panel and we were kind of walking to dinner, myself, my mom and my brother. and the man -- another man and

this girl come up to us and they're walking by and go, can we do a photo-op? i'm thinking, what does he mean? oh, that, yeah, so i just agreed, and he goes, this is awesome. he gets the camera over the girl, and he comes over to me. oh, we're such huge fans of "modern family." nice to meet you, bye. and -- >> jimmy: that rubbed you the wrong way? >> then he -- then he -- his mood changes. no, wait, it's "the middle." i remember it because mike is a fan of the claw, and i am too. it made me mad when -- last year and -- oh, my god. i love this kid! >> jimmy: you realized that adults can't be trusted. >> yeah. okay, yeah, take the picture, please. i just want to go. >> jimmy: you had -- last time you were here you told me, how many penalties y pets do you ha?

>> a lot. >> jimmy: a lot. what are the highlights pet-wise? >> well, everything. really i mean you have -- we have the cats, the dogs, the chickens, unfortunately this summer has been the summer of passing on because we've lost a couple of our pets, but we also -- >> jimmy: what did you lose? >> we lost a rabbit and our three birds but -- >> jimmy: three birds. >> three birds, not chickens. just regular birds. >> jimmy: just regular birds. was there a police investigation? >> a small one, but -- >> jimmy: there was. >> the cats didn't do it, so we were okay. >> jimmy: have you replaced these animals? >> we have because what we really like in our house, because we do lye in the country, we do love bird song. we like to hear it come around, we like to hear it come around. and if we're upstairs, we like to hear them sing with each other. >> jimmy: right. >> so, we did get two new parakeets, and they're just so sweet. one of them actually does have mutton chops, which is very -- which is very sweet. [ laughter ]

>> jimmy: you -- facial hair on a parakeet? >> yeah, and i -- it scared me, too, at first. [ laughter ] but -- no, they're just so sweet. they love each other. they love being in the house, and we've put them right by the window so they can see all the other birds flying around. >> jimmy: that's great. almost like being in prison. >> yeah. >> jimmy: with a view of the mall. >> i wish i was there. >> jimmy: but i can't get through. >> the glsz! >> jimmy: what's your plan for the holiday weekend? what do you do for thanksgiving? >> my mom is definitely cooking up a big thanksgiving dinner, which is really good. >> jimmy: nice. >> not from -- from the cafe. no, but a nice homemade dinner, and actually myself, my mom and my brother are going away to disney world for about a week. >> jimmy: oh, that's fun. a week. >> definitely. >> jimmy: that's a lot of fun. something you've done before? >> no, actually, we've never done it before and there's actually a really nice story

behind it is, my brother, when he was 13, my mom had saved up enough money to go to disney world in florida, to travel there. and about ten days before the vacation, a bully pushed him down at school and he hurt his leg and they weren't able to go. so it's really cool, a way to right a wrong done a long time ago and i get to be apart of it. >> jimmy: and you didn't even get pushed down the stairs. nice. [ applause ] that bully, did you guys hire somebody to break his kneecaps or anything like that? >> well, let's just say he learned his lesson, yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you must like amusement parks because i have a picture of you at legoland where i have not been to legoland, but the statue of liberty is made of legos. right? >> yes, yeah. this was actually the legoland in florida that just recently opened. i was going to look at the construction. it was cool to see how they construct it. but what they did was, that made

a miniland, usa. and they took a picture of me from one of the seasons of "the middle" and made a minilander of me, and i can put it anywhere i want in miniland usa, and i was able to put it right there on the base of the statue of liberty. >> we have a closer shot. >> jimmy: there's you right there. welcoming the immigrants into florida. [ applause ] >> jimmy: that's nice. >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's pretty cool. will it be there forever? >> as far as i know, yes. >> jimmy: yeah, well, if it isn't -- you can cause a lot of trouble when you get there. you had -- norm mcdonald was on your show last week. >> yeah, he was. >> jimmy: you guys drove together. i know norm does not know how to drive, right? >> correct, yeah, he doesn't know how to drive and -- >> jimmy: so did you do the driving? >> well, what they did -- and this was really good, is they took one of the guys, what they did, because the bottom of the truck was big enough to fit a

person down there, they had him work the brakes and all i had to do was steer. >> jimmy: really? >> notice "all i had to do." drive right past a $500 something camera with a guy that doesn't know how to drive. >> jimmy: like a dream come true. >> well, no, not really. >> jimmy: it wasn't. really? >> no, i was -- i was scared to death. at the same time the adrenaline is pumping because it is a different experience, but, yeah. >> jimmy: you've got norm in the car with you. >> yeah, and i've got norm in the car. he was really cool. he was really cool to work with him because i like when we have guest stars because with the regular cast members, you have the same stories. you know who they are. >> jimmy: they're boring. >> well, not -- yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, it's very good to see you. i hope you have fun at disney world, not disneyland. that will be good times. and hopefully something terrible will happen to the bully. atticus shaffer, everybody.

"the middle" airs wednesday nights at 8:00 on abc. be right back with lady antebellum. u@u@u@u@u@u@u@u@u@u@@

>> jimmy: this is their latest album "we owned the night."

here with the song "we owned the night," lady antebellum. >> stick your hands in the air. ♪ ♪ tell me have you ever wanted someone so much it hurts ♪ ♪ your lips keep trying to speak but you just can't find the words ♪ ♪ well i had this dream once and i held it in my hands ♪ ♪ she was the purest beauty but not the common kind ♪ ♪ she had a way about her that made you feel alive ♪ ♪ and for a moment we made the world stand still ♪ ♪ yeah, we owned the night ♪

♪ you had me dim the lights you danced just like a child ♪ ♪ the wine spilled on your dress and all you did was smile ♪ ♪ yeah, it was perfect and i hold it in my mind ♪ ♪ yeah, we owned the night oh, yeah ♪ ♪ ♪ when the summer rolls around and the sun starts sinking down ♪ ♪ i still remember you oh i remember you ♪ ♪ and i wonder where you are are you looking at those same stars again do you remember when ♪ ♪ we woke under a blanket

all tangled up in skin not knowing in that moment we'd never speak again ♪ ♪ but it was perfect i never will forget ♪ ♪ oh i never will forget ♪ when we owned the night ♪ ♪ yeah, we owned the night, yeah ♪ ♪ >> all right, everybody, sing. ♪ whoa oh-oh oh whoa oh-oh oh ♪ ♪ whoa oh-oh oh whoa oh-oh

oh ♪ >> jimmy: i want to thank artie lange and nick dipaolo. i want to thank atticus shaffer and william shatner. i want to apologize to matt damon. we ran out of time. tomorrow night the winner of "dancing with the stars," david beckham will be here, dana delany will be here, we'll have music from nickelback. this is their new album. playing us off the air with the song "just a kiss," you can see the full performance at jimmykimmellive.com. once again, lady antebellum. good night. ♪ ♪ lyin' here with you so close to me it's hard to fight these feelings ♪ ♪ when it feels so hard to breathe caught up in this moment