abe and mary are seated watching the show. oh, mary. this is wonderful. ok, mary. stop your scolding. i'll be quiet. i need her like i need a hole in the head. [chuckling] mm. oh. bang. [grunting] [applause] ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your hosts, desi lydic and michael kosta! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

's ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> desi: welcome to "the daily show!" i'm desi lydic. >> michael: and i'm michael kosta. we have a great show for you tonight. we're going to talk about how kate middleton's picture is worth 1,000 news articles, and lara trump and jesus take the wheel at the rnc, and congress gets to the bottom of whether biden is old. but first, desi, i think we should take a moment to acknowledge equal pay day. because women don't earn enough, and personally, i'm sick of it. >> desi: oh, that's so nice, michael. >> michael: in fact, in the spirit of transparency, i'd like us to both say our salaries out loud, right now. >> desi: oh, uh... we really don't need to do that. >> michael: no, desi, i'm an ally. i want to bring light to an issue affecting all women. >> desi: well, i mean, there might not be a pay gap for every

woman. some women might be making more than men, so i think we can just move on. >> michael: $65 a week! $65 a week! that's what i make. now go ahead and say yours, you don't have to be embarrassed. >> desi: uh, you're right, i make less than that, michael. >> michael: this country disgusts me. >> desi: well, now that we have that out of the way, there's a lot of election news today, so let's get into it with another installment of "indecision 2024." [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ let's kick things off with the big campaign news. for years now, donald trump has gradually been taking over the republican party. first he got ted cruz's balls, then he took mitch mcconnell's spine, and now he's finally reached the butthole of the party, the republican national committee, and he's giving it a thorough cleansing.

>> dozens of staffers getting laid off. just days after donald trump's handpicked team took over the organization, top officials in communications, the political department, the data team, all getting the ax. lara trump, the former president's daughter-in-law, is now the committee's co-chair. >> in her speech nominating lara trump, rnc committeewoman beth bloch argued that it doesn't matter if she lacks judicial qualifications. >> in a world where qualifications are often measured by titles and years of experience, we're reminded of a powerful truth: god does not call the qualified, he qualifies the called. lara trump is the embodiment of this truth. >> desi: this is the most mean girl introduction i have ever heard. "a lot of people think you should be qualified to have a job, but here's lara trump anyway! take it up with god!" but i get why god would bless

donald trump appointing his daughter-in-law. i mean, jesus was the original nepo baby. forget a job, he started an entire religion based on, "um, do you know who my father is?" there is some truth to it. lara is completely unqualified. of course, that's never stopped her before. >> ♪ and i'll keep this world from dragging me down ♪ ♪ going to stand my ground ♪ ♪ and i won't back down ♪ [laughter and applause] >> desi: you know, sometimes it's okay to back down! >> michael: oh, my god. i blame god for that performance, although i think she proved there isn't one. but let's move onto the man lara trump and her friend, god, will be trying to defeat in november: joe biden. biden's age and mental fitness has been a central part of the campaign, which tends to happen when you're 154 years old, and

it's back in the news today. >> special counsel robert hur was at a hearing on capitol hill today defending his report on president biden's handling of classified documents from last month, where hur described biden as a, quote, "sympathetic, well-meaning elderly man with a poor memory." >> my assessment in the report about the relevance of the president's memory was necessary and accurate and fair. >> in hur's report where he declined to prosecute the president, he writes, "biden did not remember even within several years when his son beau died." that drew a fiery denial from the president. >> michael: hmm, hur'd that! [laughter] that's right, this special counsel got a lot of heat for calling attention to biden's memory problems. and look, i'm not going to sit here and say biden's brain is perfect, but can we just be honest here? remembering when things happened is hard. i mean, i can't remember dates from years ago and i'm a young, fit, chiseled, patient, optimistic, sudoku-doing handsome man.

>> desi: i kind of pegged you as more of a word search guy. but no, it's true, like, i can never remember any of my passwords. >> michael: i can't remember my kids' names! or if i have kids. >> desi: i can never remember my husband's birthday. >> michael: i can't remember my own birthday! >> desi: kosta, are you okay? >> michael: yeah, i was going to make an appointment with my doctor but i forgot how to use the phone. the point is, robert hur testified about his report today, and the democrats took the opportunity to challenge his portrayal of biden's memory. >> i want to turn you to the transcript and day one, page 47. you said to president biden, you have -- appear to have a photographic understanding and recall of the house. did you say that to president biden? >> those words do appear on page 47 of the transcript. >> "photographic" is what you said. is that right? >> that word does appear on page 47 of the transcript. >> never appeared in your

report, though. is that correct? the word "photographic." >> that does not appear in my report. >> michael: that's gotta hurrrr't! oh! see what i did there? cause his name is hur. i turned it into a bit of a wordplay. >> desi: yeah, no, i think we all get it. >> michael: but it's true, there was a lot from biden's five-hour deposition that didn't make it into the special counsel report. and let me tell you, there's a lot of other important stuff in there. >> desi: unfortunately, there isn't any footage from the deposition. but luckily, both michael and i are trained thespians. >> michael: that's right. so tonight, we present: selected readings from the biden deposition transcript. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] these are all actual quotes from president joe biden's deposition on handling classified documents. >> desi: you know, i went to mongolia, and great pictures. i unfortunately embarrassed the

hell out of the leader of mongolia. >> michael: i'd sit with my national security team, and say we should follow up on this, find out more about whether or not, you know, who killed cock robin, you know, and find out. >> desi: you left everything in place. i just hope you didn't find any risque pictures of my wife in a bathing suit. which you probably did. she's beautiful. >> michael: i just warn you all, never make one great eulogy, because you get asked to do everybody's eulogy. >> desi: by the way, there's a restroom right behind us. >> michael: i get to drive all these, you know, electric vehicles. i have. damn, they're quick. you step your foot on the accelerator all the way down... until it gets to about 6, 7 grand. then, all of a sudden, it will say "launch." all you do is take your foot off the brake.

vroom, vroom, vroom! >> desi: what are you doing? >> michael: i'm making a car sound. it says "makes car sound." >> desi: yeah, but that's not making a car sound. that's just saying the word "vroom"! >> michael: your car's a piece of shit, desi. don't give me performance notes, you didn't even get into juilliard. >> desi: like you did? >> michael: i told you, i was on the waitlist for the waitlist! you know what, this is over. >> desi: you are such a prima donna. this is why i make more money than you! >> michael: when we come back, we'll cover the other big story of the day. so don't go away. that's not true. [cheers and applause]

♪ "be your somebody" ♪ ♪ "tosca, act ii: vissi d'arte" ♪ ♪ by maria callas, ♪ ♪ orchestra del teatro alla scala, milano ♪ ♪ "be your somebody" ♪ ♪♪

happy groundhog day! i brought sam adams cold snap and this groundhog... uh-oh. (patrons screaming) bright. citrusy. perfect for spring. [sfx: seagulls squawking] [sfx: fishline] back for another flounder fish sandwich? and a shrimp tackle box. let us do the fishing

while y'all enjoy our seafood that you'll love. get them before they're gone. [cheers and applause] >> michael: welcome back to "the daily show." let's turn to some major news out of great britain, where the royal family has photoshopped their way into a brand new scandal. >> now to a royal photo scandal that has sparked controversy and conspiracies. >> the controversy started innocently enough. a family photo the princess of wales and the smiling children to mark mother's day here in britain, but then came the kill order from several global news agencies. >> at closer inspection, it appears that the source had manipulated the image. >> there's, like, little misalignments, right? >> a sleeve that didn't line up with charlotte's wrist, an obscure zipper, and her blurred hand. >> there's a print on up the top

corner of prince louis' sweater there where the pattern doesn't line up. her hair abruptly ends on her right shoulder. princess charlotte's hand isn't in the right spot. >> micheal: yeah, you didn't need to do all that forensic analysis. you know how i know that's fake? there's three kids smiling at the same time. as a parent, i know that's impossible. also, it should be noted, i didn't even know or care about kate middleton's leave of absence, but then you release a photo so edited, they have to issue a kill order? well, now i'm all in. the palace better have a good explanation for this. >> kensington palace posting this explanation: "like many amateur photographers, i do occasionally experiment with editing. i wanted to express my apologies for confusion." >> desi: i'm calling bullshit that kate was the one who edited the picture. this is the royal family. they don't do anything themselves! they don't even pick their own noses. they have butlers for that. you think she's doing her own

photoshopping? the only thing they know how to do without help is adultery! >> michael: yeah. [laughs] [crowd reacts] unfortunately, this is only going to fuel baseless speculation about why kate middleton has hardly been seen in months. and we don't want to get into all those rumors, like, is she getting a bbl? is she divorcing william? is she "gone girl"-ing him? >> desi: oh my god, do you think she is "gone girl"-ing him? >> michael: i think so. my tiktok was saying so. >> desi: tiktok's always right. okay, well we can't just sit here and talk about kate middleton all night. >> michael: you are absolutely right. >> desi: for more on kate middleton, let's go live to "the daily show"'s senior royal watcher, grace kuhlenschmidt. [cheers and applause] grace, what is going on in buckingham palace? >> well, desi and desi's friend, the palace is in chaos. they're eating beans on toast for breakfast, they're driving on the wrong side of the road, there's flying nannies

everywhere. it's a mess. >> michael: well, i think all of that stuff is normal there. but has the royal family explained why they released a photoshopped picture? >> yes, the royals are taking full responsibility for this breach of trust by completely blaming the whole thing on princess kate. mistakes were made all around, by her and her very real graphic design hobby. but the good news is, she's doing fine, and the palace just released a new photo that was taken this morning. see? everything is normal. she looks great. >> desi: um, grace, this is obviously manipulated. she's in front of the twin towers. >> hmm, yes. but you have to remember 9/11 didn't happen in england. oh, wait, you're right. i'm getting breaking news. the royals have admitted this

photo has been edited. they're saying, quote, "on behalf of the entire royal family, this is kate's fault." wow, that was really insensitive of her, guys. >> michael: grace, why can't they just release an unedited photo of the family so we know everything is fine? >> you must be some sort of fortune teller, sir, because i'm now hearing they have a new photo of the family together. yeah. now, that is one happy family! >> michael: grace, grace, what are you talking about? queen elizabeth is dead. how is she even in that photo? >> desi: the kids all have al pacino's face on them. >> and just to confirm: we are sure none of her kids are al pacino? >> michael: we're sure! >> okay, that confirms it! it's a fake! oh, and okay, the royals just

released a statement saying kate made that one up too. and they attached a list of things that are also kate's fault: colonization. the whole prince andrew thing. covid. you know, when you try to put a usb in but you realize it's the wrong way, so you got to turn it around, but then somehow it's still the wrong way? that's also kate! >> desi: can the royal family not just be honest about what is happening, instead of trying to blame kate for every pr [bleep] up? >> well, the good news is, they don't have to, because they just found a real photo of kate that should put all these questions to rest. see! she's fine! would a woman being silenced by a repressive dynasty be able to dunk like that? two points for the princess! >> desi: yeah, something still

seems off. >> michael: you know, that's what i thought, too, but on the other hand, she says she's doing great, so. >> desi: that's true. thank you, grace. grace kuhlenshmidt, everyone. [cheers and applause] [together] when we come back, jane marie will be joining us on the show. so don't go away! [cheers and applause]

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is kfc's new chizza... pizza? fried chicken? that's not pizza. that's right. it's not pizza. it's chizza. only at kfc. ( ♪♪ ) [cheers and applause] >> desi: welcome back to "the daily show." our guest tonight is an emmy award-winning journalist, podcast host, and author whose new book is called "selling the dream: the billion-dollar industry bankrupting americans." please welcome jane marie! [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ >> desi: hi! >> i wrote a book! a whole book! >> desi: she wrote a book, yes, you did. and i tore right through it. it is a great read. it is fascinating. >> thank you. it came out today so i haven't heard any feedback. i don't know what anyone thinks of it. >> desi: is that the first feedback you are getting? >> pretty much, yeah. outside of the people that helped me write it. >> michael: it is a great book. >> desi: we will tell you how much we enjoyed it. this world is fascinating. you go deep into the world of mlms. people call them by many different names. mlms -- >> network marketing, direct marketing. direct sales. >> desi: pyramid schemes.

>> i can't call them it. >> desi: you can't? >> i would get sued. >> michael: you can't but right here on the cover. [laughter] >> i got a lot of help with the cover art. >> desi: what exactly is an mlm? >> so a multilevel marketing company is a business that is shaped like this slightly. >> desi: [laughs] but we can't call it a pyramid. >> there's a couple people at the top. then they have the up line, the top sellers, who are supposed to recruit usually five people each. and then they are supposed to recruit five people and they are supposed to recruit five people infinitely. and the way the money flows -- [laughs] is that each person who signs up pays a fee at the beginning to sign up. sometimes they have to pay for products and stuff and then they fail pretty quickly and then more people sign up. so that is where the money comes from. >> desi: isn't it something like 99.9 -- >> 99% make no money or lose money. only 1% make a dollar, even.

>> michael: we laughed when you said infinity, because infinitely, because you can't keep doing that. >> 13 levels and you surpass the population of the earth. [laughter] mathematically impossible. >> desi: totally impossible. >> michael: mlms specifically prey on women, these tupperware parties, the sex toy parties -- >> they are so fun! we get to hang out with our friends -- >> michael: i want to make this about me for a second. why not men? >> why stop now? >> michael: i would love to go to a nose trimmer party. >> there are mlms for you. >> desi: crypto? >> yes. it is crypto or telecom companies, there are lots of dude mlms. but 75% of people involved are women. and it is because the companies go after people who have some sort of economic precarity or trouble moving up the ranks --

here's the thing. there is the pay gap, we are fighting against. if someone called you today and was like, you could make another $1,000 a week, just sitting in your house and talking to your girlfriends and selling makeup. if that was true, i would be doing that. for sure. >> desi: where do i sign? >■> where doi sign? let me do it. we all make less than men. we all take care of the home. we are all homemakers. we take care of the children. we don't have -- pecially at the age, middle-aged, we don't have that kind of movement in the economy that other people get. and it is not just women, because it is now becoming immigrants or people -- anyone who is a population that has a hard time getting really good, solid employment. >> michael: you touched on it a little bit but besides just like you can make $1,000 a week, there are some psychological components that they recruit with.

and to me, that is almost more powerful. tell me a little bit about what they do. >> so the recruitment is just things that appeal to all of us. you can have time and money and freedom and you don't have to have any qualifications and the world is yours. and we have a secret, you know? we have a secret that they don't want you to know. [laughter] so yeah, then they rely on the logical fallacies that we all kind of rely on in our lives. and one of them is honoring sunk costs. when you buy a lemon for a car and you get it worked on and worked on, there comes a point where you have to be like, i can't fix this car. that is what they rely on, they know we are all going to do that. there is a bunch more. like, the idea -- the truth that we feel losses much more than gains. we feel them in our bodies, like, as trauma, and a gain is like, okay, great. but a loss is like... [inhales] so we do everything we can to not realize the loss. to not experience the loss. so we stick with a plan that is

not working for a really long time. >> michael: is there -- can the government regulate this? help us? isn't this what the federal trade commission is supposed to do? >> you would think. >> desi: is there legislation that can be passed to correct this? >> things are being worked on, but i will say, just to give the ftc a bit of a break, their purview is so enormous. they are tiny, first of all. they are the size of the smallest mlm in terms of the people that are there and the money they get to use. they are tiny. and their job is -- especially after the pandemic, their job is false product claims, credit card fraud, you know, phishing, spam, every kind of fraud, your grandma getting taken by someone she's never met over the phone. when you put that up against mlms where the people who signed up are excited about it, it is hard to put that first, although, this is such a bigger

problem than those things in numbers. so they have a tough task, and i don't blame them. they are doing the best they can. >> desi: what can be done? >> michael: the ftc is not stepping in. what can smart american people do? >> buy my book! [laughter and cheering] >> michael: you do need five other people to buy it. [laughter] but for real, what is our defense? >> it really is talking about it. that is the only thing we can do because the government doesn't have the capacity and that is understandable -- i talked to the ftc recently and one of the women i was talking to was like, it is a very target-rich environment right now and i thought she meant -- i was asking her, why don't we go after these companies? "it's a target rich environment." i thought she meant there's too many mlms and no, she was talking about us.

she was like, this is the perfect environment for these companies to come after you. like, we are all desperate. we are all wanting to realize the american dream and believe this is a meritocracy and believe this is a place where you work hard and get rewarded and all of that. [laughter] >> michael: talk about it and be aware it. >> talk about it, tell your friends. they are fine pitching you some garbage hair product or whatever. you should be fine being like, no, this is not cool. i think the tide is turning. >> michael: thank you very much for talking with us. [cheers and applause] "selling the dream" is available now. jane marie. we will take a quick break and we'll be back right after this. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ (vo) welcome to lobsterfest. is your party ready?

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