i know how much you want to watch "wall-e." yes? so i got as a compromise. this movie is called "hardware." it tells the story of a killer combat robot, just like "wall-e," that the government invented to destroy humans. it's some of what you like and some of what i like. and-- marry-- hey, uh, i heard you talking about movies before. and-- anyway, i just watched this over the weekend. i thought you'd really like it. there's a "shrek 2?" oh yeah. see ya tomorrow. nice guy. ooh. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from new york city, the only city in america, it's the show that invented news. this is "the daily show" with your host, al franken! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

>> al: welcome! welcome! thank you! [cheers and applause] welcome! welcome to "the daily show." i'm your host for the week, al franken. [cheers and applause] i'm the ninth guest host so far, and the first white male guest host. feel free to applaud. [cheers and applause] we've got a great show for you tonight. my friend senator lindsey graham is joining me. [applause] yeah. so let's get into the headlines. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] you know, last week, i was thinking, there is not going to be much news when i host.

but oh, boy, it is going to be an exciting week. >> if former president trump is correct, we are on the verge of something unprecedented in american history. a former u.s. president arraigned before a judge facing criminal charges. >> over the weekend, trump claimed he will be arrested tomorrow, indicted by manhattan district attorney alvin bragg, for charges related to hush money payments he made to porn star stormy daniels. the only person saying that donald trump will be arrested tomorrow is donald trump, and trump's own spokesperson says that they have not been notified of any pending arrest. >> over the weekend, the former president spent his time on his social media platform truth social urging his supporters to protest and quote, "take our nation back." >> al: that's right: according to donald trump himself, donald trump may actually be indicted this week! [cheers and applause]

and i've got just one thing to say about that: finally! [cheers and applause] and you know what the best thing about it is? it's happening right here in the greatest city on the planet. new york! [cheers and applause] wow, wow. this is easy. you guys are great! aren't you a great audience? [cheers and applause] aren't you the best? [cheers and applause] god, they love me. and i got to say, who would have ever had thunk

that donald trump would be brought down by a porn star? all of us, right? it was pretty predictable. but yeah, donald trump paid stormy daniels to keep this story quiet, and here we are, still talking about it seven years later. so that would be yet another failed trump business venture. [applause] now if donald trump does get arrested, he will have to go through the normal procedure, the perp walk, the fingerprinting, and the mug shot. and i certainly hope that the booking officer is respectful, and doesn't take advantage of the opportunity to play some stupid joke. "mr. president, this will be

your mug shot, so i'm going to snap the photo on a count of three. okay, mr. president? one... here we go. one... two... hit the wind machine! three!" [cheers and applause] now as you saw, trump asked his supporters to come out and protest. and they're already coming up with some fun ideas. apparently, some trump fans are talking about preventing trump's arrest by forming a so-called "patriot moat" around mar-a-lago. and i have to ask, who are these people who can just leave whatever they're doing to go physically protect donald trump? "nurse, you'll have to find someone else to finish this

brain surgery. the president has summoned me to mar-a-lago to be a human moat for him." of course, many republican officials are also coming to trump's defense. house majority leader kevin mccarthy. lindsay graham, who will be on the show in a little while. and even mike pence appeared on the noose -- sorry, the news. [applause] he appeared on the news to speak up for trump. but one person who was conspicuously quiet all weekend is trump's chief rival for the 2024 election, florida governor ron desantis. and trump world put a lot of pressure on him to rally to trump's defense, so today he finally did in just a bit of a backhanded way.

>> i don't know what goes into paying hush money to a porn star to secure silence over some type of affair. i just -- i can't speak to that. but what i can speak to is that if you have a prosecutor who is ignoring crimes happening every single day in his jurisdiction and he chooses to go back many, many, many years ago to try to use something about porn star hush money payments, that is an example of pursuing a political agenda. >> al: "did i mention this whole thing was about porn star hush money? 'cause it's about porn star hush money. just to be clear. porn star hush money." [applause]

desantis has it all. let's move on to some international news. because donald trump isn't the only leader facing indictment this week. his best friend was also indicted. >> the extraordinary announcement today about russia's leader, vladimir putin. the international criminal court at the hague issued an arrest warrant for the russian president for war crimes, implicating him in the abduction of thousands of ukrainian children during the war. ukraine's president hailed the move as a historic decision, but the charges are largely symbolic. >> over the weekend, putin made an unannounced visit to the city that russia took over during a brutal battle. >> in a surprise visit, president putin drove himself through russian-occupied mariupol saturday, inspecting newly built facilities in what's believed to be his closest tour to the front lines of this war he started. >> al: that's right, charged with war crimes, putin thought it best to get out of town 'til

things cool down. so he packed a bag and took off to mariupol, one of the cities in ukraine that his army destroyed. he walked around, saw the sights, and shook a lot of hands. the hands were in a big pile on the edge of town. putin then laid a wreath at the tomb of the unknown russian soldier who had no idea why the [bleep] he was there." for more on the war, let's go live to ukraine with roy wood jr., everybody! [cheers and applause] roy, where are you at this moment? >> al, i'm near the front lines and it has been nonstop gelling. the conditions are brutal. last week, the russians destroyed the water treatment plant so i had to shit in my helmet and i had to wear the next day. they only give you one helmet.

>> al: you know, i've been thinking a lot about this. i am actually thinking of coming over. >> come over where? come over here? al, all due respect, battlefield reporting is for not for 71-year-old comedians. leave that to me and richard engel from nbc, who, by the way, was the one who told me to poop in my helmet. found out afterwards i could have just shit on the ground. engel is a liar! >> al: roy, maybe i'm not being clear. i don't want to report on the war, i want to fight! >> what? the fighting is the worst part of war! it goes fighting, then small talk with sean penn. why do you want to fight? >> al: roy, i was born too late to fight in world war ii and there was no way i was going to vietnam and

iraq and afghanistan, no thank you. i've been looking for a good war my whole life. so ukraine may just be the cause that i'm willing to risk it all for, even if it means a hero's death. [applause] >> why are they clapping for you in the studio, man? these people trying to get you killed. let me give it to you straight, al. >> al: i know what you're going to say. you are proud of me. but i -- i should first make out a will. >> you don't already have a will? you are 71! jesus. what i was going to say is we don't need thrill seekers over here. >> al: you know what, i take offense at that. i am not a thrillseeking -- i merely want the thrill of standing shoulder to shoulder

with the brave fighting men and women of the ukraine to repel the invaders. god, that would be thrilling. [applause] >> you are going to stand shoulder to shoulder -- al, don't take this the wrong way but physically, you look like the kind of do that if you was on the subway, a pregnant woman would give you her seat. respectfully. respectfully. [cheers and applause] >> al: what's the right way to take that? you don't know anything about me. i could withstand -- [explosion sounds] jesus! whoa! that was close! >> yeah. close to me. al, this is a regular occurrence over here. this is war. >> al: okay, okay. maybe i could do something like just help evacuate the wounded. >> yeah, do you have any medical training? >> al: well, i just had my fourth colonoscopy.

you know, it's important to do that regularly. jesus! >> we could. everybody good? >> al: maybe you have a point, roy. perhaps i can help ukraine buy, you know, i don't know, doing a hard-hitting episode about the war on my podcast. [applause] >> what's wrong with the people of the studio? why are they clapping for you all the time, al? you think you can help the war effort by talking about it for two hours? two hours? >> al: well, not two hours straight. you have to do a lot of ads, to monetize a popular podcast like "the al franken podcast. >> you know what? i changed my mind. bring your ass over here.

i can get you on the front line tomorrow. i got to go run. i got to do something. >> al: fantastic! [cheers and applause] roy wood jr., everyone, i'm on my way! we'll be right back with south carolina senator lindsey graham! [explosion sounds] [cheers and applause]

child-proofing is hard. so we made one thing simple: duracell lithium coin batteries. they're the only ones with a bitter coating to help discourage swallowing. ♪ [ male announcer ] sometimes we all have a strained relationship with our money.

the netspend all-access account can help. it's a mobile bank account that gets you paid up to two days faster with direct deposit, so you can manage your relationship with your money. the netspend all-access account. look at these mighty quaker oats... heart-healthy, a good source of fiber, and for only cents per day... there's no denying quaker oats are the grain of all time. quaker oats. a super-trusted superfood.

take it slow.

slow, slow. mom? wow. wow! and it'll check 'em both for free? yes! fix finder. the most complete, free warning light report backed by technician verified fixes. with downy infusions, the most complete, let the scent set the mood. feel the difference with downy.

a message from fireball. can i leave? this work party ain't working... 'f' it! ♪♪ ♪♪ fireball. ♪ music playing ♪ ♪ ooh ooh ♪ ♪ with your feet on the air ♪ ♪ and your head on the ground ♪ ♪ ♪ try this trick and spin it, yeah (yeah) ♪ [active noise cancellation tone chimes off] juice cart vendor: next up. thank you. enjoy! [city noises] [active noise cancellation tone chimes on] ♪ where is my mind? where is my mind? ♪ [cheers and applause]

>> al: welcome back. welcome back to "the daily show"! my guest tonight is the senior senator from south carolina with whom i served in the united states senate. please welcome senator lindsey graham! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> good to see you. [cheers and applause] >> al: thanks, man. ♪ ♪ well. >> well. >> al: thanks for coming, man. >> this is what happens, right? >> al: i am hopeful we will find some common ground. >> there's always hope. [laughter] >> al: well, we were friends. >> yes, were. >> al: well, there has been a strain on it. we were friends but there has been some strain. >> on your part. >> al: on your politics. yeah.

well, you know. let's find some common ground. for example, ukraine. we both believe that this is in the vital interest -- >> yeah, putin sucks. that is common ground. [cheers and applause] he should be in jail. how about that? maybe not so much on trump but definitely on putin. >> al: yeah, yeah. putin's slightly more serious but there is some serious charges against trump. >> okay. >> al: nevertheless, there are some republicans, and we mentioned ron desantis, the governor, who doesn't agree with you and me. >> well, you know, it is a free country but let me just say this. if this is not in our vital interest, what would be? to have a guy invade another country, rewrites the map of europe by force of arms, does this bring back any memories? sign an agreement, tears it up? and he has got an arrest warrant from the icc, which has done a great job, and they want to

arrest him because he's taken ukrainian children, kidnapped them from their families, and sent them to russia. other than that, this doesn't matter to us. i don't want to live in a world where that crap goes on without punishment. >> al: you seem a little critical of biden for not being there, our tanks not there, the german tanks are getting there. >> anybody's tank, they will send a tank. >> al: but you know, i want to quote some stuff that trump said. this is what he told a guy named sean -- ha-nitty. ha-nitty. [cheers and applause] >> i have no idea who he is. [laughs] >> al: this is what donald trump said. "i could have negotiated. at worst, i could have made a deal to take over something, you know, there are certain areas that are russian-speaking areas,

frankly, but you could have worked a deal." so this is what he is saying, your guy, that you want as president said after the war has started -- where my guy who i want to get reelected had organized the coalition and started and had stood up and said, no, we are not going to allow this to happen. so i think that, yeah -- >> the '24 election is coming but i think we got a chance in the near term, really, with the proper military support, continued economic assistance to the ukraine, for the ukrainians to decimate the russian army in ukraine. they just need the weapons. and wouldn't that be a great outcome to a very tragic event? to have putin lose. >> al: it would be, and you talk to some of the other republican friends on the other side, marjorie taylor greene, i know, you are very close. >> tons of time. [laughter] >> al: but there is --

>> the space laser taken down. we'll see how that works. >> al: yeah, that was a jewish space laser, but she said -- >> i always thought it would be funny to have a laser wear a yarmulke on it just flying around. apparently no one else did. >> al: she has seen it. you know what i think we should do is take a quick break. >> okay, and pay the bills. >> al: and we will be right back with senator lindsey graham, right after an important message from the mypillow guy. [applause]

chipotle's new chicken al pastor is fire on every level. fresh chicken hot off the grill. a rich marinade of seared morita peppers and ground achiote balanced with a splash of pineapple. all combined for the right amount heat. chipotle's all-new chicken al pastor is where fire meets flavor. the seats, gotta go!

♪ what play is that? ♪ when you play here... no backboard! tuck your elbow. ♪ fade away! take it slow. slow, slow. mom? wow. wow! and it'll check 'em both for free? yes! fix finder. the most complete, free warning light report backed by technician verified fixes. (dog barking) we love our pets. but we don't always free love their hair.port which is why we made bounce pet hair and lint guard with three times the pet hair fighting ingredients. just one sheet helps remove pet hair from your clothes! looking good starts in the dryer with bounce pet.

whoa. okay. easy does it. we switched to liberty mutual and saved $652. they customize your car insurance, so you only pay for what you need. with the money we saved, we thought we'd try electric unicycles. whoa! careful, babe! saving was definitely easier. hey babe, i think i got it! it's actually... whooooa! ok, show-off! help! oh! only pay for what you need. ♪ liberty. liberty. liberty. liberty. ♪ ♪♪ -text from: mom. -oh, -good luck on your date. -that's uh- she looks like a keeper. that's embarrassing. does she come from money? hashtag sugar mama. text from: mom. whoa! sfx: [crunch] text from: mom. bride emoji. baby emoji. tostitos® hearty dippers™.

[cheers and applause] >> al: welcome back to "the daily show." we are here with senator lindsey graham. you know, lindsey, you asked me during the break what i am doing and part of what i have been doing is the only former u.s. senator currently on tour tour, and when the audiences ask me who is the funniest senator when i was there and i say lindsey graham, and they always hate it. because they are my crowd. then i tell them, when you were running for president in '16 -- >> y'all remember that? >> al: yeah. you were at, like, 2% at one point. >> yeah, i peaked. >> al: [laughter] so one day, i go in the senate bathroom and i turn to you and i say, lindsey, if i were republican, i would vote for you for president. and you said -- >> that's my problem.

[laughter] >> al: let's talk about -- you said this week that these charges, or this charge in new york might actually help trump. what do you mean by that? >> i think with the republicans it will help trump, because cyrus vance was a previous prosecutor, he looked at this and said, no thank you. the u.s. attorney looked at it and said, no thank you. this guy comes along, alvin bragg, he now will prosecute trump, taking a misdemeanor to a felony by merging two statues that have never been used before, it is in new york and most people on our side think it is a never ending effort to take a wrecking ball to trump. so yeah, i think it will help him. >> al: the number one tradition that is meaningful in this country is the peaceful transition of power. right? [applause]

>> mm-hmm. >> al: how then, can you want a guy who allowed us to go through this violent insurrection -- >> right. >> al: really -- >> to be president again? >> al: yeah. >> well, let me just say this, the other side of the story is that when president trump was president, on the things that i care the most about, national security, i thought he did a damn good job. i look at the policies of trump and i like the policies of trump. at the end of the day, he's got to prove to people -- not me -- that he's able to lead us again and that will be a challenge for him and that will be a challenge for biden to say, give me four more years after the last four. we'll see what happens. >> al: well, i think biden wins that, but we will have to see. >> let's bet. can we bet? >> al: yeah, how much? >> 20 bucks. [cheers and applause] >> but get back to the point, you've got to come to grips with the idea, a lot of americans

believe that trump was a good president but they don't like what he did or what he said. this is going to be a real contest in 2024. it will be a real contest, my friend. >> al: well, i think the florida governor is going to make it a real contest. >> we've got a deep bench on our side. we have a deep bench. >> al: and so do we. i -- [laughter] >> i left him speechless. the highlight of my life. >> al: he's done it, he's done it. i just think this guy is -- i mean, okay, i will say it. i just think he is a pathological liar. [laughter] [cheers and applause] and i don't mean to be harsh, because i know he is your friend. >> well -- >> al: and a malignant narcissist. [applause] and he chose some good people to be in his administration at first, but it seemed like, as those guys went, those men and women went, he brought in worse

and worse people. and i just -- i don't know how the american people are going to reelect this guy. i understand the maga voters -- are still loyal. >> it's not just maga voters. don't take this wrong. he can survive your criticism. [laughs] he's going to be -- "al franken is down on trump" is not the end of trump. listen, i know you think trump is horrible for the country and a lot of people believe that he can fix the problems we are suffering under now. but here's the good news. we will have an election and they will decide. >> al: that is the way it is supposed to work! [cheers and applause] lindsey graham, everybody! [cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause] >> al: well, that's our show for tonight but before we go: please consider supporting this nonprofit that provides humanitarian aid to ukrainian refugees, mostly women, children, and the elderly. this helps the soldiers fighting the war, not only that their families are safe and well taken

care of, so please, if you can come adorning it at the link below. [applause] thank you. now here it is. your "moment of zen." >> mayor rudy giuliani, always amazing to see you, love you, sorry. i am just so honored, as always, to interview you, sir. you were, you know, a prosecutor. what would you have done if someone said, here is the case, prosecute this? >> well, here's what i would have done. i would have told them to go to hell. >> look like we are having some audio issues there. car names are so stupid, aren't they? no baron has ever owned a lebaron. or the ford ltd. ltd. limited. it's a limited edition. what do they make, 50 million of those? yes, it's limited to the number we can sell.