couch in new york city to your couch somewhere in the world, this is "the daily social distancing show," with trevor noah. >> trevor: let's kick things off with the census. it's how the u.s. government says "everyone in the country make some nooiiise." every ten years, the census determines how many people are in the country, and then how many congressional seats each state gets, and which city gets a "real housewives." and now, the 2020 numbers are out. >> the u.s. census reports over the last decade, the population grew at the slowest rate since the 1930s. this was driven by a leveling off of immigration and a declining birthrate in the country. >> and because of population shifts, texas will pick up two seats in congress. florida, north carolina, montana, colorado, and oregon will each get one more. and for the first time, california is losing one seat,

as are illinois, michigan, ohio, pennsylvania, west virginia, and new york, which-- get this-- was just 89 people short of keeping all of its seats. >> trevor: aaahh! this is unbelievable. you'retalg me if just 89 more new yorkers had filled out their census, the state wouldn't have lost a house see the? 89. i mean, that's basically nothing. you know what this remind me of, that kid at the carnival who realizes if only he'd worn two pairs of socks, he would have been tall enough to get on the ride. but he didn't. so then he gets mad, so he cuts the power to the ferris wheel. but that backfires, because his crush is up there and she gets scared and that just kriefs her into timothy's arms. whatever-- i'm taller than him now. so this is really unfortunate for new york state, because it means that one of its congressional districts disappears, and that means whoever represented that

district in congress becomes a ronin, forced to travel the countryside looking for a new district to represent. ( japanese villager ) watashi-tachi no mura o dete, jerry nadler! now, aside from new york getting screwed, the big news out of the census is that america's population grew at the slowest rate since the 1930s. basically, immigration is down and the birthrate is falling, primarily due to this photo. and i don't know what exactly that says, but i do know that the 1930s sucked for america. i mean, there was the great depression, the dust bowl, everything was black and white, and if you wanted somewhere to sit, you needed to climb a half-built skyscraper. it was a shitty time to be alive. moving on to news about the news. if you watch cnn, first of all, congratulations on being basic. and, second, you may have seen a political pundit named rick santorum, former republican senator and what you get if you sucked the handsome out of mitt romney. he's known for his reliably conservative opinions on the big

issues of the day, but now one of his lesser-known opinions about american history has slipped out. >> rick santorum, since losing his pennsylvania senate seat to bob casey years ago, santorum has found one-off cable stardom. known for his views on native americans, until today, when this surfaced, a portion of his remarks to the young americas foundation. >> we came here and created a blank slate. we birthed a nation from nothing. i mean, there was nothing here. i mean, yes, we have native americans but, candidly, that-- there isn't much native american culture in american culture. it-- it was born of the people who came here pursuing religious liberty to practice their faith. >> trevor: 93, guys, i hate to admit it, but rick santorum is

right. from tallahassee to the mojave desert, from chappaqua to chattanooga, there's no trace of native american culture anywhere in america. i mean, if anything, native americans should be grateful, because before santorum's forefatherrers got here, what did they have? they had nothing. they didn't have smallpox, they didn't have drug addiction, their lives sucked. how can you say this? oh, no, there was nothing before-- you know who santorum is like? he's like the guy who shows up to the party late going, "oh, yeah, let's get this party started." no, my man, the party was going on for a few thousand years long before you got here with your whack-ass moves. there probably would have been more native american culture if their land hadn't been taken for pizza huts. as you know, coronavirus has been with us for over a year

now. it has changed everything about our lives. we've lost jobs, we spend all day long on zoom, we've forgotten how to interact with people-- i don't even remember how to shake hands. like, do i grab the other person's hand, or do i just shake mine in front of their face? this is it, right? no? for a long time we've been sitting in our homes and washing our face masks, waiting for the day when things start to get back to normal. well, my friend, it looks like that day may finally be here. >> tonight the c.d.c.'s about-face changes daily life for all americans, especially those fully vaccinated, releasing this new chart updating guidelines on face masks outdoors. the agency now says, whether you're vaccinated or not, it's safe to walk down the street, go for awe run or a bike ride, without a face covering. you also won't need one to attend a small outdoor gathering, like a barbecue, if everyone else is vaccinated. for those who are fully vaccinated, the new outdoor

guidelines extend further, the c.d.c. also saying it's safe to gathering outside in a small group whether others are vaccinated or not. >> the bottom line is clear: if you're vaccinated, you can do more things. so for those who haven't gotten their vaccination yet, this is another great reason to go get vaccinated now, now. >> trevor: yes!! yes! yes! thank you! yes! this is so great! the c.d.c. is saying that you can walk and run outside without a mask now, even if you're not vaccinated! oh, hallelujah! guys, i'm so happy, because we don't have to give each other dirty looks walking past each other on the street because of wearing or not wearing masks. now we can go back to the good old days of giving each other dirty looks for sexism, ableism,

homophobia, and those who we're adidas pants with suits. we never needed masks. wwe knew how to hate each other. now, according to the c.d.c. charts, if you're vaccinated, you can go eat outdoors now without a mask on, as opposed to before when you had to wear a mask while you were eating. that was such a disaster. but, man, i lost a ton of wait. for real, people, " i'm just so happy we can start taking off our masks more, because everybody wants to take off their masks. nobody likes wearing these things. even scorpion, in the new "mortal kombat," movie even scorpion desperately wants to take off his mask. >> trevor: i don't know why he got that metal face mask. those things are so hard on your

washing machine. i'm excited life is slowly getting back to normal. but what doesn't excite me, is the messaging from the c.d.c. in fact, it's made me so mad, the only way i can express myself is in a a viral rant. okay, now, look, people, i know science is difficult and this is a novel virus and all of that, but who is running messaging at the c.d.c.? first they said masks make us less safe. don't wear a mask. then they said masks make us more safe. and now, according to this new chart, masks can make you not safe again? in fact, this whole chart is trash. yeah, i said it. for starters, this guy is in the least-safe category, but he's wearing a mask. if it's not safe, even with a mask on, then don't have a guy there. just have an "x," or something that signifies danger like a skull or crossbones or picture

of r. kelly. and the whole thing is too interpreted. reds, yellows, greens, indoor-outdoor, partially indoor, partially outdoor, partially vaccinated, vaccinated. you don't see the forest people putting out charts, no fires, unless you have stone pits or you watch the weather and you know a rainstorm is coming in a few minutes. no, they say no fires or this bear is going to eat your ( bleep ) family. who designed this chart? the same people who designed those parking signs in l.a.? and the really frustrating thing about this chart, is they spent months, they spent five months telling us to get vaccinated. "get vaccinated and this will be over. get vaccinated." and i was like, great, i'll get all the four vaccines if it means i get my life back. now they're putting out a chart saying even if you get evacuated you can only two two more things if you get vaccinated, two? what the hell? the shit you're saying to people is incoherent. you're telling us the vaccines are 95% effective and will stop coronavirus, but we still can't do anything without a mask on

anyway? which is it? is it one of the most effective vaccines in the history world or does it not work? it's not clear messaging, especially if you're desperately trying to convince people to get the vaccine. you can imagine if every time you ordered an uberis said, "your uber is coming, but maybe also get a lyft, just in case?" i already know that maybe the uber could get in an accident on the way over, but if the app keeps telling me that, i'm going to stop ordering ubers. and, yes, i know the c.d.c. is just trying to cover all the bases, because maybe there is a tiny chance you can get corona, even if you are vaccinated. but if that messaging ends up convincing people that there is not much of a reason to get vaccinated at all, then we are shooting ourselves in the foot, which is not something we should do. or, as the c.d.c. would put it, "masked guy in an indoor red zone." all right, when we come back, dulce sloan takes a look at the women who made rap history. you don't want to miss it.

riding a bike should be a really fun experience. we make low maintenance bicycles, for everyday riders. we were coming off a great year, and when the pandemic hit, it just stopped. we really had to think creatively. teams allowed us to do what we call virtual visits. hey, is that tk? hi, how are you? we're able to see two or three-fold the amount of customers from all over the world. without teams there's no way this would have been possible. i really think it's going to set a standard for retail moving forward. watch this, he'll think we're vip. wow, he does think we're vip. and backstage! trust me now? i never doubted you. i did for a second, but that's gone now, i trust you. the all-new sienna. toyota. let's go places.

(vo) ideas exist inside you, electrify you. the all-new sienna. they grow from our imagination,

but they can't be held back. they want to be set free. to make the world more responsible, and even more incredible. ideas start the future, just like that. ♪ (ac/dc: back in black) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ back in black ♪ ♪ i hit the sack ♪ ♪ i've been too long... ♪ applebee's irresist-a-bowls are back. dig in for just $8.99. now that's eatin' good in the neighborhood.

daily social distancing show." when dulce sloan has something to say, we let her say it, in another episode of "dulsayin.'" ♪ ♪ ♪ >> hip hop, it's how we know what bottles to pop and what luxury items we can't afford. and we've been living in a golden era of female rappers with legends like missy elliot, lil kim and lauryn hill. not to mention meghan the stallion and cardi "b," dancing with a certain african who misplaced by ticket to the agreements. do you know female rappers have been huge in every rerra, ever era, every, every, rerra. rap history is full of woman who have largely been forgotten, like sylvia robinson, the woman who helped create hip hop. sylvia was a singer, record producer, label executive, and the first person to rock the

ferrell hat. she took rap from little-known basement parties in the bronx to worldwide commercial success in 1979 by conceiving and producing rap's first hit record, "rapper's delight." not only was it the first rap single to conquer the chartses, it also sold over a million copies. that's right. it went platinum. and back then, we didn't even know what that was. they had to whip out a periodic table. and women were all over hip hop early era, like sharon green. she got her start in the south bronx rapping at parties. which was tough. not just because no one had heard a woman rapping before, but also because the dude at the party was an acoustic guitar is going to be pissed. we hate that guy. in 1979, m.c. charoque's group, the funky 4 plus one became the first rap group to sign with a record label making her the first female rapper to record a song. not only that, their performance on "saturday night live" was

also the first-ever national tv pern by any rappers. and rapping in a group is great for a female m.c., because when the man repeats what you just said but slightly louder. he's not being sexist. he's being a good hype man. >> being a good hype man! >> see, women weren't just part of rap first, they also invented the rap beat. >> the rap beat! >> okay, that's enough. the first-ever official rap beat was known as the rock band wars, which centered around lolita chanta good. she got her start battling m.c.s at just 14 years old, like a cross between 8 mile and dora the explorer. the beat started in 1984 when the group u.t.f.o. released "roxan roxan, about a woman who spurned romantic venezuela. while chauntee was walking to the laundromat, her núighbor and record producer, asked her to rhyme over a beat so she recorded a track called roxan's

revenge, where she roasted every member of u.t.f.o. the track was a monster hit selling 250,000 copies in new york city alone. u.t.f.o. was so stung from getting dissed by a teenaged girl, they decided to fire back at chauntee with an answer track called "the real roxan," which i understand. you're supposed to be tough, but a kid dismantled you? and she did it in between errand. her to-do lis was groceries, laundry, destroy a group of grown men and walk the dog." from there, the roxan wars ignite because other artists joined in. when it was all done, some 87 "roxan qats tracks had been released. instead of the battle field being covered in blood it was covered in grown men's history. and we can't talk about women in hip hop without the social

conscienceness in rap. take m.c. light. her first song, at the age of 16, was about the prevalence of drugs in her neighborhood and,000 ruined her love life. and i can relate. at 16 my love life was ruined by brandon, lying about what kind of bike he was picking me up on. i thought he had a harley. turns out he he had a huffy. that brings us to our hip hop pioneer, queen latifah. to some she's from "living single" to others momma mort none chicago. she's without a doubt one of the most unforgettable hip hop artists in rap history. remember, hip hop is a lot like your uncle: fun, a little dangerous, and vbly misogynistic. but queen latifah burst on to the rap scene with a pro-woman message. her song "lady first if it is uplifted women and name checked other female m.c.s.

she was shouting out more women than "mom bow number 5." in 1993, her song "uand i.t.y." called out men in hip hop for referring to women as bitches and hos. >> bitches and hos! that's my bad. i got caught up. i'm going to just leave. >> queen latifah had 99 problems and the word "bitch" was all 99. that "women in power" anthem became a hit and led to queen latifah woman winning the first rap solo at the agreements. the next time you think about hip hop icon, remember the young shorties, the bad honeys, and the all-stars. now, if you'll excuse me, i need to rord my own response to "oxan." it's called "dan" give me back y man." >> trevor: thank you so much dulce. when we back, we will be talking

to the founder of the #metoo to the founder of the #metoo movement about a brand new ♪♪ oooh, that's a low price. ♪♪ ooh, that's a low price. huh. that is a low price. what's a low price? ahh, that's a low price. can you let me shop? hmm, that's a low price. i can get you a new one tomorrow. at amazon, anytime ♪ who can take a sunrise ♪ ♪ sprinkle it with dew ♪ ♪ cover it in choclate and a miracle or two ♪

♪ the candy man ♪ ♪ ♪ 'cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good ♪ ♪ 'cause the candy man thinks it should ♪ i hope this doesn't take too long, i'm double parked. next. oh, it's an arm one?! your cousin. from boston. ♪ we're back baby! sam's on me! indoor beers! indoor beers! did i get the shot? nope. you saw the needle and passed out cold. here you go. continue to wear a mask. next. good luck guys! it's a breeze.

hey, are you ready yet? ♪♪ ♪ ain't really tryna go there again ♪ ♪ it's real hard when you're in it ♪ ♪ but i guess in the end it's all good, baby ♪ ♪ just think i need to loosen up it's all good, baby ♪

if you vape nicotine, you could be inhaling toxic metals like nickel, chromium, and lead that can damage your lungs. t-mobile is america's largest and fastest 5g network. and now, we're america's most reliable 5g network. to celebrate, everyone can upgrade their experience with the free 5g upgrade. trade in any working cell phone for a free 5g samsung galaxy. and at t-mobile, when you switch, get unlimited 5g for the same price as a limited plan with the other guys. the free 5g upgrade. unlimited 5g and a free 5g phone. only at t-mobile. i wonder what ruffles would be like without ridges. it would be like t-pain without auto-tune. ♪baby yeah, oomph!♪

how's that? did we get it? perfect. it's kinda like uh... like a coach without the will to win. uh, everyone just run around and then uh, somebody just shoot. maybe on three? [together] maybe. or like you without your... my basketball skills? your basketball skills. ruffles. own your ridges. what else would it be... nothing else. [crunch]

my guests tonight are tarana burke and dr. brene brown. they're here to talk about their new collection of essays about entitled "you are the best thing." it's about the black experience, vulnerable, and the shame experience. tarana burke, dr. berne brown, welcomes to "the daily social distancing show." >> thank you, thank you for having us. >> trevor: it is very seldom that i have two guests simultaneously on the show. it is also very rare i have two guests i hold in such high regard at the same time on the show. tarana burke, many people are familiar with you as the founder of the #metoo movement, and "time" person of the year. dr. berne brown, many people are familiar with your work through your podcasts our one of your five night. bestsaleers where you talk about everything trauma related, and

thank you both for joining me on the show because you have come here with a really interesting project where you have worth together to compile an anthology, a collection of essays that gives us insight into trauma and how it affects people throughout their lives, especially back people in the living day. can i just say congratulations on proving something-- having a born and bred new yorker working with a proud texan. i didn't know that was possible, ladies. >> that was the biggest hurdle of them all! >> trevor: so, talk me through this. how did this even come to be? how do you begin a journey where you say we're going to get trkt combine our shared experiences with people, and create a book that is going to help people to deal with the traumas that they might not even know they've had to deal with in their life? >> vulnerability, right?

i had to be vulnerable enough to reach out to benay, who i call a friend, and during a tough time last summer, when we were dealing with george floyd, and breonna taylor and all the uprisings, and i kept feeling a way about the fact black people kept being called on for their expertise and teach us how to be antiracist and teach us how to be different. but nobody was creating spaces to respond to what was happening, to go through the cycles of the kind of trauma brings to you. and it felt like we needed a soft place to land. we need a place to have-- to talk about how we were affected by it. >> trevor: on your side, dr. brown, you come from this world where you have spent so many years researching the human condition, you know, how we react to things that have happened to us our entire lives, how we respond to that, how we change, how we react to other people. on your side, as a doctor, what

is trauma? i think of trauma as a truck bumping or going to war or something. when you say everyone has trauma or might have trauma, what does that actually mean? >> i think it's a really important premise for this book because i really study mostly vulnerability, shame, and courage. and so one of the things that i've learned is that the greatest casualty of trauma is the willingness or ability to be vulnerable. and so, when i work with that-- so i work with other folks allowed to be vulnerable, of course i can't take the armor off because i've seen this and i've done this. what people don't realize is white supremacy is trauma. systemic poverty is trauma. so what we end up doing is end up saying, "hey, you need to be more vulnerable. you need to take the armor off." but p.s., you're not safe doing that. >> right. >> and so that means-- so when we say to people, especially people who have to deal with racism every day, "be

vulnerable," it's not the same ask as when someone says to me, "take the armor off. you're self protecting." my life is not on the line. maybe my ego. but my life is not on the line. so ttarana said let's tig in right there. >> trevor: tarana, what i have loved about your work is the specificity of people having through. like #metoo what, are woman going through at this time? it's no different in this book. you have gone into the specificity of what black people are experiencing. what i have found in life, oftentimes, when you go into the specificity, ironically, it starts to connect with more people generally. i would love to (your side, tarana, have you found things that black people are going through this, but, wait, some white people don't realize they've been affected by this thing? and some people from other communities have been affected

by this thing. have you found that happening? >> absolutely. one of the things i said about this book is we could do this exact book for different communities. we could have a book about shame, vulnerability, and the queer experience. this is, at the end of the day, about our humanity. and when you are just connecting to the pockets of our humanity, you understand it really is a universal story. there's nuance to it. the way i show up in the world is deeply affected by the systems that are in place to make me feel less than and not worthy to make my life be in danger. so i have a different story to tell. but we're-- white supremacy affects everybody, not just black people, right. racism affects everybody. and so it is-- including the perpetuators of it, you know. so this is really about the expansion and people really... being more invested in black humanity. we talk-- brenay and i talked

about this, and i mentioned in the book, i think antiracism work is important, but i think there are steps to take before we get to that. and i don't at the present time to be reduced to a checklist, people saying, "i read this book and heard this podcast and follow people on social media so i get it. i'm antiracist." but you haven't engaged with black humanity. i heard someone say it's not transactional, it's-- that's such an important thing to understand when engaging with this book. this is not just a book to read because you feel bad about breonna taylor. >> trevor: right, right, right. >> because of who you are as a human being and how you want to show up in the world in relation to other human beings and seeing black in our wholeness. i honestly feel like the first reader, the first-- this is an offering to black people first because we also need to see our humanity. you know, like engage in our own

humanity and see it appreciated and find spaces to be expansive in that. i want us to read it and appreciate this as an offering first. >> trevor: when i look at the list of names who have contributed to this series of essays, it's a wide tapistry of people who have been connected through maybe the color of their skin, but their experiences go far and broad beyond that. for instance, laverne cox, austin channing tatum, jason reynolds. and then your own child, who shares stories. and i think that's what really touched me is in reading some of these stories is how vulnerable-- how vulnerable and shargt people are. it's terrifying. it is really scary to share some of these stories because, "a," you go, "am i sharing too much?" "b," you go, "what is the purpose of me doing this?" and then, "c," i often think it must be hard to realize some of these things as you are putting

them into words. brene, on your side, i guess it's a two-part question. number one, how do we live in a world where we become more aware of this and say, "i'm going to give you the space to try to talk about these things," and make it a safer place to be in. secondly, how can we as people try to identify those shortcomings that we have? >> yeah, i just remembered this crazy moment when we started getting the essays in. i called tarana, and i said, have you read any?" she said, "i read 10." and i said, what, did you learn?" she said, "i learned a lot about blackness they didn't know." and i said, "i learned a lot about my mother, about my relationship with my family that i didn't know." here's the thing, we share stories with people who have earned the right to hear them. and we share them in space-- you know, just because vulnerability feels like a privilege right

now, doesn't mean-- i mean, there are really extreme consequences. data are very clear that vulnerability is extricable connected to intimacy, trust, love, belonging, courage. so i think the commitment is how do we create workplaces and schools and communities where armor is neither required nor rewarded. >> trevor: right. that's the question. i think for white folks the question i have all the time when you see something that is blatant dehumanization, what story do you have to tell yourself to be okay with that? what story are you making up, whether it's, know-- we'll go back, i've done work with some of the parents from sandy hook. whether it's sandy hook or george floyd, or ma'khia bryant, what story do you have to say to

yourself to release yourself from any ownership or be okay with what's happening?" >> trevor: wow. >> that always takes me out to-- we all should ask ourselves that question. >> it's a narrative, you know. what is it? >> trevor: when people are going to be reading these stories, some will read it as a "them" story. some will read it as a, "oh, information story." but some might go, "what do you want me to take from it?" tarana, do you have an idea what you would like people to have absorbed once they finish reading other people's stories? >> i think it goes back to the question of humanity. i think that it is a way for us to be more connected, but also, i think to see black people not as a monolith-- we say that all the time, black people aren't a monolith. you have lots of data here that shows you that that's true, that we are fully human. and we are-- to your point about wanting people to understand the nuance and the depth of the

experience of these various things. i think that's what the book does. and i think that's the offering. we can talk about white supremacy all we want, and we hear that word and people either repel or they get it, but when you understand that somebody is really fearful for their three-year-old child because of white supremacy, or fearful about how we show up-- you know, the way it's going to affect us in the world because of white supremacy, it's very different than just hearing it seeing a meme on the internet. and i want people to really connect and engage with the stories and understand-- and put that in the context of all the things you have been learning about antiracist this, or whatever, white supremacy-- all the stuff that's been coming up-- intersectionality-- i think it really personifies those things. and i want people to see that. >> trevor: yeah, i love that. i mean, if we end on that note, i think for me, sometimes the conversations we have can be very academic in how we talk about some of these things. but what i enjoyed about these stories is it's stories. every human being understands a

story. even if you don't have some of the fancy academic terms-- which i often don't have-- to express them, i think we all know how to be human beings. and when a human being is being a human being, it reminds us we are, too. thank you both for joining me. tarana burke, always a pleasure. dr. berne brown, a pleasure meeting you. good luck with the book and hope i see you again. >> thank you. "you are your best thing" is availablet.

but before we go: please consider supporting an organization called "one tree planted." they're a non-profit charity focused on global reforestation. just last year, they planted over 10 million trees worldwide to create a healthier climate and protect biodiversity around the globe. so if you want to help them restore forests, create jobs, and build communities, please go to the link below and inspect any way you can. until tomorrow, stay safe out there, get your vaccine, and remember: if you happen to find a congressional seat, please return it to the state of new york. now here it is, your moment of zen. >> live television, gang.

( laughter ) that's live tv for you. >> excuse me, my kids are here. live television. >> good luck! ( bleep ). >> let's get over to adam in the weather system. it is one of those days where you want to eat guac and chips. >> yes, today would be a nice day to eat outside but i might want a wind screen-- whoa, whoa, whoa! what is going on? ( laughter ) never seen that before. never! wow! captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪

- ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ - [laughs menacingly] now i will kill the president and kill salma hayek. [high-pitched] oh, save me! who will save me? [normal voice] i will! james west, cowboy and rap star. quick, artemus cloud frog, we've got to save salma hayek. if we save her, i'm going to take off her pants and play "slip and slide". are you okay, salma hayek? yes, but i need to get out of here. i need some tacos and burritos. me gusto tacos mucho! you cannot stop me, james west! look out, artemus cloud frog! it's giant metal spider! bang! bang-bang! ♪ yo, yo, yo, jiggy, jiggy ♪ ♪ with a bang, bang, bang! ♪ [toy squeaks] we saved the day! ♪ the wild, wild, west, the wild, wild, wild west ♪ ♪ yo, wicky, wicky, scratch, wicky, wicky, scratch ♪ - eric. the baby-sitter's here. come on downstairs. - but, mom, i'm playing wild, wild west! - i have to leave soon, eric. - but, mom, me and artemus cloud frog

still have to do our love scene with salma hayek! - come down as soon as you're done. - ♪ well, i'm a bad-ass cowboy living in the cowboy days ♪ ♪ wicky, wicky scratch, yo, yo, bang, bang ♪ ♪ me and artemus cloud frog go save salma hayek ♪ ♪ from the big metal spider ♪ ♪ wicky, wicky wick, wicky, wicky wick ♪ ♪ fresh cowboy from the west side ♪ - thank you so much for babysitting little eric, shelly. - okay. - all his other babysitters won't come back. - i charge $5 for the first hour, 5% bumps every hour after that up to six hours, which enters into golden time. - oh, that sounds fine. - i'm going to a meteor shower party. the number where i'll be is on the refrigerator. eric's snooky time is 9:00 sharp. if his little wugums get cold, you can turn up the heat over here, and if he gets cranky, just play tummy rub-rubs with him and make sure he wipes good after he makes bears. - bears? - oh, and don't mind the cat. she's just being loud because she's in heat. [cat yowls] - no, kitty, i don't have anything! [yowling]

what the hell is wrong with you? stop it, kitty! [yowling] stop kitty! that's a bad, goddamn kitty! - okay, muffin, mommy's leaving now. you do what the babysitter tells you, okay? - uh-huh. - be good. - right. - come give mommy eskimo kisses. - aw, ma! - eskimo kisses for mommy. - jesus christ. - bye, kids! [door opens and closes] - well, go put that pizza in the oven, bitch. i'm hungry! ow! - all right, turd, listen up! now that your mom is gone, i'm in charge. i don't know how you treat your other babysitters, but when i'm babysitting, you're nothing but a little turd. you're a stinky, dried-up, stupid turd! got it? - you can't hit me. didn't you see those nanny videos on tv? - my boyfriend is coming over, so you go to the kitchen, and you us make that pizza before i snap you in half like the little turd stick you are. - you're not allowed to have people over. - move! - this is bullcrap!

[grunts] i can't reach the freezer! - figure it out, turd! - god damn it. [cat yowling] shut up, kitty! "any problems, contact eric's mommy at 303"-- aha! i'm gonna call mom and tell her that the babysitter's having her boyfriend come over. then we'll see who's the turd. - and so i said, "you're a little turd," and he-- - damn it! [cat yowling] - but if you've seen one turd, you've seen them all. [cat yowling] stupid turd. - hey, i need to use the phone! - oh, hold on a second, gary. [ripping, yelling] i pulled his underwear over his head. - i'm gonna get her, kitty. mark my words. [cat yowling] shut the hell up, kitty! - and now, back to the movie of the week: aliens.