put on your little flat party hats. then ken burns is here to talk about his new documentary "prohibition." in his honor, i will interview him hammered. amazon unveiled its new ipad competitor, the kindle fire. i'm going to use mine to order the new iphone. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheering and applause] >> stephen: thank you very much. you're very kind. [audience chanting "stephen"] thank you very much, you especially.

thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you. welcome to "the report." good to have you with us. thank you so much. thank you so much. thank you. please, please. folks, folks, you know what, if i were here, i'm sure i would do the same thing. and, folks, everybody out there in not-on-tv land, it must seem to you as though all us celebrities know each other. i bet you think somewhere jerry seinfeld is hanging out having cocktails with taylor lautner and magic johnson. kate winslet is whale hunting with tom hanks. i'm here to tell you, folks, it's all true. as a famous person, i know all other famous people, except for one, george clooney. folks, i have often fantasized

about getting invited to clooney's palazzo in italy, getting drunk and going skinny dipping in lake lake como. well, last night on conan, i found out another famous tv host has ripped off my journal. listen to marisa tomei describe a typical evening at lake clooney. >> evan rachel wood and cindy crawford and charlie rose, we wound up all skinny dipping. >> stephen: what? seriously. clooney, you invited charlie i'm too boring to compete with a background rose to go skinny dipping at your villa and not me? how could you? it could have been my body glistening in the italian moonlight. why am i even doing crunches. and the story gets worse, folks. friend of the show and cnn senior political analyst david gergen also was invited to

clooney's palazzo. he writes in "parade" magazine, and i quote, "by 2:00 a.m. or so when i was hammered, out of nowhere clooney starts climbing a fence that overlooks the lake below and jumped. within seconds he was challenging our masculinity. hell, i thought, i have an early morning plane and i don't want wet clothes, so what choice did i have? i stripped down. one, two, i was in the water by three. what the hell is going on? david here gets to go to lake como and dip his gergen and not me? i get it, george, you're a middle-age pundit chaser. well i'm 47. challenge my masculinity. i will drop trou and scramble over any fence. there doesn't even have to be any water. there i could be at the airport in half an hour. i won't even wear a belt. just call me. right now the only invitation

i'm getting is for another loofah at o'reilly's and i'm the only person who ever shows up. nation, regular viewers know that last night i defended texas governor rick perry for last weekend's tongue-tied debate performance. but in reviewing the footage, folks, i have to admit, he did make one major gaffe. one talks about college tuition subsidies for children of illegal immigrants. >> if you say that we should not educate children who come into our state for no other reason than they've been brought there by no fault of their own, i don't think you have a heart. >> stephen: boo. boo to you, sir. that's not... that does not play well with the base. jim? >> rick perry made a big mistake on the issue of immigration. >> conservatives got mad at him. >> conservatives are offended when you suggest they don't have a heart. >> stephen: yes, because conservatives and liberals, all americans have hearts.

there's just no room in there for immigrants because the ventricles are filled with nacho cheese. [laughter] but folks, there are ten million illegals in this country. we are way too soft when it comes to apprehending them. case in point, when i handcuff a suspected illegal, i'm the one that gets kicked out of an emmy after-party? my apologies to sophia vergara. now, luckily i'm gracious about it. luckily some people are supporting their sympathy and getting tough on immigrants, and it's the subject of tonight's word. labor pains. folks, if america is going to solve our illegal immigration problems, we need to look inside ourselves with an emotional melon baller and scoop out any vestige ofçó humankindness. especially when it comes to

pregnant illegals. they're the most devious kind because they sneak across our border with another immigrant hiding inside them. for allçó we know, there's anotr one hiding inside the baby. now these women... these women know that the second they drop their anchor baby on u.s. soil the illegal resource-sucking parasite inside them that's been stealing jobs from american embryos is instantly transformed into the greatest, bestest, freest baby in the world. you are so cute. yes, you are. who deserves a free education? you do. you do. you see, i love this baby because he is an american. but if that baby were born in mexico, hey, speak-a da englais, goo-goo, ga-ga. now luckily some states have

found a great way to discourage these women from coming here and squatting out a freedom fetus. recently in arizona and tennessee, three pregnant women were arrested for not having proper identification and forced to give birth shackled to their hospital beds without their husbands in the presence of prison guards. so a quick tip for the olive skinned ladies when they're at ten centimeters and fully effaced, you're going to want to find your drivers license. unfortunately when confronted with a woman in labor, some law enforcement lax the authority to slap them in four-point restraints because sadly this is legal in only 36 states. folks, i say this is dangerous. we have to manacle these mamasitas down. i mean, even american women in labor are dangerous. they have super strength and they get mean as a snake.

my wife turned into a wolf-headed she-creature. but i say... i say chaining down, chaining down these women in labor is not far enough. she's already shackled to a hospital bed, why don't we just roll it down to the southern border, cut a hole in the wall and let her pop that baby out into mexico. that way it's not an american citizen and i don't have to treat it with human decency. [laughter] but, and this is important, this is important, attending physicians please be careful when delivering the infant. don't cut the umbilical cord. now that it's officially mexican, we're going to reel that baby back into america. you see, we're going... we're going to need it. [audience reacts] we're going the need that baby for cheap, unregulated labor. those small soft hands are perfect for harvesting

clementines. [laughter] we do not want to end up with bruised fruit. that would be heartless. and that's "the word." we'll be right back. [ male announcer ] a batman: arkham city bundle,

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[horn sounding] >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. folks, please. it's not the first time i've said it. but nothing beats the sound of a ram horn. oh, and that new ram smell. of course, i am playing the shofar tonight to mark the beginning of the jewish new year, known as rosh hashanah, which kicks off the week of repentance. for my jewish friends it is a time of solemn reflection, atoning for your since or just taking the day off because you can. and to help with the repenting process, once again tonight i am opening up my yearly atone-phone hot line. [cheering and applause]

folks, if you are one of the chosen people and you have chosen to wrong me during the year 5771, call before yom kippur next saturday and ask my forgiveness. just dial 1-888-oops-jew that's 1-888-oops-jew. now, this is the sixth year i've offered 1-888-oops-jew, and the economy being what it is, once again i've had to defray some of the costs by sharing the number with other businesses whose names can be spelled out with the same numbers. call this number and press 2 for oops jew. if you press one, you'll get moss key. if you press 3, you'll get peat

and sod distributer, and if you press four, you'll get discount movie theater cineplex at 1-888-mo's-plex. this year we've been forced to add yet another business, so fewo press 5, you will get 1-888-nors-lez, a sex chat line featuring lesbians of nordic decent. you will not believe, folks, you will not believe the nasty things they do with lutefisk. let's take a listen. >> thank you for calling 1-888-nors-lez. it's such a cold night on the fjord. my body shivers and i wish my girlfriend were here to keep me warm with cuddling. [doorbell rings] that must be her at the door. yes, now my mouth is watering

because i can see through the window. she brings with her a bucket of herring. >> stephen: wow. i don't know about you, but i'm supporting some norwegian wood. [cheering and applause] isn't it good? isn't it good, norwegian wood? once again if you would like to atone for your sin, that number again is 1-888-oops-jew. [phone ringing] wow. the calls have started already. shalom. how have you wronged me? >> hello. this is john lythgoe. >> stephen: john lithgow. well, john, john, this is stephen colbert. >> oh, hi, stephen. >> stephen: john, i didn't

know you were jewish. >> i'm not. i'm calling for the nordic lesbians. >> stephen: i didn't know you were into that. >> i am not "into that." i'm simply doing character research. >> stephen: for what? >> for a... a... an ibsen play. it's a modern erotic interpretation of hedda gabler, a college freshman who with her university sisters at the university of oslo is pushing the boundaries of human sexual depravity. >> >> stephen: oh, really? and what part do you play? >> i don't care. >> stephen: i'm sorry, john. this is oops jew. you're going to want the push five for nors lez. >> good-bye. >> stephen: john thgow, everybody. so chosen people who have wronged me, the kneidelach is in

your court. call in and ensure yourself a guilt free 5772, we'll be right back. [ male announcer ] a batman: arkham city bundle, some slim jim monster sticks, and...a steel cable. [ cellphone rings ] hello? did you get batman: arkham city yet? yeah, i'm so more batman than you. not true. you won't believe where i'm about to zip-line into. no, i won't believe it. ahhhhh... [ thud ] did you try to zip-line into my apartment? [ crickets chirping ] why? [ male announcer ] rated t for teen. get batman: arkham city at 12:01 a.m. october 18th with a bonus copy of batman: arkham asylum only at walmart. the fastest way to play.

everybody. my guest tonight has a new three-part documentary about prohibition. instead of interviewing him, we will pan slowly across his face while i play a mournful flute.

please welcome ken burns. [cheering and applause] thank you very much. nice to have you back. listen, i don't have to tell anybody in the world who ken burns is, man. hey, can i ask you something? have you been to george clooney's villa? >> new york but i did have a drink with him the other day. >> stephen: did you really? did you keep your clothes on? >> we didn't jump in. it was cold in the mountains of colorado. >> the shrinky-dink. >> you've got a new three-part documentary. it starts this sunday. sunday, monday and tuesday at 8:00 p.m. on cbs. it's called prohibition. >>prohibition was started in 19. >> before '33. >> how drunk was america before

prohibition? >> so drunk. we drank three times the quantity that we dank. that was the reason for the... >> stephen: how much would a man drink in a year? >> 90 bottles per capita. but women didn't drink, so maybe 180. >> how sweet. >> we had a saloon culture, and people were laid out, families were in distress and they decided over the course of the 19th century was that the best thing to do was to take the problem that 10% of the problem was to apply it to 100% of the people. to have the only amendment to the constitution that limits human freedom and the only one thank goodness that was repealed. >> stephen: now specifically, what did the amendment say and what did the volstad act do? what was the impact of it? >> well, the amendment said you

can't manufacture, sell and transport alcohol, and the volstad act, which was put into effect to define alcohol as one half of one%, so that meant that german chocolate cake was illegal. but there were so many loopholes that you could drive a prohibition truck through and that's what happened. >> stephen: america loves their freedom and they clearly love their booze. why do we let people take away our freedom. >> this is a really, really good question. >> thank you. >> stephen: by the time it went into effect, everybody seemed to want it. the ku klux klan wanted it, but so did the naacp. >> stephen: strange bedfellows with only one bed sheet. so progressives wanted it. so did conservatives. the industrialists wanted it. so did the wobblies. the workers of the world, the radical labor union, they wanted it because they thought alcohol

was a flaw that weakened the working man. everybody wanted it, but it was prohibition for someone else. this is a story of single-issue campaigns that passed with unintended consequences. the demonization of immigrants, the loss of a civil discourse. >> stephen: how could we possibly understand a political system like that? >> yeah. well, it gets even better. there was a whole group of people who feel like they lost control of their country and couldn't take it back. do you know acliewz yas seize 19? there's nothing new under the sun. >> stephen: did we really stop drinking? >> no. it actually did go down for a time and cirrhosis of the liver declined and drunk driving accidents declined. >> stephen: how many...

>> that's the thing. it coincided with the mass distribution of cars. so everybody now had a car. so this was already a serious problem. but i think the people who continued drinking, who love the speak easy culture, who love the idea of solicitous booze drank more and there was binge drinking and women were drinking. >> stephen: why were women drinking? because they loved the bad boys? why? >> our grand forecaster and our great grandmothers were doing stuff we think only we invented. >> stephen: you shut your mouth. [laughter] those women were saints. they were saints. [applause] i was conceived through a firm handshake. >> immaculate. >> so what got rid of it. >> what got rid of it was the hypocrisy.

they skated around it whef they wanted. they could stockpile it. the depression came. it reminded me why we ended the fifth largest industry in america, the teamster, the barrel makers, the waiters. you couldn't remember the culture war, the moral imperative that they absolutely... the moral absolutism of prohibition. they refused to compromise. we may still have a version of prohibition if they had been willing to compromise. but single-issue campaigns are grabbed ahold by people who are certain they're right. there is no compromise. nothing but more enforcement. by that time the gangster culture, we created the invisi-guard the ended consequence, we created organized crime. we would not have organized crime had there not been prohibition. >> without any organized crime, there would be no career for robert de niro. >> that's exactly right. >> stephen: ken, thank you so much for joining me. >> thank you. >> stephen: ken burn, "prohibition" begins airing sunday night at 8:00 on pbs, and

the dvd goes on sale starting next week. we'll be right back.

[ male announcer ] a batman: arkham city bundle, some slim jim monster sticks, and...a steel cable. [ cellphone rings ] hello? did you get batman: arkham city yet? yeah, i'm so more batman than you. not true. you won't believe where i'm about to zip-line into. no, i won't believe it. ahhhhh... [ thud ] did you try to zip-line into my apartment? [ crickets chirping ] why? [ male announcer ] rated t for teen. get batman: arkham city at 12:01 a.m. october 18th with a bonus copy of batman: arkham asylum only at walmart. the fastest way to play.

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